semicharmedlife Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 They say Like attracts Like...so for you to keep picking emotionally unavailable men...there must be a part of you that is emotionally unavailable...whether you see it or not... IMHO you need to walk away from this and focus on yourself...so that you may eventually start attracting the kind of partner you want in your life... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zapbasket Posted September 19, 2013 Author Share Posted September 19, 2013 They say Like attracts Like...so for you to keep picking emotionally unavailable men...there must be a part of you that is emotionally unavailable...whether you see it or not... IMHO you need to walk away from this and focus on yourself...so that you may eventually start attracting the kind of partner you want in your life... Yeah, that occurred to me for the first time recently. I've always thought I *was* available, since I tend always to be the pursuer in the relationship. But it's likely something else is going on there, too.... I just really don't know and that's the hardest thing. How little I know, and how all that I don't know is affecting my personal life Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zapbasket Posted September 19, 2013 Author Share Posted September 19, 2013 I thought K would ignore my birthday, which it tomorrow, one day shy of four weeks since we broke up our 3.5-year relationship. But he messaged me on Facebook tonight: Hi MC, I hope this message finds you doing well. I want to wish you a very Happy Birthday. I sincerely wish the best and hope that your day is spent with joy. Respectively, K It hurts. I know the intent was to be kind, and acknowledge my day, but...well, first of all, I feel that Facebook represents the most superficial of interactions between people; it gives people instant access to you who possibly aren't in your real life much at all. I feel that a Facebook message on my birthday so soon after we've broken up only cheapens the time we spent together. On my end, for instance, I'm working through a lot of emotions about the relationship--grief, remorse, anger, disappointment, feeling lied to, feeling unloved, feeling confused...the list goes on. I miss him and am sad remembering how we spent my birthday together last year, and now it's all reduced to a cool message on FB. I want to write him back, and thank him, but then tell him this. That if we address each other, I'd rather it be in a medium that matters, like a letter, or a request to meet in person (we live down the road from one another, about a mile apart). That anything less just makes me feel our time together doesn't/didn't matter to him. Am I making too much of this? It has really shaken me up, and I'm feeling even more down and lonely than if he hadn't reached out at all. And it's not like he's saying he misses me, or that he's sorry for what happened...nothing. I just don't know what to make of this. It may be my ego and wounded feelings talking, but still. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zapbasket Posted September 19, 2013 Author Share Posted September 19, 2013 Oh. And then, on top of it, his mom is taking me out for coffee tomorrow morning. She offered lunch but I'm going on a solo roadtrip two states away. Ironically, I'm going in part because I feared feeling sad that neither K nor his mother, with whom I was close, were going to reach out, but then they have, and it only hurts more. I'm not sure tomorrow morning was a good idea. They're both acting like this is all over and done with and I can't believe K doesn't have the kind of intense feelings I'm having. Maybe this just goes to show how we're just not emotionally on the same page, generally. Maybe I need someone who, if we parted ways, would express more real emotion, write a proper communication, call me, cry, say he misses me. I don't know. I feel like I'm the person feeling everything and K and his mom are just like, "Ho Hum..." :(:( Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 As you're learning, contact actually only makes things worse. Don't reply to K's message. You don't have the right to ask him to only contact you in specific ways or validate your relationship or do anything else. (And notice that he is not behaving as you wish he would; this was emblematic of your whole relationship; and it continues to hurt. Stop banging your head against the brick wall.) Why are you meeting with his mother? I would cancel it. Seriously. You're only going to feel worse afterwards. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zapbasket Posted September 25, 2013 Author Share Posted September 25, 2013 So yesterday was K's (my ex's) birthday. A friend was taking me out for *my* birthday, which was last Thursday but I was out of town. We were at this one restaurant, in the front, drinking glasses of wine while waiting until our table was ready. And K walked in with his parents and younger brother. At first, I pretended I didn't see them, and just kept my eyes on my friend. But then they all looked over at me, and I looked up, and I managed to say, "Happy Birthday" and introduce my friend to his parents. They stood around for a minute until they realized it would be a 20-minute wait, and went to the restaurant next door instead. My friend said we all pulled it off without awkwardness. She said though that K did not seem like a happy camper, that he seemed vacant, "there" but not really "there." I managed to pull it off, but now I feel like complete sh*t. Today his mother posted this thing on Facebook--one of those signs that read, "Your son will hold your hand for only a little while, but he will hold your heart for a lifetime. If you have a son that makes your life worth living by just being around him and you're proud of your son, like and share this picture." I did meet with her for breakfast on my birthday. It was too late for me to cancel. She iterated again that she loves me, but she keeps finding ways to blame me for this relationship's demise, telling me AGAIN how K's older younger sister hated his teasing and would get angry or hurt when they were kids, whereas his younger younger sister, 19 years his junior, was completely unfazed by his antics. I assume K's mom's intent in telling me this story AGAIN is to suggest that while *I* had a problem with the antagonistic behavior, *another woman* won't have a problem. She also said, "We don't have the kind of fighting in our family that you and K had." And I stuck up for myself by saying, "Then why did K say he grew up with fighting, and sometimes sat out on the lawn rather than have to hear the arguing in the house?" She stopped after that. Now that our birthdays have passed, there is no reason for contact, so I probably won't hear from her or him for a while, if at all. And even though I was uncomfortable with the birthday exchange, I opted to write him back and say "thank you" for the wishes...and then after seeing him on his birthday, I came home and wrote him a brief birthday note saying it was good to see him. I felt I had to do that, but now I also feel like sh*t because it's unlikely he'll reply, and so as per usual I end up being the one to make contact that goes unreturned...when I wasn't even going to do any kind of birthday contact in the first place! I know this feeling will pass, but seeing him with his family really threw me for a loop. And while I was able to enjoy dinner with my friend, I came home and was awake half the night feeling awful. Anyway, just venting. I suppose there is a not-so-small part of me that despite everything wishes he would write or call and say he misses me and can we talk. Link to post Share on other sites
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