cif Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) About 18 months ago I ended a relationship with my BF. At the time I had no idea he was involved with another woman before even dating me, and immediately ended it when I found out. Our R lasted about a year, and before that we were broken up for a couple years. The previous R lasted 4 years with me breaking that off. GIGS. When I broke it off he begged me to give him another chance, that she meant nothing, etc. Of course I was heart broken. Although at the time I was convinced this is not the type of person (cheater, liar, manipulator) I wanted in my life, I'm having my doubts now. Last year they had a shot gun wedding and a few months ago had a baby. He has not stopped contacting me and asking for forgiveness. He wants another chance. But what kind of life could I have with such a person? My question is should I atleast hear him out? I have always imagined that we would end up together but do I really want to live my life spying on a man? And can he really live apart from his newborn? I read all these stories on here of MM getting depressed and wanting to go back. Don't think it's something I can handle. Edited September 5, 2013 by cif Link to post Share on other sites
trailrunner1975 Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 From a man's perspective: I would tell him to concentrate on his family. He made his decision and needs to stick with it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
imfine Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 He told you it was a mistake, however he continued to see her, married her and gave her a child. Seems to me if this was a one time "mistake" he would have cut ties with her then. He violated your trust. No, you don't want to spend your life being hyper vigilant wondering if he's going to cheat again. You also do not want to spend your life wondering if you are the reason he left his family. Go NC and eliminate the "what ifs". It will save you a world of heartache. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Right now HE is the one with the character issue. If you become involved with him, then you will have a character issue as well, no matter how much you delude yourself into thinking she is a villian and you are his soulmate. Run away from this man so that you do not choose to become what he is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) he wants to keep you as his side dish. is that all you're good for..... lapping up his table scraps? i say you move on. Edited September 5, 2013 by Artie Lang 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cif Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 From a man's perspective: I would tell him to concentrate on his family. He made his decision and needs to stick with it. But it doesn't seem like he's happy. He was very hurt when we broke up and might've just panicked. Isn't that possible? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cif Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 He told you it was a mistake, however he continued to see her, married her and gave her a child. Seems to me if this was a one time "mistake" he would have cut ties with her then. He violated your trust. No, you don't want to spend your life being hyper vigilant wondering if he's going to cheat again. You also do not want to spend your life wondering if you are the reason he left his family. Go NC and eliminate the "what ifs". It will save you a world of heartache. He's staying for his child. The problem is the what f's are killing me. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 He's staying for his child. The problem is the what f's are killing me. Even if he's not happy and just staying for his child, he's still staying there. Tell him if/when he's ever single again to contact you. How can you get involved with him and not experience a lot of guilt and pain, and not cause a lot of pain? Link to post Share on other sites
trailrunner1975 Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 But it doesn't seem like he's happy. He was very hurt when we broke up and might've just panicked. Isn't that possible? It is possible, but to be honest, his issue not yours. Nothing long term will come of this deal as far as you are concerned. Find a great single guy and go enjoy life! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cif Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 Even if he's not happy and just staying for his child, he's still staying there. Tell him if/when he's ever single again to contact you. How can you get involved with him and not experience a lot of guilt and pain, and not cause a lot of pain? I would feel guilty if I told him to leave, then he actually does, and it doesn't work out. His wife doesn't concern me. If he leaves it's better than staying with a man who can never love her. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 But what kind of life could I have with such a person? . Or rather, what kind of life would you have being the other woman? You ended it with him when you found out he was cheating on you with her, yet now you are contemplating being the other woman while he's still married to her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cif Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 Or rather, what kind of life would you have being the other woman? You ended it with him when you found out he was cheating on you, yet now you are contemplating being the other woman while he's still married? Where do you see such a statement? He doesn't want to stay married. But I've been telling him to leave me alone or ignoring him so he has no idea how I feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) Where do you see such a statement? He doesn't want to stay married. But I've been telling him to leave me alone or ignoring him so he has no idea how I feel. Just because he says he doesn't want to stay married, it doesn't mean it's true. If that's the case, get the divorce and then have a relationship with you. Save yourself. MMs will lay out all sorts of declarations, and most times can't go through with any of them. Saying he doesn't want to stay married doesn't guarantee he'll leave. Edited September 5, 2013 by Zahara 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Baby123 Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Even if your MM is telling the truth and leaves the fun wont end there, the BS and all family and friends will be constantly persuading him to go back. Take it from somebody who knows- baggage is not fun. Watching someone separate for you, and then go back is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 But it doesn't seem like he's happy. He was very hurt when we broke up and might've just panicked. Isn't that possible? And it's not your responsibility to make him happy. Trust me, you will be sacrificing a lot of your own happiness for his if you choose to go back in to the fire. /current OW 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LilGirlandOW Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 What the previous OW have stated, steer clear if you can. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 he will always be in the child's life, the child's mother will be an ex who you can not banish, just saying there will never be a clean break from her, he'll maybe have sundays with his child, the mother could be any type of person some would say that you would need to be beyond angelic not to mind i'd run from getting too involved, date him and others too 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 I would feel guilty if I told him to leave, then he actually does, and it doesn't work out. His wife doesn't concern me. If he leaves it's better than staying with a man who can never love her. I'm not suggesting you tell him to leave. I'm suggesting you not engage in an A with him. He needs to work on his marriage and if it doesn't work out and he's ever single again then he can contact you. You're right, you don't want a man to leave his marriage for you. However, it sounds as if there's a possibility this M of his is not going to work out. I'm suggesting you not contribute to that but just go your own way now and if he's single one day the two of you can pursue a R. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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