ex got back in contact with me!!

[iltoro]

Hey guys this'll be a long read but i want you to know all the details:

So i knew this girl the night of my birthday last year. Intelligent pretty loving and caring. We were together for some 10 months. We were also each others first ones in the bedroom. She loved me like crazy. Not much gone and i loved her too. We had our difficulties meeting up and such but nothing to big.

 

New year passes and for various circumstances we couldnt have sex anymore. Coming with the anxiety of the finals i also **** up at valentines when we didnt even meet with my excuse being to busy with finals. Some day in late march she drops the bomb out of the blue...after a long conversation about money and keeping her she says were done, you cant keep me. I think: okay its the classic she will get back in a matter of hours. It didnt happen, but she contacted me with an "How are you" text two days later. We started talking and after 5 agonizing days chasing her and begging her to come back i had another chance with her. Two days later, texting (we hadnt even met after the break up) i asked her to come over, she didnt feel like it and told me that it was better if i let her go...

 

Days go by, i realise what i lost and try to get her back, one day even crying on the phone and contacting her sister.After a month of little contact, Nothing. she said i dont love you anymore, dont turn into a stalker. At 12th of may was her birthday. I did one last try: Bought flowers and at 12 am went to the club she was partying to wish her a happy birthday. She seemed like she was happy i got there but told me that i shouldnt have gone there. Now problem is that after nearly 2 months from the break up i cant get over her and i really want her back. I deciced i will start no contact from that day (12th of may).

 

Now after three months of no contact, she sent me a text about a week ago, saying that she was sorry for everything. She said she really meant it and one day she was going to explain me everything. I responded in a cold but correct manner saying that those things were in the past and there was no need to bring them up.

 

Now thing is i would LOVE to get together with her again, how do i proceed? Please help!!!

Edited September 5, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Philosoraptor]

You don't proceed. One text from her does not equal a reconciliation. Maybe it was sincere, but more likely since she ended with a "one day" to explain everything... it was to see if you were still on the hook. Has she responded again since? Maybe she just got dumped by someone else or had a ONS and was feeling down about it.

 

Why do you want to get back with her? She ended the relationship and called you a stalker.

[iltoro]

i think the things she called me were a bit off the rails but they were out of frustration. We havent communicated since that day but something tells me she was lonely that day and i have to catch the opportunity. Now i'd like to know what you would do. Maybe i can ask her out for a coffee with an excuse?

[Philosoraptor]

The fact that you were just a lonely option still does not equal any interest in a reconciliation. In fact, you'd just be allowing yourself to be used temporarily while she continues to move on with her life.

[iltoro]

Thing is i think i can get her back together to spend time with me, again the question is, how do i start doing that? Btw she has not been in a relationship since we split (that is some 6 months ago)

[lylat333]

Now after three months of no contact, she sent me a text about a week ago, saying that she was sorry for everything. She said she really meant it and one day she was going to explain me everything.

 

Sounds somewhat promising to me. I would just hope that she has good reasoning for whatever it is she needs to "explain". Until you know more, don't be throwing yourself at her.

 

I've seen a lot of cases of contact like this on other LS threads where it sounds like the dumper might want to reconcile and *poof*, they vanish. I suspect it's because they realize they do have the other person on the hook and on the backburner they go again.

[iltoro]

Yeah by knowing her i thing it's promising too, thats why i posted here for advice. She is a very proud and stubborn girl, rarely admits she is not right or that she did something wrong, so any advice lylat333?

 

Also how can i approach, as you said, to know more?

Edited September 4, 2013 by iltoro

[Simon Phoenix]

Assuming you already answered her, you wait for her make the next move. I don't really see much there at this point -- an apology doesn't mean she wants to reconnect at all. If she wants to see you, she'll reach out. If she doesn't, then she won't. But the last thing you should be doing right now is pushing her to do anything. The onus is on her to get back in your good graces.

[Babolat]

 

You don't. You remain NC. Let her come back when she is ready, if she is ready.

[Babolat]

Thing is i think i can get her back together to spend time with me,

Stop thinking this way, get her and this out of you head and go back to what you were doing to move on.

[iltoro]

As i said, she is a very stubborn and proud one, she wont lower her head too much, she is ice cold. I answered but in a pretty cold manner, would you consider to take her out and get a cup of coffee?

[Simon Phoenix]

As i said, she is a very stubborn and proud one, she wont lower her head too much, she is ice cold. I answered but in a pretty cold manner, would you consider to take her out and get a cup of coffee?

 

No, don't ask her out. Let her make the move.

[iltoro]

bumping for more advice on the situation

[PR08]

Go find something productive to do with your time instead of asking heartbroken strangers on an internet forum what to do.

That's the best advice I can give you.

[iltoro]

Go find something productive to do with your time instead of asking heartbroken strangers on an internet forum what to do.

That's the best advice I can give you.

 

Oh thats it? Then why are you here?

[lylat333]

Sorry iltoro I missed your post where you were asking me for more input.

 

My advice is to keep your expectations low, try not to assume anything in particular is going to happen.

 

The situation sounds like a classic example of if you try to get her to do something or bring something out of her, it will only make it worse. The less invested you are and the more you allow her to do her own thing, she will be more likely to take the initiative.

[PR08]

Oh thats it? Then why are you here?

 

I actually have a very fulfilling life at the moment. I just find it worthwhile from time to time to come on here and knock some sense into people who would otherwise be wasting their time.

Edited September 5, 2013 by PR08

[iltoro]

Sorry iltoro I missed your post where you were asking me for more input.

 

My advice is to keep your expectations low, try not to assume anything in particular is going to happen.

 

The situation sounds like a classic example of if you try to get her to do something or bring something out of her, it will only make it worse. The less invested you are and the more you allow her to do her own thing, she will be more likely to take the initiative.

 

Thanks lylat, but again, if she doesnt take initiative in say, 10 days, should i knock it off and ask her out for a friendly meeting?

[lylat333]

I don't think I would come out the gate asking if she wanted to hang out, but getting in touch might be OK as long as you will feel OK with however it goes.

 

Contact her in whatever way you feel most comfortable and ask how she is doing. Let some light conversation flow and if she asks about why you're calling say that you were confused about her getting in touch, and you thought it sounded like she wanted to talk sometime. If it were me I would still leave the ball in her court and not offer to meet up, I think she will do it if she wants to talk to you.

 

The key is you don't want to positively reinforce her vague behavior, where all she has to do is send an emotional text and that's enough to push your buttons and get you to come after her, you know? You need to operate with the belief that what she's doing (toying with your emotions) is not OK.

[iltoro]

I don't think I would come out the gate asking if she wanted to hang out, but getting in touch might be OK as long as you will feel OK with however it goes.

 

Contact her in whatever way you feel most comfortable and ask how she is doing. Let some light conversation flow and if she asks about why you're calling say that you were confused about her getting in touch, and you thought it sounded like she wanted to talk sometime. If it were me I would still leave the ball in her court and not offer to meet up, I think she will do it if she wants to talk to you.

 

The key is you don't want to positively reinforce her vague behavior, where all she has to do is send an emotional text and that's enough to push your buttons and get you to come after her, you know? You need to operate with the belief that what she's doing (toying with your emotions) is not OK.

 

Thanks for the advice man, see what i had in mind was inviting her for a coffee but with an excuse, asking her about a youth politics forum that i want to join. Thought it would be a good pretext to go out and also it would show her i have been doing something with my life while she was out of it.

[lylat333]

Hmm... I don't know. I think that is a good idea for something to do and it does show you're doing something, the downside is that you're still reaching out when she should be taking more initiative.

 

Minor clarification - when I said you could mention it sounded like she wanted to talk... don't make it sound like you are contacting her for the purpose of having that talk. Rather, the reason for you making contact is to express your confusion over her making it sound like she wanted to talk. That will help put her hands on the steering wheel. You taking all the initiative may sound productive in the near-future, but I fear you will be reinforcing the things that will cause you the most problems.

[iltoro]

Hmm... I don't know. I think that is a good idea for something to do and it does show you're doing something, the downside is that you're still reaching out when she should be taking more initiative.

 

Minor clarification - when I said you could mention it sounded like she wanted to talk... don't make it sound like you are contacting her for the purpose of having that talk. Rather, the reason for you making contact is to express your confusion over her making it sound like she wanted to talk. That will help put her hands on the steering wheel. You taking all the initiative may sound productive in the near-future, but I fear you will be reinforcing the things that will cause you the most problems.

 

I know man that the ideal would be her contacting me, but as she has not done it, (its been about 10 days since she contacted me) and knowing that she is one stubborn and proud lady i thought that calling her for a friendly meeting would not be that bad, also i have the excuse i told you about but if she has something to tell me abouth the things she talked me about, she is welcome. What do you think? Also bump for more contributors

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks lylat, but again, if she doesnt take initiative in say, 10 days, should i knock it off and ask her out for a friendly meeting?

 

No (10 characters).

[Dolphono]

if she doesnt take initiative in say, 10 days, should i knock it off and ask her out for a friendly meeting?

 

Reset the "10 days" clock, fall back and relax. Keep reseting the clock until you forget about the clock.

[iltoro]

Simon Phoenix and Dolphono, i think you guys are missing the point here. Thing is I WANT to GET BACK with this girl. If i wanted to ignore her it would have been very easy and it wouldnt need advice. So please guys if you want to help me do it, if you dont, please dont be a setback.