tiernan Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Please help me as I am not coping with my feelings. I have been with MM for 4 years now, two years in secret and then he left his wife for me. They had been together 25 years and have three almost grown up kids. Since then she has been doing anything to get him back. She involved her children in the fight. They stopped the contact with him and don't want to see him. We spent holidays and xmass together over last two years and she applied for a divorce a year and a half ago. But she kept changing her mind constantly about it and all this time was begging him to come back, threatening suicide and all possible emotional blackmail. In the meantime I got pregnant and we were so happy. Unfortunately I had a miscarriage. It was a heavy blow. After that the pressure from his wife doubled and he started to hesitate, that maybe if the baby died we are not destined to be together. He was torn. About this time he had a one night stand with some stranger. He confessed it immediately but I was so hurt I didn't want to talk to him ever egain. He said he was so confused and in a horrible stress because of the situation. He kept apologizing but I still didn't want to talk to him. So he came back home to his wife. It last a couple of days while he was frantically begging me to take him back. Which I ultimately did. I loved him so. But things were not the same anymore. I coudn"t really forgive the betrayal. I lost my trust and confidence in him. He knew that, as I was letting him know what I felt. Now the divorce proceedings are in progress and all of the sudden his wife starts calling him and beginng him again to come back. And he started to hesitate again and saying he is under pressure. I ended it as I couldn"t bear it. And now of course I cannot bear NC. I am dying. Please let me know what you think. Link to post Share on other sites
PR08 Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 You lose people the way you get them, and he's got more invested with them. Personally, more-fool his wife for taking him back. As for you, it's over. Move on. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Be grateful that you discovered he will cheat on you too, and that you are no different to him than his wife. It hurts and it says alot about him. This is not about you and your worth but about him and his lack of commitment. He may love you and he may love his wife, but he may also simply want what is the easier route. His children are probably the draw back to his marriage. Let her have him. As much as you love him and as much as it hurts to let him go, the future with him (if it were to happen) doesn't look like a happy one to me. You will never trust him, and when he cheats again, then it will hurt more and be harder to leave. Hugs to you during this very difficult time. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Why would you want a man who copes with stress by cheating and having sex with strangers? He's made it obvious that he cannot be trusted by any woman. Good riddance. You can do better. Would you really want a man who behaves like this? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 If that's what he wants, let him. The problem is that the past two years he hasn't really been with you. He's been on the fence. He hasn't even filed for divorce himself, he was waiting for her to let him go. And she doesn't want to. To the point of using their grown up kids. You deserve someone who's there for you after a miscarriage, and who doesn't cheat on you and abandon you. He's not that person and he doesn't want to be that person. The only way to move forward is to accept that this is what he wants, but take away his fence sitting and going back and forth. You slam the door in his face and grieve. We guarantee he'll try to come back and keep you as an option. It's difficult for them to lose the spotlight of being oh so desired in two places. One day you won't want him to come around again, as hard as it is to imagine right now. Link to post Share on other sites
maidai Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 I have just been through similar. I have to go out now so will answer quickly. Our situations were close but he had already been seperated living independantly for 18mnths when we became an item. We were together 18mnths after that so 3 years seperated in total. The day the divorce was due he went back. Fighting will make you look weak and pathetic. If he feels he needs to give his marriage a go wish him well BUT make it clear if it does not work your door is shut. Then walk.... NO RUN away quickly. Go full no contact. Block every avenue he has to contact you and go heal yourself. I am only a month down the line and I am done, sorted and coming out the other end. Spending times with friends and family and have already been asked on a couple of dates with SINGLE free men. I am not quite ready to take that leap of faith yet but knowing the option is already on offer makes you feel great. This man is not emotionally available. I thought mine was after 3 years seperated he wasnt they arnt there is still business at home to take care of. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 This man can not totally commit to anyone and you will be better off with out him. I know that is hard to understand right now but he has problems with in his self he needs to fix. I think he would bounce back and forth between his wife and you for years if allowed him to. In time you will feel better and will see that life is better with out him. Let his wife have the mess and find someone who will give you his all. Link to post Share on other sites
Baby123 Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 I am also in a similar position. A little background, me and MM started as a fling, he kept showering me with love and gifts and it became more. I didn't do well being the other woman, so after 2 months he left the marital home, and bought an apartment to live in which I spent about 5 out of 7 days a week living in also. I am a lot younger than him and this cause our relationship to be tough, I have travel and career goals, not to mention boys my own age hitting on me. MM struggled massively with this, he didn't want to hold me back from embracing my new job and life and we kept on fighting. I tried to get him to understand I loved him and would commit to him, but it was a constant battle. He'd been held back, he didn't want to do it to me, my ambition was what attracted him to me. He also believed that maybe one day i'd leave him, and he'd be alone. All the while the BS was fighting tooth and nail to get him back, same as yours, using the kids but also ending up in hospital after a suicide attempt. His kids had a fist fight, and told MM, that 'he didn't give a **** as long as he was ****ing his gf' and had left them. The bs said it was so tough not being a family unit, not doing trips away ect, and watching all of her friends and family doing those things. His friends and mother constantly beratted him, over having left and his actions with me and eventually he has said he will look at reconciling. He has to stop their pain, and will be a brilliant friend to me, she has agreed to an open marriage and is fine with me and him being in contact. Family pressure can be immense, my MM adores me, and supports me in every way, the BS herself has said he has never loved her like he has me. its just a f'd situation, and baggage is a killer. I don't want to loose the friendship, but realise its probably best he goes back, even if it kills me and him. Link to post Share on other sites
imfine Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 I think you rock for going NC with him. He's put you, his wife and his children through hell. He even cheated on you after you miscarried his baby. Think about that. Really think long and hard about the feelings you've experienced while he just couldn't make up his mind. Did it make you feel second best? Did it make you feel worthless? Have you been jumping through hoops just to keep him? Have you lived in constant fear you will lose the man you love? Now think about how long you want to continue to live caught up in his indecision and betrayal. Do you want to live fully & honestly? Or do you want to live like you have been? Up to you. But if you take him back realize you choose to live a miserable life because you choose him. You're strong enough to go NC and you are strong enough to send him packing for good. Choose you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Dolphono Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) He left his wife for me, now wants to go back Please let me know what you think. I think your temporary victory is over. "You almost had him". His loyalty will always be with his family. You should have let go of him a very long time ago. Be supportive of his return home, remain his friend, not FWB but a friend. Being supportive brings positive energy to a very negative situation. Edited September 5, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
StrongLass Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Ugh. This is probably going to be my latest ex in a decade or two if he doesn't work out his immaturity and commitment issues. In cases like this you need to decide what you value more at some point. Relationships can be tough but they should never be like THAT. I decided I love myself & my sanity more than him. So should you. Be strong. Maintain NC. Come on here and post if the world seems too dark to bear. We're all here to help 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Let her have him. You don't need someone that is not only iffy about being with you, but handles something that tragic by cheating on you. I am so very for your loss. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Let her have him. You don't need someone that is not only iffy about being with you, but handles something that tragic by cheating on you. I am so very for your loss. I'm also very sorry for your loss. To me whoever walks away is the true winner. He cheated on you and he cheated on his wife, if she takes him back you know it's only a matter of time before he cheats again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 I often feel silly for continuing to fight for a man sitting on a fence eating cake. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Me, too, canuck. And sometimes things he says makes me want to shake him. "YOUUUUUU can change that! Don't say "If only..."!!!", but then that would make me a hypocrite b/c *I* can change it, too by just walking away and removing his choice. And yet here I sit, impatiently waiting b/c...I don't even know why other than love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Tiernan: Without trust, honor, integrity and strength of character, a man is just a shell. His behavior concerning having the A in the first place, having a one-night stand on you and then leaving you after a painful miscarriage shows he is a shell. Love is not only how you feel, it is what you do, so if he is doing everything inconsiderate and self-serving then you are better off moving forward with your life. You get exactly one life...this is it, so is this the way you want to live it? Condolences for your loss, Grumps 4 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 I think your temporary victory is over. "You almost had him". His loyalty will always be with his family. You should have let go of him a very long time ago, now the chickens are coming home to roost. Be supportive of his return home, remain his friend, not FWB but a friend. Being supportive brings positive energy to a very negative situation, it also helps in the Karma department. You have some bad energy coming your way, being supportive may counter what you have put out there. What you're going through now, is that energy returning upon you. His loyalty isn't to his family, he is only thinking of himself. He doesn't love anyone but himself! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Me, too, canuck. And sometimes things he says makes me want to shake him. "YOUUUUUU can change that! Don't say "If only..."!!!", but then that would make me a hypocrite b/c *I* can change it, too by just walking away and removing his choice. And yet here I sit, impatiently waiting b/c...I don't even know why other than love. I hear ya sista lol, preaching to the choir here lol. I have several choices as well but I sit here in limbo for almost 2 years waiting for him to ***** or get off the pot. Waiting for someone else to decide the fate of my future, and all I hope is one day I have the strength to walk away or push him off the fence. I know I stay for love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 I hear ya sista lol, preaching to the choir here lol. I have several choices as well but I sit here in limbo for almost 2 years waiting for him to ***** or get off the pot. Waiting for someone else to decide the fate of my future, and all I hope is one day I have the strength to walk away or push him off the fence. I know I stay for love. I was talking to my exH today about him getting out and meeting people. (He's currently an OM, ironically, though he swore he'd never be w/ a married person.) We were talking about him meeting new people and maybe finding someone else and he said "What about you? How many men have asked you out since you left me?" and he started counting them up. And yet...here I sit waiting and hoping for someone/something that may never be available. Go figure! Damn love. Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 I was talking to my exH today about him getting out and meeting people. (He's currently an OM, ironically, though he swore he'd never be w/ a married person.) We were talking about him meeting new people and maybe finding someone else and he said "What about you? How many men have asked you out since you left me?" and he started counting them up. And yet...here I sit waiting and hoping for someone/something that may never be available. Go figure! Damn love. I have dated but nothing serious and I tell mm if or when I date. He doesn't like it but he understands that until he changes his current situation I have the right to live my life. I'm not interested in being with anyone but him at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Dolphono Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 His loyalty isn't to his family, he is only thinking of himself. He doesn't love anyone but himself! True from that point of view. People fall and he fell, because he pokes his wanker some where else, does not mean he's not loyal to his family. Now, if he ran off with OP and never looked back and went N.C with his family of 25 years, then he's not a loyal man. I have plenty of mates, who's dad ran off with the prettier, younger, ego stroking side piece and never looked back. Link to post Share on other sites
Dolphono Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 I was talking to my exH today about him getting out and meeting people. (He's currently an OM, ironically, though he swore he'd never be w/ a married person.) We were talking about him meeting new people and maybe finding someone else and he said "What about you? How many men have asked you out since you left me?" and he started counting them up. And yet...here I sit waiting and hoping for someone/something that may never be available. Go figure! Damn love. Lmao. "Go figure!" Is right. Why are so many people in that exact same scenario today? Amazing, that's like the new hidden phenomenon of relationships today. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 I know exactly why I'm still with him. I was being sarcastic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tiernan Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 Thank you all for all your comments. I will stay NC, and I think he will not contact me anymore. as he says he has to put duty over love. Link to post Share on other sites
glowing Posted September 6, 2013 Share Posted September 6, 2013 Gigantic hugs I'm so sorry you're going through this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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