space..time=get her back??

[Puma]

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after readin some of the help and suggestions given by some of you. to others...i feel it would help me if someone could help me out with thier advice as well, and would very much appreciate it.

 

they say love is for the strong..i finally realize why that is so. love is pain, love is joy, love hurts, love heals, love is peace, love is coherent yet unstable, but in the end love takes you to the same direction, that person.

 

with that in mind, my situation: im 21 soon to be 22, my ex now is 19. we live an hr away from each other, but the distance is not an issue as we always see each other on the wkds. we were together for 4 mths, u may think that is not much, but ive always believed love cant be captured in length of time of a relationship..but the quality of it. i also now believe that one does not fall in or out of love..but grow in love. grow as people, as individuals, and therfore..as a couple. the whole duration of my relationship was great..i knew and still feel that she is the one. i believe in divine reason for certain things that happen to us..and i felt that God put us in each others paths at the right points in our lives. we both have had our past affect us in terms of bad relationships..and becasue of that, recognized what we had in each other. she was used to meeting jerks and guys that cheated..i was used to meeting girls that would take advantage of my sincerity and kindness. we both are who we are because of our pasts..and i can only thank our pasts because of it, because i wouldnt be able to realize the value of such. however i feel that her past might have more at hand of her decision to the break up. i feel she might have gotten a lil scared that she was gettin serious with me..and at a fairly early age and point in her life.

 

now this is what happened: our relationship was GREAT, we had fun, enjoyed each other, and if we had any of few diagreements (not fights) we would tlak things out and be laughin in no time. but in two weeks things kinda got rocky. i felt she was distancing herself emotionally from me almost. she wasnt as affectionate as usual, and things seemed to be more casual. she had said that school and work were stressin her out more than she thought she could handle..she had to even drop a class to make more time for other classes and work. i reccomended her to drop the class but didnt push it cause she is too pridful to give up or admit she cant do somethin on her own. she felt good after taht decision and i noticed she became relieved and more joyful. but as the weeks progressed she was stressed with midterms and work again and i felt sorry for her to see ehr that way so i would support her and let her know i ws there for any help.

 

well the jist of things happened when she came for halloween and we had a disagreement and she told me that she felt suffocated by me and by being in a relationship..of course that hurt me, as everything was good between us. i told her that it sounds liek she doesnt even want a bf..she replied "i want you". she said she jsut needed me to understand taht and that she needs some space. we talked and things were good again and we were good that whole wkd. durin the week, we talked but not that much cause i wanted to respect what she said and not jeapordize anything. well, come friday, i had a pretty bad arguement with my mom over my dad and them gettin a divorce..so i didnt eel liek bein home or at school so i took off to see my gf for soem comfort. i didnt tell ehr i ws goin cause it was a last minute thing...when ur sad and feel a lil sick in the stomach, you want to see that person you love so i did. she was not home so i had to wait awhiel till she finally got there then i followed and knocked on the door. she didnt seem to please to see me :/ i went in for a kiss and she gave her cheeck! i knew soemthin was up....

 

The breakup: she asked what i was doin there..i explained..and she said she wasnt even gonna be there and that i shouldve called and not jsut show up like that. perhaps true..but what is a surprise if the other person knows?? anyways she didnt talk to me at all right away..and once i got her to talk..she let it all out on me. she said that i didnt listen to her the other night (halloween) about her and the space, and what she had said. i told her i did but taht due to me and my mom fightin..i couldnt be home and needed to see her, she said she understood but still. she then went on to tell me taht shes young and wants to have fun..figure thing sout for herself as i did her age, and she feels she cant be what i expect of her..which i told her i expect her onlyto be herself. she said it hurts her but she needs space and time to herself, to get her life striaght, to do well in school and work, and to have fun with her friends. i dont understand how one can ask for more space..when we only saw each other on the wkds? she said it was becasue that was the only free time she even had..and even then she still had to do hw on the wkds. i understood her and agreed and said that maybe time would be good, for her to realize what she has in me also. she cried and gave me a hug and then we left it at that and didnt realy finish the talk cause her best friend got there.

 

SO: we all went out to the movies..she grabbed my hand, when we went to sleep..she pulled me in closer and got my arms to wrap aroudn her and we fell asleep liek that. why the mixed messages i dont get it? the next day we went to stay at her parents house and even there she was callin me affectionate names..it led me to believe she recognized she was talkin out of anger the night b4 and regreted her decision. BUT on sunday we went back to her place and then she was casual towards me..so i left ehr to study before she kicked me out haha..and i departed. and i havent talked to her since that night when she imed me at night to talk a bit..i asked her what the situation was and she seemed to get frustrated so i dropped it and then thats that...its been a week and two days now since hearin from her and i feel hurt, and confused. is there any chance still? if she loved me liek she said she did..then it cant all go away in a few days..what can i do to get her back, cause i know she is the one for me PLEASE HELP

[Puma]

feel free to reply and help me please!! i know it looks like i wrote long..but if you a good reader it should go quickly THAnKS

[Scott S]

Hi!

 

Sorry to hear you’re going through this.

 

You’re right, there is no specific “time-frame” in which love develops. Indeed, quality is more important than quantity. BUT…love, and I mean love, not attraction, grows out of friendship. How long that takes depends on the couple, but be assured it is neither instant nor spontaneous.

 

You are both quite young, especially her. At that age, mixed feelings about love & relationships are not at all unusual. Add in factors such as distance, school/career pressures, etc. & it quickly becomes overwhelming. If she feels smothered or suffocated, it’s not necessarily you alone. Rather, you’re a part of the larger picture.

 

When someone is going through things like that, it’s hard to think clearly because so much is happening so close. Everything in her life clamors for attention. School, work, family, friends, a boyfriend. And everyone thinks they are a number one priority. That’s when she tells you she “needs space.” And when you try to get closer, or start acting needy & insecure, this comes across as (among other things) being inconsiderate or indifferent to her needs & feelings. Naturally, she resents this, & pushes you away. Persist, & you risk alienating her permanently.

 

As painful as it may seem, at her age it is entirely possible (and reasonable) for her to not be ready for a relationship. Obviously doing well in school is very important, & unfortunately for many that means the time is simply not right for a romance.

 

So at this point, you really need to be more considerate, & give her a little more space. That does not mean ignore her, of course. But it would do you well to cultivate other friendships & interests. You need to learn to be a good friend before you can be a good boyfriend.

 

Take Care

[Puma]

thanks scott!! i totally agree and understand what you advised me. i was thinkin bout that..and i know she goin through tough times and for her age that is overwhelming..actualy for any age taht can be overwhelming. its weird cause she had made it a clear point for me to understand "friends are important, and she wants me to understand that us being friends is as important to her as being her bf"..thats the beauty of a relationship, if you are freinds then you have much more goin into the whole perspective of things than just passion. i agree and respect that. its also been about weeek and a half since we have talked..i did the whole no contact thing...today i actually got a text message from her!! now i just have to play coo and be confident, happy, and let her think things out for herself right?

[Scott S]

Originally posted by Puma

its also been about weeek and a half since we have talked..i did the whole no contact thing...today i actually got a text message from her!! now i just have to play coo and be confident, happy, and let her think things out for herself right?

 

I'm glad to hear it. Not as glad as you were, I'm sure.

 

You're right. Remain calm & confident. Which, incidentally, does not mean acting like a jerk. While you perhaps should not drop everything & reply immediately, you also should not ignore her for 2 weeks either.

 

Sometime tomorrow, perhaps, call, e-mail or text her, ask how she's doing, how are classes going, etc. Just light, small talk. Do not go into a tirade about being heartbroken, life is meaningless, etc. You wouldn't want to make yourself look like a mental case, now, would you?

[Puma]

yeah i know!!! its good though..i really did get happy and i know..i didnt reply back yet cause i dont want to be at her convenience. if there is one thing i know..its that women love a lil mystery in a man..keeps their interest level high and thats what its about cause if they know you to the poin that it becomes predeictable, they bore away. thanks again and i will keep posted on the progress of things whichever way they may go

 

and this is a quote i recommend to everyone to consider and apply to their relationships : "and stand together, yet not too near together. for the pillars of the temple stand apart"

if anyone doesnt understand that..then ask me!

[Scott S]

Just avoid getting into a "Mind Games" mentaility.

[Puma]

i know..as it is i think games are a bit too childish especially when applied to try to affect someones feelings. GAMES are just taht! Games! i dont think its fair for anyone to use them..and its usually not genuine cause the feelings or tactics being used are meant to try to influence a form of behavior or response. mind games do suck.but sometimes it may be inevitable for our minds to play games on its own. the power of the mind is incredible!! learn to use it wisely for well being and it will benefit eveyone of us.