obligated to talk

[psm04]

We both apologized for any wrong doings from either side a couple of days ago. Of course, he was more concerned about me possibly doing this with someone else in the future (he tried to say it in a nice way and said that he hopes neither one of us has to go through this again with someone else). He was always concerned about other guys even though I'm married also. Anyway, I said that it was obvious that he has no trust, which is fine. He denied that and said that he trusts me etc. Anyway, at the end of it all, he said he hopes to get along as friends in whatever capacity. That whole word irks me now.

 

So I haven't spoken with him. He said hi to me yesterday and we talked for two minutes. Today, he is in the office. We haven't talked yet. I don't know that I really want to, but I feel obligated to say hi to be cordial? I mean, what's wrong with me?

 

We have an event after work that we are both going to, along with several others. I'm not concerned at all that I'll do anything with him. I'm done with that. But it will be awkward though. I don't even think I need to be nice to him since he has made it clear several times that he is selfish and didn't really care about my feelings.

[Owl]

We both apologized for any wrong doings from either side a couple of days ago. Of course, he was more concerned about me possibly doing this with someone else in the future (he tried to say it in a nice way and said that he hopes neither one of us has to go through this again with someone else). He was always concerned about other guys even though I'm married also. Anyway, I said that it was obvious that he has no trust, which is fine. He denied that and said that he trusts me etc. Anyway, at the end of it all, he said he hopes to get along as friends in whatever capacity. That whole word irks me now.

 

So I haven't spoken with him. He said hi to me yesterday and we talked for two minutes. Today, he is in the office. We haven't talked yet. I don't know that I really want to, but I feel obligated to say hi to be cordial? I mean, what's wrong with me?

 

We have an event after work that we are both going to, along with several others. I'm not concerned at all that I'll do anything with him. I'm done with that. But it will be awkward though. I don't even think I need to be nice to him since he has made it clear several times that he is selfish and didn't really care about my feelings.

 

I'm not sure what your question is...other than perhaps you're asking if you're obligated to talk with him?

 

IMHO...no, you're not obligated to talk with him. In fact, once the A has ended...typically the only way for it to finally come to a comlete end is by going total NC. No talking of any kind.

 

Odds are, he's hoping you'll change your mind and resume the affair at some point down the road...so he's trying to keep that door open.

 

The real bottom line is...what do you want out of all of this, and what are you going to do to get it?

[darkmoon]

this after work event, maybe there will be secrets kept by other people about their affairs, nothing like that would surprise me, office/work affairs are notorious for happening nothing new about them, mine's a gin and tonic please, enjoy the event

Edited September 5, 2013 by darkmoon

[psm04]

I don't know what my question is. It is mostly a venting session. I'm just mad about all the times I went out of my way to be nice to him, only to be hurt later when I realized that he cares mostly about himself. I was so torn between my H and him, and even contemplated leaving my H, but I think he wanted both worlds. He wanted to be happy at home, with my help. F that.

[psm04]

Pierre, no there is no affair of any sort, and that's why I'm staying away. He doesn't have to care about my feelings. It just pisses me off when I think of him using the word 'friend', and wanting to stay friends, knowing that I was going through torture.

 

At best now, to me, he is an acquaintance who I talk to because we work together. And even at that, I talk to him if I need to. I'm not casually chit chatting.

[Wambo]

PSM04

 

I know exactly how difficult and confusing your situation is. I do not believe in an instant you are in control of either yourself or the situation, and you are entering an EA. If I was in your position which I am, I wouldn't go up to my ex AP and say hi. I wouldn't even allow myself to be drawn into a conversation either. I also got two work social events coming up and I'm not going to either and that because she will be there.

Right now my ex AP is doing her best to restart the EA and she is succeeding. The problem is your ex AP is doing a better job than she is because you are allowing your ex AP to take some control over you. You are lowering your guard against him and allowing him to enter your life. If you had read 'Not Just Friends' you will understand the concept of windows and what is happening is over time you are slowly openning the window to your love life and allowing him in.

 

End of the day he doesn't respect you. He's using you as a quick fix to his problems back at home. He doesn't care it will effect your marriage as long he get the benefits. The same apply to my situation and why i'm going to have firm words with her and the outcome of her situation, *cough* single mum *cough*.

[psm04]

PSM04

 

I know exactly how difficult and confusing your situation is. I do not believe in an instant you are in control of either yourself or the situation, and you are entering an EA. If I was in your position which I am, I wouldn't go up to my ex AP and say hi. I wouldn't even allow myself to be drawn into a conversation either. I also got two work social events coming up and I'm not going to either and that because she will be there.

Right now my ex AP is doing her best to restart the EA and she is succeeding. The problem is your ex AP is doing a better job than she is because you are allowing your ex AP to take some control over you. You are lowering your guard against him and allowing him to enter your life. If you had read 'Not Just Friends' you will understand the concept of windows and what is happening is over time you are slowly openning the window to your love life and allowing him in.

 

End of the day he doesn't respect you. He's using you as a quick fix to his problems back at home. He doesn't care it will effect your marriage as long he get the benefits. The same apply to my situation and why i'm going to have firm words with her and the outcome of her situation, *cough* single mum *cough*.

 

You are right. I think I have control of my life, and then something happens to where I'm back to feeling like crap. I wish I never went out after work. It was terrible. He mentioned his wife during certain conversations, and they stung. In the end, I had to get up and leave. I kind of told him off in an email. Maybe I shouldn't have done that, but it helped me to put my feelings out there so that I can move on. He responded, I replied to that, and didn't bother responding to his subsequent email.

 

The way I feel now, I don't want to talk to him unless I have to for work. It is not because I hate him or anything. It is the opposite, really. But I can't handle being around him and watching him successfully lead two lives while I walk around torn,confused and miserable.

[Red Wolverine]

All of his behavior is intended to maintain control. Him telling you how jealous he'd be about other men, hoping for friendship, mentioning his wife, etc. None of this is about love and consideration for you, which are the hallmarks of friendship, nevermind decency.

 

Unfortunately, your reactions are telling him he has the control. Your goal is indifference. Communicating with him and getting emotional in any way tells him exactly what he wants to know. Sadly, it also feeds some sick need of his.

 

This isn't love, hell it's not even like. It's emotionally abusive behavior. Your reaction needs to be to walk away and not respond to it. This is his problem but you need to stop signing up to be his victim.

[Red Wolverine]

But, she is addicted.

 

Addicts know the drug is bad for them but they keep taking drugs. OP knows OM is a POS but she still wants OM. She cannot help herself because OM meets an emotional need. And for some the emotional need is so strong that they become addicts.

 

I think she's starting to see his emotional needs involve abusing her. Like all addictions, acknowledgement and acceptance is the first step. Hopefully she is getting clarity on his motives. They don't involve love.

[psm04]

Pierre and Red Wolverine, you both are right. Pierre, I WAS addicted to him. I have never been addicted to anything in my life, but the highs that I got from this were addictive. But as Red Wolverine said, I've been getting clarity for the past few months. Yes, my first few attempts at stopping this failed, but with each one, I feel like I became stronger. Yes, he is very selfish. I was honestly trying to do what's right and stop everything, but towards the end, it was pretty obvious that he wanted both worlds. He never respected my wishes to stay away or to stop talking until this last time. So basically, he loves his wife and he loves me, but he loves himself more. Yes, I was a cake eater too, but I've been struggling with it and wondering who I was meant to be with (it is definitely my H). I don't think that xOMM struggled as much as me. He wanted his stay at home super mom wife, but he wanted me to feed his ego and provide some excitement, and entertain his boredom after his wife and kids went to bed, or when he was at work. How nice of him to have entertainment around the clock!

 

Believe me, I do not want xOMM. I am getting pissed off after writing the above. I could write a book about the mix of feelings he brings out in me!

[Wambo]

My situation took a drastic turn for the worst. I'm officially back in the EA and I'm not sure where things will go from here. All I can say she was upset and I couldn't kick her when she was down.

 

I think this is the difference between you psm04 and me. In my situation I'm dealing with a young and confused woman. In your situation you are dealing with a piece of **** who doesn't respect you. End of the day you need to face reality and stand up for yourself.

[Feb]

My situation took a drastic turn for the worst. I'm officially back in the EA and I'm not sure where things will go from here. All I can say she was upset and I couldn't kick her when she was down.

 

I think this is the difference between you psm04 and me. In my situation I'm dealing with a young and confused woman. In your situation you are dealing with a piece of **** who doesn't respect you. End of the day you need to face reality and stand up for yourself.

 

What happened, Wambo? Maybe start a new thread so we don't t/j this one. You were doing well before. Yes, you are dealing with a young, confused woman, but do you think you are really helping her by engaging in the EA again? Seems like that would be worse for both you and OW in the long run.

[psm04]

My situation took a drastic turn for the worst. I'm officially back in the EA and I'm not sure where things will go from here. All I can say she was upset and I couldn't kick her when she was down.

 

I think this is the difference between you psm04 and me. In my situation I'm dealing with a young and confused woman. In your situation you are dealing with a piece of **** who doesn't respect you. End of the day you need to face reality and stand up for yourself.

 

That sucks for you! Are you sure she wasn't using her distress to suck you back into it? My xOMM has brought up things like 'I don't think my marriage is going to last for long', or 'I've been feeling depressed', etc. , a lot of times when I would end things. When things were good between us, I wouldn't really hear that type of stuff much.

 

Funny thing is that I've felt like I'm the young and confused woman in my situation, especially in the beginning. I hadn't been married that long, and xOMM is older than me (10 plus years).

 

I've been facing reality for months now. It's just that I'm only able to be strong and adamant about what I want now.

[Wambo]

She was visibly distress for sometime and recently started clinging onto me. The other day she tried to corner me and quietly said hello to me. I responded by ignoring her and walked by her. Make the matter worst it took place in front of three other co workers and my work environment is very bad when it comes to rumours and fallouts. I never want people to find out about the EA and HR know there is something bugging me.

 

The following day she actually went looking for me just to say hello to me. She then quickly walked away just in case I would reject her again. Instead I said hello back and that was that. The only reason I said hello because I felt guilty because of our previous incident because she was visibly upset.

 

The following day I was sitting by myself and she joined me. I stopped what I was doing and we had a good conversation. Very platonic like we once were and there was no tension at all. It almost like the last ten months of NC or falling out never happened.

 

The situation now, i need to get her to face reality and tell her primary relationship is toxic.

[Feb]

She was visibly distress for sometime and recently started clinging onto me. The other day she tried to corner me and quietly said hello to me. I responded by ignoring her and walked by her. Make the matter worst it took place in front of three other co workers and my work environment is very bad when it comes to rumours and fallouts. I never want people to find out about the EA and HR know there is something bugging me.

 

The following day she actually went looking for me just to say hello to me. She then quickly walked away just in case I would reject her again. Instead I said hello back and that was that. The only reason I said hello because I felt guilty because of our previous incident because she was visibly upset.

 

The following day I was sitting by myself and she joined me. I stopped what I was doing and we had a good conversation. Very platonic like we once were and there was no tension at all. It almost like the last ten months of NC or falling out never happened.

 

The situation now, i need to get her to face reality and tell her primary relationship is toxic.

 

Why do you need to be the person to do that? If she is a thinking adult, she knows her primary relationship is toxic, and she has to woman-up and get herself out of a toxic situation herself. I know you are trying to be a nice guy, but by being her shoulder to cry one, advisor, BFF, knight, etc. she is going to fall even harder for you and her emotions are raw enough as it is already.

 

 

If you really think she needs a third party to help her with her primary relationship, find a neutral friend to go tell her, but it shouldn't be you. Also be careful of the co-worker situation. There are a lot of very intuitive people out there, and they probably sense something already.

[red605]

PSM04, you and I could be twins as far as what we are going through. I just joined and look forward to more of your posts. They have been so helpful so far. I want to private message you but am a new member and not sure how to do this. This site has been a lifesaver for me.

[psm04]

PSM04, you and I could be twins as far as what we are going through. I just joined and look forward to more of your posts. They have been so helpful so far. I want to private message you but am a new member and not sure how to do this. This site has been a lifesaver for me.

 

Can't wait to read your story. Funny, how we think our situation is so unique, and then we find several people with almost exactly the same story!

 

This site has been great for me too. I really believe that if it weren't for this site, I'd still be in the beginning stages of my affair, where i basically had no control and treated myself with such disrespect.

 

As far as private messages, you have to be posting for a bit before you can do that. I think 50 posts or something like that.

[red605]

Thanks for your response! Forgive the silly question but since I am new, does "post" include responses to people or do you have to be the original message poster 50 times? I hope this makes sense. Trust me I can get to 50 in no time with what I am going through...haha.

[psm04]

Thanks for your response! Forgive the silly question but since I am new, does "post" include responses to people or do you have to be the original message poster 50 times? I hope this makes sense. Trust me I can get to 50 in no time with what I am going through...haha.

 

You don't have to originate 50 messages :-) All posts, including responses, will count.