Is it possible to maintain a friendship with the person you had an affair with...post

[bambiwboone]

My whole affair story has been crazy and most I've shared. But no matter how hard his wife ir ny husband pushes we still end up talking here or there. Sure hss been a bit nutty but that's him. Two weeks ago he showed up at a bar I was at alone we ended up talking outside for am hour. Mainly bickering and him doing allot of apolagizing. But it ended bad. Two weeks after that I messaged him. We got to talking and I asked him if he wanted to be friends ...he told me we could try. For some reason we know we are done. But for some reason can't let it go completely. The problem lays to b friends we hv to keep it secret..but I don't think that's cheating. Are we messed up in the head what should we do.

Edited September 6, 2013 by bambiwboone

[carhill]

Think about how things are with your platonic male and female friends. Compare.

 

I would say that there's a chance, if you're unattached to the present partner(s) relevant to the affair and no longer have any romantic and/or sexual interest in each other. If any aspect of this is missing, IMO a healthy platonic relationship is impossible.

[Feb]

My whole affair story has been crazy and most I've shared. But no matter how hard his wife ir ny husband pushes we still end up talking here or there. Sure hss been a bit nutty but that's him. Two weeks ago he showed up at a bar I was at alone we ended up talking outside for am hour. Mainly bickering and him doing allot of apolagizing. But it ended bad. Two weeks after that I messaged him. We got to talking and I asked him if he wanted to be friends ...he told me we could try. For some reason we know we are done. But for some reason can't let it go completely. The problem lays to b friends we hv to keep it secret..but I don't think that's cheating. Are we messed up in the head what should we do.

 

A small percentage of people in A's have managed to be friends, but for the vast majority of us it's not possible (or at least not healthy). In your case in particular, you cannot and should not be friends, and here is why:

 

 

-Your H would not appreciate you being friends; you need to respect his wishes and work on your M

-His W would not appreciate your friendship; you and xAP need to respect her wishes.

-Your "friendly" conversation at the bar was obviously emotionally charged. There is still a lot of emotion and feelings that are not normal in a friendship.

-If your friendship needs to remain a secret, it's not a friendship -- it's an EA.

-Further contact in your "friendship" will stop both of you for healing from the A and working on your marriages.

 

 

You're not messed up in the head, but you are making a mistake. I know you'll say, "I hate to lose my friend. We just clicked!". Too bad, that's the consequence of an affair. I lost my friend too, but it allowed me to move on and focus on my M, and healthy relationships with real friends. You need to go true NC. No messaging. If you see him in a bar, leave and go to another bar.

[cif]

I'm contemplating being friends with my ex too. The problem is how to keep it platonic.

[MissBee]

My whole affair story has been crazy and most I've shared. But no matter how hard his wife ir ny husband pushes we still end up talking here or there. Sure hss been a bit nutty but that's him. Two weeks ago he showed up at a bar I was at alone we ended up talking outside for am hour. Mainly bickering and him doing allot of apolagizing. But it ended bad. Two weeks after that I messaged him. We got to talking and I asked him if he wanted to be friends ...he told me we could try. For some reason we know we are done. But for some reason can't let it go completely. The problem lays to b friends we hv to keep it secret..but I don't think that's cheating. Are we messed up in the head what should we do.

 

If you have to be secret friends something is wrong. Normal friendships are not secret.

 

No, you generally cannot be friends with your former affair partner, esp if you both continue to be married.

 

 

Single people often don't remain friends, even though many try with futility in the early stages of a break up, much less affair partners.

[Feb]

I'm contemplating being friends with my ex too. The problem is how to keep it platonic.

See my post above. People who want to remain friends need to think long and hard about WHY they want to maintain the friendship. 95% of the time it's about keeping the connection alive...which means you'll still be emotionally involved.

 

I'm not just lecturing, but speaking from experience. I tried going the friends route as well, with lots of justification: "We were such good friends before", "We get along so well and have so much on common". Honestly underlying that was an attraction, addiction that still remained as friends, and we ended up in a PA / EA again with daily phone calls.

 

 

When we went true NC the second time, it forced me to look at the situation objectively. I didn't need him as a friend, nor did he need me. Very rarely are there legitimate reasons to remain friends.

[whatatangledweb]

If you have to keep it a secret from your spouses you are still betraying them.

[zevahc]

I agree with a few of the posts on here...remaining friends and it having to remain a secret just feels bad. That's one thing I never wanted. We had no dday, but if we were to somehow become friends I wanted her H to know also strangely...but I also wanted to get to a point where I could be okay with just that...and be platonic...none of these things are or were solved...so I would say there is a very very slim and rare chance..but maybe it's possible...with no DDAY, and no more feelings. Is it right...well, I can't answer that..there were still inappropriate actions that took place. Would I do it if I could (and didn't have feelings)...probably would. But then again, if there were not feelings I don't think I would want the friendship so badly. It's all called "bargaining" in my opinion...the more I look at myself under a microscope.

 

My love and feelings are real..anything outside of a totally committed relationship is less than what I want...and I think unfair to her, her H and myself...to try this dance.

[Dog Woman]

OP In answer to your original question - if you are keeping your relationship a secret from your respective spouses, then you are still having an affair, even if this is not physical.

 

From experience, it is difficult and impossible to just be friends because of the emotional attachment and the 'friendship' (even if you are open with your respective spouses) can easily turn back into an affair. In my situation - my ex MM still kept asking me to meet up for sex, even though I said I just wanted to be friends and nothing else. To keep the relationship platonic was impossible and so I decided it was best to go NC.

 

However, the nature of our common hobby (how we met) means we will come into contact with eachother on occasions so I have decided upon a strategy to manage any encounters. If I do see him I plan to to keep any conversation civil, brief and not get into any deep discussions with him and not give him any signals that might indicate that I am interested in him. Basically, I will just pass the time of day with him.

 

Some of my friends my ex husband and ex MM's wife know that ex MM was one of my acquaintances so unless we start flirting etc, none of our mutual contacts or his wife will suspect that there has been an A and we have ended it. They should just see we appear to still be acquaintances.

Edited September 6, 2013 by Dog Woman

[Daisy2013]

We couldn't. And we were long time friends beforehand. The feelings of hurt kept popping up and he was still being selfish in the friend zone. So I cut contact to heal myself. Unfortunately, I have to see him a couple of times per week, but I pretend I don't see him. We are one month in friend zone, 7 days NC that I initiated. I just quit answering his calls and he didn't push it or fight for me. I guess I wasn't much of a friend for him after all.

[Dog Woman]

We couldn't. And we were long time friends beforehand. The feelings of hurt kept popping up and he was still being selfish in the friend zone. So I cut contact to heal myself. Unfortunately, I have to see him a couple of times per week, but I pretend I don't see him. We are one month in friend zone, 7 days NC that I initiated. I just quit answering his calls and he didn't push it or fight for me. I guess I wasn't much of a friend for him after all.

 

Sadly, we are all too often play toys. Like you I needed to just cut the contact and haven't contacted him but for a slightly different reason - it couldnt continue with him still being married and not wanting to leave his wife. My ex MM still gets in touch by text and have ignored his texts where he has flirted, paid compliments or tried to make me jealous, asked me how I am. He obviously still wants me in his life. I have responded to a couple of his texts where they are just general but kept them brief, civil and didn't get into any conversation with him as such. I basically acknowledged them but said I hadnt time to chat as I was doing other things. We will come into contact again. I'm not bitter or think bad about my exMM, it just there was no chance we would ever be a couple.

Edited September 7, 2013 by Dog Woman

[solostand]

My position is absolutely not! Nor should you try.

 

Unfortunately, I have had two affairs with MM. The second one is still going on. I found it weird that BOTH insisted "no matter what happens, we ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE FRIENDS". I value your friendship and we will be best friends forever.

 

Hah. The first one blew up with a disastrous D-Day and he was forbidden to speak to me ever again.

 

This time around, the MM I am involved with had an attack of guilt several months ago and asked to end the sexual part of our relationship but do EVERYHING ELSE exactly the same - five phone calls a day, long drives in the country, seeing each other every day.

 

I said NO WAY!!!! That's even more than cake-eating - that's cruel cake-eating!

 

It didn't matter in the long run because the next day after a few tears on both our parts we were right back at it like bunnies.

[hermione08]

Bad idea, awful. You will always chemistry with this person, so what's the point of pretending to be friends???

[legalgirl]

I say no. Always that desire to be more than friends. Its too risky.

[psm04]

I thought that me and xOMM could be the exception and remain friends, but with each time we tried to do that, it was very difficult for me, and we ended up with either an EA or that combined with the PA.

 

Now that everything is over, I've realized that the best thing to do is keep my distance. If I run into him at work or if we go out with coworkers after work, I'll talk to him like he is an acquaintance. But being friends just isn't possible at this time. It will only be a matter of time before there is a holiday or a birthday, and I end up feeling like crap. I could never compartmentalize as well as him.

[zevahc]

I thought that me and xOMM could be the exception and remain friends, but with each time we tried to do that, it was very difficult for me, and we ended up with either an EA or that combined with the PA.

 

Now that everything is over, I've realized that the best thing to do is keep my distance. If I run into him at work or if we go out with coworkers after work, I'll talk to him like he is an acquaintance. But being friends just isn't possible at this time. It will only be a matter of time before there is a holiday or a birthday, and I end up feeling like crap. I could never compartmentalize as well as him.

 

This is the same way I feel like xMW is...she compartmentalize and cake eats...and I just can't do it...I'm single...she has a BS...so we don't share the same perspective or pains. I feel for you psm04

[psm04]

This is the same way I feel like xMW is...she compartmentalize and cake eats...and I just can't do it...I'm single...she has a BS...so we don't share the same perspective or pains. I feel for you psm04

 

I'm married too, but I couldn't cake eat or compartmentalize. It was exhausting. I wanted to address the issues in my marriage, and not escape from them. He just wanted it all. It was so annoying to know that I was making him be in a better mood at home (especially if we were making plans to talk that night or something), at the expense of my feelings and sanity. I remember one night, he got online, and started bragging about this awesome meal that he had cooked that night, and I was just disgusted by it. Like I was his little buddy hearing about his awesome dinner that everyone loved, when I was wishing that he would have cooked for me.

[Daisy2013]

I say no, it's very difficult. At least it is at a little more than 1 month out of not hanging out together. But ex-AP called saying we're friends and he cares about me and that he thinks of me often, running the gamut of just thinking of me and then about "other things" and has his memories of us that he will always carry. So, if you put it into perspective and don't "go there" and remember you are just friends, then maybe it could. But, you really have to adjust your thinking. It is difficult to not ask him for more.

[ConcreteHeart]

I am going to say no. You can't be friends with your exAP. I have attempted to do that with the MM and it has proven to be terribly difficult. I would initiate "coffee" dates as "friends" and he would always find a reason to cancel or postpone. It was very hurtful and I was not picking up on his avoiding behaviours because I want so much to see him.

 

There was always some reason why he was too busy, or that something came up I was beginning to feel worse and worse about myself. Needy, controlling and worthless. He kept leading me along because he wanted me to be in his life somehow, but go back to his wife and family. It came down to a choice, simply me or him. What I wanted and how I wanted to feel about myself became more important than keeping a psuedo friendship.

 

Right now, until I no longer feel anything for him. I can not entertain the thought of being anything other than someone he used to know.

[Daisy2013]

Mine tells me I'm his friend (always emphasizes the word "friend") and that he will always have his memories of us and that I'm special to him. I'm not really sure what this means and if it can last. Since he made contact, it's worse on me than when I wasn't talking to him.

 

So, I have said no, and am trying, but am not sure.

[ConcreteHeart]

Daisy, please try to stop. The only reason he is trying to be friends with you is because he either feels sorry for you, doesn't want to look like "the bad guy" or is expecting that if things go south again in his marriage that you will be there waiting for him. Either way, it is not love or friendship.

 

The hard part for me was thinking that with time he would soften and begin to want a more intimate friendship. To share his feelings again like he did. That is never going to happen. I'm not sure if he really ever loved me, and I'm beginning to realize that I didn't really love him, just the way he made me feel. He no longer makes me feel that way, so why stay?

[bambiwboone]

Well, things have went okay so far. The first week was strange. I wasn't sure how a normal friendship should be between us, as we had a d day and it was horrid. Then we had flare ups of contact about three times that were equally explosive involving our spouses. So I wasn't sure if we were going to be friends, as in waving when we drive by eachother. No more hate, anger, and letting it all go. Or real friends. But it turns out we have been really getting along well. I am unsure if this is bad or good....sometimes I believes we are both unhealthly attatched to eachother. We messaged all day to eachother AGAIN ( like before d day) while we are at work. And at first he was very short and like many have mentioned, I felt like he was a ****ty friend. He kept his foot in the door but didn't give anything in return for what I put in it. So I told him it was to soon and to much. I fought to hard to be his friend, and I could not keep fighting anymore, it is exhausting. And he changed. He messages me non stop all day. Messages in my in box when I wake up. I don't get him. He has went from "just friends" nothing more. To making comments about how i'm looking good. To asking who i'm with, what i'm doing, making little jealous comments, really only a significant other would do. One night he was talking about how confused he was . But wouldn't' elaborate on what and I didn't push. I'm trying to avoid these kinds of conversations. Keep in mind, we haven't seen eachother in person for a couple weeks and that was a brief outdoor conversation. He's always very panicky about making sure he lets me know he will talk to me again, and making sure I will talk to him again. I genuinely feel ( and trust me this isn't my first round with this man on this , I know when he's being a ******* or being sincere) he has some second thoughts going on. The wheels are turning in his head. But i'm not sure i'm wanting that anymore. I'm happy with the progress I have made and where i'm going with my at home life. I just wanted to be friendly. I don't know what to do:(

[psm04]

Well, things have went okay so far. The first week was strange. I wasn't sure how a normal friendship should be between us, as we had a d day and it was horrid. Then we had flare ups of contact about three times that were equally explosive involving our spouses. So I wasn't sure if we were going to be friends, as in waving when we drive by eachother. No more hate, anger, and letting it all go. Or real friends. But it turns out we have been really getting along well. I am unsure if this is bad or good....sometimes I believes we are both unhealthly attatched to eachother. We messaged all day to eachother AGAIN ( like before d day) while we are at work. And at first he was very short and like many have mentioned, I felt like he was a ****ty friend. He kept his foot in the door but didn't give anything in return for what I put in it. So I told him it was to soon and to much. I fought to hard to be his friend, and I could not keep fighting anymore, it is exhausting. And he changed. He messages me non stop all day. Messages in my in box when I wake up. I don't get him. He has went from "just friends" nothing more. To making comments about how i'm looking good. To asking who i'm with, what i'm doing, making little jealous comments, really only a significant other would do. One night he was talking about how confused he was . But wouldn't' elaborate on what and I didn't push. I'm trying to avoid these kinds of conversations. Keep in mind, we haven't seen eachother in person for a couple weeks and that was a brief outdoor conversation. He's always very panicky about making sure he lets me know he will talk to me again, and making sure I will talk to him again. I genuinely feel ( and trust me this isn't my first round with this man on this , I know when he's being a ******* or being sincere) he has some second thoughts going on. The wheels are turning in his head. But i'm not sure i'm wanting that anymore. I'm happy with the progress I have made and where i'm going with my at home life. I just wanted to be friendly. I don't know what to do:(

 

I wish I could send you a private message. This is the type of stuff that I've had to deal with with xomm. I tell him how crappy I feel, and he continues to talk to me all day. I think he might have finally understood though, after the last time we talked where I pretty much told him that I'm not going to get back into anything.

 

Be careful. This is what will get you back in the affair. You say you are happy with where you are in your home life. You need to keep thinking of that. You can be friendly. Saying hi is friendly. But you don't have to give him all of your time. Take care of yourself first. Friendship shouldn't be something that you have to fight to keep, or something that brings you down. I see the beginning of another vicious cycle here, only because this is the exact same stuff that happened with me and xomm several times.

[bambiwboone]

PSM 04 feel free to email me if you want to chat. I would love to have someone I can relate to my email address is [email protected]. Anyone really, this is my invoice email for online orders so i'm not overly worried about privacy issues:)

[RickFox]

Nope nope nope and NO.

 

Most people can't and as stated an EA starts and leads to the PA all over again.

 

I couldn't do it because I know there are feelings for xmw, they will always be there, no matter how dormant they lie, but we crossed the line so it will either be a full blown A, a real R, or nothing at all.