What is the Correlation?

[Nyla]

I have often read posts on LS and other boards, which say that women who were ever promiscuous are not wife material. There is a belief that these types of women will always end up being unfaithful to their husbands. Interestingly, I have never read any posts that say the same about men who sleep around before marriage.

 

I believe that people can mature and change as they grow older. Many young adults have a period of playing the field before they settle down. What some people fail to realize is that sometimes those who were "pure" before marriage, end up cheating because they wonder what they missed out on.

 

I certainly had my fun when I was in my early twenties and living alone for the first time. None of that stopped me from being a faithful and loyal wife. I have never cheated on my husband and even though men have tried to entice me into having affairs, I never went along with it. When I accepted my husband's proposal, I only wanted to be with him and I didn't want anybody else.

 

So what is the correlation between cheating wives and their promiscuity before marriage? Are people doomed to repeat patterns in their marriages and committed relationships or is it possible to break the cycle? Why does this promiscuous before marriage=cheating spouse belief only apply to women?

[KungFuJoe]

There is no correlation.

[ChooseTruth]

If a fiance cheats, marriage is off. Gender doesn't matter. The red flags are too gigantic. Hell, if they cheat early in the marriage(before kids) I think it's over... Again gender doesn't matter.

 

If a GF or BF cheats. same thing. Why would you stay with them if you are looking for an eventual marriage partner. Road test, crashed. Failed test.

[Silly_Girl]

I don't subscribe to it - for either gender - but it's just part of the usual double standard women suffer. I think it's less prevalent than it used to be, the ignorant, sexist sweeping generalisations, but it's still there.

[2sure]

The idea of "promiscuous" is different for each person and each partner.

 

Being promiscuous when single is a complete other thing from cheating.

Someone who had many partners in the past is not more likely to cheat because of that. Look at how many people here say they cheated or were cheated on because they had no or few previous partners.

[oldshirt]

A lot of people just like to slut-shame. I think someone could make the argument that marrying a virgin is at risk of cheating later in life because she would be more curious about what else was out there.

[2sure]

Yep. No GIGS for me! I already checked them all out!

[miss_jaclynrae]

Yep. No GIGS for me! I already checked them all out!

 

OMG.

 

 

This, exactly.

Can't really suffer from GIGS when you know that green grass over there smells like ****.

[oldshirt]

As far as the risk of adultery, as in all things it's a matter of degrees and causation. Someone who had a few relationships and a few hook ups by the time they finish college is probably at no greater risk than any other population.

 

But someone who has had dozens and dozens of hook up and they have strong personality traits of poor impulse control, selfishness, a sense of entitlement and feel rules only apply to others, substance abuse etc etc are at higher risk of adultery because those traits that lead them to their promiscuity are the same traits that lead to adultery.

 

The only predictor of future behavior is past behavior so someone who has multiple dozens or perhaps even hundreds of notches on their bedposts, there is no reason to believe that they are going to wake up one day and decide to live a life of monogamy and it would be very suspect if they did.

[oldshirt]

I have often read posts on LS and other boards, which say that women who were ever promiscuous are not wife material. There is a belief that these types of women will always end up being unfaithful to their husbands.

 

I do want to bring up that there is more to this promiscuity issue than simply cheating. Cheating is a conscious choice. Someone can simply choose to not go through with the act of having sex with someone else and tahdah! they are a faithful spouse.

 

Another real world issue with someone who is promiscuous isn't simply about the cheating issue. It can also have some effects on how each of the partners can view and treat each other.

 

This is highly politically incorrect in today's all-accepting world but if someone has been with lots and lots of prior lovers there is a greater likelihood that at some point there is going to be some respect and connection issues.

 

If someone has a good number of notches, at least a few of them are going to be 'fish that got away' that they are going to be pining for and at some point probably a sense of settling for their partner and thus having a lower level of respect for their partner and more of sense of them being disposable since they have a history of disposing people and being disposed by those with whom they shared their bed.

 

Add to that that their partner probably also has a lower sense of respect and admiration for them as well since they are just one of many.

 

Our grandmothers understood this concept well but it is has been lost to larger extent in current times. What happens when people have a lot of notches is that no one person is really "special" to them anymore. And after they have been ridden by everyone in town, they are often not looked upon as 'special' by their partner.

 

Noone wants to feel like they are the partner of the week nor are they often to anxious to give a special part of their heart to someone who has been pumped and dumped by every other dude in town. Noone wants to be the one stuck with everyone else's leftovers.

[oldshirt]

OMG.

 

 

This, exactly.

Can't really suffer from GIGS when you know that green grass over there smells like ****.

 

The problem is a lot people don't want to be stuck with someone who's pastime has been rolling in other people's ****.

[oldshirt]

 

. Interestingly, I have never read any posts that say the same about men who sleep around before marriage.

 

 

 

 

Why does this promiscuous before marriage=cheating spouse belief only apply to women?

 

Men get a little more leeway up to a point but after that point it's probably similar.

 

whether they'll ever admit it or even be consciously aware of it themselves, women actually want to see that some other women have accepted a man before they will accept him themselves.

 

It's called preselection and it is quite powerful. Basically that is when a woman sees another woman that is at least as attractive as her interested in a man, then she will see that as a 'stamp of approval' and she will be more likely to interact with him as well.

 

So up to a point the more women a man associates with the more preapproval and more preselection he will have. And as a man I can testify that it is a very powerful force. As a guy the best thing you can do to get women interested in you is to have an attractive, popular girlfriend. You can have a year long drought but once you finally do start going out with someone attractive and of high social status, women will be coming out of the woodwork...including those that completely turned their nose up at you and treated you like dog poop in the tread of their shoes during the dry spell.

 

That whole concept only works up to a point though and once a guy has got around too much he will start to look like a playa' and a womanizer and a cheater etc just as a woman would.

 

The catch is though is for both men and women, each person has an idea in their head as to how much is too much.

 

For some people even having sex with one other person is a deal breaker. For other's anything under a hundred is OK. And some people even have a minimum number in mind or they'll think the other person is a prude or a pu$$y.

[oldshirt]

.

 

The catch is though is for both men and women, each person has an idea in their head as to how much is too much.

 

For some people even having sex with one other person is a deal breaker. For other's anything under a hundred is OK. And some people even have a minimum number in mind or they'll think the other person is a prude or a pu$$y.

 

 

This is why I always preach to NEVER discuss numbers. No matter what number you say, you will always shoot yourself in the foot and cause angst. If you say one person too many, you will be thought of as slutty or indiscriminate or thought of as a slut or a playa'. But if you say one person too few, you will be thought of as a prude or a pu$$y.

[Nyla]

This is why I always preach to NEVER discuss numbers. No matter what number you say, you will always shoot yourself in the foot and cause angst. If you say one person too many, you will be thought of as slutty or indiscriminate or thought of as a slut or a playa'. But if you say one person too few, you will be thought of as a prude or a pu$$y.

 

I agree! No good can come from discussing numbers.

 

In my experience, even men who slept with the whole world want a woman with low numbers. That viewpoint is not fair or rational, but it is what it is.

 

My husband just wanted to know that I hadn't engaged in any gang bangs or recorded any sex tapes, along with being disease free of course.

 

I don't really want to know how many people my husband had before me. I just want to be sure that I am the only woman he is intimate with for the rest of his life. So far, so good!

[Nyla]

As far as the risk of adultery, as in all things it's a matter of degrees and causation. Someone who had a few relationships and a few hook ups by the time they finish college is probably at no greater risk than any other population.

 

But someone who has had dozens and dozens of hook up and they have strong personality traits of poor impulse control, selfishness, a sense of entitlement and feel rules only apply to others, substance abuse etc etc are at higher risk of adultery because those traits that lead them to their promiscuity are the same traits that lead to adultery.

 

The only predictor of future behavior is past behavior so someone who has multiple dozens or perhaps even hundreds of notches on their bedposts, there is no reason to believe that they are going to wake up one day and decide to live a life of monogamy and it would be very suspect if they did.

 

Why would it be suspect if a promiscuous person wants to change their life and stop sleeping around? Are people doomed to repeat their past behavior at all times?

 

It's like saying that a former drug user can never be sober, when that is more than possible if the addict has the right help and the will to stop using. Another example would be an ex-con who turns away from a life of crime.

 

My mother used to admonish me and call me names because she thought I was being promiscuous when I was not. I left home partly because I wanted to date in peace, without my mother ruining my relationships or calling my extended family to tell them what a whore I was. Now my mother tells me that she wishes she dated more; looks like her insults were out of jealousy.

[oldshirt]

Why would it be suspect if a promiscuous person wants to change their life and stop sleeping around? Are people doomed to repeat their past behavior at all times?

 

 

Not doomed to repeat past behaviors at all.

 

Again, cheating requires a conscious choice to have sex with someone else. All one has to do to not be a cheater is to not go through with it.

 

A person can choose to not have sex with others but they will always likely have a bit of a 'call of the wild' after living the porno life. having lots of sex partners is fun and exciting and you always get a bit of a rush with someone new.

 

Marital life and marital sex can be much different and after many years a lot of that initial excitement and hormone rush is gone or at least greatly diminished.

 

The problem isn't when things are going well with the marriage and sexlife at home though, the problem can come in when cracks in the foundation start to form (and they always will).

 

To put it bluntly and politically incorrectly, someone with a high notch count will be more likely to bail when things start to go bad. someone who is used to the rush and excitement of many loves will be more likely think that there is a problem when in fact it is just things settling into a routine.

 

And the person with high count will be more likely to realize all they have to do to get that fun and excitement back is to run up to the bar and make a few wink-winks and jiggle their booty in the right direction and they will be off to the races again.

 

A person with a high notch count will also be more likely to see people and relationships as disposable and will have a greater likelihood of throwing in the towel sooner and with less provocation.

 

So no, people aren't doomed to cheat just because they had more experience in their youth. That is a completely false assumption. All a person has to do to not cheat is to choose not to do it.

 

However someone that has really been there and done that time and time again, will be more likely to get restless, more likely to see the relationship as flawed or broken, more likely to opt out of the relationship and see what else is out there for them as opposed to "working on it" and will have an easier time attracting other lovers.

 

So bottom line is someone with a promiscuous past is definitely not 'doomed' to cheat. They are just more likely to choose to ditch a current relationship once things start to go south and will do it sooner than a low count person.

 

(keep in mind, I am writing in absolute terms to make the point. it's not really anywhere near this cut and dried)

[dichotomy]

My now wife, had a late in life… um… “phase"…. between her first marriage and ours. It was uncharacteristic for her. It was so messed up and unhealthy - she hid it from me in order to marry me, but on top of that she also had issues breaking from the lifestyle ….and it "leaked" into our relationship and resulted in an EA. Because of this - there has been a lot of pain and loss and time understanding what it means to be in a healthy monogamous relationship. She just had not been in one before - so yes I wodnered about the coorelation. We are futher along now with lots of time and help - understanding what it means to be healthy in a marriage and for each other.

 

This goes both ways as well - plenty of stories here about couples who have been monogamous - thinking about exploring swinging or threesomes or open marraiges. Switching from one type of known realtionship style to another - not easy to switch sometimes - and marriage is not easy.

 

But if your just talking you know - some fun time - in college or high school or something - I am not sure it correlates.

Edited September 6, 2013 by dichotomy

[oldshirt]

 

This goes both ways as well - plenty of stories here about couples who have been monogamous - thinking about exploring swinging or threesomes or open marraiges.

 

 

We went that route after about 10 years of traditional marriage. (although neither of us were either virgins nor high-count when we married)

 

The thing about swinging is that it is INTRAmarital sex. It occurs within the marital bed as part of the marital sexual dynamic that the couple does together as a couple even though it does involve other people.

 

Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing or whether it has anything to do with the topic at hand... just thought I'd throw that in there for whatever it's worth LOL

[oldshirt]

So bottom line is someone with a promiscuous past is definitely not 'doomed' to cheat. They are just more likely to choose to ditch a current relationship once things start to go south and will do it sooner than a low count person.

 

 

And to further complicate things, a high-count person's partner probably also has a higher risk of bailing when things start to get rocky too.

 

A lot of people will value and honor and respect a real high-count person less than they would a low-count person of similar other traits. People may accept a high-count partner but probably go into it looking at it as a calculated risk and gamble and will probably not give them the benefit of a doubt that they would give a comparable low-count person.

 

(Again, I am writing in black and white terms to make a point in a very gray area)

[dichotomy]

We went that route after about 10 years of traditional marriage. (although neither of us were either virgins nor high-count when we married)

 

The thing about swinging is that it is INTRAmarital sex. It occurs within the marital bed as part of the marital sexual dynamic that the couple does together as a couple even though it does involve other people.

 

Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing or whether it has anything to do with the topic at hand... just thought I'd throw that in there for whatever it's worth LOL

 

thanks for sharing this. I read not many can handle that change. Seems that emotions get in the way - and it is like letting a genie out of the bottle.

 

Did you stay in that lifestyle or switch back after trying it for a while?

 

Of course there are differences between - swingers, open marriages, threesomes, and ployamory lifetyles.

Edited September 6, 2013 by dichotomy

[Sparty97]

I would have much rather married a promiscuous woman. Instead I married one that was a virgin (when we started dating) and doesn't really enjoy sex very often.

[miss_jaclynrae]

The problem is a lot people don't want to be stuck with someone who's pastime has been rolling in other people's ****.

 

 

 

A problem? Really? Funny because it has never been an issue for me... ever.

 

 

 

 

Not to mention, can't really know what amazing is unless you have experienced the opposite.

[dichotomy]

I would have much rather married a promiscuous woman. Instead I married one that was a virgin (when we started dating) and doesn't really enjoy sex very often.

 

You may find that theory has no correlation either.

[Nyla]

Not doomed to repeat past behaviors at all.

 

Again, cheating requires a conscious choice to have sex with someone else. All one has to do to not be a cheater is to not go through with it.

 

A person can choose to not have sex with others but they will always likely have a bit of a 'call of the wild' after living the porno life. having lots of sex partners is fun and exciting and you always get a bit of a rush with someone new.

 

Marital life and marital sex can be much different and after many years a lot of that initial excitement and hormone rush is gone or at least greatly diminished.

 

The problem isn't when things are going well with the marriage and sexlife at home though, the problem can come in when cracks in the foundation start to form (and they always will).

 

To put it bluntly and politically incorrectly, someone with a high notch count will be more likely to bail when things start to go bad. someone who is used to the rush and excitement of many loves will be more likely think that there is a problem when in fact it is just things settling into a routine.

 

And the person with high count will be more likely to realize all they have to do to get that fun and excitement back is to run up to the bar and make a few wink-winks and jiggle their booty in the right direction and they will be off to the races again.

 

A person with a high notch count will also be more likely to see people and relationships as disposable and will have a greater likelihood of throwing in the towel sooner and with less provocation.

 

So no, people aren't doomed to cheat just because they had more experience in their youth. That is a completely false assumption. All a person has to do to not cheat is to choose not to do it.

 

However someone that has really been there and done that time and time again, will be more likely to get restless, more likely to see the relationship as flawed or broken, more likely to opt out of the relationship and see what else is out there for them as opposed to "working on it" and will have an easier time attracting other lovers.

 

So bottom line is someone with a promiscuous past is definitely not 'doomed' to cheat. They are just more likely to choose to ditch a current relationship once things start to go south and will do it sooner than a low count person.

 

(keep in mind, I am writing in absolute terms to make the point. it's not really anywhere near this cut and dried)

 

I'm glad you realize that the correlation isn't cut and dried.

 

While I have only been married for three years and been with my husband for six, we have had some very difficult times. All it did was bring us closer together. My husband and I have had unemployment, career change, a cancer scare, a tumor removal and a broken left hand from being hit by a car. I'm sure you realize that people have divorced over far less.

 

Guess what? My husband and I are not low count people. We can't be the only couple with high counts, who don't cheat or bail as soon as routine sets in. Both of us take marriage very seriously. Some disgusting types have even tried to entice me into an affair. Even though I had a high count, the thought of being intimate with anyone but my husband makes me sick. I had my fun and when I met my husband, I was ready to end my wild times.

 

I know this is just an anecdote and maybe my marriage is the exception and not the rule. I just thought it would be useful to share my experience.

[Nyla]

We went that route after about 10 years of traditional marriage. (although neither of us were either virgins nor high-count when we married)

 

The thing about swinging is that it is INTRAmarital sex. It occurs within the marital bed as part of the marital sexual dynamic that the couple does together as a couple even though it does involve other people.

 

Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing or whether it has anything to do with the topic at hand... just thought I'd throw that in there for whatever it's worth LOL

 

Swinging may be intramarital, but it often causes even more problems for the married couple.