A willing bandaid for marriage

[AutumnMoon]

I thought maybe this happened a lot but people seem shocked by it?

 

My other person and I want to stay in our marriages and use the affair as a way to do that.. It might not make sense to everyone but its worked for us for a year.. For three years before that it was emotional and that helped a lot too but nothing like the last year.

 

What are your thoughts on this?

I'm well aware it's unlikely to last forever.

 

Do you see an affair as worse if the people never intend to divorce or confess? Or do you see it as worse to want the MW or MM to end a marriage? The whole, home wrecker thing?

[fanine]

I think any affair is bad because it involves cheating and lying and usually at least one person gets hurt down the road....

[Calcmag]

So I totally messed up through lack of understanding on your other thread, but this one I feel I know about the subject and can give input.

 

We started our affair in an attempt to save our marriages.

10+ years later, we are both divorced. My exH didn't move on after our divorce and tells me repeatedly that he still wants me back. exMOM's wife has moved on and seems to be happily married.

exMOM and I are not together, although we were for a while after we each divorced. I'm single now and am likely to be for a long time. Possibly forever.

 

The thing about using an affair to save a marriage is that no matter how much we try to deny it, the affair is damaging to the marriage even if it's never discovered. It really is.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I have no issue...as long as you tell the other spouses where you intend to get "medical attention".

 

Why the need to pretty up what is actually going on...using such helpful language as "a bandaid".

 

I wonder if your husband and his wife would feel thats all you both were doing?

 

What I don't get...is if this is how you believe you want to enrich your life...than go for it. What I don't get...is why you feel that the other spouses involved are not entitled to live their life by their moral code/standards/expectations/dreams.

 

From where I sit...I see people ROBBING other people of what little time they have on this planet...it is theft.

 

I also find it interesting..that for all that those who preach this value...they for some reason...don't want to give it to their spouse the same entitlements.

[JPMC]

As someone who was in an intense long term affair, I get it. Why not? Who are we hurting? We're happy, filling voids that are marriages don't provide.

 

So the answer is you can rationalize anything. Bandaid, sex addict, bisexual, husband's a homophobe, BW hates penetration and kissing. All valid reasons in your mind.

 

And you can love and be in love with two people. I agree and know that.

 

The issue is you are sneaking around. If you both had permission, have at it. But you don't. And that is where the potential danger is. Getting caught and the fallout. It's not healthy for marriage. You can say you can compartmentalize it, but, let's say the four of you are out to dinner. Where is your mnd? It's focused on your AP, which means you're robbing your husband.

 

Bandaids don't stick after awhile. Affairs don't either.

[JPMC]

So I totally messed up through lack of understanding on your other thread, but this one I feel I know about the subject and can give input.

 

We started our affair in an attempt to save our marriages.

10+ years later, we are both divorced. My exH didn't move on after our divorce and tells me repeatedly that he still wants me back. exMOM's wife has moved on and seems to be happily married.

exMOM and I are not together, although we were for a while after we each divorced. I'm single now and am likely to be for a long time. Possibly forever.

 

The thing about using an affair to save a marriage is that no matter how much we try to deny it, the affair is damaging to the marriage even if it's never discovered. It really is.

 

Why didn't it work out with you and the Ex MOM?

[Calcmag]

Why didn't it work out with you and the Ex MOM?

 

We had about 3 years together after we divorced. I realised that I didn't like who I was when I was with him. I liked myself better when we were apart. I still loved him though, and breaking it off was very difficult. But it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

[JPMC]

I've read some where that less than 1% of all affairs end up in successful long term relationships. I can definitely see that. Once reality sets in, pressures from family, children, finances etc. The thrill is gone and people regret that they went for the greener grass. Just curious.

[Calcmag]

I've read some where that less than 1% of all affairs end up in successful long term relationships. I can definitely see that. Once reality sets in, pressures from family, children, finances etc. The thrill is gone and people regret that they went for the greener grass. Just curious.

 

There may well be a strong basis for that stat. I spent around 10 years on various affair forums online, had friends who went through an affair on both sides (ie WS and BS), and I still don't know any AP's who've gone on to have a long term relationship. By long term I mean longer than 5 years.

What I have seen most often is that the APs will leave their primary R, but one tends to return to it.

I had no regrets about getting divorced, but perhaps that's because I didn't divorce in order to be with AP, I divorced because I couldn't stand to be married for one more minute. AP still being there after the D was just a bonus. For a while. Now I think I'm just a person who is happier being single.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Proct-her and Gambled Martial Band-Aid

 

Use will causing cuckholding in husbands, and will severely emasculate them.

 

Probable Side Affects:

 

Loss of self respect

Loss of primary relationship

Loss of respect from family and friends

Loss of home

 

 

Possible Side Affects:

 

Violence

Suicide

 

Do not use long-term.

[psm04]

I thought maybe this happened a lot but people seem shocked by it?

 

My other person and I want to stay in our marriages and use the affair as a way to do that.. It might not make sense to everyone but its worked for us for a year.. For three years before that it was emotional and that helped a lot too but nothing like the last year.

 

What are your thoughts on this?

I'm well aware it's unlikely to last forever.

 

Do you see an affair as worse if the people never intend to divorce or confess? Or do you see it as worse to want the MW or MM to end a marriage? The whole, home wrecker thing?

 

 

I think that my xmm and I both used each others as band aids in some ways. Neither one of us said we will leave. He said that he was stuck which I don't really believe. Anyway, the band aid concept stops working once the feelings become too intense. I mean, would you want to help the person you love and are in love with stay with someone else? I didn't. I couldn't stand the thought of me doing anything to help him be happy at home with his wife. It didn't make any sense. I loved him. I wasn't that nice and saintly of a person. I couldn't and still can't stand the thought of him and his wife. These are some of the many reasons that prompted me to walk away.

 

I think regardless of whether we want the AP to leave, or just supplement their marriage, it is still an A. Especially if the spouses don't agree with polyamory (spelling?)

 

I guess if you are OK with hearing him say that he wants to stay in his marriage and do what he is doing with you, then good for you. I hope you can continue keeping things under control emotionally.

[2sure]

Why not just discuss open marriage?? Living without being authentic to yourself is going to have negative results in the future for you personally. but forcing someone else, by omission to live their life without knowing its details....that's low. Its treating someone else as worthless , for no real reason.

[Speakingofwhich]

We had about 3 years together after we divorced. I realised that I didn't like who I was when I was with him. I liked myself better when we were apart. I still loved him though, and breaking it off was very difficult. But it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

 

Could you elaborate on this? You were different when you were with him after the A than when you weren't? How so? Were you the same person in the A with him as you were after the A with him? Not sure if this is t/j?

[HopingAgain]

Could you elaborate on this? You were different when you were with him after the A than when you weren't? How so? Were you the same person in the A with him as you were after the A with him? Not sure if this is t/j?

 

There may well be a strong basis for that stat. I spent around 10 years on various affair forums online, had friends who went through an affair on both sides (ie WS and BS), and I still don't know any AP's who've gone on to have a long term relationship. By long term I mean longer than 5 years.

What I have seen most often is that the APs will leave their primary R, but one tends to return to it.

I had no regrets about getting divorced, but perhaps that's because I didn't divorce in order to be with AP, I divorced because I couldn't stand to be married for one more minute. AP still being there after the D was just a bonus. For a while. Now I think I'm just a person who is happier being single.

 

 

There is definitely truth in it. It takes a lot of resilienece, patience, and effort to build a healthy relationship stemming from an affair. Many don't make it and are not wiling to do the work, hence the reason they sought out affairs in the first place in their initial relationships. My WH started as an exit affair on my part, and it has been 10 years and now we are reconciling from his affair. So situations like this are one contributor to why affairs turned marriages fizzle and burn out. We are making it through but are definitely the exception and not the rule.

[underwater2010]

I think it is worse due to the fact that both participants are married. Both know that the ultimate consequence is losing one or more of the family units.

 

MOW profess what great dads their husband is and how they would do anything for their kids to be happy. How is it that an affair makes that happen? How will they feel when their tiny world is blown to bits by a dday? Let alone chancing that the BH will tell the children why there is an imment divorce.

 

All of that applies to the MM/MOM too.

 

I think I could understand a little bit better if there where ILYs. At least they are risking everything for a reason.

[Calcmag]

Could you elaborate on this? You were different when you were with him after the A than when you weren't? How so? Were you the same person in the A with him as you were after the A with him? Not sure if this is t/j?

 

I'll try to keep it brief because I think it probably is a t/j. But there were lots of reasons.

Primarily, the divorce changed me. At the same time I lost my only surviving parent. Plus when we were both single I saw how we were together and we weren't good for one another. But I didn't leave the marriage to be with him.

[blue963]

Emotions will eventually get too strong. I think the woman will suffer more because they get more tied up emotionally in the physical actions of the relationship. Been there, done that, and dealing with the hurt.

[bentleychic]

There may well be a strong basis for that stat. I spent around 10 years on various affair forums online, had friends who went through an affair on both sides (ie WS and BS), and I still don't know any AP's who've gone on to have a long term relationship. By long term I mean longer than 5 years.

I know a couple. My mother has been married to the man she left my dad for going on almost 20 years now. (I don't remember exactly how many years, to be honest so forgive me for not being specific.)