Retroactive Jealousy? **LONG STORY**

[Doppel]

Hi there.

This is my first Thread Post, so bear with me.

 

I first stumbled upon this site when surfing Google, searching for ways to control my jealousy. Here, I discovered something called "Retroactive Jealousy" , I didn't even know what that was/is. I'm not sure if I have it, but I know that my jealousy is getting extreme now, and I have to do something about it.

 

It stems all the way back from my childhood, certain things I do not wish to discuss, but basically, my biggest fear ever is abandonment. My Father, who was an A-hole, left my Mother and our family in the worst possible condition. I had to grow up quickly to take care of my siblings since I was the oldest and I also had to help my Mother. Soon after that, my Mother also left us, back and forth all to go be with my Father. As I grew older into an adult, my Mother decided to permanently take off to be with my Father. By the way, when my Father left us, we (we, meaning me and my siblings) never knew where he lived or even saw him again. The only reason my Mother ever even came back to us was because my Father no longer "wanted" her.

 

Anyway, I had a friend/girlfriend while I was going through most of that. My ex girlfriend. She was my friend for 8-9 years, and eventually we got together. The only problem is , she cheated on me countless times and I did not know about it until years down the line when I was hook and sink for her. I broke it off with her, she begged me and told me it was long ago (which later I found out it wasn't) and I forgave her, took her back. From then on, she told ME that it was MY fault, because I LOOKED at "skinny girls" on television or on the streets, and things got really bad to the point where we stopped having sex because she would always stop in the middle of it and ask me if I was thinking of another woman or a celebrity. I believed her, that it was my fault, and so I did everything she wanted me to do (yes, idiot, I know) because I didn't want her to feel bad about herself or lose her. So, I was told to keep my head down as we walked the streets, not to watch movies with nudity or sex scenes in them, not to listen to songs with girls in them or anything to do with females. I did all she asked and demanded of me, but there came a point where I couldn't take it anymore, she even started accusing me of having a thing for men (I'm entirely heterosexual), so this one night we had a huge fight, she went out to a party, got drunk and ****ed one of her friends. And yes, I took her back after that , after we broke up for three days (IDIOT). So, then her Mother ended up passing away in a car accident, I was there for her and tried my best, but she started saying things like she didn't know if she loves me because she's numb and I put it down to her grieving (this was after around 6-7 months of her Mother passing). She decided that she would go out partying it up without letting me know, I also put this down to grieving UNTIL I saw the pictures of her and these guys on FB. I confronted her, she acted like she didn't care and basically told me if _ I _ want her, then I will have to deal with her partying. I told her that she can either have partying or me, and she decided to ignore that and basically ignore me for months. I tried to contact her, begged her to stop trying to destroy herself, I really believed she was just grieving, when she wasn't. It was just her.. the way she was. It's what she does and did.

 

I am completely over her now, It's been a little over two years and I found the most GORGEOUS woman of my dreams. She has never been unfaithful to me, she is exactly like me in most ways. But now.... every time I see her talking to ANY guy, friend or stranger, I think she's going to run off with him and I always doubt her. I'm terrified of losing her, of her cheating on me and leaving me. She's never gave me any reason to doubt her, NONE. And my jealousy is getting out of control.

 

So.. How am I suppose to stop this?

[giblesp]

You've had a bit of a rough ride. Alot of the insecurity I've faced is due to my owm messed up family history.

The first step is probably to recognize that its coming from you and not your GF. If she's trustworthy, then its the movies inside your head. Try not to react to these feelings and make a drama out of it.

When we have bad experiences in childhood and relationships as adults, it can be a shock to the system and takes a while to get over.

Having a gorgeous GF you can trust is a real positive thing and reflects that the bad times are now in the past.

[Doppel]

 

Dude you were a total doormat. Now you're who knows. Is your new girl friends with guys? I only date girls who have good boundaries like no flirting with guys or hanging out with them. A guy friend should be some one they know and are friendly with under very minimal circumstances. No texting or calling each other. No hanging out.

 

I was a doormat, but I learned from it massively. I dated women after it but we were never official, I would notice some signs from those women like I did with my ex, I stayed clear from women with kids because they had their childs father around, and I told myself never to date a woman who is friends with her ex.

 

My girlfriend ditched her friends as soon as we got together, as did I, we didn't ask each other to, we just stopped hanging out with them. She NEVER flirts, not her style (nor is it mine which is why I said she is very similar to me). She calls me her "soul mate" and her "husband" despite the fact we aren't married or engaged. She's 100% faithful in every way. The only problem is her job, she owns a company and she HAS to speak with these guys (some are friends) about business. She gets a lot of men hitting on her, when I am there, I tell them to back off or she tells them "That's my boyfriend right over there", when I am not there, she comes home to tell me her day and will throw it in there that someone hit on her and she tells me she says something like "I'm married". But still, sometimes I doubt her, sometimes I wonder if that really is what happened. It's stupid and I know it's all in my head, but it still is there and it still fills my head with BS. I am terrible at controlling it.

[travelonic]

IMO, anyone who uses the word "jealousy" to describe being nervous when the other person in a relationship is flirting with someone outside the relationship - or situations like that [as opposed to previous examples mentioned in this thread by other repliers], obviously doesn't know what the word means, and I'd take their word with a gain of salt/suggest they consult a dictionary.

[giblesp]

I was a doormat, but I learned from it massively. I dated women after it but we were never official, I would notice some signs from those women like I did with my ex, I stayed clear from women with kids because they had their childs father around, and I told myself never to date a woman who is friends with her ex.

 

My girlfriend ditched her friends as soon as we got together, as did I, we didn't ask each other to, we just stopped hanging out with them. She NEVER flirts, not her style (nor is it mine which is why I said she is very similar to me). She calls me her "soul mate" and her "husband" despite the fact we aren't married or engaged. She's 100% faithful in every way. The only problem is her job, she owns a company and she HAS to speak with these guys (some are friends) about business. She gets a lot of men hitting on her, when I am there, I tell them to back off or she tells them "That's my boyfriend right over there", when I am not there, she comes home to tell me her day and will throw it in there that someone hit on her and she tells me she says something like "I'm married". But still, sometimes I doubt her, sometimes I wonder if that really is what happened. It's stupid and I know it's all in my head, but it still is there and it still fills my head with BS. I am terrible at controlling it.

 

Its ok for you to have friends man, its healthy for your relationship. Desperate men hitting on your woman can be challenging, but they are that, desperate. I usually laugh when it happens, because they are being totally sad cases. They walk around with their dicks on their foreheads, and secretly wonder why they are so empty. I trust my woman to handle it, if she needs help then she'll let me know.

 

Men are always hitting on her, I'm sure girls are looking at you as well. So what? You're both taken and in love with each other. A friend will be that rare person who doesn't want anything from you or from her, and respects that you and her are taken. I find on the whole that women are actually more respectful of the fact that I am taken and am not available. More pride basically. That's why most of my friends at work are women I guess.

 

A broken home teaches a child that love is not enough, that love is not trustworthy. So when the child grows up he associates love with pain and betrayal, and life tends to reflect how we feel. It takes more of a leap of faith to trust.

I took that leap of faith in my last relationship, and found my ex in bed with another man. More stuff happened like that with other women for a while. But I've taken a leap of faith with my GF now, because she's very special and I love her.

It's all about being in the present, saying no to the demons of the past and recognizing that you deserve more than what you got.

Finding work and/or a goal that you truly love helps greatly, that's been the turning point for me.

Lots more work to do though

[Mint Sauce]

would actually being married provide some reassurance? Sounds like she's ready for it.

 

Proposing used to equal "taking her off the market". If she's the one, perhaps you need to take her off the market?

 

But tell her about this insecurity, without pestering her with it.

 

I was cheated on by my ex. I find that in every step in further attachment with my new gf, I experience some anxiety like you describe, but it is slowly replaced with a reassuring certainty that my new gf is faithful.

[jimmytwowheels]

Hi there

 

I was cheated on in two relationships when I was younger. One time I nearly ended up in jail for aggravated assault (on the OM), that one ended quickly. The other one, I forgave, then she did it again, which I forgave, then again...you get the picture!

 

Basically I quickly became aware that I suffered from serious trust issues. I wouldn't use the word jealousy, because jealousy can be a very healthy feeling. What I had was not healthy.

 

It's telling on your male psyche to be cheated on. It seriously undermines your self confidence. But confidence is what you need. A doormat will be cheated on more often then not. You need to see yourself as the prize. And then the woman will too.

 

In my current relationship, I told my gf right away, listen, I have trust issues. We had been together for a week and she went to a party with me. I didn't see her all night at the party and she was wandering around chatting with everyone - girls guys etc. I became belligerently drunk, and ended up choking a guy out lol. We had a long discussion after that, and the relationship made it though. She got that I needed some sensitivity, and over time that sensitivity in me has faded. She can tell me that a guy was hitting on her while she was at work, and I'll just laugh, because I know she's coming home to me anyways. She's always honest and very quickly mentions that she has a boyfriend when approached by other guys.

 

I have a ton of stories about how we dealt with these boundaries, but the point is, you can fix this. If she loves you she will be careful and keep you informed, and over time you can grow out of the trust issue. Just be careful that you don't push her away, and all will be well.

 

Cheers!

[IAmRobot]

Hi there.

This is my first Thread Post, so bear with me.

 

I first stumbled upon this site when surfing Google, searching for ways to control my jealousy. Here, I discovered something called "Retroactive Jealousy" , I didn't even know what that was/is. I'm not sure if I have it, but I know that my jealousy is getting extreme now, and I have to do something about it.

 

It stems all the way back from my childhood, certain things I do not wish to discuss, but basically, my biggest fear ever is abandonment. My Father, who was an A-hole, left my Mother and our family in the worst possible condition. I had to grow up quickly to take care of my siblings since I was the oldest and I also had to help my Mother. Soon after that, my Mother also left us, back and forth all to go be with my Father. As I grew older into an adult, my Mother decided to permanently take off to be with my Father. By the way, when my Father left us, we (we, meaning me and my siblings) never knew where he lived or even saw him again. The only reason my Mother ever even came back to us was because my Father no longer "wanted" her.

 

Anyway, I had a friend/girlfriend while I was going through most of that. My ex girlfriend. She was my friend for 8-9 years, and eventually we got together. The only problem is , she cheated on me countless times and I did not know about it until years down the line when I was hook and sink for her. I broke it off with her, she begged me and told me it was long ago (which later I found out it wasn't) and I forgave her, took her back. From then on, she told ME that it was MY fault, because I LOOKED at "skinny girls" on television or on the streets, and things got really bad to the point where we stopped having sex because she would always stop in the middle of it and ask me if I was thinking of another woman or a celebrity. I believed her, that it was my fault, and so I did everything she wanted me to do (yes, idiot, I know) because I didn't want her to feel bad about herself or lose her. So, I was told to keep my head down as we walked the streets, not to watch movies with nudity or sex scenes in them, not to listen to songs with girls in them or anything to do with females. I did all she asked and demanded of me, but there came a point where I couldn't take it anymore, she even started accusing me of having a thing for men (I'm entirely heterosexual), so this one night we had a huge fight, she went out to a party, got drunk and ****ed one of her friends. And yes, I took her back after that , after we broke up for three days (IDIOT). So, then her Mother ended up passing away in a car accident, I was there for her and tried my best, but she started saying things like she didn't know if she loves me because she's numb and I put it down to her grieving (this was after around 6-7 months of her Mother passing). She decided that she would go out partying it up without letting me know, I also put this down to grieving UNTIL I saw the pictures of her and these guys on FB. I confronted her, she acted like she didn't care and basically told me if _ I _ want her, then I will have to deal with her partying. I told her that she can either have partying or me, and she decided to ignore that and basically ignore me for months. I tried to contact her, begged her to stop trying to destroy herself, I really believed she was just grieving, when she wasn't. It was just her.. the way she was. It's what she does and did.

 

I am completely over her now, It's been a little over two years and I found the most GORGEOUS woman of my dreams. She has never been unfaithful to me, she is exactly like me in most ways. But now.... every time I see her talking to ANY guy, friend or stranger, I think she's going to run off with him and I always doubt her. I'm terrified of losing her, of her cheating on me and leaving me. She's never gave me any reason to doubt her, NONE. And my jealousy is getting out of control.

 

So.. How am I suppose to stop this?

 

Well you've done the first (big) step, which is to recognize and admit your insecurities. So kudos for that.

 

You sound like a great guy. How long have you been with your new girl.

If it's been a bit (i.e. you're past the stage of "just dating"), you should definitely tell her exactly what you wrote here. That will bring you so much closer together and believe girls (and people in general) always look good at people who've had a tough ride and yet were able to bounce back stronger .

 

Share all these insecurities with her. And remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so once again kudos to you for being this strong and recognizing your weaknesses.

 

So once again, tell her about it in the same way you did here, where you don't expect her to change her behavior to please you, however her knowing your situation might help the both of you.

 

And with time, you will get more healed and you will gain more trust in your new 'girl of your dreams'.

[Phantom888]

This IS NOT Retroactive Jealousy. You are not jealous over your woman's past. You have every reason to feel insecure and afraid because of your past experiences with an ex-GF. Don't confuse your situation with retroactive jealousy because they are entirely different, and requires different treatment methods.

[travelonic]

This IS NOT Retroactive Jealousy. You are not jealous over your woman's past. You have every reason to feel insecure and afraid because of your past experiences with an ex-GF. Don't confuse your situation with retroactive jealousy because they are entirely dforum, needs to consult a goddammed dictionary. :Pifferent, and requires different treatment methods.

 

Which goes back to IMO, the idea that those perpetuating the idea that the above IS retroactive jealousy, and confusing the OP of a thread like this on any forum as a result, should really be consulting a dictionary instead of confusing said people(s).

[jonward]

I almost killed myself in anguish over my girlfriend's sexual partners. This guide helped me a ton.

http://www.pdf-archive.com/2013/10/05/slaying-the-dragon-partner-s-past/slaying-the-dragon-partner-s-past.pdf