Devastated to find my boyfriend was cheating!!!

[Sweets1919]

I have been dating my boyfriend since August. He works out of town two weeks on and then gets one week off. The first two times he had weeks off he stayed with me. The next two times he had weeks off, he spent half the time with me and the other three days he flew back to the city where we are both from. Over the last month I thought he had been a bit distant and chalked it up to settling into a relationship. A month ago he came back to see me after a weekend away. We talked a bit and he said he thought his feelings had changed and that we might have rushed things and I basically said "ok" then we can be friends. Then he said that no, he wanted to be with me so we kept things as they were. He told me he was in love with me and that I was his girlfriend.

 

Last Friday I drove 5 hours to spend the weekend with him in the town where he works. We went out Friday night and on Saturday he went to work. I woke up at 11 and noticed he had left his cell phone at home. Recently when i had asked if he got some text messages I sent he would say they didn't come through (he works in the middle of nowhere). So i looked at his phone to see what ones of my texts actually came through.

 

I was shocked to see many messages sent to and from another girl....some identifying they had been intimate...some to her saying goodmorning at 6:05am and then a message to me saying the same thing a minute later. I called the girl from his phone and found out that she lives out by our hometown. She said she has been dating him for a couple months. Apparently they talked on the phone for a few weeks (Sept/Oct) and then when he went home for the first weekend, he met her. He lied to me about where he was spending nights and actually spent two of the three nights with her (having sex for the first time on the second night). It was after this weekend that he came back to me and told me he was confused, thought his feelings had changed, but then basically took it back and said that he did want to be with me.

 

Then on his next week off he was with me on the Wednesday and flew home to our hometown on Thursday. On Friday she came over to his place and spent Fri-Sunday with him. She told me that they had sex all weekend. He barely called me that weekend, his phone was off, he didn't return my texts. I was not happy with how he was being so inconsiderate and thought he was being a jerk and just must be out partying with his friends....i never thought he was having sex with another girl. He was basically maintaining two relationships!!!

 

So I left his place on Saturday when I found all this out. He came home from work 8 hrs later and called me asking me where I was. I told him i had talked to the other girl and knew everything and that I was breaking up with him. I told him I could never be with a cheater, that I deserve better and that if he didn't want to be with me then he should have broken up with me. He asked if there is anything he can do and I said no. When I spoke to the other girl again she told me that he was telling her the same things....even though he told me he didn't tell her that he wanted to work it out with her. How could I believe what he is saying....he's just trying to work at least one of us into not totally breaking it off with him.

 

So he and I talked on Saturday night, Sunday night and last night....for hours each time...more than we ever talked normally. He has basically said he was confused....I am 5 years older than him (I am 30) and he said he was scared that I was so much older....that he chickened out of saying his feelings had changed and sticking to it b/c he felt his stomach sink when I said "ok, then we'll just be friends". I have told him many times the last few days how he has hurt me and betrayed me and that I can't look at him the same. I told him that approaching this girl back in September (according to her, he called their mutual female friend asking to be set up with someone....he says he was just looking to meet new people...i would say she has the less reason to lie about that)was when the cheating started, even if they didn't actually meet till mid October. I told him that all those weeks I thought our relationship was something that it really wasnt'. His heart and head were not with me when he is thinking that he is going to see her soon, going to text her in the morning etc.

 

I am still upset. He hurt me very much and so did my last boyfriend (3 years ago). This bf knew about my last bf hurting me a lot so I told him it's even more painful because I had finally opened my heart again and he betrayed me. I have had so many feelings: shock, sadness, hurt, anger. He tells me that he hasn't eaten since I left (he came home to all my stuff gone), that he's sorry, that he didn't mean to hurt me. I do appreciate that he has been talking to me and let me get all my feelings out. I haven't gone ballistic (yelling & swearing) but I have said many things that express how hurt I am and how I can't trust him and how he was so selfish. He has offered to come down to see me so we can talk in person if that is what I need/want in order to feel better. Yesterday I told him not to bother and that I was going to send his belongings that were at my house up to him on the bus. I just still can't believe that this has happened. Friday I think everything is great and now I wake up everymorning not believing that it is over and just ripped out from under me.

 

He has been telling me that he was going to end it with her. That after last weekend he had decided that he really wanted to be with me. From the fact that he was still texting her up until the day before I found this out, I find it highly unlikely that that is the truth.

 

I would love to hear any comments, advice, tips for dealing with this. The other girl has told him to go F himself and won't talk to him. I needed to deal with this a different way. I think it would be a mistake for him to come down to see me, don't you? My head tells me it would be confusing and the wrong thing to do. The other part of me would love to see him and yell and cry and make him see what he has done to me. He says that he knows that we aren't going to get back together, he feels like crap, that he can't eat or sleep, can't believe he did this to me. He says he would come down just to help me deal with it if that's what I need, not to get back together.

 

He just texted me....it says "I'm sick, i can't sleep, i'm so disappointed with myself babe but mostly I'm sorry I put you in this position".

 

 

HELP!!!!

[Barby]

Well you and him were in a good relationship when he started cheating, she probably dumped his sorry butt as well and he's trying to keep at least one of you around.

 

He tried to dump you at first but chickened out, he should have been man enough to tell you he was interested in someone else before sleeping with her. 25 isn't that young to chalk it up to immaturity.

 

I think the best thing would be for you to find someone who lives and works closer by, sometimes in LDR one or the other feels empty and lacking in affection and ends up beginning to stray.

 

I wish you the best and I hope you don't take someone back who would be so inconsiderate and not think twice about cheating on you.

[dwsgirl]

I think the worst thing you could is let him see what he has done to you. Please don't take this guy back...you deserve so much better!

 

The reason he feels so bad about it is because he got caught and lost two women. Move on and find a real man who won't cheat on you.

 

Best of luck!

[Sweets1919]

Thanks for your replies. All this is just so disheartening. Since it happened I have been looking on the internet about cheating and the statistics are crazy....60% of married men and 40% of married women cheat!!!??!! It's disgusting. Even just reading posts in this forum shows me that there are so many people out there who cheat that is seems like finding a decent guy (who you are attracted to, similar interests etc....) is so tough anyways that the chances of his being faithful are going to be next to freaking impossible!!!!

[mshelleap]

Move ON! I just went thru my breakup last week after a 5 year relationship. I knew something was up and found out that he booked a hotel for 2 to Catalina. and it wasn't with me. Once a cheater, always a cheater and a LIAR.

 

It was the hardest weekend of my life knowing he was with another woman while I was sitting home alone. He knew I knew about it becasue I left him a message. He still stayed there for 2 nights! If he loved me like he said, he should of came right back. You should of heard all of his b/s.

 

How I moved on was registering myself with match.com and going out with guys. It was hard but now I am glad I did it. I found out there are a lot of good guys out there that will treat you with respect and show you a good time. Now, I am having a great time meeting all the wonderful men that I thought never existed.

 

I am so thankful to be out of that relationship and be treated good. The dates will give you hope and will allow the time to go by to heal.

 

I know it is hard but please don't take him back. You deserve better. You can date slowly and not rush into anything. You need to be busy with your time so it can go by and before you know it, you don't have the same feelings for the cheater.

 

If I could do it, ANYONE can. I truly feel your pain and disappointment. It sux and it's not fair.

[mshelleap]

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and NO contact with him. If he calls, ask him what he wants in an unemotional tone, and say you have nothing more to say. Try your best to get off the phone quickly.

 

If he emails, texts or anything else, try not to read them and DO NOT RESPOND.

 

This is what I did. He will try to get away with it again. It's a sick game. It hurt to know that I was with such a cold hearted person that long. He made it seem like I was the reason for everything wrong and saying such hurtful things to me while he was the bad one.

 

It made me feel so much better to know it wasn't me that was wrong when I found out about him. But it took alot out of me. I am not so hard on myself but there are days that are tougher than others. I get mad at myself for allowing someone like that to come near me. People are disappointing.

 

Hang in there...

[LiLLilacGirl80]

YOU KNOW I MET A MAN WHO ****ED UP EVERYTHING ME AND HIM EVER HAD. HE HAS TWO TO THREE GFS. I FEEL SO SAD KNOWING HIM. BEING IN LOVE WITH HIM WAS SUCH A BIG MISTAKE BIGGER THAN A TERRORIST ACT.

 

NOW THAT HE'S LEAVING ME, I'M GLAD TO BE LETTING HIM GO. I REALLY DON'T CARE FOR SUCH BS ANYMORE AND SUCH ABUSIVE, NEGLECTFUL BEHAVIOR. HE WAS TOO SELFISH AND ALL STUCK UP ON HIMSELF FOR ANYONE WORTHWHILE OR EVEN NOT WORTHWHILE.

 

I THOUGHT I COULD DEAL WITH HIM AND SEE HOW THINGS WENT. BUT THE FACT IS HE WILL NEVER SETTLE DOWN WITH ANY WOMAN. THE WAY HE IS, HE'S JUST HUNG UP ON HIMSELF AND WHAT HE CAN GET OUT OF WOMEN AND HOW HOW A WOMAN HE CAN SCORE AND HOW MANY.

 

I SERIOUSLY LOVE THE GUY, BUT...HE'S HURTING ME, AND I WON'T STAND FOR IT. FIND YOURSELF A REAL MAN. IF HE MAYBE IS A REAL MAN, HE REALLY ISN'T READY TO SETTLE DOWN AT ALL.

 

IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, TRULY LOVE SOMEONE, YOU COUL DNOT THINK OR ACT OUT HURTING THEM LIKE THIS. THIS IS ABUSE AND NOT LOVE, AND NOT TRUE LOVE. DON'T RUIN YOUR OWN LIFE CAUSE YOU'RE ADDICTED TO HIM. HE IS NOT WORTH IT, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM, HE IS SHOWING HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU AND IS NOT HEALTHY, AND NOT GOOD FOR YOU.

 

AND AGAIN, I LOVE THE GUY I LIKE, BUT...HE'S NOT BOYFRIEND MATERIAL FOR ME, AND SEEING HIM WITH THE OTHER WOMAN, HURTS MORE THAN ANYTHING. I WILL NOT WANT TO SEE HIM LOVE SOMEONE ELSE.

 

TRUST ME LEAVE HIM, IT'LL ONLY LEAD TO MORE PAIN AND LOSING HIM AT THE END TO ALL THE STUPID WOMEN HE LIKES, LOVES AND LUSTS AFTER. YOU PROBABLY ARE NOT WHAT HE REALLY WANTS. SORRY TO SAY THAT, BUT MAYBE IT'S TRUE OR HE'S A PLAYER OR NOT READY TO SETTLE DOWN. DON'T TAKE THE ABUSE FROM HIM, FIND AND PUT YOUR TIME INTO A REAL RELATIONSHIP

[Baubles]

move on...he will just cheat again...it's amazing how secure men feel until they are caught- even thn they try to lie out of it... he just got caught, next time he probably thinks he won't.