Bf not wanting to spend much time with me anymore

[Scrumpy]

Hi i have been with my bf for nearly two years now, the first year was great seen eachother everyday he always wanted to see me and do things together, he spent every nite sleeping at my house, was so loving and affectionate. but then in january this year he broke up with me for a week got back together then he started wanting two evenings to do his own which is fair enough, but then in the past 3 months things have got really bad, he has broke up with me i dont know how many times and got back with me but everytime he gets back with me its on his terms, i have to agree with what he wants which is to see me a mon weds fri evening but sleep at our own houses, tues and thurs have a evening off but sleep at eachothers houses, then sat and sun see him one of those days maybe and sleep at eachothers houses, hes slowly been going from on our nights we see eachother seeing me at 8pm then 9pm n now its 10pm by the time he sees me, he says its coz he works late then goes to the gym which i know is true but this mon night he came to mine at 10 then left at 10.30 saying he needed a early nite but he went out and seen his friends for a hour before going home, then when i asked to him him a hour earlyier tues night on our night off he said no, now hes also got planned on our night of seeing eachother on weds to go watch footie so i will see him again for half hour, he says he does miss me and cant wait to see me and does want to apend time with me hes just always busy, but in my eyes this is not a relationship and i dont feel like he does want to see me and spend time with me, over the past year he has been seeing me less and less and less to the point of seeing him half hour to a hour a nite, i want to be with him but im not happy with the way things are anymore

[Scrumpy]

Also we never spend any time together just us two its always with friends, he never seems intrested to do anything just us two

[acrosstheuniverse]

He has lost interest and is stringing you along, for whatever reason. Did I read that right...

 

"see me a mon weds fri evening but sleep at our own houses, tues and thurs have a evening off but sleep at eachothers houses"

 

So you hang out Mon/Wed/Fri but don't spend a night together, then on Tues and Thurs you don't see each other but DO sleep at the same house? So I'm guessing he comes round and you have sex and fall asleep, or what?

 

He's playing with you. Why are you letting him dictate the terms of your relationship so strictly? He's probably at the stage now of seeing how far he can push you because clearly he can do and say what he wants and you won't leave him.

[clia]

I think your clinginess has put him off.

 

Hi i have been with my bf for nearly two years now, the first year was great seen eachother everyday he always wanted to see me and do things together, he spent every nite sleeping at my house, was so loving and affectionate.

 

It's normal to want to see a lot of each other in the beginning. His bad for getting you used to spending every night with him.

 

but then in january this year he broke up with me for a week got back together then he started wanting two evenings to do his own which is fair enough,

 

The fact that he felt he had to break up with you to get two evenings a week to himself indicates to me that we are missing a lot of the story. Really, wanting two evenings a week is no big deal.

 

but then in the past 3 months things have got really bad, he has broke up with me i dont know how many times and got back with me but everytime he gets back with me its on his terms, i have to agree with what he wants

 

Actually, you don't have to agree to his terms. You can opt not to get back together with him to find a guy who wants to spend every waking and sleeping minute with you.

 

which is to see me a mon weds fri evening but sleep at our own houses, tues and thurs have a evening off but sleep at eachothers houses, then sat and sun see him one of those days maybe and sleep at eachothers houses,

 

I think it's totally reasonable that he doesn't want to sleep over every night, and that he wants nights off. The schedule he's proposed has you seeing each other almost every day. If he wanted to spend every night with you, he would marry you.

 

hes slowly been going from on our nights we see eachother seeing me at 8pm then 9pm n now its 10pm by the time he sees me, he says its coz he works late then goes to the gym which i know is true

 

If this isn't acceptable to you, you need to tell him. But you obviously know that he works late and then goes to the gym. Maybe you need to request to see him on a different night when he doesn't have those things going on?

 

but this mon night he came to mine at 10 then left at 10.30 saying he needed a early nite but he went out and seen his friends for a hour before going home, then when i asked to him him a hour earlyier tues night on our night off he said no, now hes also got planned on our night of seeing eachother on weds to go watch footie so i will see him again for half hour, he says he does miss me and cant wait to see me and does want to apend time with me hes just always busy, but in my eyes this is not a relationship and i dont feel like he does want to see me and spend time with me, over the past year he has been seeing me less and less and less to the point of seeing him half hour to a hour a nite, i want to be with him but im not happy with the way things are anymore

 

I am just really getting the impression that he's feeling smothered by you, and I don't really know why. If I were you, I would pull way back. I would tell him that if he's only planning to see you for 1/2 an hour on your nights together, that he shouldn't bother, and you will make other plans for your evening. (But do not do this in an angry, accusatory way. Be light about it, and just say "Oh, it sounds like you don't really have time to see me, but that's no big deal. I will go have drinks with Susie instead.") I don't know how much you are texting or calling him, but I would also pull way back on that, and only respond to his texts and calls. Don't initiate it unless it is absolutely necessary. IMO, you really need to give him time to miss you. He doesn't have that now, especially since he is seeing you every single day. I would even suggest that you don't try to see him every day. Three or four times a week is more than sufficient.

 

The other answer is that he's losing interest in you. I think if you do a major pullback you will find out if this is the case.

[Scrumpy]

Thank you for your replys, your right in what u are saying coz he knows i wont leave him he knows hes got me, do you think he still loves me? And how can i make him intrested in me again? ...... Ive already stopped messageing him first and when he does message me i dont reply for at least a hour, he did tell me not to call him after work and just to let him contact me, ive tryed when he says hes got something planned on our night to see eachother saying okay thats okay in a happy way rather than saying do u not want to see me, it doesnt change much apart from stops a arguement, ill try the things you have suggested and hopefully it will help, thank u, im just not used to a relationship being this way, i was in a 6 year relationship before my current bf and we lived together for 5 years, seen him every night straight from him finishing work, i feel my current relationship should be moving forward and becoming more serious rather than going backwards, his reason for spending so much time with me for the first year is he felt like he had to coz he didnt want to lose me, in the first year he proposed to me then changed his mind, suggested we get a flat and have a baby then changed his mind, he said he wasnt ready but did those things coz he felt thats what i wanted and had to to keep me, im 23 and hes 19 so theres abit of a age gap and he felt like he had to want those things to be with me

[aus1]

Let him miss you. If you don't contact so often maybe he will realise.

[Scrumpy]

I didnt think the age would matter coz he seemed really mature and wanted a serious relationship at the time, i know this is going to sound silly but even things like him going on facebook whilst at work but not texting me all day then saying sorry he hasnt text me all day hes been flat out at work upsets me, im going to try and make him miss me, he hasnt contacted me today and i havnt contacted him

[Betterthanthis13]

I didnt think the age would matter coz he seemed really mature and wanted a serious relationship at the time, i know this is going to sound silly but even things like him going on facebook whilst at work but not texting me all day then saying sorry he hasnt text me all day hes been flat out at work upsets me, im going to try and make him miss me, he hasnt contacted me today and i havnt contacted him

 

Sorry you are having a hard time right now. 19 is very young, I am sure he is mature for his age and you don't want to hear that but it is young. My son is around that age. He's very mature too but what you are describing you want from this guy is unrealistic.

 

It's understandable that you got used to him being around all the time, and it's upsetting when things change. I'm sorry you are hurting. What else do you like to do? Do you have other friends that you go out with? Any activities you like, sports or hobbies?

[Scrumpy]

Thank u for the nice message, i really didnt think the age gap would of been a problem as with my last relationship of 6 years i was 15 and he was 17 and he moved into my house after a year, we spent one night apart in the whole 6 years, so this is just so different for me, its going to sound silly but i miss him all the time and dont enjoy things as much when hes not around, it may be due to im hurting i dont know, i wasnt like this with my last bf, i enjoyed things just as much if he wasnt about, i see my friends every night, but they arnt really intrested in going off and doing things, ive started goingg puppy training with my sister and her puppy on a tues evening, my bf has such a busy life and always has plans and things to do where i dont, so to him im avalible whenever he wants to see me

[Betterthanthis13]

Thank u for the nice message, i really didnt think the age gap would of been a problem as with my last relationship of 6 years i was 15 and he was 17 and he moved into my house after a year, we spent one night apart in the whole 6 years, so this is just so different for me, its going to sound silly but i miss him all the time and dont enjoy things as much when hes not around, it may be due to im hurting i dont know, i wasnt like this with my last bf, i enjoyed things just as much if he wasnt about, i see my friends every night, but they arnt really intrested in going off and doing things, ive started goingg puppy training with my sister and her puppy on a tues evening, my bf has such a busy life and always has plans and things to do where i dont, so to him im avalible whenever he wants to see me

 

So it sounds like what you want in a relationship is to have someone around all the time- that makes you happy. Two things to consider here. First is, he has let you know that he does not want that type of constant contact from a relationship. That is ok, it doesn't mean you are a bad person or that he doesn't care about you. It just means you want different things.

 

Second thing to think about is why do you want that much constant contact? It makes sense you think that if that is how your first bf and you were when you were teenagers. But do you think that is a good idea for adult relationships?

[clia]

What really strikes me is that it all sounds like such a duty, rather than a good, fun relationship.

 

I mean:

 

i have to agree with what he wants which is to see me a mon weds fri evening but sleep at our own houses, tues and thurs have a evening off but sleep at eachothers houses, then sat and sun see him one of those days maybe and sleep at eachothers houses,

 

This schedule basically has you seeing each other nearly every day, possibly excluding a Saturday or Sunday here and there. I'm wondering if he suggested it this way because (1) he knows you want to see him every day and/or (2) he thinks that couples who have been together for two years should see each other every day even if he doesn't really want to. He is only 19. That is so young. I don't really blame him for wanting to spend time with his buddies. That's what people do at 19 years old. Did you ever sit down with him and ask him, excluding anything else (like what you want) how often would he like to see you in his ideal scenario?

 

Because honestly, looking at that schedule makes me feel smothered. I can't imagine how stressful it must feel to know that you have to fit a person in nearly every day, no matter what else you might have going on. (Because IMO, his stopping by for half an hour isn't any indication that he really wants to see you. It feels like more of a duty.) And then, as you've found out, should something come up like football on Wednesday night with his buddies, he can't just bail on you without you feeling upset. Maybe you should suggest something a little more flexible. Like, for example, let's try to see each other 3 days a week. Then you play it by ear to figure out what days those are, depending on both of your schedules.

 

It also sounds to me like you need to "get a life" outside of him. You shouldn't be so available. You should have a life of your own, and be able to keep yourself busy with friends, hobbies, work, gym, etc. If you are seeing him nearly every day, I can't see how you have any time to go out with your friends. Also, I can tell you that if my boyfriend told me he was coming over, and then then pushed it off until 10 o'clock at night, I would tell him not to bother. But you just sit there like a doormat and accept it. Why?

 

At the end of the day, you two may just not be compatible. Some people like a lot of together time; others don't. It doesn't make either of you wrong. It just means you may be with the wrong person. However, it is likely going to drive him away faster than it will drive you away.

[Scrumpy]

So it sounds like what you want in a relationship is to have someone around all the time- that makes you happy. Two things to consider here. First is, he has let you know that he does not want that type of constant contact from a relationship. That is ok, it doesn't mean you are a bad person or that he doesn't care about you. It just means you want different things.

 

Second thing to think about is why do you want that much constant contact? It makes sense you think that if that is how your first bf and you were when you were teenagers. But do you think that is a good idea for adult relationships?

 

I dont think its right to be with eachother 24/7 coz u need yourown time to yourself, time with family time with friends and time with your partner, but ive always known a relationship to be you see eachother rather alot and i do enjoy spending time with him and do want to spend more time with him than what we do now, maybe its coz i was always used to that thats all ive known, he did say to me hes a very indipendent person, but i think i find it hard because he used to always want to see me, maybe we do want differnt things,

[Scrumpy]

What really strikes me is that it all sounds like such a duty, rather than a good, fun relationship.

 

I mean:

 

 

 

This schedule basically has you seeing each other nearly every day, possibly excluding a Saturday or Sunday here and there. I'm wondering if he suggested it this way because (1) he knows you want to see him every day and/or (2) he thinks that couples who have been together for two years should see each other every day even if he doesn't really want to. He is only 19. That is so young. I don't really blame him for wanting to spend time with his buddies. That's what people do at 19 years old. Did you ever sit down with him and ask him, excluding anything else (like what you want) how often would he like to see you in his ideal scenario?

 

Because honestly, looking at that schedule makes me feel smothered. I can't imagine how stressful it must feel to know that you have to fit a person in nearly every day, no matter what else you might have going on. (Because IMO, his stopping by for half an hour isn't any indication that he really wants to see you. It feels like more of a duty.) And then, as you've found out, should something come up like football on Wednesday night with his buddies, he can't just bail on you without you feeling upset. Maybe you should suggest something a little more flexible. Like, for example, let's try to see each other 3 days a week. Then you play it by ear to figure out what days those are, depending on both of your schedules.

 

It also sounds to me like you need to "get a life" outside of him. You shouldn't be so available. You should have a life of your own, and be able to keep yourself busy with friends, hobbies, work, gym, etc. If you are seeing him nearly every day, I can't see how you have any time to go out with your friends. Also, I can tell you that if my boyfriend told me he was coming over, and then then pushed it off until 10 o'clock at night, I would tell him not to bother. But you just sit there like a doormat and accept it. Why?

 

At the end of the day, you two may just not be compatible. Some people like a lot of together time; others don't. It doesn't make either of you wrong. It just means you may be with the wrong person. However, it is likely going to drive him away faster than it will drive you away.

 

It does make me feel like he maybe feels like he has to come see me, rather than wanting to, i can understand him wanting to spend time with his friends but we do see our friends everyday, we have the same group of friends and im out with them then when he comes out at 10 he will see them and me together, or he sees them on a evening and i stay home, im so used to if i upset him or piss him off that he will split up with me, i think thats why i just wait around for him all the time and dont complain coz everytime i do mention it he gets stressy and angry and says find someone whos got more time for u then, or says this does my head it ive told u im always busy stop moaning im fed up with it, im afraid to stand up to him, whenever we argue i will always say im sorry even if its not my fault

[Betterthanthis13]

I dont think its right to be with eachother 24/7 coz u need yourown time to yourself, time with family time with friends and time with your partner, but ive always known a relationship to be you see eachother rather alot and i do enjoy spending time with him and do want to spend more time with him than what we do now, maybe its coz i was always used to that thats all ive known, he did say to me hes a very indipendent person, but i think i find it hard because he used to always want to see me, maybe we do want differnt things,

 

Well when a relationship first starts up, it's normal that you *want* to see each other all the time. It's not a great idea to spend so much time together in the beginning though, because you can lose your own identity and become dependent on the relationship to be your entire support system and social life.

I'd just give him some space, and focus on doing things you are interested in, like the puppy training with your sister, maybe try out some new things on your own, make some new friends.

If you get busy having fun and enjoying life, it will probably help your relationship. Try not to see it as spending less time together but as having more time to do things that make YOU happy.... It won't feel like that at first, but try it out for a few months and then you might be pleasantly surprised at how things can fall into place.

[Scrumpy]

Well when a relationship first starts up, it's normal that you *want* to see each other all the time. It's not a great idea to spend so much time together in the beginning though, because you can lose your own identity and become dependent on the relationship to be your entire support system and social life.

I'd just give him some space, and focus on doing things you are interested in, like the puppy training with your sister, maybe try out some new things on your own, make some new friends.

If you get busy having fun and enjoying life, it will probably help your relationship. Try not to see it as spending less time together but as having more time to do things that make YOU happy.... It won't feel like that at first, but try it out for a few months and then you might be pleasantly surprised at how things can fall into place.

 

He did say to me that he wished he didnt spend so much time with me at the start coz that has made me want to continue that, i think that a relationship should be balenced, with seeing eachother seeing friends seeing family, but at the moment i feel like everything else comes before me, like he only see me quarter of the time, we put the two nights off in place to do our own thing so we have time to do things together and spend time together on the nights that we do see eachother but he will not go gym on our nights off but go on the nights we see eachother, where as i would go gym on our nights off so i can see him on our nights together, if we are spending a whole evening together say a saturday night he wants to go off on his own and do something saturday daytime im happy with that because we have actually spent some time together rather than half hour, i dont mind us doing our own thing but at the moment i feel like i hardly see him and hes always doing his own thing, thank you for your advice and i will try to make some changes, find more things to do get some more hobbies

[Shaun-Dro]

Hi i have been with my bf for nearly two years now, the first year was great seen eachother everyday he always wanted to see me and do things together, he spent every nite sleeping at my house, was so loving and affectionate. but then in january this year he broke up with me for a week got back together then he started wanting two evenings to do his own which is fair enough, but then in the past 3 months things have got really bad, he has broke up with me i dont know how many times and got back with me but everytime he gets back with me its on his terms, i have to agree with what he wants which is to see me a mon weds fri evening but sleep at our own houses, tues and thurs have a evening off but sleep at eachothers houses, then sat and sun see him one of those days maybe and sleep at eachothers houses, hes slowly been going from on our nights we see eachother seeing me at 8pm then 9pm n now its 10pm by the time he sees me, he says its coz he works late then goes to the gym which i know is true but this mon night he came to mine at 10 then left at 10.30 saying he needed a early nite but he went out and seen his friends for a hour before going home, then when i asked to him him a hour earlyier tues night on our night off he said no, now hes also got planned on our night of seeing eachother on weds to go watch footie so i will see him again for half hour, he says he does miss me and cant wait to see me and does want to apend time with me hes just always busy, but in my eyes this is not a relationship and i dont feel like he does want to see me and spend time with me, over the past year he has been seeing me less and less and less to the point of seeing him half hour to a hour a nite, i want to be with him but im not happy with the way things are anymore

 

You need to learn that most men don't respond well to needy women.

[Scrumpy]

You need to learn that most men don't respond well to needy women.

 

Im really good at making a bloke chase and playing hard to get ect to start with but once im in love i find it hard, i think the reason why im finding it especially hard with my current bf is because of the constant breaking up with me,