baby son

[billc90]

Hi guys

 

Me and my ex split up about a year or so ago after a 2 year relationship we have a child who is now a year old. not long after we split she found another guy who she is still with.

 

My problem is recently within the past 6 months my ex's boyfriend seems a bit too close to my baby son and she doesn't seem to be stepping in the way of him. She has told me in the past he doesn't act like his father but im starting to think otherwise. I've not seen or spoke to my ex for the past 3 months and soemtimes would accidently come across pictures of my son and her new boyfriend together online.

 

I love my son and i see him fairly regularly. 3-4 times a week infact, with regular overnights and i buy him stuff. what should i do about this should i ignore it? Is she trying to be manipulative?

 

thanks

[JJLA]

It's hard to know more from a forum post, but there are a few possibilities. Some guys will act fatherly as a means of getting in close with the mother. On the other hand, there may be real bonds of affection.

 

This is something we have to deal with in a blended family world. If this guy becomes a regular part of the ex's life, then he will become a part of your son's life as a quasi-parent. At the same time, any woman that becomes part of your life also becomes a quasi-parent to your son.

 

The most important thing is that you have regular and continuing contact with your son and continue to nurture your relationship with him.

 

Is there a formal custody order or has this custody arrangement been the product of informal agreement? If the former, then you have no worries. You are guaranteed your time with your son.

[pteromom]

You can't really do too much about it. If your ex and the bf end up getting married, the bf WILL be a step-father to your son.

 

The only thing in YOUR control is your relationship with your son. Make sure it is strong and consistent.

 

It is in your's and your son's best interest to view your ex (and her bf if he ends up staying in your ex's life) as co-allies in parenting your son, and not as enemies.

[JJLA]

pteromom is spot on. I would add this caveat, however... If either you or the ex start jumping in and out of relationships, this would be a problem. You do not want your son to have quasi-parents introduced and then go away in short order because that would lead to abandonment issues.

 

This goes for both her boyfriends and your girlfriends.

[pteromom]

pteromom is spot on. I would add this caveat, however... If either you or the ex start jumping in and out of relationships, this would be a problem. You do not want your son to have quasi-parents introduced and then go away in short order because that would lead to abandonment issues.

 

This goes for both her boyfriends and your girlfriends.

 

This is very true, but again, billc90 has NO control over what his ex does. So if she does end up jumping in and out of relationships, his responsibility is just to parent his son through it.

 

He can only control himself.

[billc90]

Thanks for the replies. I'll always will be in my sons life there is nothing in place, more an agreement between me and my ex of when i get to see him, it's a routine we have in place. I understand all that but sometimes i get a gut feeling it's to annoy me but i never bite, part of the reason i don't speak to anymore is that she has been manipulative in the past and i don't think shes changed which was why ia sked if there was a maliciousness involving my son towards me

[pteromom]

Thanks for the replies. I'll always will be in my sons life there is nothing in place, more an agreement between me and my ex of when i get to see him, it's a routine we have in place.

 

You need to legalize the agreement to protect yourself. Otherwise, she holds all the cards and can just change things on a whim. Making your custody agreement official will prevent her from being able to manipulate you or use your son as a bargaining tool.

[billc90]

pteromom thats very true but i'm hoping we can stay mature as we have been so that isn't needed but i know that may not always be the case down the line. I am more worried about when i meet someone to be honest.

[JJLA]

Just because you want to formalize the agreement does not mean going to court. There are many services that offer mediation to set schedules and you never have to see the inside of a courtroom (at least there are systems in california, YMMV).

 

Should it become a problem, that is an option. Often one of the biggest challenges of co-parenting a child is that one parent takes control of the schedule and dictate their desires to the other. Learn to recognize when this happens, but until then, if your system is working without strife, informal agreement is best for the child.

[billc90]

Thanks for that guys i am worriedthat she is trying for him or he is trying to take over from me.

 

She tags him in pictures of my son on facebook i don't understand why, i think its a bit unfair i wouldn't do that if i had a girlfriend out of respect, but i guess we aren't the same type of person

 

so whats your take on this?

[JJLA]

Well, as said earlier, new significant others become quasi-parents. Just remember that so long as you maintain regular and continuing contact with your son, you will not be replaced. Think of the guy as an addition rather than a substitution.