How to reconnect with the ex

[thora-tiki]

For when you feel ready to reconnect with the ex.

 

I just wanted to share some excerpts from the e-book

the magic of making up, chapter 6:

 

How Do You Feel?

Before you can begin communicating with your ex again, you need to do a check on how you’re feeling. By now you should be feeling a little bit stronger, self-assured, and you should be having some fun.

 

This will really help to dial down the feeling of panic or desperation that you were feeling in the first few days of the breakup. So how are you really feeling right now? This is important, because if you’re feeling desperate you’re not ready to start talking to your ex yet.

 

Your attitude should be that you can live without him or her and that you’re ready to move on. If you’re still having the feelings that you can’t live without this other person, you’re not ready.

 

Why does this matter? Because your ex knows you well. He or she will know if you’re calling out of desperation. When that happens, you’ll immediately lose points with your ex.

 

Instead of seeming more attractive to your ex, you’ll become less and less appealing. So even if you’re really wishing that you could talk to your ex, don’t do it unless you’re in the mindset of moving on.

 

You may think that you can fake it, but when you have a lot of history with someone it’s really hard to fake emotion. Realize that you’re not much of a mystery anymore to your ex. Wait until the time is right.

The First Contact

Okay. You feel like you’re ready. So now it’s time to make a plan to get this person back into your life – and hopefully back into your arms. You’ll need to start with a simple phone call. But the object of the call is really to get this person back into your physical presence only.

 

A short and fun “get together” NOT a date or “I want to talk to you”. Your real objective is just to be seen by him/her, have some fun and to try and ignite a little spark again. If you have done the work on yourself we have discussed, when you meet a “pattern break” usually occurs.

 

You can usually tell because they will act very friendly and different than they had in the past. You seem “new”, exciting, attractive and most importantly they don’t automatically associate the “bad feelings” to your appearance. While you’re going

 

While you’re going to start with a phone call, it’s not just any old phone call. You need to choose how you’re going to approach your ex with thought.

 

Here are some guidelines:

 

- Try to pick a time to call your ex when you predict he or she will have a few moments to talk privately

- Focus on fun – don’t bring up ugly memories from the past

- Prepare to talk about something good in your relationship – a funny or sweet experience

- Keep it pretty short

- Ask your ex to meet you for a specific activity – lunch, coffee, etc. (make it a short occasion.) Lunch is way better than dinner. Your ex may fear that you want to have some long gruelling conversation or confrontation. You can put them at ease by implying that you will only have a half hour or so.

- Dial down any desperate feelings

 

While you’re talking to your ex, you need to make sure and keep things pretty light. Talk to him or her for a few minutes and as soon as you feel like you’ve got your old comfortable rapport going, break out your invitation. You don’t need to beat around the bush – just ask!

 

Be specific about a date, time, and activity or location. You should try to call about a week before you actually want to see him or her. This will give you some time to do a little more prep work before the get together.

 

Voicemail

It’s possible that you’ll get all geared up to make the phone call, and your ex won’t pick up the line. In the days of caller ID, your ex will most likely know that you called. But you shouldn’t leave a message just yet.

 

At this point you may be tempted to call your ex 500 times a day until you get him or her on the phone. This is a very bad idea.

 

Instead call one time and then wait a few days to call again. This may seem incredibly difficult to do when you’re anxious – but your ex will get the message that you’re not desperate.

 

The less desperate you appear to be, the more likely it will be for your ex to pick up the phone. Just seeing your number on the caller ID one time may pique his or her curiosity.

 

Waiting a couple of days to call back will let that curiosity grow. You may even get a call from your ex in response to seeing that you’ve called. If this happens – even better!

 

If you’ve called every couple of days for a week with no response, it’s time to give it a longer break. Keep doing what you’re doing – dating, taking care of you – then try again a few weeks later. Never call more than once a day.

 

If several weeks go by and your ex isn’t responding, it’s time to just let it go. Don’t resort to any other type of communication.

 

Don’t leave a comment on your ex’s my space, send a text message, or type an email. Just let it go.

 

Dating Danger

Don’t try to ask your ex to do anything that might be uncomfortable or intimidating.

 

The following list of things is out of the question:

- A wedding

- A large family gathering

- Long meal

- Movie

- Theatrical performance

- Company party

 

These are all events that are great when you’re dating someone seriously, but when you’re working on returning to your relationship you want to tread lightly. Stick to an activity where the two of you can talk, but where you won’t have to be locked in to a couple of hours together.

 

Something short and simple is best. Doing lunch is a perfect idea. You may also suggest going out for coffee or a drink. Something that seems casual, gives you time to talk, and won’t last very long is what you’re shooting for.

 

Getting a Yes

You’re most likely to get a yes to your date if you’ve planned really carefully before you make the call. If you’ve chosen something really specific and non-threatening you’re chances of your ex accepting are much higher.

 

Getting a No

You may meet with a little apprehension. Like “Uhhh...I really don’t know?” If so...

 

Just kind of chuckle and nonchalantly say “It’s only coffee”... or “only lunch”

 

This most times will turn into “Okay.” It’s possible that in spite of your careful planning, your ex will not agree to go on a date with you. At this point you may be tempted to:

 

- Beg and plead

- Get angry

- Accuse your ex of cheating on you

- Rehash every argument you ever had

- Generally fly off the handle

 

The appropriate response is to gracefully bow out by accepting their no. You can just say, “Alright,” and wish your ex well and then end the conversation. This leaves the door open for future communication. One of two things will then happen.

 

Later on you may receive a call from your ex. It may be that he or she really just needed a little more space before seeing you again. He or she may call you to ask you out – and if you’re still interested you can accept.

 

Believe it or not, you may have already really moved on to a new relationship by the time you hear from your ex again. It’s possible that you’ll be the one who isn’t at all interested in a reconciliation.

 

If you don’t receive a call from your ex, it’s really time to move on. Keep taking care of yourself and continue to date. Don’t keep calling your ex and begging them to see you.

 

This will just make them even less likely to want to spend time with you. Nobody wants to be pressured by a needy person. It may be time to really accept that this relationship is over. But you will live – and you will love again.

 

Preparing for the Date

You may be rejoicing in the acceptance of your date! But don’t get too excited yet – you’ve still got work to do. There are a lot of things you need to do to prepare for this date.

 

Relax

When you start to get stressed, those feelings of neediness may return. Again, you want to keep yourself in “moving on” mode. This means that you have to turn off the part of your brain that is going to put a lot of pressure on you during the date.

 

You must relax and try to focus only on enjoying yourself. If you try to make this date about hashing out your problems and forcing your relationship back together you’ll be making a big mistake.

 

The more pressure you put on your ex at this date, the less likely you’ll be to have another chance. This must be a stress-free, no-pressure get together.

 

During the Date

When you’re actually on the date, it’s critical that you avoid some of the common pitfalls that may make your date miserable instead of bringing you closer together.

 

Avoid Upset

There may be several things you might consider doing once you finally have your ex in your presence. Most of these things should be avoided. Here is an example of some bad strategies that may run through your head:

 

- Spending more than the allotted. hour or1 hour window of time with your ex

- Trying to figure out what went wrong with your relationship while you’re talking to him or her

- Focusing on how hurt and sad you are

- Acting downtrodden and desperate

- Trying to seduce your ex

- Attempting to make them jealous

 

All of these things will only make your problems worse. You must not give in to your desire to do any of these things. The more you try to force things or bring up bad feelings, the less likely you’ll be to have the reconciliation that you want.

 

Keep Things Light

While you’re with your ex, try to just relax and have a good time. You’re not going to spend much time together this first date – and you want to leave your ex wanting more.

 

Try to choose an activity that’s something you both enjoy doing. Also try to avoid talking about your relationship very much. Just have fun talking and doing the things that helped you to fall in love in the first place.

 

If you do talk about anything in your history, make sure it’s something that is a good memory – not a fight or anything having to do with the breakup. If an hour goes by and you wish you could spend more time together, forget about it.

 

It may help to schedule something after the date so that you absolutely must leave before you have too much time together. You want to leave things so that you both want to spend more time together at another time.

 

The Instant Reconnect Technique

This is a psychological tactic that will trigger his/her subconscious into believing that you are back together again.

 

While it is very simple to do, it is extremely powerful. While you are eating or drinking your coffee…slowly reach over to them and do the “imaginary food particle” wipe. Like they have something on their face.

 

This works extremely well because ONLY people that are in some kind of “loving relationship” do that for each other. So you are signalling to their subconscious mind that you are still in a loving relationship. Does that make sense?

 

You can also use if it seems more appropriate:

The Tie Straightener

The imaginary lint or hair on the shirt.

Something in the hair

Eyelash on the cheek

 

The Instant Reconnect Technique has a secondary benefit. You can gauge how well your “get together” is going. If they jump out of their skin or pull away…then you know you still have some work to do. On the other hand, if they SMILE and/or thank you, that is of course – positive! Just one warning, don’t do this minutes after meeting them again. Wait until it seems natural.

 

At the End of the Night

The way your date ends is just as important as how it began. You must work hard to make sure that you leave your date with a good impression – and that you leave him or her wanting more.

 

Ending the Date If you’re both having a great time, it’s time to end the date. This will make it more likely that your ex will want to see you again. However, you shouldn’t end the date by scheduling another. At the end of your time together you can comment on what a nice time you had, how nice it was to see your ex, but then you just have to say goodbye. Don’t arrange another date and time to see your ex.

 

If Your Ex Asks You However, if your ex talks about wanting to see you again and asks you out for a date, it’s perfectly acceptable for you to say yes. You just don’t want to initiate anything. You need to make sure you exude confidence and appear to have really moved on.

 

Tension Rising

It’s possible that on this first date – even though you don’t bring up any relationship problems – your ex will start wanting to discuss the breakup. If this happens, just let your ex say whatever it is they need to say.

 

Don’t get defensive or engage them in this conversation. Just accept what they have to say to you. If you try to change their mind or defend yourself, you’re likely to make the date a miserable experience.

 

You don’t want to do that. Your best option is to simply say “I don’t want to talk about the past…it’s the past... let’s just have some fun.”

And change the subject to something fun.

 

This works. It works a majority of the time. If they continue to press you, they are really just looking for a validation of their feelings.

 

And you can easily say… “I know you may have feelings that are unresolved. I know that. I am not saying we can never discuss them…I am just saying let’s just not do it today.” (you say this with a very compassionate and caring tone.) (Note: If you followed the previous instructions about limiting the time frame of your get together…these conversations generally do NOT come up.)»

[btyoung21]

The master has spoken..

 

Very good reference for those who wish to reconnect. I strongly urge you to give this thread a couple of minutes before you plan out your 'comeback'. I have integrated parts of Thora's guide into my own plan and I believe this gives me the strongest chance in getting my ex back.

 

I was so lost the first couple of weeks from the break-up. Panic set in, I turned into a desperate, grovelling and hopeless soul. I was guided by Thora on how to use NC to strengthen myself and create much needed space between us. Now, I have planned out a short-term action plan (2 months) and I am excited to carry it out.

 

This guide has definitely transformed my outlook and my game. I like my chances, all I have to do now is wait for my time and continually evolve myself (physically, emotionally and mentally).

 

Thank you so much Thora-Tiki! See you in the Batcave!!

 

And yeah; my ex told me last week that I had some dirt on my coat.. Whether that was real or not. It screams Instant Reconnect Technique (stated above). Hahaha!

[Sugarkane]

I've got a question- what if you get completely ignored?

[btyoung21]

I've got a question- what if you get completely ignored?

 

Then carry on with your life. If you get ignored, then they have probably zero interest in meeting/seeing you again. That's also one of my fears coming in, but that's why you create the best plan possible, to lessen those chances of getting ignored.

 

There's so much you can really do to be honest, whether you approach it in a stoic manner or with a tinge of romance. It all depends on the other party; whether they have even enough 'curiosity' to accept your reconnect meet-up.

 

Right now, I'm continually working and improving my plan till the said date comes. I know I'll be ready.

[Sugarkane]

Totally true. But also why does The dumper never regret it, when they're in the wrong, screwed you over and act like a Ahole?

[treebag]

Does this stuff ever actually work? I guess it depends how or why the breakup occured, but I'm skeptical.

[btyoung21]

Nothing is ever a sure thing when it comes to the matters of the heart; that is something we ALL know.

 

If anything, even just to your own psyche, it gives you a semblance of structure and direction on how to approach your ex. The side effects are; healing faster and being more confident. As opposed to; bumbling like a desperate fool trying all sorts of antics to get her back.

 

Call me delusional? Maybe this is false confidence on my side, but ever since I've applied this plan, things started to cool down to the point that we could talk normally without shouting or arguing. To me, that is some progress.

 

Picture this; you are in a fight with a grizzly bear, I'd rather be armed with a 5-inch blade than NOTHING at all. If anything will give me a fighting chance, I'll take it, but still welcoming the thought of possible death/failure.

 

Reflect (No Contact) + Plan (With the help of others) + Execute (All on you)

[btyoung21]

Totally true. But also why does The dumper never regret it, when they're in the wrong, screwed you over and act like a Ahole?

 

Sugarkane,

 

I think it's the pride of the dumper, wanting to justify their own decision to leave you. They get stubborn with their choice and will do all necessary things to tell themselves 'they did the right thing'.

 

A bit of creativity, patience, concern, space, time and persistence will eventually make them realize their mistake. Or at least this is what I've set out to achieve. My ex cannot put on her 'brave-face or poker-face' for long, you'll sense this eventually.

 

If nothing works, then lets move along right? But if you do plan to get someone back, I think it's worth planning smartly and carefully about it and Thora's guide gives me that capability.

[thora-tiki]

Hi, buddy!

 

Thank you for the support!

 

Yes, I'll see you in the no contact Batcave!

 

Bahaha!

[thora-tiki]

You wrote:

I've got a question- what if you get completely ignored?

 

-- As far as I know, the reconnect call should be to get a yes or a no to a short get together, you take their emotional temperature with the call. If they totally ignore you (you mean don't pick up, right?)

that means:

 

A) Ex is not ready, you broke no contact too soon. Go back to no contact and try again later.

Or

B) Like stated above:

Later on you may receive a call from your ex. It may be that he or she really just needed a little more space before seeing you again. He or she may call you to ask you out – and if you’re still interested you can accept.

 

Also, if you have done no contact for months, and stayed a mystery to the ex, chances are they will say yes, because you seem different and new.

 

You wrote:

Totally true. But also why does The dumper never regret it, when they're in the wrong, screwed you over and act like a Ahole?

 

-- These are the negative feelings you will work out during no contact and your personal evolution.

 

The exes take longer to evolve, that is the name of the game.

If they are stubborn, they take even longer to evolve.

 

Stubborn people always have to be right. People who are never wrong, never learn, and they never change, and they are never happy.

 

But, they are always right - at least in their own mind.

 

As long as you don't give up - you will succeed.

You will get your life back with or without your ex.

 

You can't make your ex come back.

And you shouldn't feel that you have to have your ex back either.

 

I believe once you have your life back, and are moving on from the past, your ex will come back - if they want to.

 

Focus on yourself, and the rest will fall into place.

[thora-tiki]

You ask:

Does this stuff ever actually work? I guess it depends how or why the breakup occured, but I'm skeptical.

 

-- I have 7 different break up buddies, btyoung21, is one of them, all the break ups were messy, for two of them, this was the second break up, for one it was the forth break up, always the ex that broke up.

 

Out of those 7 break up buddies, 3 of them have reconnected with the ex, and they have used this how to reconnect with the ex (above).

 

Within minutes of the short get together (almost immediately after sitting down at the coffee shop), all the exes started to apologise and beg for forgiveness.

 

One ex broke down, apologising, when my break up buddy told him, «right, I had a great time, but I have to go», after 40 minutes - she had cinema tickets. Smart of her to arrange something after the short get together, she made sure that she wouldn't use more than the allotted time.

 

All my break up buddies stayed calm, and said something in the lines of what is suggested (above), and ended it with: It's the past, let's talk about something fun.

 

I know this works, but it only worked because my break up buddies were ready.

 

And they had a break up buddy (me) to support them every step of the way.

 

My break up buddies are no contact warriors (and reconnect badas*es)!

[thora-tiki]

You have to have an iron will when you reconnect.

 

No contact is a fu*king roller coaster.

But reconnect is a fu*king merry go 'round from hell.

 

I know this because I have supported three break up buddies through reconnect, two of them decided not to take the ex back, since the ex had not evolved. One buddy is now in a new relationship with her ex, now her boyfriend. From the break up to boyfriend again, it took 7 months.

 

So you have to really commit to this no contact, and make a plan for what to do when you are in no contact and when you reconnect.

 

If the ex has not evolved past the old failed relationship, he will bring it up (break up, old arguments, wah wah wah) again and again to fight if he/she's with you.

 

No contact is easy, compared to reconnect.

What have you been doing since the break up - in your no contact period - to evolve past the old failed relationship?

- Have you been working on you, your body and mind?

- Dating

- Going out and having fun

- Spending time with friends and family, and not just to vent about the ex

- Enjoyed being single

- Etc.

 

You have to get to a point where you understand that the break up was the best thing for you and your ex.

 

Yes, as in the best thing that could have happened.

 

The old failed relationship needed this break,

so that you two can evolve past the reason it ended in the first place / all the past sh*t.

 

If you get all shaky, nervous, desperate about the call, then don't do it.

 

Just means you are not ready.

If you are not ready:

Don't think about reconnecting with the ex.

Where do I begin?!

 

It is one of those things that gets easier the less you desire something.

 

Don't think about the ex - its hard, believe me, I know - but its a definite must. You must concentrate on yourself - even if you want to reconnect, focus on YOU.

 

Honestly, if not you will drive yourself into a chaotic cycle, a place where you really don't want to end up.

 

Don't let the fear of him/her losing interest because you are using no contact break your spirit. Keep up the good fight (for your life) and be proud that you have control now.

 

Make no bones about it, this is a fu*king war plain and simple -

fight like your life depends on it.

[thora-tiki]

From the magic of making up, part deux:

«Talking About Being Together

 

If you’ve been dating again for a few months, you may feel like it’s time to actually talk about whether or not you’re going to get back together. Even if you’re behaving like you’re back together, you still need to have an official conversation about it.

 

Just like you’ve been working to keep things light, you need to continue that pattern when you’re getting ready to ask your ex about a more permanent reconciliation. It’s also a good idea to continue letting your ex take the lead. You can ask questions and test the waters.

 

For example, you can say, “Didn’t we make a great couple?” This kind of question allows you to see how your ex is really feeling about the time you’ve been spending together. Is it just casual or was your ex thinking that this was going down the road of reconciliation?

 

Once you’ve asked the question, leave it hanging out there until your ex answers it. Sure, there may be some uncomfortable silence, but you can deal with that – you’ve been handling that well for months now.

 

Let your ex do the talking. He or she will either agree that yes you did make a good couple. You may also get the answer that you’re ex isn’t interested. If you get a positive response, then ask your ex if he or she wants to get back together. Again, patiently await the response.

 

If Your Date Goes All Wrong

 

It’s possible that you’ll begin dating again to find that you have the same old problems all over again. This may mean that it’s really time to move on with life. What are you holding on to?

You may want to repeat the steps from the beginning:

- Take a break

- Take care of yourself

- Make initial contact again

- Another first date

 

It may be that it was too soon for you two to try again. It also may mean that this just isn’t the right relationship for you in the first place. You’ll have to trust your instincts. However, if you have to repeat this process more than once, chances are you need to reevaluate.

 

Do you keep putting yourself in this position because you feel like you need to be in this relationship? Are you giving in to feelings of panic and desperation? If this is happening, it’s time to really move on.

 

Reunited and It Feels So Good

 

If you got the positive response you’ve been waiting for all this time – congratulations! It was well worth the months of effort that you put into planning and preparing.

 

You’re now on the road to a true partnership. But your journey isn’t over yet! In fact, there’s still plenty of work to be done. The reasons for your original breakup can still rear their ugly heads.

 

So take a little time to enjoy the fact that you’re back together. But after you’ve had a breath, it’s time to work on how you’re going to keep your love alive.

 

Movin’ On

 

After all your months of courting and working on yourself, you may still get the answer you’ve dreaded – you’re not getting back together. If your ex flat out tells you that he or she has had fun, but isn’t interested in getting together for a committed relationship it’s time to cut your losses.

 

You could spend your entire life going through cycles of trying to get back together.

 

But the truth is that relationships shouldn’t be this hard to keep together. Sure they all require work, but when you get rejected over and over again it’s time to scrape together your self-respect and move on.»

[conf]

According to this guide the person who makes effort is the dumpee!!!!! It seems weird. What about the dumper?? He choosed to leave. He has to decide if he wants the dumpee back. In my opinion after the break up the dumpee has to respect dumper's decision although it is very difficult and move on because the ball is not on his court. The ball will be on his court only if the dumper chooses it...

[BC1980]

The dumper would have to make an effort too. I don't think it means to keep calling someone to go out with you. In fact, I think it argues against that. If you have correctly used NC to better yourself, you shouldn't be in a position where you are worried about doing all the work.

[Mariposa10]

Do you guys think this method also applies for those who got the GIG syndrome?

 

I have my doubts about that, would love to hear some feedback from you guys.

[thora-tiki]

Life is strange, cruel, and totally aggravating and sometimes confusing, but if you stay true to yourself,

you will find the path that is right for you - but, that takes time.

Because you know that the ex will only evolve if the ex has to,

you will both evolve if you have to,

so you must stick to no contact for as long as it takes.

 

If you still want to start a new relationship with your ex after no contact:

Have faith that no contact will show you his/her true colours.

Have faith in no contact. That it will make you stronger.

It will also make the ex stronger.

 

Let the ex have this time to evolve.

 

Use this time of your life to get YOU back.

 

I am following a plan, that is only about me:

evolve, heal, getting me back, let go of the old failed relationship,

then move on or get ready to reconnect.

 

The carrot on the end of the stick is reconnect.

 

I saw a lot of people having trouble reconnecting, or even using precious time to worry about reconnect

instead of using this time to evolve, so I figured this thread would come in handy for the ones that are ready to reconnect.

 

The reconnect will work better if both parties are evolved.

 

Evolution means that you have moved past your old failed relationship to the point where you are not dependent on the ex any more.

 

It doesn't mean you can't love the ex - but it does mean that you realise you could live your life without the ex.

 

The only thing you're going to lose is your connection to the old way you two were together -

just before, and after the break up.

 

You must let the old relationship go (evolve), and prepare for a new chance with the ex, or a new love, in a new relationship.

 

If this is ever going to work with our exes, it has got to be a new relationship, with fresh new perspectives, and attitudes.

Anyone can get their ex back, but for how long, and will they be happy?

 

If you have evolved and the ex stayed the same. Or even gotten worse.

Then you probably won't want the ex back anyway.

 

What you don't want is to continue the old failed relationship, you know, the one that ended.

 

You want to start a new relationship with someone.

 

Getting back with an un-evolved ex, means that all the old problems will pop-up. Booh!

 

If you’re really serious about «getting your ex back» this is the last thing you want.

 

Your old failed relationship is where the big fight, or mistake happened.

Let’s bury that fu*ker using no contact, learn from your mistakes, and come back healed (this should take some time),

and ready for a fresh start with someone new or someone you used to date (ex).

 

It is not «just you» or «just the ex» that needs to evolve to reconnect.


You both need to be ready, evolved and learned from your mistakes.

 

In order to get there, you need to realise that you can to live without your ex,

and prove it by not worrying about what the ex is doing or thinking of when to reconnect.

We all have some evolving to do.

 

You can only start over so many times, before it's over for good.

 

Emotional control is key to success* - remember that while you're in no contact

 

*Success is getting YOU back - this is usually when the ex comes sniffing around,

when you have completely let go/moved on.

 

Idiot ex. Hah!

 

You don't have to reconnect with your idiot ex to be successful*, and people who feel that way usually fail - big time!

 

If we have rushed no contact, we are back in the same old failed relationship =

another go at a dying relationship involving the same two un-evolved people.

 

So let's take our time focusing on us, start thinking and working on YOU! Yes, sounds exiting, right?

 

And stop worrying about the ex moving on.

 

Que sera, sera... whatever will be, will be...

[BC1980]

Do you guys think this method also applies for those who got the GIG syndrome?

 

I have my doubts about that, would love to hear some feedback from you guys.

 

I personally don't put much stock in GIGS. I think all relationships end because one party thought the grass was greener without their boy/girlfriend.