she found out about me

[Owl]

Actually, while I'm a guy I can understand the need for it. In a way, some of my own "holding on" to what I went through is tied to something like that. My wife's OM was a friend of mine. And once everything came out in the open, I never truly got the chance to tell the SOB what I thought of him after what he'd done. Mostly in reference to the betrayal of our "friendship", which I know now was all BS. (My wife of course still disagrees, claiming that this guy really hated what was going to happen to our "friendship", and that he really did like and respect me, but she doesn't see my side...that he wanted her and pursued her from the first time he met her...before he was my friend. That means our friendship was never real...at least to me.).

 

I feel like he got off easy in way...I never got the chance to tell him how I feel on the whole subject.

 

No this isn't the same situation as LFP's...just pointing out that I can understand why she needs a definitive "end". I'm simply telling her that she needs to do exactly that then....make a flat out, final END to the affair, once and for all. Then go get what she really deserves...someone who is kind and loving and honest and single, so there's no issue with being an OW.

[izzybelle]

for some of us the issue of closure is very important in being able to heal and to move on. for those that don't fit into that group, i know it's hard to understand. one of the problems with some of the OW/MM relationships is that closure doesn't always happen. especially if the W or SO finds out, all contact is banned and the OW is just left staring at the phone or computer screen wondering how things went from blissful to shi*ty in the space of a day.

 

for me, when my relationship with my MM ended because his W found out, i pushed for a meeting with him to talk. took a while to work out the logistics and i'm sure he wasn't thrilled about having to tell me to my face, but too bad. although it was (and is) still painful after that, i do feel that i got some answers to questions i had. for me it helped, for others it may have been a disaster waiting to happen. we all deal differently and i think instintively know what we need to do to move on.

[Owl]

Originally posted by izzybelle

... especially if the W or SO finds out, all contact is banned and the OW is just left staring at the phone or computer screen wondering how things went from blissful to shi*ty in the space of a day.

 

Just struck me as an intersting way to look at it...and its interesting to note how it works exactly the opposite for the betrayed spouse as well. While most of weren't "blissful", I know that in my case it went from "I know that she's distant from me, but we can work it out" to "OMG, I can't believe that she's doing this". The moment it went from bliss to shock for the OM/OW came sometime after someone else had the exact same feelings go through them as well.

 

I saw the logs for the last three days that my wife and her OM were chatting online. He could tell (tho she didn't...she was still blinded by what was going on) from her comments and mine that I was catching on to what was happening...and he made the comment that "I am scared because I know that someday I'm going to come sit at this computer and you're not going to be there." I have no doubt he felt the same way you did Izzy.

 

Sad in a way...one way or another, someone is going to suffer from an affair. Usually all three end up with scars after its all said and done. And I've seen very few people ever say that it was worth it. Too bad none of us had the sense to look for help BEFORE any of us got involved in the affair, huh?

[izzybelle]

owl,

 

the situations do parallel each other and i know as odd as it is, a lot of the feelings are similar (or so i'm guessing). in some ways the couple that's trying to save the marriage has a more difficult road because of the damage that's been done, but at least they have the knowledge that they could be (hopefully) working toward something wonderful TOGETHER. in many cases the OW is just left..... and i think that's why we come here, the other person involved in the "pain" can't help us through it. and not that i expect anyone to feel sorry for me (us) - not looking for sympathy - it's an incredibly lonely depressing feeling to go, in my case, from " want to be with you forever" to "i can't be there for you anymore".

 

Too bad none of us had the sense to look for help BEFORE any of us got involved in the affair, huh?

crystal ball's been busted for a few years now.... time to find another!

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by Owl

LFP,

 

I have to agree with Spock as well. (please, no one fall out of their chairs! ) Unless you take active, serious measures to eliminate contact with him, you are fooling yourself. You're just putting yourself through some un-needed pain by sitting here going back and forth. And if you don't do something irrevocable to remove contact with him, you'll always be able to fall back to having him as a crutch when you're weak.

 

Take advantage of what has happened, and use your hurt and pain to do something for yourself here. You know darn well that there is nothing good about this unhealthy relationship you have had with him up to this point. Parts of it may have felt wonderful, but overall you know its not going to end in any way that you will all be happy. It just can't.

 

So, now's your chance. You know that he's not going to be honest, to you or his wife. You can never really trust him after all of this...so why stay with him?? You're hurting right now. So, deal with a slightly bigger hurt now to avoid that major catastrophe hurt you will be facing later. Break off contact with him completely. Heal up a bit, and look for a healthy relationship with someone who is single, who hasn't cheated like this guy has. Someone you can trust in the future.

 

Now is your chance. What you do with it will affect your future, so sieze the moment!

 

You might not be able to control your heart...but you don't have to let your heart control YOU. Let your head make some of the decisions in your life as well...that's why you've got a brain.

 

we no longer have a romantic relationship. we mutually ended that and tried to remain friends. of course, that was difficult for me because i was still in love with him. i told him several months ago that i didn't think i could be his friend. this is what we went back and forth about because he said he didn't want to lose me in his life. but we weren't being inappropriate in a romantic sense at this time.

 

the problem is that he saved cards and letters and i guess he wasn't very good at hiding them. his girlfriend found them accidentally (he's not married - i know it doesn't make me better morally but i do think if he'd been married that i couldn't have gotten as involved with him as i did). she broke up with him. they are still broken up (as an email from him this morning just told me - an email, i might add, that i have not responded to).

 

i want the closure of the phone call. i'll move on either way if i get it or not but i want the closure. i have a lot of natural questions. how did she find them? what happened immediately afterward? how did their families respond? what do i tell our mutual friends? and i would like to say goodbye.

 

believe me, i have no false hopes of continuing a romantic relationship that hasn't been active for more than six months. but i'd like to say goodbye a little better than a hurried email to someone that i loved very much, that helped me through some severe hardships (my cancer, murder of a good friend, death of another mutual friend in a car accident, and the sudden death of my best friend - all within the past two years). i want to move on and i want the closure. i'm not forcing it. i'm not emailing him daily or even weekly asking for it. but if he does call, i want to hear the answers to my questions and i'd like to be able to say goodbye in a more meaningful way.

 

but i'm not fooling myself.

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

But she can't move on without some sort of closure! I know most guys HATE that word CLOSURE....But it's true. I am with you on this one Flower!

 

I remember when a guy dumped me and I never got closure. Bugged the s*** outta me until I got it...And I had to chase him DOWN to get my closure. Atleast I got to say what I wanted to say OUT to him and we had a final goodbye, have a nice life type of thing.

 

no, i don't think men understand a female's need for closure. it's somehow easier for men to just get up, walk away and never look back. but a lot of people need closure to move on in our hearts and our heads.

 

thank you, whichway.

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by izzybelle

owl,

 

the situations do parallel each other and i know as odd as it is, a lot of the feelings are similar (or so i'm guessing). in some ways the couple that's trying to save the marriage has a more difficult road because of the damage that's been done, but at least they have the knowledge that they could be (hopefully) working toward something wonderful TOGETHER. in many cases the OW is just left..... and i think that's why we come here, the other person involved in the "pain" can't help us through it. and not that i expect anyone to feel sorry for me (us) - not looking for sympathy - it's an incredibly lonely depressing feeling to go, in my case, from " want to be with you forever" to "i can't be there for you anymore".

 

 

crystal ball's been busted for a few years now.... time to find another!

 

you are right. we are left and we are alone. there is to be no working towards anything.

 

i've been on both ends of the coin here and i can truly say that being the other person when it's over hurt me the worst. when i was married and my husband cheated, it was bitter and i hurt but we worked together to try to overcome it. when you are the other person that's left alone, you are really alone and there is no one there trying to work on anything with you.

 

i'm not saying it's harder for the other person but i don't think the betrayed girlfriends/boyfriends or spouses understand that it's very painful for the person left behind. i'm sure they don't care and i don't think they should. but as has already been said, that is why some of us come here. we can talk to someone else that's been in our position and try to find some healing for ourselves.

[Owl]

LFP and Izzy-

 

While I've never been the OM (nor do I plan on it...LOL), I can sort of understand what you're saying. Believe it or not, I've actually sat and thought about what the OM in our situation went through when this all fell apart. After all, he was supposedly my "friend". At the end of it all, he was left with nothing. I can well imagine how hurt and depressed he must have felt...it must have been exactly what I was feeling when she left me and was in the motel getting ready to fly to be with him. The only difference (and this really only applies in my circumstance, since they never had the chance to physically get together) was that I KNEW what I was losing. I'd been with this woman for 17 years. He "had" her only for about 6 weeks, and that was just via phone calls and computer. So he lost a fantasy...which I'll admit can hurt just as much or worse than the reality.

 

I've never said that I don't feel for the OM/OWs out there...its too easy for me to imagine that pain, given what I've gone through. LOL...I guess the only one whom I don't feel a little sorry for is the one my wife got involved with!! In his case (and I'm NOT saying its all the same, so don't take it that way please), I really feel he got what he deserved. He deliberately came between us, he had all the chance in the world to avoid it and to make me aware of how upset my wife was as my friend...but he didn't. But, on my better days, I find myself hoping he found someone else and that he's doing alright...and from a purely selfish viewpoint...if he's got someone else I won't have to worry about him coming back around my wife!

[littleflowerpot]

owl, i understand what you're saying. i understand you have no sympathy for your wife's OM and i know that my ex's gf has no sympathy for me. they shouldn't. we have done something wrong to them. i didn't think about it at the time (i deliberately tried to not think about it). i didn't enter into the intimate part of our relationship purposefully trying to have that happened. we were best friends and we let it go too far. i was weak and behaved in a stupid fashion. so did he. but that is not her fault and she has no reason to feel any compassion for me. i understand how you feel about him. i've been cheated on before too.

 

i guess we're here trying to understand how it all happens in the first place and to find the best way for each of us to move on from a bad situation.

 

btw, i never intended to be the OW either. i was so sure i'd never be the OW. i didn't plan it but i fell in love and i behaved foolishly. i sure do regret it now.

[izzybelle]

owl,

 

i have to say that your handling of your difficult situation is wonderful and i would guess unusual. the fact that while you don't feel sorry for him (understandably so) the fact that you can step outside of that and to some extent wish him well is remarkable. even if it is just so he doesn't bother your W again !

 

we OWs get a lot of bashing and some of it obviously deserved. as LFP said, we did some stupid things. and granted most of the bashing comes from the betrayed W, and on some level, i do understand why they feel the need to do that. but what angers me sometimes is, not only the complete disregard for someone else's pain, but the statements regarding karma and what goes around comes around. like with many other situations and groups of people it's far too easy to group us all together, that all OWs are evil people with unresolved childhood issues, lack of self-esteem and the like (i think i've heard it all). to be able to get past the feeling of needing to strike out at those of us in similar situations takes someone, IMO, who has the maturity to be able to realize that it was not just one person's doing, that it was a triangle, and dam* if the points on that triangle don't hurt everyone involved. i'm sure there are some OW/OMs out there who are in it just to see if they can "win" but i think in many cases it's just a series of very stupid mistakes, emotions that get out of control, and the "need" to fill a void in their lives.

 

please don't get me wrong, i don't condone affairs, it's just nice every once in a while to see an "outsider" who acknowledges that the road we walk as OWs is not as easy as some would want to believe. and yes, it's a path that we "chose" but everyone makes mistakes and i think there are few out there who would willingly take that path. and i know there are others like you who are willing to engage in conversations with an open mind and an open heart. although i'm sure you're not perfect , i do believe your wife is fortunate to have someone as understanding and open as you are.

 

izzy

[ariane]

Yup, I can relate. Had an affair on my husband with a guy from school who has a girlfriend. We hadn't slept together, but had kissed and done some heavy petting. GF found out about us and so did hubby. Hubby called R and told him to stay away from me, plus GF called me and told me not to contact R again. R has been avoiding me ever since everyone found out.

[Stinkerbelle]

Sorry -- he is a wanker.

 

Ariane, I am sorry to hear of your situation as well. I know you won't believe me yet, but the best thing in the world is when everything comes out in the open and there are no more lies or secrets to hide. Good luck.

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by Stinkerbelle

Sorry -- he is a wanker.

 

Ariane, I am sorry to hear of your situation as well. I know you won't believe me yet, but the best thing in the world is when everything comes out in the open and there are no more lies or secrets to hide. Good luck.

 

that's pretty much where we are at now. a lot of stuff has been revealed to me and to her this past week. the **** has hit the fan and it hasn't been pretty.

 

damn, i'm so tired.

[ariane]

What kinds of things have been revealed?

I miss R. It really sucks.

[Leaf]

"i guess this is what i get for being the scarlet whore. i'm thrown away like used kleenex."

 

I am living this right now, today...

 

How are you dealing with this? I cant eat, sleep, or anything. I quoted you because that is EXCATLY how I feel.

Thrown away.

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by Leaf

"i guess this is what i get for being the scarlet whore. i'm thrown away like used kleenex."

 

I am living this right now, today...

 

How are you dealing with this? I cant eat, sleep, or anything. I quoted you because that is EXCATLY how I feel.

Thrown away.

 

i dealt with it very badly for a long time but then something happened in the past month. i got pissed off. pissed off at him and pissed off at me for doing this for so long. now something strange has happened. he can't seem to get enough of me. i guess he can't get enough of abuse either because every time he calls or writes, i'm horrible. i'm so furious i can't even begin to talk to him in a civil manner. but he's calling and begging for one more chance. he's sending multiple emails daily asking for more chances. but for what? nothing would change. for awhile there's be the honeymoon stage and then it would go back to the same damn thing. i'm just tired of the excuses and the lies and the hiding and all of it.

 

maybe next week i'll be crying and sad and feeling thrown away again but for now i'm fed up and it's amazing how a little anger can get you through some of this.

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by ariane

What kinds of things have been revealed?

I miss R. It really sucks.

 

i found out he watched a lot of porn and talked to stupid camwhores from a site called camwhores.com. lol - what a freaking loser. he tried to claim it was his nephew using his computer and his name but that's full of crap.