DresdenKing Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 Dumper broke contact after close to a month, she e-mailed me with this: "I want to apologize. for the things I have said, and for not saying the things that i should have. I should have been more comforting, I was just confused and it was just all around a very bad time, i guess for the both of us. i want you to know that i do care about you, and what goes on in your life. what goes through your head. you are always there for me, no matter what I need or do not need, and you're always standing in front of me with open arms. I'm sorry i don't do the same for you. If anything, i still want to be your friend because i really can't afford to lose such an important person in my life at this point. I hope you feel the same." What. Do. I. Do. I was trying to get over her and this just brought up so much doubt in my head. She wants me to be her friend now? Is she just getting closure and I should now ignore her? I feel sick, this is such a mind game... Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 Don't do it unless YOU are ready to be her friend without expectations. Healing is about you, not easing the dumpers guilt. Trust me, I have been there, as have many others here. From the sound of doubt in your post, I would say you are absolutely not ready to be her friend yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DresdenKing Posted September 4, 2013 Author Share Posted September 4, 2013 Don't do it unless YOU are ready to be her friend without expectations. Healing is about you, not easing the dumpers guilt. Trust me, I have been there, as have many others here. From the sound of doubt in your post, I would say you are absolutely not ready to be her friend yet. You're right, I'm not ready. I don't owe her my friendship after she left me and I can see how she's just trying to ease her guilt. Question is, should I explain that to her? Do I simply ignore the message entirely or give her a response indicating why I don't accept, etc? Just when I thought I was out...she pulls me back in... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Misfortune Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 It's up to you. You know her best. If you can speak to her without your emotions getting the best of you, knock yourself out. Only she really knows what her intentions are. I will respond to nothing except talks of reconciliation. I didn't date my ex because I wanted to be friends so, I don't want "friendship" after it's over. These kind of friendships aren't even full fledge friendships, there are lot of unwritten/unsaid restrictions placed on them. I think you shouldn't respond to it in any way. You owe her NOTHING now that your relationship is over. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 You're right, I'm not ready. I don't owe her my friendship after she left me and I can see how she's just trying to ease her guilt. Question is, should I explain that to her? Do I simply ignore the message entirely or give her a response indicating why I don't accept, etc? Just when I thought I was out...she pulls me back in... Nope! You owe her nothing. Ignore and go about your business. Any response from you will simply open a line of communication allowing her to mess with your mind further. Quite honestly, she should be blocked. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 You're right, I'm not ready. I don't owe her my friendship after she left me and I can see how she's just trying to ease her guilt. Question is, should I explain that to her? Do I simply ignore the message entirely or give her a response indicating why I don't accept, etc? Just when I thought I was out...she pulls me back in... I wouldn't say a word. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DresdenKing Posted September 4, 2013 Author Share Posted September 4, 2013 I'm leaning towards not answering, but this is bugging me: "If anything, i still want to be your friend because i really can't afford to lose such an important person in my life at this point. I hope you feel the same." I should give her an award in guilt-tripping, right? FYI for the dumpers out there, saying something like the quote above is SUCH an unfair thing to say to the person you left. Perhaps I should fight her passive-aggressive fire with some of my own and tell her I need space and time away to think about it. Then never talk to her again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Misfortune Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 Dumper broke contact after close to a month, she e-mailed me with this: "I want to apologize. for the things I have said, and for not saying the things that i should have. I should have been more comforting, I was just confused and it was just all around a very bad time, i guess for the both of us. i want you to know that i do care about you, and what goes on in your life. what goes through your head. you are always there for me, no matter what I need or do not need, and you're always standing in front of me with open arms. I'm sorry i don't do the same for you. If anything, i still want to be your friend because i really can't afford to lose such an important person in my life at this point. I hope you feel the same." What. Do. I. Do. I was trying to get over her and this just brought up so much doubt in my head. She wants me to be her friend now? Is she just getting closure and I should now ignore her? I feel sick, this is such a mind game... Did you respond to her the last time she contacted you asking how you're doing? She's probably having something not going her way and wants support. All this open arms, I'm here for you now and her "...at this point" wording. Sounds like she'll use you and drop you once she finds someone better. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 I'm leaning towards not answering, but this is bugging me: "If anything, i still want to be your friend because i really can't afford to lose such an important person in my life at this point. I hope you feel the same." I should give her an award in guilt-tripping, right? FYI for the dumpers out there, saying something like the quote above is SUCH an unfair thing to say to the person you left. Perhaps I should fight her passive-aggressive fire with some of my own and tell her I need space and time away to think about it. Then never talk to her again. Absolutely not. You aren't winning that battle. You are too attached still to take that type of approach. You'll get creamed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DresdenKing Posted September 4, 2013 Author Share Posted September 4, 2013 Did you respond to her the last time she contacted you asking how you're doing? She's probably having something not going her way and wants support. All this open arms, I'm here for you now and her "...at this point" wording. Sounds like she'll use you and drop you once she finds someone better. I didn't respond the last time, no. But that's a very perceptive observation, I didn't pick up on that plausible implication. The more I read it over, it does sound like she's simply trying to ease her guilt as mentioned above, and gain some power/validation back. I also don't like how she didn't take any accountability for LEAVING me cold a month ago, but instead chose to place the blame on both of us having a "bad time". Oh jesus... Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 I like what you said. I need space and time to think about it. Maybe she'll get the idea that there is no excuse for ignorance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DresdenKing Posted September 4, 2013 Author Share Posted September 4, 2013 Absolutely not. You aren't winning that battle. You are too attached still to take that type of approach. You'll get creamed. I like what you said. I need space and time to think about it. Maybe she'll get the idea that there is no excuse for ignorance. Hmm... Any other votes for or against this strategy? The idea is to use her initial break-up words against her to flip the table and show her how much it hurts to be deserted and left wondering if I'll ever come back, just like the experience she put me through. ...too vindictive? Link to post Share on other sites
Misfortune Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 I'm leaning towards not answering, but this is bugging me: "If anything, i still want to be your friend because i really can't afford to lose such an important person in my life at this point. I hope you feel the same." I should give her an award in guilt-tripping, right? FYI for the dumpers out there, saying something like the quote above is SUCH an unfair thing to say to the person you left. Perhaps I should fight her passive-aggressive fire with some of my own and tell her I need space and time away to think about it. Then never talk to her again. Most dumpers feel they're being kind by offering to be your "friend" and all of that other nonsense they talk. They're doing all for the dumpees, to help the dumpees get better. -_- My ex cheated, told me lets be friends and told me to let her help me get better. <--- How does that work exactly? I don't bother with her nonsense, I got myself better, she found out, it eased her guilt and she abandoned me. She got what she wanted and kept it pushing. You didn't answer her first message to give her validation/ w.e, it bothered her and she's trying again with more words. A lot of it is them guilt tripping or wanting to use you for some kind of emotional/ego boost. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 Hmm... Any other votes for or against this strategy? The idea is to use her initial break-up words against her to flip the table and show her how much it hurts to be deserted and left wondering if I'll ever come back, just like the experience she put me through. ...too vindictive? The high road is always the better one to take. It's not like you are going to hurt her feelings -- she'll just think you are a jerk and that she was right to do what she did to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Misfortune Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 Hmm... Any other votes for or against this strategy? The idea is to use her initial break-up words against her to flip the table and show her how much it hurts to be deserted and left wondering if I'll ever come back, just like the experience she put me through. ...too vindictive? I vote against it. You'll do more by not replying. She'll wonder and you'll show her that she has no power over you. Her words can't get to you. If you do respond, kill her with kindness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 I think that above all, people hate to be ignored. Even if you reply with anything, she will know there is still some emotion left. I vote for no reply. That's the worst bruise to someone's ego. That you don't even care to respond. Also, like someone else said, it opens a line of communication that will hurt you. That email is all about her and what she needs. She didn't even do you the courtesy of mentioning that she missed you like most dumpers do. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mariposa10 Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 I wouldn't reply back. This email is all about her and how guilty she feels. If you do end up responding, respond IN A MONTH, the time she took you to send you that email. But I think the best is to not respond. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
tart6245 Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 Are you over here? I doubt it. My ex did the exact same thing a month after we split. She came back and wanted to be friends. I made the mistake by talking to her, and she began getting all sappy and reminiscent over us. She'd text me before she went to sleep every night and got all emotional at Valentines Day. I eventually told her I wasn't ready to talk to her like we were, and cut her off. It set me back a few months. I recommend telling her, if you respond at all, that now is not the time. Or don't respond at all. She dumped you, remember. You have no responsibility to respond to her and make her feel better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StyleOnEm Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 Lol friends???? Yeah, do it only if her talking about her new boyfriend at some point is not going to bother you. Good luck with that. Link to post Share on other sites
emi Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 Nope! You owe her nothing. Ignore and go about your business. Any response from you will simply open a line of communication allowing her to mess with your mind further. Quite honestly, she should be blocked. ik this isnt related but damn i love your avarta lol Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 (edited) No. "I want to apologize. for the things I have said" < I read it all, but reading that (quite early on) made me see she she sounds stupid to have dug herself in such a ditch here tbh, she must have been nasty to need to apologise (a hissy-fit type even) just leave it and go, there's plenty smiley girls out there to see Edited September 4, 2013 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
Author DresdenKing Posted September 4, 2013 Author Share Posted September 4, 2013 Thanks for the advice everyone, it's hard to see the eye of the storm when you've been staring at it so closely so I appreciate all your unbiased and honest perspectives. Overwhelming majority in favor of NOT responding to her, so that makes my decision a lot easier. No response it is. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
eleve82 Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 If I were you, I wouldn't respond. My ex messed around with me for about a year after we "broke up" and kept insisting we were friends, even when our actions were clearly not. Until and unless they want to get back with you (assuming you don't want anything less), I would not waste my breathe. She needs to realise that you were important to her for a reason. If friendship is all she wants, she can find other friends easily. That being said, I have made friends with exs..but only those I don't want to get back together with any more and have moved on from. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DresdenKing Posted September 7, 2013 Author Share Posted September 7, 2013 Most dumpers feel they're being kind by offering to be your "friend" and all of that other nonsense they talk. They're doing all for the dumpees, to help the dumpees get better. -_- My ex cheated, told me lets be friends and told me to let her help me get better. <--- How does that work exactly? It's like someone stabs you in the chest and walks away, then as you're bleeding out on the ground they return and offer to watch you die. Strange part is, they genuinely believe they're being a good and moral person by doing so. 'I know I stabbed you and all, but you don't think I'm a bad person, right? I care about you and feel sorry, I just want you to die without making me feel bad about killing you! Let's be friends.' Yea... thanks but no thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Misfortune Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 It's like someone stabs you in the chest and walks away, then as you're bleeding out on the ground they return and offer to watch you die. Strange part is, they genuinely believe they're being a good and moral person by doing so. 'I know I stabbed you and all, but you don't think I'm a bad person, right? I care about you and feel sorry, I just want you to die without making me feel bad about killing you! Let's be friends.' Yea... thanks but no thanks. Exactly, the kindest killers. I told her to let me help her and she told me I can't because I want to be with her. Funny people some dumpers are. Link to post Share on other sites
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