get her back!

[flight87]

il try and keep this as short as i can:

my girlfriend of 5 years seemed to just break up with me out of nowhere.

it shocked me to the point where as when we had "the talk" it didnt hit me untill the next day what actually happened.

 

i was deviated to say the least, i did try the im sorry i love u blah blah give me a 2nd chance stuff, obviously didnt work, but i was running of emotion and not my head, rookie mistake as this was my 1st serious relationship..

we have a child together (now 17months old) which is making this a different break up of sorts.

 

anyway, the reason for the break up was that she wasnt feeling the same as i hardly ever showed her the love she wanted/needed, not saying i didnt love her i did the same then as i do now, i just hardly ever showed her by doing the little things, flowers, taking her out(we went out not often tho), saying she beautiful etc. all the stuff girls love to hear and do.

as she had explained it was like i took her for granted ina way, we got comfortable, and i cant take all the blame for that can i?

either way couple days went by we were texting calling talkin alot about the relationship and it caused more fights than fixes, she said she wanted to keep us close n be friends because she does love n care for me. but ye, i wanted the relationship back (not the same but 2nd chance) she did not go for this.

 

i now know why she did what she did, i wasnt the best i did make mistakes as we all do, and she said my anger was a issue aswell lol but she seemed to not let go of things that happened 2months ago to 3years ago.. so it just built up, her words.

 

Now i can say after it all i have accepted the break up i have acceted i wrong her in ways but i do still love her and i want to have a relationship with her, i know this will take time.

i can also say we have not been talking as much and im going without seeing my baby girl (which is hard) and LC stage (as nc is kinda not a option) but im doing it for us coz there was so much tension when we was around eachother i feel this is working, its helping ME more than anything i feel happier more upbeat than i was 2weeks ago being all depressed n emotional (didnt cry infront of her dw)

 

she did tell me she has been talking to a male friend and its only a friend thing, i believe her (more than i dont) she just isnt that type of girl to mess around.. she said atm she just doesnt feel it, and needs time to heal.

which is fair enough i think.

 

in the end if you need more info i will give it. but i just need to know if there is a chance for us again.

[lylat333]

Sounds like a tough situation.

 

I think the best thing for you to do is focus on being a better person and not do anything to "fight" for her. Don't bring up your desire for a relationship anytime soon and when you do have exchanges with her, remain positive. Don't be suspicious about anything else going on in her life because that's not something you have any control over right now.

 

You just focus on being the best you can be, most importantly for yourself but because it will only serve you well for what you're going through. She may be genuinely confused right now and you want her to feel comfortable around you and start to see changes in you without having to tell her about it or convince her of anything. Be the best dad you can be.

 

Although I have heard from some people that when a person is left because they weren't caring enough... being too emotionally distant may not be the best thing even though it usually is. I'm hesitant to offer such a suggestion, but maybe if you see her and she looks nice, throw in a quick, genuine compliment or something like that. Something harmless to show her you notice and appreciate her.

[flight87]

thanks for the reply. appreciate it.

 

i have to add that when i see her i do say she looks good things like this, but we werent really "cool" at that time, as now i think the tension is kinda died as we havent really spoken at all this week which has been good for me i believe its helped. THE TEST will be when we actually see eachother in person..

 

she was sick last week and to i thought as she says i dont show i care enough i got her flowers as i thought she might like the gesture and not expect it from me.. she said that she was thankful for the flowers, but kinda backfired as she said why couldnt you do this months ago? (mistake?)

 

either way i still do miss her but im not being miserable anymore im more positive as i said and i say to myself now "if you are not positive about yourself how can you do anything positive at all?" i like this quote

 

i do hope the brief time apart has made her kinda miss me, but i dont want to let her go and make it seem like i dont care.. so this is my issue...

as they say the people that break it off, tend to hurt more than the dumpee

 

any further advice would be great

[PR08]

she said she wanted to keep us close n be friends because she does love n care for me.

 

Never do this, especially while this is still raw and while you still want her back. It's basically the kiss of death; it hands her all of the power in the dynamic and you're the one who is going to get burnt by it.

 

I have only ever seen the 'let's stay friends' work out once in my entire life, and that was because the two parties were amongst the kindest, considerate people I have ever met and just simply realized that they had outgrown each other.

[flight87]

thanks for the input..

 

i did tell her that i wanted to atleast be cool, but i DID tell her we cannot be close friends, best friends nothing like that.. but for the sake of our baby we have to atleast be cool and civil.. so for now thats what we doing!

 

i have not contacted her since sunday at all! (no facebook, texts, calls nothing)

she did text me 2days again and today tho, just to see what was up n how ive bee and to see when ima see my child.. she said she been doing nothing and she good (lol whatelse would she say) i pretty much said the same thing and that really it, I can say both times i have ended the text convos just by saying "well il let u go and hope u enjoy the rest of your day" so im taking some sort of control (i think)

[PR08]

If she gets in touch, there is nothing to say you can't be civil, polite and even funny if that's the sort of person you are. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to everything, although I personally think just flat-out ignoring them and moving on is the best policy. That obviously isn't going to work if you have a child, and is only going to make things worse.

 

Just don't be a friend. That's emasculating.

Don't emasculate yourself.

[lylat333]

Sounds like you're handling it pretty well, flight. You're being a good person without overdoing it and I think she's noticing that. Very good move on your part to be the one to end the conversations, that's something I wish I would have done on a couple of the last conversations I had with my ex.

 

I think the best way to be positive to her without 'emasculating yourself' is to be nice for the sake of being nice, not because you're trying to win her over. If it's genuine, it's good.

[flight87]

Again thanks for the input guys!

 

"Don't emasculate yourself"

This is something I will not do, that's something that give her the power as such.

I can't have that, for anything to happen she has to see I'm positive.

 

Iv learnt that If I end the convos it gives her the impression I'm busy and she may wonder what I'm doin etc.. (This is from reading n reading online) I believe it helps.. And as you said dude, be nice or the sake of being nice, giving her compliments etc i think will help her relise.. if I don't be nice then that's a issue considering we have a child involved so the whole break up was a different dynamic from the start. So the NC rule wasn't Goin to work but LC yes in a sence..

She could've moved on already, who knows , but I doubt it n i really don't want to think like that

[flight87]

anyone got anymore help for me?

[flight87]

UPDATE:: i texted her randomly asked about how our baby was n how she been stuff like that.. had a lil text chat n that was it.

 

i texted her again bout 2hrs later saying that one of her fav movies r on TV and thought she like to know if she didnt, and then just said enjoy the rest of your night, i dont want to bug you =]

 

i havent got a reply and when we did talk her replys were very short and direct.

does this mean she doesnt give a crap? and you think she has or is with someone else.

[PR08]

Unless it's specifically about your child, do not initiate contact with her.

You're making yourself too available, a mere 'option' for her instead of something desirable.

[lylat333]

It's a nice thought to let her know the movie she liked was on, and she may have even liked it on some level but unless you are interacting with her in person I would cut the small talk. Especially since she is not responding warmly, because then it comes off like you are a puppy with nothing else better to do than make her feel good. Which is normally sweet, but not under these circumstances!

 

Don't worry about whether or not she is with someone else. I'm going through the exact same thing... I've been undergoing true NC with my ex, we live 45 min. away and I haven't checked her FB in a while. Every night I have passing thoughts about if she is out at a bar or at someone's house, if she has company at her house or if there is another guy sleeping in her bed. It's not the most fun thing being in the dark but I know that worrying about it doesn't do a lick of good and I'm sure as hell not going to ask about it.

 

I'm starting to see the dynamics between my ex and I as a yin and yang thing, crazy as that sounds. If she is doing things that destroy our chances of reconciliation... then that shows me just how much I shouldn't worry about it. If she misses me and comes around and things are salvageable... I'll be ready to confront that, too. There will be an answer no matter how things go. I can't change her, the only thing I have control over is myself and the only thing worrying about her does is cause me to neglect myself.

[flight87]

PR08, agreed! i knew i made the mistake as soon as i sent the text. but i wont do this again unless situation changes.

 

im just going to stick to being positive and focus on me and my child thats all i can do,, maybe she will relise how good she had it and the little things i messed up arent that massive like she is making them out to be (i know they do count tho).

 

hopefully she changes her attitude ASAP because its getting old lol

[flight87]

I think I'm losing hope or I'm just over thinking things to think the worst but I'm getting to the point that I'm gettin over her!

 

Sorry I have to vent!

[flight87]

ok ive posted a previous post explaining the whole story, but for this sake

5year relationship over and we have a baby together so its all different that a normal break up (i aint a deadbeat dad)

 

anyway, when we talk on the phone text/call she is cool with me, even kinda loving/caring but when we face to face she changes her whole demeanour,

its goes to like she awkward, creates tension and pretty much being a B***H to me..

i asked her why and she said she dunno.. what kind of answer is this? lol

i just left it at that but yeah, like iv said b4 i end the convo's taking control of that but in the end her attitude is annoying me like CRAZY!

 

anyone got insight to maybe this is?

 

EDIT: i still want her back even after all this crap, after everyone telling me to forget her, i just know she is the one for me.

Edited September 9, 2013 by flight87

[flight87]

UPDATE: she kinda finally told me why she was being so negative and a B****

to me me,

 

she randomly texted me today and said this "Hey, whats up? im just going to say this im being wierd to you for reason i really dont know. Maybe im thinkn about everything that happened to me when we was dating and realising that it never should have, i dunno.. Dont go on about this either.

Just letting u know it will pass and we will be ok just will take time (lol) Dont reply and go on about this or ill get annoyed"

 

i replyed a lil bit later saying "hey, thats cool as long as you told me something that maybe the reason why.. just hope you regret me. but thanks for saying it"

 

 

I maybe shouldnt of said the regret me part but ay, hope she doesnt,

 

but in the end i see as she still thinks bout me, but she making it sound like i treated her like **** (which i dont think i did that bad, she just focusing on the lil negative sh**) im focusing on all the positives we had n that make me happy.

 

any insight

[heartshaped]

If there's any hope at all, you need to do strict LC only talk to her in reference to your child. Do not ask about her or respond to any texts or calls pertaining to anything other than your child.

 

You also need to do a 180. Be the guy that she fell in love with to begin with. Work on yourself, do the things you enjoy, go out and live your life. Either she will realize what she's lost or you'll get over her and it won't matter.

 

Good luck.

[flight87]

no doubt appreciate the reply.. but ur right i do good n then mess up by contacting her..

but im definate tryna be the way i used to be the guy she feel for.. ive said ive accepted it so now the goal is to start again really..

 

again appreciate.

[lylat333]

Sounds like a nice text from her... but why did you reply??? That's been an issue and she told you straight up not to reply to the text and you did, even mentioning you hope she tells you about this sometime.

 

Do not bring it up again!! She told you it will pass and you will be OK, despite whatever you are worried about you have to stop initiating contact about any sensitive subjects right now.

[loveiswar101]

I'm in all kinds of SH*t a moment and strange trying to give advise BUT I write this for you. If she say it will pass it may and say may pass, she has put the carrot out there for you a to give her space, don't be a donkey and eat the carrot and blow it now.

 

Contact only about your child, be polite etc, THAT'S IT. She's asked you not to go on about it, so don't...Give her space....

 

Taking a guess and like me your not a chump and like me you believe you are/could be a

great partner. So while trying to give her space, write down what you did wrong, thing how you can make yourself better in these departments.

 

Hope helps..

[flight87]

Sounds like a nice text from her... but why did you reply??? That's been an issue and she told you straight up not to reply to the text and you did, even mentioning you hope she tells you about this sometime.

 

Do not bring it up again!! She told you it will pass and you will be OK, despite whatever you are worried about you have to stop initiating contact about any sensitive subjects right now.

 

Thnx for ur reply once again man, I think she ment don't reply and go on about what she said. I didn't lol, all I said was I thanked her for saying something better than just I dunno I didn't ask to talk about it.. But anyway I'm trying n doing better not to contact her that was the only contact since the weekend so it's gettin there..

[flight87]

I'm in all kinds of SH*t a moment and strange trying to give advise BUT I write this for you. If she say it will pass it may and say may pass, she has put the carrot out there for you a to give her space, don't be a donkey and eat the carrot and blow it now.

 

Contact only about your child, be polite etc, THAT'S IT. She's asked you not to go on about it, so don't...Give her space....

 

Taking a guess and like me your not a chump and like me you believe you are/could be a

great partner. So while trying to give her space, write down what you did wrong, thing how you can make yourself better in these departments.

 

Hope helps..

 

Thanks to you too man, and yes like you I believe I'm good for her just a bump in the road. I have only spoken to briefly bout our child and I don't get in her business. I'm giving her as much as I can to do right by her and myself..

 

Iv been much better when we are face to face, being polite/nice etc she tries to start fight I think to test me in a way I don't go for the bait I just stay calm. But anyway

 

Thanks for the advice

[flight87]

Ok..

 

So my ex keeps saying text me tomorrow(I don't) after we have brief talks about our child and we kinda get into a convo as we have been getting along better as if late.. We discussed a few things but nothing along the lines of getting back together. She is ok when we are alone but when say her parents are around she is different? Why would this be? I asked her why and she said "i dunno".

 

I do want her back and it's been almost two months.. Do I keep soo what I'm doing or can I ask her to have a date jus us two?

Or is this too soon..

She said she still thinks about me and alot reminds her of me but she doesn't wanna think to much into it, I told her same things with me when I think about her. She doesn't know I do want her back I told her I'm over it (I don't say I'm over her tho) and she said that's good and feels we can be "kool".

 

AND she said that once I break up its done. But I feel our situation is kinda different we have a connection on a different level maybe I'm lookin for something that isn't there.. But

Iv been going out and stuff and she still for some reason tells me she going out n won't be home.

 

Any insight to what I should do?

Edited September 16, 2013 by flight87

[flight87]

So I found out she defiantly moved on.. Within 2mnths of breakup she has found someone new and has already slept with him..

 

This killed me to find out.. I think it way too soon she says she waited ages it didn't jus happen, I think she was seeing him while we was together but who knows.

.. I don't know wtf to do. I don't want to see her anytime soon but I love my daughter..

 

Is it a rebound thing?

[PR08]

It killed you to find out?

 

Stop killing yourself then.