guest Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 i go back and forth constantly as to whether i want to marry my boyfriend. i recognize that hes a great guy, smart, financially secure, trustworthy, and i want to spend all my time with him. but in contrast i know that i am not head over heels in love, dont feel that he's "the one". are these last things important? i read so many posts from people who said they felt that passion before and now its faded, or they feel that passion for a married person, or they feel it for an abusive partner or someone who ...basically doesnt have all the great qualities my bf has. and it makes me wonder if this is important to building a life together. is knowing the person will be there always and you can have a great future together enough? did everyone feel like they were marrying their one and only when they got married? and if so do you have problems now? i sometimes feel that it's a type of person who feels that way, and that they feel this soul mate thing because they want to feel it, need to feel it. i mean lots of people say they're with their soul mate and then a month later they're with a new soul mate. so to you married people, what do you find is most important in keeping your marriage happy? or is there something specific that you dont have that is stopping you from being happy? i just wish i could get married with complete confidence but all the movies/tv, everything i see about these perfect relationships makes me quesiton mine. basically, i know i can love stronger then i do for my bf but i dont know that stronger love makes it work. Link to post Share on other sites
the_Analyzer Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 communication, trust, honesty, shared responsiblity. Link to post Share on other sites
butterflygrl Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 i totally agree with analyzer those are the important factors in any marriage....communication is the major thing speaking from expierence if you don't have that it will be a hard to get along.. i don't have that with my h and i really wish we did.. he don't communicate with me unless i bring up some issue then it turns into a argument because he gets mad because he thinks im trying to be his mom..sometimes i think i wouldn't do it over again if i had too.. i love my h but sometimes being single seems so much easier to do.. less of a headache.. i want my h to be able to confide in me and that seems to be a problem at times.. hope this helps Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 How long have you been together? Those things you mentioned ARE important -- if you have doubts about him being the one, then don't marry him. You also said you thought you could love him more or stronger than you do now. Maybe that love will grow. Maybe he IS the one and you just haven't reached that point yet. People don't fall in love at the same pace. Give it some time. If he asked you to marry him already just tell him you are not sure and you want to continue the relationship as is for a while -- that is fair to both of you. Saying No to a proposal doesn't mean it has to be a break-up. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 Please see <URL removed> for a GREAT explanation of what brings couples together and what keeps them happy together. It's important not to get snowed by cultural myths of "movie love", "One and Only", "solemate", etc. As you point out, these concepts have lots most of the meaning they once had...if they ever had any, which I doubt. There is NO such thing as the "one" person for you. There are many thousands of men with whom you could have a fulfilling and lasting marriage. For me, it is important to have two broad categories of quality: 1) The practical stuff: is he responsible, honest, trustworthy, solvent? Fair, reasonable, willing to work together? Does he want the same kind of life you do? (city/country, kids/no kids, travel/homebody, workaholic/enjoy life, etc.) 2) The fluffy stuff: Does he make your heart go pitter pat? When you see him, do you feel excited and happy? Does you have an urge to kiss and hug him when he smiles at you? Does your heart sing when you share your expressions of love in whatever way you both choose? Go for at least a B+ in both categories. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 thank you for all your replies, you have been very helpful. yes, my relationship definately has all of those things that analyzer mentioned, for sure. and also the two catagories that you mentioned solemate, we're good on those too. that's funny that you say dont get hung up on the "soulmate" thing but your name is solemate. hokeyreligions, we've been together 6 years, quite awhile. and no, he hasnt asked me to marry him but that's only because i told him not to. he's ready when i am. i dont think my doubts will ever go away but maybe that's just the type of person i am, i second guess everything and always want more. insatiable. i recognize the concept of "the one" would pretty much set everyone in the world up for failure if it was true so logically i dont think it's true, but so many people say it that i feel SOMEONE must be telling the truth! hokeyreligions, ive read posts of yours before and i know you've had troubles in your marriage, did you feel complete confidence when you got married? and butterflygrl, you seem unhappy now but were you confident at the time of marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
CraigC Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 It's important not to get snowed by cultural myths of "movie love", "One and Only", "solemate", etc. As you point out, these concepts have lots most of the meaning they once had...if they ever had any, which I doubt. There is NO such thing as the "one" person for you. There are many thousands of men with whom you could have a fulfilling and lasting marriage.I've been struggling with something like this for a long time, and your above just may give me some insight. But I'm not there yet and so can't grasp it. My problem is that if there are thousands possibilities to have such fulfilling capability for each of us, and at that it can be lasting, why aren't they then our "one and only"s? And furthermore, why shouldn't we expect it? Myself, I certainly thought my wife was in love with me, and that we could proceed together sharing, etc. and especially growing together. But I was quite wrong. Is that movie love? I mean, I would not have thought it wouldn't work. I'm so sad, and I'm 1/2 looking for some thoughts not so much why my beliefs were wrong, but to give me some sort of peace of mind and of hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Kristine Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 If you aren't "in love" please don't make the mistake I did and marry this otherwise wonderful guy. There is an equally wonderful guy out there that you will love as much as he loves you. I know because I've bumped into a couple of those guys and I used to think I could grow to love this otherwise wonderful guy. I've sinced learned that love is there or it's not. You can't force love no matter how much you wish you could, believe me I've tried. I've stuck with my vows but now my marriage is going through a very tough time. I'm really struggling with the desire to leave for love or stay for the child we share. My house is not the loving home I envisioned with this wonderful guy I thought I could grow to love. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyNLove Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 I don't know if this will help much, but I'll tell you my story and how I knew when I was "IN LOVE". Well let me start by saying I've been married three times, not a good record I know, but I have to say that I'd do it all again to get where I am now. You see the first time I was pregnant and thought I was "in love", the second time I found a man who was good to my kids had a great job and seemed to love me to death, so I did what I thought would be good for my kids. Needless to say both of those didn't last, I just didn't have that feeling, you know, that I can't live without you feeling, like I needed something more. Then I met the man I'm married to now. When I first met him, yeah I thought he was attractive, but didn't think he was my type. I thought he was a player and really wouldn't give him the time of day. But we seemed to keep running into each other, and would talk mostly among other people. And something just drew us together, we weren't lookin for it, we didn't mean for it to happen. But I was in love with him before he ever touched me in anyway. Alot of people can try to explain what love feels like, but you won't understand untill you feel it yourself, and when you do you'll know. For me, it feels complete. I feel as if I've know him forever. We can talk about anything, he's not only my husband, or my lover, or my partner in raising my children. Is my very best friend. And I can't and wouldn't want to imagine my life without him. So you may marry someone thinking that you'll be happy because they have all the qualities your looking for, but if you don't have that feeling, that feeling that's still there even when your mad, or you think you hate them. When you truely love someone that feelings ALWAYS there no matter what they've done. True love doesn't go away, and it doesn't fade. You will have arguments and you won't be happy all the time, but if you truely love him, you always love him. I truely hope you find what your looking for. Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 lord..that is really not what i wanted to hear. but thank you for your honest replies. i liked the first couple that encouraged me to stay in this relationship much better. i really dont want to break up with my boyfriend but i do fear that this feeling that everything isnt quite right will never go away. i honestly dont know if i'll have the strength to do it but everytime i hear someone say "you'll just know", i know i dont just know and that scares me. the thing that gets me is for example, ladynlove, the first time you were married you felt you were in love, and now you see you werent. who's to say that 5 years from now you wont say the same thing about your current relationship? im of course not trying to be confrontational, i just dont understand. if that is the case and you did feel it was perfect and wonderful before and had no doubts, how is one EVER to know?? i understand that with your second marriage that wasnt the case but with your first you felt that it was right. of course hindsight is 20/20 so now you think you werent, but who knows what the future holds. of course i know there are other men out there and i've run into some i felt a connection with some, but i know there is always an initial attraction and then reality sets in and they have problems too. and there are countless people who feel totally confident in their relationship but they're with jerks! they are mean or cheaters or not helpful. but i see what you last two ladies are saying, why make a life commitment when you're not totally confident. im just sick of being in limbo, not wanting to do one thing or the other. but thank you all for your replies. Link to post Share on other sites
Texasmouth Posted November 20, 2004 Share Posted November 20, 2004 I can say one thing about marriage, the things that you dislike about your SO will multiply and the things you like will subtract. Make sure the balance still stays on the favorable side after that. There are times when I can't stand the way my wife sneezes! I hear it and I just think geeez that is annoying but then there are times when I look at her, like when she is holding our daughter and I can't think of life without her. Make sure that is the way you feel. Marriage is 90% work and 10% fun and then you have to balance that 50/50 with two people. Now that is a hard math problem! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 Craig - did you check out the link I posted? It should have some answers for you. Go ahead, click on it and check it out. Come back when you have been through the whole site. Here it is again: <URL removed> Link to post Share on other sites
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