underwater2010 Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 I do. So will it be better if I do not tell W, keep her out and limit my agony to MM? Have him arrested or something ? Arrest him for what sex outside his marriage or threating to tell your family if you tell his wife? Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 You write on and on about yourself and your need for revenge when an innocent little baby could be hurt very badly. I don't understand this type of thinking. I would think you would be writing asking for suggestions about how to handle letting the mtb know she needs to get tested. She already posted that she doesnt care...*shrug* TFY Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Please don't do anything with bad intent. Try and think about how you would like to be treated. As an OW I too have felt my fair share of rage. It takes more fortitude to be kind. Choose to think about it and take the compassionate route. Don't let blind emotion dictate your actions. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
GreySkyMorning Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 You know what? I've changed my mind. I don't think you should tell her. He's a jerk. She chose to marry him. Let her deal with the fallout if her baby ends up sick or if she ends up ten years down the road with two more kids and then someone tells her. So you could save her a lot of future years of heartache, regardless of your "motivations". Heck, maybe by then, he'll knock up a few other women. I'm sure she'll appreciate your silence then and so will he. After all, we don't want her to get hurt now. You chose to have an affair with a jerk, she chose to marry one. Her own fault... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 You know what? I've changed my mind. I don't think you should tell her. He's a jerk. She chose to marry him. Let her deal with the fallout if her baby ends up sick or if she ends up ten years down the road with two more kids and then someone tells her. So you could save her a lot of future years of heartache, regardless of your "motivations". Heck, maybe by then, he'll knock up a few other women. I'm sure she'll appreciate your silence then and so will he. After all, we don't want her to get hurt now. You chose to have an affair with a jerk, she chose to marry one. Her own fault... There's no doubt in anyones minds that he's a jerk. I like to believe there's a special place in Hell for anyone who could abuse a pregnant woman. Its clear now she's going to tell. But it'd be nice if she could leave her rage and desire for revenge out of it. She's not seeking ways to lessen the hurt to BS, only how she can exacerbate it and somehow manage to squirm out of any consequences for herself. Its hard to get on board with enabling that behavior. Knock yourself out if you want to. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Because I am not going to your relatives or grandparents! And I am not telling your aunt who can sympathise with you for rest of your life what an unlucky poor creature you are. So please walk out from this jerk or live with him ( informed) but don't involve my relatives. May be she won't,but he will for sure. Tell them. It's no shame on HER that her WS is a whoremonger. She's going to need their support anyway. Tell everyone how angry you are that this cheater cheated, and now you feel used. He'll have no trouble convincing them all that you're crazy! Link to post Share on other sites
Author zum1 Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 You know what? I've changed my mind. I don't think you should tell her. He's a jerk. She chose to marry him. Let her deal with the fallout if her baby ends up sick or if she ends up ten years down the road with two more kids and then someone tells her. So you could save her a lot of future years of heartache, regardless of your "motivations". Heck, maybe by then, he'll knock up a few other women. I'm sure she'll appreciate your silence then and so will he. After all, we don't want her to get hurt now. You chose to have an affair with a jerk, she chose to marry one. Her own fault... 1000 likes for your post. I can let you talk to her and I am sure you will articulate everything the way it should be told. Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) It appears you are going to tell no matter what. I suggest you go read the infidelity board. You will see the ways other OW have informed the BS and what the results were. I have been on many boards like this. Most likely what will happen is the MM will tell his wife that he lied to you and told you whatever you wanted to hear, such as he thought of you while with his wife. And he will say he told you he was going to have more affairs to make you go away. If you believe this will make her kick him out , that will most likely not happen. He will beg and plead for her to give him another chance. Send her an email, do not go to her door, Tell her who you are and the proof you have that he was in an affair with you. How long it was, dates you were together. There is no reason to tell her things like he thought of you while he was with her. It will haunt her and she does not deserve that.Revenge feels good short term but you are not going to get the results you want from it. Edited September 5, 2013 by whatatangledweb spelling 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Unless he made a threat of physical violence, I think the police would fall all over themselves laughing after you left the station. That and obviously thinking they have bigger fish to fry than an affair spat. Again, if your main reason for telling is vengeance, then your demeanor will be less than pleasing when informing the wife, and the wife just might respond in a way you won't like. This, Zum. And the above is why I recommended you wait or at least don't meet up with her face to face or talk on the phone. You are too angry and hurt yourself right now and if she lashes out at you (which is likely as she's pregnant and emotional) I don't see you posessing the restraint not to strike back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zum1 Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 All this is not helping me. Some of it is but most is not. Is there a common opinion? Link to post Share on other sites
GreySkyMorning Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 1000 likes for your post. I can let you talk to her and I am sure you will articulate everything the way it should be told. You cannot really be that dense.... I don't think you'd tell her anyway. You're too scared of facing your own consequences. You're not ashamed of what you did to her or any of your actions at all. You were equally culpable. (god I think I just had an attack of my own morality here!!) He did the crime and you want him to pay, but you were the accomplice and you want to walk away clean. Life doesn't work that way. I think she should be told, yes. I believe it would be in the best interest of her and her child for her to know the truth. I don't really care what your reasons for telling her are at this point. The problem is what everyone is saying. You don't give two cents about her and you will do it in a way that is intended to strike out at him by hurting her. I get that. Been there, done that. Biggest regret of my life at the moment. Here's the deal...grow up, take some responsibility for your actions, email her with the info and the proof, leave the emotions out of it, and then walk away from them. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 How about this.... Have you taken anything away from this? Learned anything that might be helpful in the future? Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 You cannot really be that dense.... I don't think you'd tell her anyway. You're too scared of facing your own consequences. You're not ashamed of what you did to her or any of your actions at all. You were equally culpable. (god I think I just had an attack of my own morality here!!) He did the crime and you want him to pay, but you were the accomplice and you want to walk away clean. Life doesn't work that way. I think she should be told, yes. I believe it would be in the best interest of her and her child for her to know the truth. I don't really care what your reasons for telling her are at this point. The problem is what everyone is saying. You don't give two cents about her and you will do it in a way that is intended to strike out at him by hurting her. I get that. Been there, done that. Biggest regret of my life at the moment. Here's the deal...grow up, take some responsibility for your actions, email her with the info and the proof, leave the emotions out of it, and then walk away from them. Dont be so sure about that... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zum1 Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) I was not going to speak anything much just let her read MM texts. My idea was not to give her all the details of our A but enough so she knows that her H has been cheating and plans to continue doing the same. Last day when we had a fight it was all via texts as I was at aunts and he was at home too, so he wrote to me that he will continue having affairs and neither her or I will ever get to know about it. I have that statement in text message, I really don't have to say much to her, its all there to read. Including that his son can't wait to call me his mum!! My intention is to not let him repeat the same with any other girl and yes want him to pay for his words too. I do know what his W will go through. In one of the texts he has written, "this baby will not change my feelings for you and it was not planned, I can die for you." I have spoken with my aunt and told her what happened, she knows MM and that he was my friend, she was shocked to hear that I had an affair with him. She has 'told' me to move on and never look back, that's an order. She says, he two timed and she is not surprised that he did, he always came across as a jerk and he may well be ten timer and she never really had good impression of him, I said why didn't you said so, she said, she thought we were just friend and she did not expect from me that I will fall for MM and that too him specifically. I expressed how I want to tell his W, she said, don't! She is her W for years and she would know him very well too! and if he ever calls back then I should let her (my aunt) know. We spoke about about old times, when I was little and how I inspire my cousins and how my family loved me and all expectations they had from me, my parents who live in different country and my siblings. She is very protective of me and is still very upset with me and she is doing chores around the house while her eyes are wet. I am here crying and writing all this. She is a very strong woman, very level headed and knows what, when and how to speak. Very successful woman who knows whats right and wrong better than anyone else. I feel exhausted thinking all this!! Edited September 5, 2013 by zum1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zum1 Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 A few things I read here stuck with me, one of the posters wrote a person is not good or bad its the dynamics of the situation and relationship that makes them act a certain way.. I truly agree with that..you have to go through what I went through in order to understand why I behave and feel the way I do. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 He's a liar. He says things that he doesn't mean as evidenced by him saying things like I'll die for you, then saying I'll continue to have affairs. He is NOT a good person. Good people don't use and manipulate other people for their own satisfaction. You e fallen for a person with problems. You can hurt his wife all you want but it won't make you feel better. If you have an ounce of decency it will make you feel worse. Learn your lesson and move on. Liars and cheater, lie and cheat. Period. See, there's the lesson, do yourself a favor and move on. Learn from your mistake. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 He's a liar. He says things that he doesn't mean as evidenced by him saying things like I'll die for you, then saying I'll continue to have affairs. He is NOT a good person. Good people don't use and manipulate other people for their own satisfaction. You e fallen for a person with problems. You can hurt his wife all you want but it won't make you feel better. If you have an ounce of decency it will make you feel worse. Learn your lesson and move on. Liars and cheater, lie and cheat. Period. See, there's the lesson, do yourself a favor and move on. Learn from your mistake. Or perhaps were only hearing HER side of the story...As a guy, I am trying to figure out what could the possible reason be to tell an already angry and jilted OW, that I am going to have more and several additional affairs?... That makes absolutely NO sense....Why poke a stick at the tiger? Why give her additional ammo to blow up my world..Sorry...I aint buyin that nonsense. Where is the BS flag? TFY 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 I do. So will it be better if I do not tell W, keep her out and limit my agony to MM? Have him arrested or something ? ?! Arrested for what? Threatening to tell YOUR relatives about your affair with him? He can do that and so can his wife, they have every right to tell whomever they please about the affair once it comes to light and you expose the A to her. Not sure how you think or believe that you don't get any consquences to your choices, yet he (exMM) has to? He didn't threaten to kill you, beat you up, harass you, put sugar in your gas tank, scratch up your car, nothing like that.. He threatened to tell your family. That is not enough to have him arrested and if you go the cops with this, they will not do anything. If anything they'll tell you to stay away from and his wife. As soon as you stop painting yourself as the poor innocent victim in this, you'll actually feel better. You have not once owned your part in this affair, you've put all the blame on him. And I've noticed you've not acknowledged my replies to you so it's obvious you have no intention of looking in the mirror and realize that you helped this situation along as to how it is now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 I was not going to speak anything much just let her read MM texts. My idea was not to give her all the details of our A but enough so she knows that her H has been cheating and plans to continue doing the same. Last day when we had a fight it was all via texts as I was at aunts and he was at home too, so he wrote to me that he will continue having affairs and neither her or I will ever get to know about it. I have that statement in text message, I really don't have to say much to her, its all there to read. Including that his son can't wait to call me his mum!! My intention is to not let him repeat the same with any other girl and yes want him to pay for his words too. I do know what his W will go through. In one of the texts he has written, "this baby will not change my feelings for you and it was not planned, I can die for you." I have spoken with my aunt and told her what happened, she knows MM and that he was my friend, she was shocked to hear that I had an affair with him. She has 'told' me to move on and never look back, that's an order. She says, he two timed and she is not surprised that he did, he always came across as a jerk and he may well be ten timer and she never really had good impression of him, I said why didn't you said so, she said, she thought we were just friend and she did not expect from me that I will fall for MM and that too him specifically. I expressed how I want to tell his W, she said, don't! She is her W for years and she would know him very well too! and if he ever calls back then I should let her (my aunt) know. We spoke about about old times, when I was little and how I inspire my cousins and how my family loved me and all expectations they had from me, my parents who live in different country and my siblings. She is very protective of me and is still very upset with me and she is doing chores around the house while her eyes are wet. I am here crying and writing all this. She is a very strong woman, very level headed and knows what, when and how to speak. Very successful woman who knows whats right and wrong better than anyone else. I feel exhausted thinking all this!! The bolded confirmed just what I was thinking, if you do tell you will do it in the most brutal way to ensure maximum emotional damage to his wife. There is no need to show her those texts in order to prove to her her husband is cheating. You want to show her because you want to hurt him THROUGH her, which to do that to a pregnant woman is absolutely despicable. If you have an ounce of decency about yourself...you'll listen to your Aunts advice on this and just let it all go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zum1 Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 Or perhaps were only hearing HER side of the story...As a guy, I am trying to figure out what could the possible reason be to tell an already angry and jilted OW, that I am going to have more and several additional affairs?... That makes absolutely NO sense....Why poke a stick at the tiger? Why give her additional ammo to blow up my world..Sorry...I aint buyin that nonsense. Where is the BS flag? TFY I wrote to him, "you are not honest with me, your wife or even yourself. Act your age and stop fooling others" , he replied, "I will do whatever I please to do and I have many choices and you or <his W> won't even get to know about it" and at one of the place he also said, "Its my life and its my life style you or <w> don't get to decide what I do with it". May be he wrote to annoy me. May be he is a good man and you are listening to one side of the story. That's why I am here on LS right, stressing out? Actually I should also go and hunt for another MM and stay out of here (**sarcasm) Link to post Share on other sites
Author zum1 Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 The bolded confirmed just what I was thinking, if you do tell you will do it in the most brutal way to ensure maximum emotional damage to his wife. There is no need to show her those texts in order to prove to her her husband is cheating. You want to show her because you want to hurt him THROUGH her, which to do that to a pregnant woman is absolutely despicable. If you have an ounce of decency about yourself...you'll listen to your Aunts advice on this and just let it all go. I feel if she should know, she should know everything as it is, no spice added nothing taken out or altered, she needs enough information to either forgive him and stay with him or enough reasons to walk out. For now I am listening to my aunt and not doing anything. She said if he contacts again then we will see what's best thing to do. She is almost certain that he will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zum1 Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 ?! Arrested for what? Threatening to tell YOUR relatives about your affair with him? He can do that and so can his wife, they have every right to tell whomever they please about the affair once it comes to light and you expose the A to her. Not sure how you think or believe that you don't get any consquences to your choices, yet he (exMM) has to? He didn't threaten to kill you, beat you up, harass you, put sugar in your gas tank, scratch up your car, nothing like that.. He threatened to tell your family. That is not enough to have him arrested and if you go the cops with this, they will not do anything. If anything they'll tell you to stay away from and his wife. As soon as you stop painting yourself as the poor innocent victim in this, you'll actually feel better. You have not once owned your part in this affair, you've put all the blame on him. And I've noticed you've not acknowledged my replies to you so it's obvious you have no intention of looking in the mirror and realize that you helped this situation along as to how it is now. I did not wanted to bring this up, as that's a whole new dimension but there is a court case going on for years (I am not too sure of details, its irrelevant) but he was not allowed to leave the country he used to live in, now his brother gives attendance on his behalf with some money and is handling everything for him. He can be deported if someone informed the authority. But I don't know a lot of details and I am not thinking on that line. I really just meant that as a (not so sarcastic) remark. Scratch that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zum1 Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 He's a liar. He says things that he doesn't mean as evidenced by him saying things like I'll die for you, then saying I'll continue to have affairs. He is NOT a good person. Good people don't use and manipulate other people for their own satisfaction. You e fallen for a person with problems. You can hurt his wife all you want but it won't make you feel better. If you have an ounce of decency it will make you feel worse. Learn your lesson and move on. Liars and cheater, lie and cheat. Period. See, there's the lesson, do yourself a favor and move on. Learn from your mistake. He begged to continue the A. And he wrote many texts saying love you and all, when he said he had sex with her thinking about me, I lost it and started swearing at him, then he started saying bad things too, I called him pervert, he called me cheap, and on and on, I counted, we exchanged 562 texts in 2 days!!! In one of them I wrote, " I am no longer sure what to believe and what not to believe, you are contradicting your own statements. if I play along I am darling and if I don't then I am fool!". He replied, "LOL! Relax hun :)" Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 You are right that he is game playing! He enjoys that! Soooo you're thinking of telling the wife as revenge when you could have him deported????? Break out the big guns and fire away! Send his pathetic bum home! That's a win win for everyone. Seriously, this guy is a jerk, walk away! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
missgangrene Posted September 6, 2013 Share Posted September 6, 2013 I am OW and I feel I wanted to know he was two timing!! That was not acceptable between us!!! I was kept away from all the men around me! I wasn't even allowed to use social networking web site and in my account had picture of flowers so no one can get attracted to me or think about me!!! The reason for our breakups were insecurities that he had so he always came back apologising all this was not envisioned ! He did not wanted to be kept from seeing his son so wanted divorce on clean grounds not wanted to be accused of infidelity, I bought into that and treated that boy as my own!! And gave him presents! He liked me, MM used to say he is lioking forward to have you as his mum, cannot wait for that. I had no reasons to doubt him. And still he wants to continue the way we were !!!! What a world class jerk he is! I'm always confused when OW expect fidelity with their MM. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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