Chances of reconciliation? Feeling so confused...

[blue636]

So, they say that divorce happens to 50% of all the newlywed couples nowadays. I think one in two marriages ending in such tragedy is a disaster. Maybe some of you remember me as being left by my wife on August 1st of this year and what an aweful time it's been for me. Well, she's been back in town for about 2 weeks now and I've seen her a few times but mostly our daughter (who is 18 months old).

 

Anyway, what percentage of these divorcees actually have a successful reconciliation? What are the steps in trying to do it? I had lunch with her today so we could spend time with our daughter together and I had a sick feeling to my stomach (no, it wasn't food poisoning). Some of you, maybe, may remember that I had already started dating. I've been happy, sorta, and I happen to be seeing some of the most gorgeous girls I've ever met. These are the types of girls I had always dreamed of but for some reason I would trade it all to get my wife back. There is a deep longing inside me that I feel for her and it's slowly eating away at me. I find the only cure or temporary fix is for me to continue to date other girls.

 

Her side of the story is that there isn't a snowball's chance in hell we'll ever get back together. She even says that she's going to start dating soon herself and her friends are setting her up with other guys. It doesn't look like the thought of being with me is even a remote chance with her, I doubt she even thinks that way at all. At the same time, she doesn't say much to me because I really don't bring up this subject. I don't talk to her about reconciling because I don't want to look like the desparate beggar in this case and it will probably look very unattractive.

 

What do I do? On one hand I could date a number of girls who, surprisingly, are more than willing; and on the other hand part of me wants her back. It's only been 3-1/2 months, so I suppose these feelings are normal? Am I right? Will I stop wanting her back soon?

 

Do people undergoing divorce ever get back together? If so, what sort of miracle is it going to take? Because I know it's not gonna happen under any circumstances short of a miracle...

 

Thanks everyone.

 

Blue

[brkelsey]

Blue,

 

Short answer: Move on and date the other girls. Yes, it’s normal. Seldom do people get back together. Miracles are only for saints.

 

Long answer: First, you have to ask yourself why your relationship didn’t work. Most of the time, people break up for such simple reasons, which are not much individually, but added up over time, become big things. You have to get to the symptoms before you can find a cure. Most of the time, it is the person who doesn’t want the divorce is not willing to change. The other person is fed up by how their partner treats them, lives, cheats, lies, etc. You have to ask yourself weather you can find the symptoms and fix them (be honest with yourself), before you can know if you have a chance at reconciling. However, most people don’t realize what went wrong for years (Unless there are things like drugs, alcohol, adultery, abuse, etc.). So, keep reading the posts on this web page for insight. There is nothing new under the sun. I have been reading for about two months now and realize only a fraction of the symptoms of my own separation (What I did wrong.) Always keep in mind that if it was meant to be you will be together again… eventually (But you have to fix the symptoms, and you can’t control the other person.)

 

My STBX is dating whom she calls her “Sole mate.” She loves him so much… She has been dating him for two months. Your Ex will go through the same thing. IT HURTS. But the sooner you get over it and move on the better. We’re going through the exact same thing. Just remember that she is no longer your wife. She is going to start doing and saying things, you are not going to like. The best way to handle it is to break contact as much as you can. It is hard with children; I know I have two boys. Avoid her as much as possible with out putting any strain on her financially. You have to be the adult and take responsibility.

 

If you do get back together, the relationship will never be the same as it was. It will be something new and you will have to accept everything that has happened in between. Again, move on. You are better off without her from what it sounds like.

 

Give one of your new friends, who happens to be a girl, an opportunity to be something much more. You will most likely find out the person you were with was not right for you. You might find being single again isn’t very bad once you get use to being you. The hardest part for me right now is finding out who I am. But I’m not going to give up on myself and neither should you. Let it go, don’t look back, and bring people into your life who care for you ten times as much as she ever did. The statistics are 50 percent divorce, not separate and get back together. I am sure the statistics on reconciliation are too low to count. In the end, you will be much happier for letting go.

 

If you want, you can pray for a miracle but that will only bring you resentment for your higher power. Just pray for happiness and piece of mind and eventually your prayers will come true. You also have to pray for your ex to be happy (even though you want some other, not so nice things, to happen to her right now.) If she is happy then your child will be too and that is ultimately why you’re getting the divorce. Ten years from now, you may see that spark again but from what I’ve seen and the people I’ve know never get back together. If you wait around for her, you may be waiting for a long time. Why? Do what is best for you!

[blue636]

Good post. Thanks.

[blue636]

I miss my wife, I still love her...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

... but dating again is friggin' awesome!!!

 

It's like, I can go out with whomever I want whenever I want wherever I want and not a thing to worry about!

[MassiveAtom]

Hey Man,

 

Dating the babes is great! Some good gettin if you know what I mean.

 

It is REALLY important though, that that love you feel for your wife get resolved. You've gotta close the hole.

 

That's a deadly breeding ground for that green eyed monster to incubate. Don't tell me you didn't get that twinge about the set-ups she was getting. Or that flash in your mind of her gettin some. and then the spark of the good times. Yeah, I've seen em too.

 

That's unresolved emotional connection. IT can come up and bite you in the Nads! and almost tear 'em off!

 

Get some closure with your wife.

 

And go ahead date!

 

BTW, Where do you find these dream girls, and how quickly did you come out of the pain enough to date?

 

mA

[overseas2004]

I dont know why people say its impossible for a split up couple to get back together. That is pure ridiculous. And if you really love her and feel that way about her then you owe it to your baby girl to give it a shot and have a serious conversation with her about it.

[blue636]

MassiveAtom, I find these dates and very easily because:

 

1. Out of necessity. A guy's gotta get his action, right?;

 

2. I'm in Los Angeles. Hot chicks here are a dime a dozen.

 

 

Overseas2004, it's not going to happen. Do you know why? Well, you said it, try to have a serious discussion with my wife. It's just NOT going to happen. I've already tried it and she insists that she's better off without me and continues to try and rub it in my face. Well, guess what??? I don't care! For ever date she claims to have I've probably already slept with three girls for each.

 

Images of her being with another guy don't bother me too much, knowing the kind of shape and condition she's in... there were times were I was just sexually turned OFF. She could be out doing whatever she wants, contracting disease and lord knows what else - I just don't care.

 

It's too bad things didn't work out and never will. My poor little daughter won't have a family with her mother and father together, but that doesn't mean we've stopped being a mother and a father. Though we've gone our separate ways we still love her and we're always with her giving her the love she needs from each of us. She's very well taken care of considering the circumstances.

[VivianLee]

How do you get where you are okay?? Can you truly stop loving and being affected by someone you love? In my case, someone I've loved for half my life??

 

Dating sounds so scary!! Y'all talk about hot chicks, I'm assuming they are 20-somethings that aren't near menopause and such...I'm 37....I don't look 37 but I am 37.....if the guys near my age want the 20-somethings, will I have to date a 60 year old? I'm not ready for this......I'm having a bad day anyway, I've been at my house for 2 days while he stays with friends and I'm missing what I had.....

[blue636]

Originally posted by VivianLee

How do you get where you are okay?? Can you truly stop loving and being affected by someone you love? In my case, someone I've loved for half my life??

 

Dating sounds so scary!! Y'all talk about hot chicks, I'm assuming they are 20-somethings that aren't near menopause and such...I'm 37....I don't look 37 but I am 37.....if the guys near my age want the 20-somethings, will I have to date a 60 year old? I'm not ready for this......I'm having a bad day anyway, I've been at my house for 2 days while he stays with friends and I'm missing what I had.....

 

 

How did I get to where I'm OK? I'm not OK, I don't think I will be for a long time. What I've learned is that you don't have to be fine and "over it", so to speak, in order to get on with your life and start dating again. You just have to learn to accept it and to accept that you cannot change what's happening outside of YOU. There's no way I'm going to change her mind, nor is there anything I can do to even sway her actions. It's painful, yes it is, but attempting to move on with my life is the first step in beginning the healing process - this is what I believe.

 

Dating isn't necessarily a step in moving on but having that sort of company is good. I find myself engulfed in the other person and that's what I want. I don't want a serious relationship but I want something else to focus my attention on; whether it's work, school (I'm in college), friends or other women. Wallowing in sorrow is not productive.

 

You have to understand that I'm in my twenties, this is why I date 20-somethings. You also have to understand that one of the reasons I'm dating again is not to find a new wife, but a new companion. My daughter and finishing school are my priorities right now, but if I'm going to date I might as well go full-force and see the "hottest" girls I can.

 

I'm trying not to do anything half-assed, if I'm going to school, being a father, working, and dating I'm going to give it my all. Mostly people know Freddy Mercury once said, "Anything worth doing is worth over-doing", and it makes sense. I tried my best to reconcile the marriage but I failed, and it seemed the harder I tried the more I would fail. I might be wrong but I think the best thing for me is to stop that behavior and just maintain a courteous relationship with the mother of my daughter.

 

I'm focusing on my life now and what I need to do and become to ensure that I am the father my daughter needs most.

[blue636]

Wow, I'm really good at forming incoherent sentences. Sorry about that!

[Ladyjane14]

I miss my wife, I still love her...

 

Images of her being with another guy don't bother me too much, knowing the kind of shape and condition she's in... there were times were I was just sexually turned OFF. She could be out doing whatever she wants, contracting disease and lord knows what else - I just don't care.

 

So.........what's the question?

 

Not to be rude, but your wife might be better off without you just now. It sounds like you're not really too sure what you want.

 

But good luck with that anyhow.

[blue636]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

So.........what's the question?

 

Not to be rude, but your wife might be better off without you just now. It sounds like you're not really too sure what you want.

 

But good luck with that anyhow.

 

 

 

How right of you to point that all out, but you probably didn't read all of my other posts. I do love her and miss her, but there's nothing I can do about it. So now what? I'm just living my life... I may as well sail the waters and enjoy the fine fish, if you know what I mean.

[MassiveAtom]

That sailing analogy is patented there bub!

 

 

I live in chicago, hot girls are somewhat few and far between. Myself I'm into the whole person, I just can't just be into it for the humpin'. There's got to be alittle more there r I just don't feel right.

 

But that's me. I was happy to read hat it's okay for onoe not to be entirely "fine with it" to move on. Maybe I should accept that too.

 

I think I've found a good way to be at peace with the divorce. I just have trouble dealing with my STBXW while we're still living under the same roof.

 

It's odd, nothing I can say is okay, nothing I can say is right by her. We HAD a serious conversation today which we reached agreement on, and she got angry about something. I just don't get it. But you know, it's always a good thing to do to resolve the feelings you have completely. They will cause problems in the future. Best to put it to rest completely. Sorry I was projecting there a little with the jealousy thing. I thought it was more than it is.

 

mA

[VivianLee]

blue636, I think I understand what you are saying...you are NOT okay but you don't have a choice. She won't come back to you and you need some affection and so you are finding it. You are still very young so I imagine you are still finding yourself AND looking for a true love (eventually). Being a father is the most important thing you can have in your life right now....those children can be worth 1 million of the unhappy spouses. Just be careful out there!!

 

It's weird, although I was seeing someone for a while (one of the reasons I'm separated now), it wasn't in the official "dating capacity" we mostly talked on the phone more than anything. To meet perfect strangers and go out with them is just scary.

 

Plus, if my marriage doesn't work out, it is going to kill me to see him with another woman. It was hard enough hearing of him with another woman (when he had an affair) BUT to actually witness it, I hope I'm doing "okay" when it finally happens.

 

Sometimes the thoughts of going out and meeting different people sounds even a little bit exciting, being older now than I was before, I'm more confident in myself and I have alot more to offer as an adult with a little bit of wisdom and ALOT more to talk about than I did when I was 14-18!! LOL! However, if I had my way, I'd rather it be me and my husband going out or staying home on a cold evening and snuggling...I'd take that over the dating scene any day but I have to prepare myself to face the fact the likelyhood of that happening is very small.

 

I don't have to have a man or be dating to be defined as a person (I know that now) but I do love affection, I truly enjoy the opposite sex and I crave intimacy (I'm not a one night stand person though)....I just never felt I'd be possibly out in "the dating scene" 3 years from 40!

 

MA, maybe it's good the hubby and I aren't under the same roof...maybe his time of cooling off is best before we try and talk...I just wish he talk soon!!

I don't know why your wife is so angry, you've done nothing wrong, it must be some pathetic coping mechanism she is using...I'm sorry she is hurtful....

[blue636]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

That sailing analogy is patented there bub!

 

 

 

 

I wasn't aware of that, sorry! I just kinda made it up as I went along.

[blue636]

Originally posted by VivianLee

However, if I had my way, I'd rather it be me and my husband going out or staying home on a cold evening and snuggling...I'd take that over the dating scene any day but I have to prepare myself to face the fact the likelyhood of that happening is very small.

 

 

I don't know why your wife is so angry, you've done nothing wrong, it must be some pathetic coping mechanism she is using...I'm sorry she is hurtful....

 

 

BINGO. There's nothing I can do about any of this.

 

My wife... I know what she's up to and it's not going to work. She's trying to push all my buttons and at first it almost got to me, but I knew better. She's trying to get me jealous, which isn't working when I'm seeing other girls, and she's also using this to cope - which further illustrates her sorrow. Her way of dealing with this is essentially by saying, "Haha! I'm doing great and better without you!".

 

Right.

[Ladyjane14]

I tried my best to reconcile the marriage but I failed, and it seemed the harder I tried the more I would fail. I might be wrong but I think the best thing for me is to stop that behavior and just maintain a courteous relationship with the mother of my daughter.

 

I think you're spot-on here, Blue. The trouble is that you don't seem to have really accepted it, hence the bitterness toward your former wife.

 

Bitterness can serve a purpose for awhile. It can help you to separate emotionally from something/someone that is causing you pain. It can only serve as a TEMPORARY stop-gap though, because it will quickly become a cancer that eats up everything good in your life.

 

Now, you might be having a good rant. (If so, you definately deserve it ) Or, you could be in that separation phase. But I'm concerned after reading all of your posts that the bitterness may continue on slopping on to all parts of your future life.

 

There's another word for 'women', "hotties", "babes", "fine fish". And that word is people. People are never "a dime a dozen".

 

I imagine you already know that, so excuse me for pointing it out superfluously.

 

It's just that when a person is already in pain, they have the potential to excacerbate it by "self-medicating". As the father of a young daughter, you'll hate yourself later for engaging in behaviors now that are designed to simply assuage your pain, particularly if you do so at the expense of other people.

 

I've seen a prime example of bitterness from divorce carrying on into relationships with ALL women in my own father. It's not pretty. And it ends up being very lonely.

 

So, by all means, date. Have as much fun as you can. Play SAFE. But just make sure that everyone involved knows the score. That way no one will get hurt. You included.

 

And even though it's difficult right now. Try to find a way to forgive your wife. It might not be today, but work at getting in done. It's the only way to be truly whole again.

 

Best wishes.

[blue636]

How perceptive, LadyJane.

 

Loving isn't the toughest thing in the world. Losing someone you love isn't that tough, either. Heck, even physical pain (I'm a motorcycle racer) doesn't seem that difficult to deal with. Forgiveness, now that is the BITCH of life. In the mean time I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and try to play it safe, like you had said.

[Charlane]

Blue I've been studying this and I truly think it is socially related. I expect that your ex is happily employed and feeling totally empowered? This is when situations such as this becomes susceptible to 'greener pastures'. This is true for both genders and the more successful a person becomes, then the more indestructible these same persons become, which appears to be the basis for the midlife crisis as such. From the trends that I have been studying, there will be a large rise in unemployment within the next 12 months. Those under 34 will have the option of joining the military, which will not pay as much and is a rather lonely type of wage earning and is also very controlling in lifestyle. Those over 34 will hopefully, have prepared for something such as this and will either become self employed or even become part of a large family unit (parents) in an attempt to save on bills. There will be an exorbitant number of family consolidations such as this when times are hard.

 

What I am saying here is that IF your ex loses her job, that smugness that you are witnessing and her brattiness at the same time, will completely erode if she loses her job and cannot find another one. Whatever new relationship that she is in will probably erode as a result as well because she will have some modicum of debt and this new person will be less that willing to absorb it and the stress will be intolerable. I'm sure that right about this time is when she will attempt to reconnect with you more out of fear than love. Now from what I have read when this particular situation does occur is that if you do forgive her, that the relationship is ten times stronger because of her gratitude more than anything else, which evolves back into love. The other side of this coin is that you might still harbor anger against her and will seek infidelity as a revenge at some point. Of course the shoe will be on the other foot at that time but you do have recourse is the point here. I suggest a more healthy less angry attitude.

 

I'm not a big social studies buff, but I do believe that attitudes are reflective of current economic standards. After all, we as a society have been pretty phat for a long time and the moral majority is coming back with a vengeance.

 

Let's talk about this 6 months from now just to see if it is true. What you do with this information is completely up to you. Just mark my words because I am trading oil and silver commodities now as a result and the unemployment figures are something I watch in order to trade. I have already noticed subtle changes in the number of layoffs being announced and the CEO replacements happening presently. It is just a matter of time for this to trickle down in scale and geography and I would say it should become full blown about June of next year. If you do take her back, try to release your anger and see this for what it is. The next time that she becomes smug because she is newly self empowered again, kick her ass to the curb and don't look back. You would definitely deserve better but being your second time, I think that would happen anyway. My fingers are crosse for you. In the interim, love life and let it love you back.

[blue636]

I appreciate your post.

 

She is currently employed by her own father, who is a very successful multi-millionaire and owns a very, very large distributing company which operates across the U.S.

 

She's set for life.

[Charlane]

Originally posted by blue636

I appreciate your post.

 

She is currently employed by her own father, who is a very successful multi-millionaire and owns a very, very large distributing company which operates across the U.S.

 

She's set for life.

 

 

No, she's not. What goes up must come down. I was looking at history for trends similar to what the economy is projecting now and in the 80's 'cutting out the middleman' was a household phrase. It's your choice about whether to believe this or not BUT we all know about the high number of divorces within the last 5+ years. What is interesting is how the trends for high debt, high employment and the rise in divorce are parallel in behavior. This used to be corralled to midlife crisis because the most successful persons at that time were white middle to upper class men. They thought themselves indestructible and became spoiled brats. It's the same thing only it's spread by gender.

 

With the dollar falling and foreign interests getting enraged with the United States, importers are having a difficult time not passing on the increase in cost to the consumer and this is true with distributors/importers presently that deal internationally.

 

You should see the cracks in this about February then. Just listen to how the dollar continues to fall and anytime you speak with her, watch if she is agitated. The price of oil started all of this. If you ask her if she is ok, I am sure she will say that it's work related.

 

Don't just take my word for it. Sit back and watch and.......be ready. The trend is your friend here.

[blue636]

I hope you're right Charlane. Today I spent the day with her and my daughter and we went out places, almost like we were a family again. Except, she managed to mention to me after I told her I'll always love her and my daughter, "I really don't want to talk about this with you, but if I had a choice between you and being alone - I'd rather be alone".

 

Great.

[Charlane]

Originally posted by blue636

I hope you're right Charlane. Today I spent the day with her and my daughter and we went out places, almost like we were a family again. Except, she managed to mention to me after I told her I'll always love her and my daughter, "I really don't want to talk about this with you, but if I had a choice between you and being alone - I'd rather be alone".

 

Great.

 

 

What a bratty, bitchy thing to do. So now you know that someone like that does not deserve to be told that they are loved. Please tell me that you will not do that again. She sees it as a sign of weakness because she knows that she is treating you bad to begin with. Do not make open ended statements like that anymore that could lead to anything like the above coming from her. Stop that behavior now. Just take your time and have patience. I really, really believe that good things do come to those that wait. Six months is a drop in the bucket compared to a lifetime and it could even be less than that. Just sit back and buckle your seat belt and watch the fireworks. It's what I am doing. I know my ex is getting ready to lose his job. I just heard the announcement 2 weeks ago because he is civil service and his job is easily replaceable with the president attempting to get many more recruits into the military. He's 40 and he will be replaced by someone half his age and he will understand what it is like to feel disposed of and he will have done this to himself because I warned him. His only option would be to live with his parents after that. It is simply a matter of time as always.

[blue636]

I do understand now what a bitch she is, after all I had said to her to attempt to reconcile things. She's definitely a spoiled brat, but who can blame her when her parents had been wiping her ass (and still continue to do so) her whole life? I hope the next guy that ever comes around in her life let's her realize that she'll never have a successful relationship with anyone ever again.

 

All I need now is patience, like you said. This is becoming increasingly difficult.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by blue636

I do understand now what a bitch she is, after all I had said to her to attempt to reconcile things. She's definitely a spoiled brat, but who can blame her when her parents had been wiping her ass (and still continue to do so) her whole life? I hope the next guy that ever comes around in her life let's her realize that she'll never have a successful relationship with anyone ever again.

 

All I need now is patience, like you said. This is becoming increasingly difficult.

 

DudE! What is the problem!? You know, I really think that everyone who has ever had to go through a divorce at the hands of one of these spoiled brats, should have a place to go and talk and support each other. Wait, that's here!

 

Whatever the case, you're helping me see what a spoiled, selfish child my self-proclaimed "emotionally mature" wife is. This is disgusting! what the hell are we putting ourselves into.

 

THAT'S IT! I'm not taking anymore of this crap from my STBP (soon to be parasite) I'll keep my dignity, and most importantly let her know that when that door swings shut on the 18th of this month, I hope it does hit her in the @$$!

 

Yes, I meant "DOES"

 

your brother in arms

 

mA