queenrage Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) I have been looking for some way to be sure I am either making the right decision, or the worst decision of my life. I keep wishing there were a hand book for things like this. Anyways, I have been dating my boyfriend, Mike, for over a year now. We have been on and off (we're both aquarius', known to be stubborn and hard headed) for basically our entire relationship. I recently found out through facebook, that he cheated on me while he was on a business trip to Miami. When I asked him about it, he said he just kissed someone else. I was still furious, given we had just gotten back together... But decided we could move forward (he seemed very apologetic at the time, but now I'm thinking it was all an act so I wouldn't leave him.) Now, 2 months after finding out about the whole Miami ordeal, he admits to having sex with that girl, not just 'a kiss'. This has completely turned my world upside down, I am not sure I can trust him... Considering I was already testing my trust already after finding out he had only KISSED her. Now... the truth decides to come to light. After all the times I told him to be completely honest and just be straight up and tell me the entire truth, he says he couldn't do that because I would have left him... I found that to be extremely selfish , just like his actions that night in Miami, who was a random he found at a club. Completely disgusts me. Long story short, I feel like I am harboring hatred or resentment towards him and I am constantly looking for a way to put him further into his doghouse. Do I take him back or move forward before I go (more) bat**** crazy than I am already!? Edited September 5, 2013 by queenrage Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Why would you stay with him? He's selfish, a liar, and cheated on you. What are you gaining from this relationship? If your best friend said to you, exactly what you wrote above, what would you tell her to do? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenrage Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 She said the exact same thing, hates his guts for everything he's done to me. But he swears he's going to change... And for a while there I thought he could have, but after telling me he had sex with this other girl, he doesn't even seem to show any remorse... Like, him telling me he kissed her and me punishing him for that was enough. He makes me feel like the crazy one for acting the way I have... Getting upset over the little ****, bitching at him, the silent treatment etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Well he's a manipulator as well. Again, why are you staying with him. Why would his "I'm going to change" words be any more believable than any of the other lies he has told? Link to post Share on other sites
jimmytwowheels Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 At one year in, you shouldn't have to even think about this. Dump his ass. You'll recover just fine. Of course he did what people here say cheaters do - they minimize. It was just a kiss. Which by the way is ridiculous. He isn't in grade 4. Move on. He's a liar and a cheat, and you can definitely find a man that'll treat you better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenrage Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 Always has manipulated me... He's very good with words, and does a great job at making me feel bad or playing the victim, even when he's the one at fault. I know what I feel and I know what's right but my heart wants to stay and the logical part in me is SCREAMING at me to just leave. I am weak, and I am an idiot.. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 I am weak, and I am an idiot.. If you feel that way, then change it. Take control of your life and your own happiness. You needn't rely on anyone for happiness in this world. Only by finding that happiness alone can you truly be the best partner, and find the best person, for yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 I mean your R has been "off and on" and dramatic for the whole year, not sure why you want to keep that up ????? have you ever been in a healthy, normal relationship? or is this what you think is normal? cheating and drama? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenrage Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 The only other relationships I have had have been while I was still in high school, so yes... Apparently this is the ''norm' for me. I've actually never asked myself that question, so thank you for the enlightenment. Makes this decision much easier.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenrage Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 So how do I go about leaving him? He thinks everything is fine, that I'm getting over it... Cuz he gets so seemingly annoyed and frustrated anytime I want to talk about it. We live together and I'm picking up his daughter from school today... I don't want her around when I do this. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 You tell him "I'm unhappy with this relationship. You cheated on me and lied to me, and I deserve to be treated better. I wish you the best in the future.". Then you leave. Speak camly and firmly, then let your actions speak as you walk away. Do not engage him in a fight as you know he is a manipulator and will try to turn this around on you. You're not happy with him or the relationship, and that's all that matters. After this do not contact him, heal up, move on, and in time you will find someone who treats both you and your relationship well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenrage Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 Thank you so much. This is going to be hard even though I am not happy anymore. I think about the old times when we would get along so well... But then again, he had been hiding the fact that he slept with a random girl from a club in Miami from me for a long time... And had no intention of telling me. He knows he can get away with it now and that bothers me.... It makes the trust issue so much worse. Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 You tell him "I'm unhappy with this relationship. You cheated on me and lied to me, and I deserve to be treated better. I wish you the best in the future.". Then you leave. Speak camly and firmly, then let your actions speak as you walk away. Do not engage him in a fight as you know he is a manipulator and will try to turn this around on you. You're not happy with him or the relationship, and that's all that matters. After this do not contact him, heal up, move on, and in time you will find someone who treats both you and your relationship well. ^^ Follow this advice. The guy is a cheater. He doesn't respect you. If someone loves you, they don't cheat on you. Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Thank you so much. This is going to be hard even though I am not happy anymore. I think about the old times when we would get along so well... But then again, he had been hiding the fact that he slept with a random girl from a club in Miami from me for a long time... And had no intention of telling me. He knows he can get away with it now and that bothers me.... It makes the trust issue so much worse. Walking away can be the hardest thing to do. In time, you will realize it was the best decision you ever made. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenrage Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 His daughter will be there. And he will flip out on me... I know it won't be pretty, as calm as I will be, he will cry and beg and plead like he did the night I found out about it all. Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 His daughter will be there. And he will flip out on me... I know it won't be pretty, as calm as I will be, he will cry and beg and plead like he did the night I found out about it all. When he cries and pleads, just remember: he did it to himself. He chose to cheat on you. Walk away knowing he screwed up - not you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenrage Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 I've been wanting to leave ever since he told me (about 2 weeks ago) but I wanted to work it out. Now all I can think of when I look at him is him ****ing that other girl... That's how I know this can't be resolved. It's so easy to say now but when I see him.. I know I'll just break down even though I know it's not my fault. He says he cheated because we were fighting so much... Like what a lame excuse for an excuse? Everything points to me leaving but somehow I find myself easily sucked back into believing he couldn't do that to me again. Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 I've been wanting to leave ever since he told me (about 2 weeks ago) but I wanted to work it out. Now all I can think of when I look at him is him ****ing that other girl... That's how I know this can't be resolved. It's so easy to say now but when I see him.. I know I'll just break down even though I know it's not my fault. He says he cheated because we were fighting so much... Like what a lame excuse for an excuse? Everything points to me leaving but somehow I find myself easily sucked back into believing he couldn't do that to me again. Got to be strong and let him go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 It was HIS choice to slide that baloney pony into someone else's stable. His tears are not your problem. He clearly didn't think about the tears he'd cause you while he was slamming some random woman. Hand him a tissue and his mommy's phone number, and walk out that door. Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenrage Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 He didnt think I'd ever find out. So obviously he wasn't thinking about me at all... I looked back at the messages too to see if I was blind about how he was acting and I was... He was so so mad at me for not sending him a picture of myself that night... Yet he had his dick in some random slut. And I knew... He even came home early from the trip with flowers and... Scratches all over his back and he played it off so well (the manipulator in him) Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 He didnt think I'd ever find out. So obviously he wasn't thinking about me at all... I looked back at the messages too to see if I was blind about how he was acting and I was... He was so so mad at me for not sending him a picture of myself that night... Yet he had his dick in some random slut. And I knew... He even came home early from the trip with flowers and... Scratches all over his back and he played it off so well (the manipulator in him) Say what? How did he explain that?! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 If you think this was a one time thing your crazy. Clearly he can sell you anything. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenrage Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 About the scratches, he said they were all by the pool and he pushed someone in and she scratched him. Still to this day he says that's what they're from but I don't believe much of anything Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenrage Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 He would make me seem crazy if I had accused him of cheating with no proof. I fully believe in trusting your gut after that one... I KNEW but he would have never admitted it... Ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted September 6, 2013 Share Posted September 6, 2013 Sounds like you know what you need to do. Just remember that even though it's hard now, your future will be much brighter because of it. His actions led to this result, nothing you did made him cheat. And honestly, this would have been the result whether he cheated or not. He is a liar and manipulator on top of the cheating, and that's more than enough to choose to be happy somewhere else. Link to post Share on other sites
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