Fell for friend with benefits and lost him

[gemini119]

I had been friends with benefits (FWB) with a guy for over three years. Over this time, I developed strong feelings for him. I am in my mid 20's and he is in his early 30's. We live 150 miles apart but managed to make time for each other and meet half way. We talked on a daily basis. I know he has some sort of feelings for me as well because not only has he told me, but he has showed me he cares by some of the things he has done. I confessed to him multiple times that I had feelings and he said that due to our distance, nothing will ever evolve. Since he rejected me every single time, I finally got the point and started seeing other people. I met someone who I was interested in and began to date him a few months, however, I never told my FWB. I was starting to really like the second guy, however, it turned this whole time he had another girlfriend and he got caught and the girl reached out to me and told me. This guy confessed and it was done. I never saw him again. This whole time I still talked to my FWB and still arranged to see him half way and spend time with him.

 

I went to go get an annual checkup with my doctor and it turned out I had been infected with chlamydia. I did the right thing, despite of the difficulty, and told the two men I had been with to get checked. Actually I didn't tell my FWB the entire truth. I told him it was a UTI and my partner may have the same bacteria and I gave him the pills the doctor gave me for him. He was skeptical and researched the pills and found out they were for something else. Not only was he mad I lied to him, but that I never told him I was dating other people. Made a huge deal, said this whole time he has never been with anyone else other than me and went on to say things that really hurt me and made me feel terrible and guilty. I begged him for forgiveness and he just ignored me. I even reached out to him on his birthday, sent him arrangements to work, and I didn't even get a thank you. I erased his number and stopped contacting him. It's been 3 months and still no signs from him. The reason why I started seeing and casually other people was to find someone else to care for and take my head off him. Was I wrong? Was this my karma? In my head, I was single and had the right too. I know he cares for me and he showed it to me in many ways but could this really be over? I can't help but to think about him all day every day, I miss him terribly, I have tried meeting new people, but can't help that I still have strong feelings for my FWB. I know he is very prideful and hard headed but I am willing to find a way to reach out to him, I'm just not sure if I should? I'm just afraid of the rejection again.

[Leigh 87]

You did the right thing; seeing other people is exactly what you should have been doing. While this FWB obviously cared for you, he had NO right to expect you to close of your other options.

 

The thing is, this guy should have been considerate enough to want you to be happy with the right guy; knowing that HE did not want a relationship with you, if he was a decent guy, if should have wanted you to find a guy who DID want to be with you.

 

You actually do not owe him an apology. It was wrong of him to tell you that he did NOT want to be with you (after you made it very clear that you had feelings for him), and then expect you to knock other guys back who DID want to be with you!

 

Please stop feeling bad. You did nothing wrong.

 

I understand how it feels crappy to lose a guy you had strong feelings for. But now you're being irrational and blaming yourself for everything.

 

It is natural for women to feel angry at themselves when these things happen - when a guy pulls this on them! After all, if a guy you care for turns things around on you and plays the " you hurt my feelings" card, then of course you will feel bad for having "hurt" him.

 

Just try to see the situation for what it is; a guy who TOLD YOU that he did not want to be with you in a relationship, and yet expected you to be loyal to him. It is utterly ridiculous, his expectations of you. You should stop feeling bad that he claimed to be hurt over it all.

[gemini119]

Thank you very much for your feedback! At first I felt crappy and was very upset with myself. Now I look back, and it still hurts but I don't feel guilty anymore. I had asked him, even begged him to leave me alone if he didn't see potential feelings developing for me and he would leave me alone for a week and then come around again. I had some hope that perhaps he did have feelings for me but was maybe afraid...At the end, he had the nerve to tell me that since he made it clear that he did not want a relationship, and I chose to stay there's no one to blame but myself. I do feel guilty for sticking around after he had made his point clear, but at the same time, I feel like he mislead me and sent mixed signals. And that story he gave me about not being with anybody else during that time, I don't buy it! Can a man in his early thirties not see/talk/date anybody else for 3 years and exclusively only "be" with his FWB, however refuses to give her a relationship? I am trying to move on and see other people, but I miss him more every day! It's like the time apart is watering the growth of my feelings towards him and I don't know what to do!

[Moe'sTavern]

Thank you very much for your feedback! At first I felt crappy and was very upset with myself. Now I look back, and it still hurts but I don't feel guilty anymore. I had asked him, even begged him to leave me alone if he didn't see potential feelings developing for me and he would leave me alone for a week and then come around again. I had some hope that perhaps he did have feelings for me but was maybe afraid...At the end, he had the nerve to tell me that since he made it clear that he did not want a relationship, and I chose to stay there's no one to blame but myself. I do feel guilty for sticking around after he had made his point clear, but at the same time, I feel like he mislead me and sent mixed signals. And that story he gave me about not being with anybody else during that time, I don't buy it! Can a man in his early thirties not see/talk/date anybody else for 3 years and exclusively only "be" with his FWB, however refuses to give her a relationship? I am trying to move on and see other people, but I miss him more every day! It's like the time apart is watering the growth of my feelings towards him and I don't know what to do!

You should probably spend some time alone to give your self time to get over him. Then at some point when you are somewhat happier and more collected, go out into the dating scene again. Just my 2 cents.

[StrongLass]

That's the tricky thing about FWB, at least one person seems to ALWAYS want something more despite whatever you both agreed to in the beginning

 

Take some time (as much as you please) to yourself so that you can heal. If your ex FWB tries to come back into your life at any point inform him that he's an asswagon that should get lost.

 

Start dating NEW people when you're ready and avoid FWB situations all together in the future since for you they're obviously way more trouble than they're worth.

[veggirl]

were you having unprotected sex with both of them?!

 

why are you so worried about losing someone who didn't want to be with your properly anyway? its a blessing in disguise, this guy was never gonna give you more than fwb but you'd have held on in hopes he did.

 

btw, secretly dating 2 guys at once is really jacked up. at least be up front about it and not sneaky!

[missdm]

This guy was totally manipulating you. If he truely had feelings for you, he would have been with you. As for him being with other people, well, you only have his word on that. Take time to get over him and then find someone who doesn't want his cake & to eat it too.