My world is falling apart.My Fiance is going to cheat on me. Should I let her?

[bladerunner10121]

Hi All,

 

The last couple of weeks I have been going crazy and I need some advice. I ran across this website and hope I can get some help.

 

I am 27 years old. I have been with my 28 year old Fiance for almost 5 years. We got engaged a year ago and agreed we are in no rush to get married. I have been in many relationships but this is the first woman I have ever fallen in love with. I am absolutely, head over heels in love with this woman.

 

I treat her like a queen. I put her up on a pedestal every day. she has bipolar issues that she has been working on since we got together and she has improved many folds. I put up with all the crazy mood swings for 4 years. I stuck by her every second and supported her. she tells me she loves me all the time and talks about how she cant wait until we start a family. she is my best friend, she is my entire world.

 

This is the nightmare I am stuck in at the moment:

 

So as of a few weeks ago I started noticing she was acting differently around me. she was being secretive. We know each others facebook and email passwords and never lock our phones. One day I noticed she was trying to hide something on her phone as I caught her by surprise. I asked her about it and she was flustered. I know how she is so I let it go. Then the other day I logged into her Gmail account to check on a ticket I had bought and saw a message pop up from her friend, where they were talking about sex and she was telling him how she is arranging to go get eaten out on her upcoming vacation. My world just shattered. I was instantly nauseated and almost passed out. I immediately called her and confronted her. she said it was a joke and that's how her and Matt(her friend) talk. I pushed and she got defensive and tried to spin it around on me, if you don't trust me.. blah blah blah. During the past 5 years there was not even a second where I thought she might be dishonest about something.I just had a bad gut feeling. So I go into check her facebook account and she has changed her password, same with her email and phone as I later found out. So at this point I definitely know she is hiding something from me and it was driving me crazy. I confronted her about the way she has been acting and she says nothing is going on and I'm being paranoid.

 

So I hack into her phone and get all the text messages emailed to me. She has been talking with several guys, at least 3. they have been sending sexual pictures and texts back and forth and she is indeed planning on hooking up with a guy when she goes to Florida next week.

 

So here I am hoping to get my sanity back. I am so in love with this girl. I keep asking her if there is anything she needs to tell me or if anything is bothering her. I can not possibly see my self with out her. So what do I do. Do I confront her and tell her I know everything, Do I let this play out and see what happens? Even if she doesn't go through with it just thinking about those text messages and pictures and her blatantly lying to my face destroys me. I need some help guys.

[Grumpybutfun]

bladerunner:

Wow, what a terrible situation. I am sorry that someone did this to you as you seem like a very good person. Confronting her is the only step, as she is hiding her behaviors from you and will likely do so for the foreseeable future. Secrets in any relationship is the death knell and if she is doing this with multiple people, then she has issues that have nothing to do with you.

Be grateful that you did not marry this person and move on. If someone is willing to lie to you when you give them the perfect opportunity to confess, then they are never going to be trustworthy. Even though this seems to be only sexting, it is still a form of cheating and shows her vulnerability to cheat. Also, just because she doesn't have their sex files on the phone doesn't mean she hasn't already cheated. People with consciences who love and respect you would never treat you like this.

You may love her, but by her behavior, she is not showing that she loves you. This isn't how you treat some you love....ever.

Her character is in question and her trustworthiness is kaput. Do not tie yourself to a person like that.

Good luck,

Grumps

[crederer]

Oh buddy, sorry to hear that. Writing is on the wall, this relationship won't last unless you're willing to be cuckolded.

 

I hate when cheaters say "you need to trust me" when they are quite clearly acting in an untrustworthy manner.

 

I know have a hard time trusting women because twice I've been messed around on with a woman looking me dead in the eye, and giving a very convincing "you need to trust me" speech all the while they WERE messing around.

 

I know it's not fair to hold that against new women I meet, but I find it hard to trust women because they seem to be good liars.

[Imajerk17]

You have enough evidence. Your only hope of saving this is to end it now. You have to tell her that you have enough evidence and that without trust there is no relationship and that it is over.

 

This might actually make her upset enough so that she won't carry through with her plans to cheat. She will be too focused on winning you back.

 

Do you really want to stay with someone like this btw?

Edited September 5, 2013 by Imajerk17

[fanine]

I had a similar situation with a boyfriend. I tried to forgive and forget but once that trust was broken I never felt the same again. I was suspicious of everything, I did not know what was a lie and what was the truth. It made me very insecure and paranoid. It is a horrible situation to be in.

 

I couldn't carry on like that and in the end knew I deserved a better life with someone. Good luck and sorry you got to read all that. It is a horrible feeling.

[Jbum5]

Listen, you lovesick fool, confronting her is the best way...to let her know that it's over.

 

You're clearly attached to her like a leech is on skin, and this is probably the last piece of advice you'd entertain, but you have to realize that one of the following things will happen, inevitably:

 

a) you'll stay with her and she will cheat on you now (on vacation), despite your confrontation; you'll find out and be heart broken

 

b) you'll stay with her and she will cheat later (on the next vacation maybe), despite your confrontation; you'll find out and be heart broken

 

c) you will stay with her and she will cheat on you sometime (now or later), despite your confrontation; you'll eventually find out and be heart broken

 

d) you'll stay with her and she might not cheat on you but your distrust will build and you'll eventually be so paranoid and controlling that you'll end up breaking up because one or both of you can't take it anymore; you'll be heart broken

 

In all options the common denominator is that you'll be heart broken.

 

So take the path of least resistance:

 

e) you confront her and break up, and be heart broken but recover sooner than compared to any of the above

 

Be a man. Do the right thing.

Edited September 5, 2013 by Jbum5

[giblesp]

Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like this? You give her the world and she repays you like this? Listen man, there's a world of women out there who will give you the treatment you deserve, who will return your love and kindness.

 

She's not the one and is now wasting your time. It hurts back suck it up for now and it will pass. Its rare that a someone shows the dedication you describe, and so many women out there are looking for just that.

[sallymae]

I was in a similar situation and I can tell you that when you have that dream, its because your heart already knows the truth. I had a few dreams like this with my first love. I got to the point in that relationship that he made me feel like I couldn't trust and I was the person with the problem who needed to see a counselor. I believed it all, because all my emotions were new and very strong for him. In the end I learned his ex wast trying to get back with him and sleeping with his using my condoms for over a year....its was REALLY UGLY in the end. He stalked me and tried to get me back. I didn't go back. I am happily married now - It just took a little longer to find an honest monogamous person - which is what I needed.

 

My only other thought is that some people are addicted to porn, and they don't truly commit as a result. If that is not something you want - there are loads of other people who feel the same - so find one of them and you will feel more secure and happy in the long run. The short run, should not be an acceptable concept, when it comes to questions about marriage or other kinds of long-term relationship tracks.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hi All,

 

The last couple of weeks I have been going crazy and I need some advice. I ran across this website and hope I can get some help.

 

I am 27 years old. I have been with my 28 year old Fiance for almost 5 years. We got engaged a year ago and agreed we are in no rush to get married. I have been in many relationships but this is the first woman I have ever fallen in love with. I am absolutely, head over heels in love with this woman.

 

I treat her like a queen. I put her up on a pedestal every day. she has bipolar issues that she has been working on since we got together and she has improved many folds. I put up with all the crazy mood swings for 4 years. I stuck by her every second and supported her. she tells me she loves me all the time and talks about how she cant wait until we start a family. she is my best friend, she is my entire world.

 

This is the nightmare I am stuck in at the moment:

 

So as of a few weeks ago I started noticing she was acting differently around me. she was being secretive. We know each others facebook and email passwords and never lock our phones. One day I noticed she was trying to hide something on her phone as I caught her by surprise. I asked her about it and she was flustered. I know how she is so I let it go. Then the other day I logged into her Gmail account to check on a ticket I had bought and saw a message pop up from her friend, where they were talking about sex and she was telling him how she is arranging to go get eaten out on her upcoming vacation. My world just shattered. I was instantly nauseated and almost passed out. I immediately called her and confronted her. she said it was a joke and that's how her and Matt(her friend) talk. I pushed and she got defensive and tried to spin it around on me, if you don't trust me.. blah blah blah. During the past 5 years there was not even a second where I thought she might be dishonest about something.I just had a bad gut feeling. So I go into check her facebook account and she has changed her password, same with her email and phone as I later found out. So at this point I definitely know she is hiding something from me and it was driving me crazy. I confronted her about the way she has been acting and she says nothing is going on and I'm being paranoid.

 

So I hack into her phone and get all the text messages emailed to me. She has been talking with several guys, at least 3. they have been sending sexual pictures and texts back and forth and she is indeed planning on hooking up with a guy when she goes to Florida next week.

 

So here I am hoping to get my sanity back. I am so in love with this girl. I keep asking her if there is anything she needs to tell me or if anything is bothering her. I can not possibly see my self with out her. So what do I do. Do I confront her and tell her I know everything, Do I let this play out and see what happens? Even if she doesn't go through with it just thinking about those text messages and pictures and her blatantly lying to my face destroys me. I need some help guys.

 

 

 

You break-up with her immediately without ever looking back or hesitating!!!!

 

If not for all that, then when???????????

 

This is as black and white as such a question gets.

 

Forget all you ever thought about her - it was in large part wrong.

 

(you've learned early enough to save much of your life from horror)

[road]

bladerunner, dating is the job interview for marriage. She failed. Dump her move on.

[Joyvke]

Damn sorry to hear dude . Best to walk away from it. Having a chat ok, having a sexual chat, hrm rather not, but actually meeting up for a sex date... that's just wrong in so many ways.

[bubbaganoosh]

I don't understand why you would wait. It's like pressing on a bruise and causing more pain. Call her out on this and tell her to have great time in Florida and tell her that before she goes, she should look for another place to live because she is no longer welcome in your home. Then it will be her turn to.

 

Even if she cancels her plans, she has shown her true colors. The only thing you have to ask yourself is if this is the kind of woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. When your tell her this, keep your eyes on hers and no where below her neck. Too many guys have folded when that happens.

[It's Just Me]

Bipolar is incredibly tricky. If uncontrolled, some start spending crazy amounts of money. Others become very promiscuous. Others become suicidal, many years after onset.

 

I know (and have known) a few people who were bipolar, both men and women. Unless they are being followed by a psychiatrist, and on a favourable medication cocktail, things tend to get a little weird - and then the episodes escalate beyond anything you could imagine.

 

My best friend from high school was diagnosed at 23, after she was found wandering around the equivalent to your state capitol buildings, naked, and shouting that she wanted to talk to the governor about world peace and violence against women. This was a girl who, as a high school junior, would put Catholic nuns to shame, she was so prim. During her bipolar 'highs' in her 20s, she'd bang strangers at McDonalds in the bathroom.

 

There is a bigger issue here, Bladerunner.

[almond]

Ouch.

 

You should investigate the possibility that you are suffering from codependency issues.

 

Is your partner manic at the moment? If she is experiencing manic symptoms, please have her see her psychiatrist immediately. This sort of behaviour during bipolar mania is very common, even amongst those that would never cheat otherwise unfortunately.

[Woggle]

At least she pulled this crap before marriage.

[BeholdtheMan]

Hi All, I treat her like a queen. I put her up on a pedestal every day. I need some help guys.

Break off your current engagement. Don't debase yourself for the next woman in your life.

 

Guys, never ever put women on a pedestal. A healthy relationship requires that the dignity and self-respect of both sides' be maintained. Once you put her on a pedestal, you're no longer her man, you become her manservant.

[CrystalCastles]

Guys, never ever put women on a pedestal. A healthy relationship requires that the dignity and self-respect of both sides' be maintained. Once you put her on a pedestal, you're no longer her man, you become her manservant.

 

Actually it goes both ways. Never put your partner on a pedestal.

[Space Ritual]

Go ahead and let her go to Florida, wish her a happy trip.

 

And when she returns have all of her possessions packed up in nice Hefty Garbage bags on your porch, so she can spread her wings, and her legs, somewhere else.

[IAmRobot]

Hi All,

 

The last couple of weeks I have been going crazy and I need some advice. I ran across this website and hope I can get some help.

 

I am 27 years old. I have been with my 28 year old Fiance for almost 5 years. We got engaged a year ago and agreed we are in no rush to get married. I have been in many relationships but this is the first woman I have ever fallen in love with. I am absolutely, head over heels in love with this woman.

 

I treat her like a queen. I put her up on a pedestal every day. she has bipolar issues that she has been working on since we got together and she has improved many folds. I put up with all the crazy mood swings for 4 years. I stuck by her every second and supported her. she tells me she loves me all the time and talks about how she cant wait until we start a family. she is my best friend, she is my entire world.

 

This is the nightmare I am stuck in at the moment:

 

So as of a few weeks ago I started noticing she was acting differently around me. she was being secretive. We know each others facebook and email passwords and never lock our phones. One day I noticed she was trying to hide something on her phone as I caught her by surprise. I asked her about it and she was flustered. I know how she is so I let it go. Then the other day I logged into her Gmail account to check on a ticket I had bought and saw a message pop up from her friend, where they were talking about sex and she was telling him how she is arranging to go get eaten out on her upcoming vacation. My world just shattered. I was instantly nauseated and almost passed out. I immediately called her and confronted her. she said it was a joke and that's how her and Matt(her friend) talk. I pushed and she got defensive and tried to spin it around on me, if you don't trust me.. blah blah blah. During the past 5 years there was not even a second where I thought she might be dishonest about something.I just had a bad gut feeling. So I go into check her facebook account and she has changed her password, same with her email and phone as I later found out. So at this point I definitely know she is hiding something from me and it was driving me crazy. I confronted her about the way she has been acting and she says nothing is going on and I'm being paranoid.

 

So I hack into her phone and get all the text messages emailed to me. She has been talking with several guys, at least 3. they have been sending sexual pictures and texts back and forth and she is indeed planning on hooking up with a guy when she goes to Florida next week.

 

So here I am hoping to get my sanity back. I am so in love with this girl. I keep asking her if there is anything she needs to tell me or if anything is bothering her. I can not possibly see my self with out her. So what do I do. Do I confront her and tell her I know everything, Do I let this play out and see what happens? Even if she doesn't go through with it just thinking about those text messages and pictures and her blatantly lying to my face destroys me. I need some help guys.

 

I'm sorry but this might be done and not recoverable.

 

The main problem I see in you is that you're acting out of fear... (i.e. you're afraid to lose her) and that is so not sexy. You should not fear her cheating (which she already did), you should embrace it. It's a blessing when people cheat. It tells you that now it's time to move on and there's no way around it. It gives you a very clear picture of who the other person is and where your life is headed. And your life is headed in a direction where hers isn't.

 

She's going on a vacation to Florida by herself?. Good for her, book a ticket to jamaica, tell her you're not exclusive anymore, go hookup with more girls than you can count and find some girl that is more compatible with you and can keep her hormones and stupidity in check.

 

But yea, that's kind of crazy, to think that in 5 years she's done nothing and all of a sudden thinks it's OK to cheat and sext guys... Meh, turns out you didn't know her as well as you thought.

[bladerunner10121]

I want to thank you all for the responses. It really helps tremendously. I guess I know what I have to do here. Grow a pair. It just feels like a bad nightmare and I need to wake up. I'm going to take the weekend and collect my self and prepare to confront her.

 

bladerunner. Snap out of it!!!

 

If you marry this girl, you are in for a world of heartache and pain for as long as you are with her. That I can guarantee you.

 

When people say they love someone that is bi polar and being unfaithful, then the only thing they have to go on that "love" is physical appearance or sex. Because there are no other redeaming qualities here.

 

I hope you aren't letting the little head think for the big one here. Because if you stay with her, you are headed for a trainwreck.

 

Its really not that. I don't want to sound conceded but I am better looking and in better shape than she is. I get hit on all the time. I was not so attracted to her until after I well in love with her, which took only a few weeks. I feel like she bewitched or drugged me. I am not sexually attracted to anyone else and she looks more beautiful to me than what my eyes are seeing. I feel pathetic as I am a strong confident, independent man and feel like I am being completely trampled like a ****ing door mat.

 

I really want to thank everyone for all the advice. I need to take all the emotions out of it and look at the situation logically. It sucks but it could have been a lot worse and I need to man up.

Edited September 6, 2013 by bladerunner10121

[Madman81]

Go ahead and let her go to Florida, wish her a happy trip.

 

And when she returns have all of her possessions packed up in nice Hefty Garbage bags on your porch, so she can spread her wings, and her legs, somewhere else.

This is an excellent idea. Do all this, and change the locks while she's gone. Breakups are hard at the best of times; where you're dealing with an unrepentant cheater who's still trying to turn everything around and blame YOU for being "paranoid" or "invading her privacy" (when it's clearly damned fortunate that you did so), it's bound to be even harder. Save yourself that trouble, use the time you have, and kick her ass to the curb. Although not without keeping copies of the incriminating evidence you've gathered.

 

Good luck mang... I wish you the best.

[tman666]

As you've been previously advised: do not marry her.

 

Dump her and cut all ties immediately.

 

In your future relationships, you might want to reconsider your approach of "putting her on a pedestal" and "treating her like a queen".

[HokeyReligions]

A woman treated like a queen will eventually expect to be the ruler and will assume that role.

 

Stay strong and move forward. Bipolar is a difficult disease. My mom was bipolar. If your gf refuses medical care and does not take her meds you d ont stand a chance of a healthy relationship. Even if she does can you live with never being able to fully trust her?

 

You also may want to get tested for std now as she may have already cheated.

[HokeyReligions]

A woman treated like a queen will eventually expect to be the ruler and will assume that role.

 

Stay strong and move forward. Bipolar is a difficult disease. My mom was bipolar. If your gf refuses medical care and does not take her meds you d ont stand a chance of a healthy relationship. Even if she does can you live with never being able to fully trust her?

 

You also may want to get tested for std now as she may have already cheated.

[aliveagain]

I just hate to post this but with what you have already written the odds are so against you that any future with her will be infidelity free. You have a chance to dodge a bullet, most of us never had that chance and would jump at the opportunity to have a do over. Don't be us in a few years time. Anyone willing to cheat on their fiancée isn't worth marring. You don't need to complicate your life anymore than it already is.