This is what dating is going to really be for me, isn't it?

[Pompeii]

Geebus... you are 22. You have a long time before you have to worry about growing OLD alone. If your drive is gone because you are instead in love with/passionate about something you do and are committing your life to (art, science, whatever), then that is great. Continue doing that.

 

If your drive is gone just because you are already throwing in the towel and accepting defeat at 22, then please take a moment to get your head out of your ass before continuing to read...

 

Can you hear me now? Good. Here are a few tips:

 

1) Don't get hung up on being a virgin, even if you haven't kissed a girl. Don't worry about it, really. Some people are late-bloomers. I was a virgin til 23. Its not a big deal. Once you get over it, things get a lot easier. Your body will know what to do when the time comes as long as your mind steps out of the way and lets nature take its course. If you psyche yourself out about doing "it" right, you will end up doing it wrong. So just don't worry about it. Let it happen when the time comes.

 

He is 22. What about him being 23? No? 24? 25? 26? 27? 28? 29? 30?

 

See what I mean. This is not just a problem that corrects itself.

[mario_C]

Agreed, Pompeii. These young kids (and being 2x their age, I'm allowed to call them kids ) are going to be sorry if they waste this prime sitting in front of the computer feeling sorry for themselves, because your opportunities will NOT improve with age, especially if you're a male adult.

Edited September 18, 2013 by mario_C
bad typing

[Copelandsanity]

Here's my take. I think you need to focus less on extrinsic factors and focus more on improving yourself. You are complaining, lamenting and being angry with the world but the fact is that you are not entitled to love with a great girl. If you want that, you have to get into the f'ing ring and compete.

 

1) Wear lifts and don't worry about it. Adding 3 inches to your height without shoes is not noticeable, but it will make a difference for you. I'm 5' 8" and I use them.

 

2) Figure out how to make yourself less goofy-looking. That could mean working out for a more muscular figure, reducing your body-fat to create a more masculine face, upgrading your wardrobe to more stylish, better fitting clothes, a more trendy hair-style, facial hair, adding some accessories (shades, watch, necklace), whitening your teeth. Looking better will make you feel more confident.

 

3) Be aggressive. Forget about all this stuff about you having all these good qualities and such. A girl is not going to care about this if you are not confident and aggressive.

 

4) Asking out 100 women on OLD is a drop in the bucket. Try asking out 100 per week. And in real life, try approaching 20 girls a week MINIMUM. Don't worry about your pickiness and ask out a variety of girls. Your only criteria should be one little thing about her that interests you. Maybe she's drop-dead gorgeous, maybe she's cute, maybe she's short and petite, maybe she's wearing a t-shirt with a band you like on it, maybe she has an interesting cultural necklace on. Get to know them. You're so YOUNG; believe me, you have no idea what you want. I will also say that with 3) and 4) that you might need to spend some time improving yourself before you go too crazy with putting yourself out there too quickly, though. It's something you need to gradually expose yourself to.

 

5) Spend less time - or preferably no time - with these girls or their guys that are frustrating you. Have no contact with them. These guys aren't your friends and honestly, what is she offering to you? Is she introducing you to her friends? What is her value to you? If it's just a pity friendship, then F that.

 

6) Do you have friends? If not, that should be another focus on yours. Get some good friends that are positive and supportive of you that you can also do cool, interesting things with.

[Syconort]

I'm 5'7, so I kinda feel your anxiety about height. To make that a non-issue, I only go for short girls, which I'm happy with (I find them cute). But I do have a friend who is 5'2 so I completely understand what difficulties this brings.

 

Short of having your legs broke and legs extended (yes, this surgery exists! lol), you can't change that. You can only change your attitude. Sadly, you're going to have to deal with a much smaller pool of women -- very short women. On the positive side, I've seen MANY very short, attractive women. There are around 3.5 BILLION women on this planet! With the right attitude and strategy it is almost guaranteed you'll find mutual attraction.

 

Work on yourself. Hey, worst case, within the next 10-20 years we'll have lifelike robot girlfriends who can fake everything a real girlfriend does! So start saving up! haha

 

Trust me, learn to laugh at your height. You should be that small guy with a massive personality. Work on presence.

 

Oh, and don't beat yourself up about OLD. It is only meant to supplement your dating routine, not be the whole of it! That, and it is largely a waste of time. Mass rejection/ignorance is the norm for most people.

Edited September 21, 2013 by Syconort

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I'm 5'7, so I kinda feel your anxiety about height. To make that a non-issue, I only go for short girls, which I'm happy with (I find them cute). But I do have a friend who is 5'2 so I completely understand what difficulties this brings.

 

Short of having your legs broke and legs extended (yes, this surgery exists! lol), you can't change that. You can only change your attitude. Sadly, you're going to have to deal with a much smaller pool of women -- very short women. On the positive side, I've seen MANY very short, attractive women. There are around 3.5 BILLION women on this planet! With the right attitude and strategy it is almost guaranteed you'll find mutual attraction.

 

Work on yourself. Hey, worst case, within the next 10-20 years we'll have lifelike robot girlfriends who can fake everything a real girlfriend does! So start saving up! haha

 

Trust me, learn to laugh at your height. You should be that small guy with a massive personality. Work on presence.

 

Oh, and don't beat yourself up about OLD. It is only meant to supplement your dating routine, not be the whole of it! That, and it is largely a waste of time. Mass rejection/ignorance is the norm for most people.

 

You and him are in 2 very different situations. As a man, being 5'7 and 5'2 are two very different things.

 

At 5'7, you are still within the realm of normal and can use other things to make up for your lack of height. At certain heights, this is simply not possible due to the fact that women place a large emphasis on height. I would say my latter statement applies to anyone 5'4 and below.

 

If you are 5'5 - 5'7, you will have a harder time, but can make up the difference in looks, career, personality, physique, etc. I don't think that OP has those options.

 

Not trying to be a downer, but let's be realistic here.

[Syconort]

I did already acknowledge that. "But I do have a friend who is 5'2 so I completely understand what difficulties this brings."

[Inflikted]

Here's my take. I think you need to focus less on extrinsic factors and focus more on improving yourself. You are complaining, lamenting and being angry with the world but the fact is that you are not entitled to love with a great girl. If you want that, you have to get into the f'ing ring and compete.

 

Look, the truth is, I realize my anger is a bit misguided. Honestly, the one I'm most angry at is myself. I'm angry at myself for being stupid and ignorant when it comes to getting out, meeting people, and developing relationships. I'm angry at myself for being unable to have attractive qualities that actually mean something to anyone. I'm angry at myself for not being able to attract friends, attract women, I'm angry at myself for being the nice, yet reserved, friendly guy that everyone is just indifferent to. And I'm angry that I can't seem to get myself out of this cycle.

 

1) Wear lifts and don't worry about it. Adding 3 inches to your height without shoes is not noticeable, but it will make a difference for you. I'm 5' 8" and I use them.

 

Still seems silly to me. I mean, if I start dating a girl and we get to the point where she knows my real height, won't that just make me look insecure about my height? Honestly, I'm not "insecure" about my height, I'm just very aware of it, and very aware of the fact that 98% of girls (even girls that are shorter than me or roughly equal in height, from my experience) will not date a guy that's as short as I am.

 

2) Figure out how to make yourself less goofy-looking. That could mean working out for a more muscular figure, reducing your body-fat to create a more masculine face, upgrading your wardrobe to more stylish, better fitting clothes, a more trendy hair-style, facial hair, adding some accessories (shades, watch, necklace), whitening your teeth. Looking better will make you feel more confident.

 

Eh. I'm in pretty average shape. Not overweight, but not slim and "athletic" looking. To be honest, I prefer my look. I don't think I could pull off the whole "slim and athletic" look. And I don't think my weight/ shape has anything to do with my face; I'm just goofy-looking, period, and regardless of working out, my face is still going to look goofy-looking. As far as clothes, and everything, I've been making a conscious effort for the last 6+ years to get away from the dopey looking way I used to dress, so I'm not sure if that's much of an issue.

 

3) Be aggressive. Forget about all this stuff about you having all these good qualities and such. A girl is not going to care about this if you are not confident and aggressive.

 

Easier said than done, when you've never been an "aggressive" person, by nature. I'm a very passive, lax person. But I don't believe that I lack "confidence", either. I'd say, though, that I have more of a quiet confidence. The other week, someone told me that I'm very laid back and "chill", and I took that as a compliment, because that's how I want people to see me, that's how I act around everyone. I just can't really see myself being the more "brazen" type that has to obnoxiously make sure everyone knows how cool they are. But apparently, being "chill" and laid back, and having "quiet confidence" just aren't attractive, compared to the other kind of "confidence", at least from what I've seen.

 

4) Asking out 100 women on OLD is a drop in the bucket. Try asking out 100 per week. And in real life, try approaching 20 girls a week MINIMUM. Don't worry about your pickiness and ask out a variety of girls. Your only criteria should be one little thing about her that interests you. Maybe she's drop-dead gorgeous, maybe she's cute, maybe she's short and petite, maybe she's wearing a t-shirt with a band you like on it, maybe she has an interesting cultural necklace on. Get to know them. You're so YOUNG; believe me, you have no idea what you want. I will also say that with 3) and 4) that you might need to spend some time improving yourself before you go too crazy with putting yourself out there too quickly, though. It's something you need to gradually expose yourself to.

 

I mean, I see where you're coming from, I know it's all a "numbers" thing, but I hate looking at dating like this, because it makes it seem like such a crap shoot. It makes it seem like I'm just supposed to take whatever I can get and learn to live with whatever it is that I can get. I don't want it to be that way... I want to meet a girl that I like a lot, I want us to become attracted to each other, I want it to happen that way. I don't want to just ask out hundreds of women and just date and be in a relationship with whatever girl will have me. That just seems... depressing.

 

5) Spend less time - or preferably no time - with these girls or their guys that are frustrating you. Have no contact with them. These guys aren't your friends and honestly, what is she offering to you? Is she introducing you to her friends? What is her value to you? If it's just a pity friendship, then F that.

 

It's out of my control; the nature of how I know both of them dictates that I HAVE to see them as often as I do. If I could get away from both of them, I would, but I can't. As for the girl, well... I think I'm always going to have lingering feelings for her deep down, as long as I know her, so it's always going to give me some kind of inner pleasure to be able to talk with her, joke around with her, laugh with her, etc., even if it's only fleeting, and is followed by bad feelings, knowing that she doesn't want to be with me and seems to like certain other guys more than me.

 

6) Do you have friends? If not, that should be another focus on yours. Get some good friends that are positive and supportive of you that you can also do cool, interesting things with.

 

No, I don't. And yes, that is something I deeply desire along with being able to date and find a relationship. But much like dating, this is also a struggle for me. I... don't really get it, to be honest. People generally seem to like me, and I've had people act very supportive and empathetic to me when I'm going through something bad, but whenever I try to actually "be friends" with them, everyone just sort of blows me off. If I say "Hey, let's go see a movie" or "Let's go to a bar", or anything like that, it's always just "We'll see, we'll let you know", whatever. People just confuse me, with the way they act towards me, and it's become more and more of a headache for me to try and figure out. People will try to get close to me, but the second I try to get close to other people, they pull away, and I'm left on the outside looking in.

[Copelandsanity]

I think that you should forget about girls for the moment spend 100% of your free time on self-improvement and making friends. A girl isn't going to complete you anyway if you're not happy with yourself.

 

You are insecure about your height. You literally just described your insecurity after you said you weren't. Recognize the reality and fix it. Personally, I think it's more confident to be proactive about this rather than just letting things be. Nobody will notice those 3 inches.

 

My suggestions to work out, make changes to your look, and upgrade your wardrobe should be within the context of also wanting to improve yourself for you. But I believe that they will also help you in your life with girls. It's about maxing out your potential as a person and feeling good about yourself.

 

You seem too picky and not actually giving people a chance. The girl for you might not be the one that initially gives you sparks of attraction. It might not be someone that strikes you immediately upon first meeting or even the second or third. Just like a girl might not notice your "quiet confidence" at first. I think generally - not just with girls - you should be more assertive and put more effort into all social situations.

 

Let me ask you this. Would you be attracted to an overweight goofy-looking girl who dressed poorly, had no friends, was reserved, and was unhappy in her life but unwilling to do much about it? I'll wager that the answer is no. The idea is to try something different. Be open-minded and try different things. You're still so young. Add some value to yourself and your life.

[Inflikted]

So, here's some stuff I've been pondering on...

 

- I don't really know how I even want to pursue dating at this point. I really dislike the idea of cold approaching random girls for many reasons; for one, it takes more than a pretty face, a "hot body", or any of that, to make me want to date a girl. I'm more interested in how we get along, what the basic chemistry is like, and having some basic familiarity with them, then I can get a better idea of whether or not I want to date someone.

 

Ideally, I've always wanted a "friends first" kind of budding relationship. I just don't have any interest in cold approaching random girls I don't know and hitting on them.

 

But after having fallen hard for a girl I developed that familiarity with, only to get rejected, I realize how difficult this scenario is, because I already liked her so much before I asked her out that the rejection stung extra hard, and the fact that I still know her and see her, and all that, causes me feelings to linger.

 

So in a way, it seems like a real lose-lose situation.

 

- For the last couple of months, I've been talking to a woman I met online about engaging in a "friends with benefits" type thing. We finally met this past Monday, going out for lunch together. While we chatted a lot before then about each other, we were still practically strangers, so our lunch date was pretty much the equivalent of a date with a girl I cold approached.

 

And honestly? I didn't really care for it. I didn't really feel any kind of chemistry, and the conversation flow died off after about 30-ish minutes. It just sort of felt... boring and slightly awkward, to me. Granted, she still seems interested, considering she's texted me since then about meeting up again, but I just don't know if I want to pursue it anymore after meeting up with her.

 

But to me, this kind of justifies my whole "anti-cold approach" stance. I mean, I assume the majority of "cold approach" dates would feel this way, to me. Whereas, if I was going on a date with a girl I already had some familiarity with and some developed chemistry with, it would feel more like two people with a budding romance.

 

I dunno. Just what I've been thinking about for the last week or so.

[fallenheart]

If you met that chick for a sexual arrangement, why did you bother talking to her? That's not the point. You should have met at a motel, not for lunch.

 

When you're with a woman only for sex, you don't NEED to have long meaningful conversations.

 

Skip the "date" nonsense next time and get right down to business.

[Inflikted]

I didn't actually sleep with her, that was just the arrangement we had discussed, and we used this "date" just to meet. Seems like a good idea to meet someone before you get in bed with them, right? Wouldn't want to hook up with a whack job, yanno?

 

Honestly, after having met her, I'm not sure casual sex is for me, so that part of it is irrelevant. Still, I feel the lunch date I had with her is pretty much how any date with a stranger would go, yanno?

[Ed the 3rd]

You can't compete with cooler hotter guys? If I had said that I'd still be a 230 pound directionless loser with no prospects or friends.

 

YOU are defeating yourself. If YOU have nothing offer even average girls then you better go and work on it. Go to the gym. Buy some good clothes and make an effort. Almost every girl on the planet makes some or of effort and I'm sure all those "cooler" guys do as well.

[Inflikted]

You can't compete with cooler hotter guys? If I had said that I'd still be a 230 pound directionless loser with no prospects or friends.

 

YOU are defeating yourself. If YOU have nothing offer even average girls then you better go and work on it. Go to the gym. Buy some good clothes and make an effort. Almost every girl on the planet makes some or of effort and I'm sure all those "cooler" guys do as well.

 

Who's saying I don't make any "effort" on myself? I think the way I dress is just fine. I want to grow out facial hair, but it just won't come in well. I'll admit, I could probably stand to lose a few pounds and get in better shape, but I'm not obese and totally out of shape; I have a pretty average body type, and overall, I'm content with that, because it seems appropriate for me (I don't think I could pull off the lean, muscular look).

 

I've seen guys who are more overweight and out of shape than I am, and they still manage to date just fine. I've seen guys that dress like idiots, and they manage to date fine. I've seen guys that look grungy and have hygiene problems, and they manage to date fine. I think I'm about as good as I can get, in terms of looks, and I don't have a lot of these problems, so what the heck is so wrong with me?