Move out? or stay. Where is it all going?

[butterfly29]

Hello guys,

 

My situation is very similiar to some of the postings here, the only thing different is the time. I am living with my boyfriend and I really want to get married. To him. But he seems to be hesitant.

 

Now let me fill you in with appropriate details. We've been together for a year and a half, we love each other very much and I was convinced untill a few months ago that he was THE ONE. I met his family and they quickly accepted me as one of their own, I became attached to them rather quickly as well. What have changed. I think it all started with me going out of the country for 6 months for job reasons. We were long distance but stayed clean and faithfull to each other. Actually half way through my departure was the first time in my life that I actually felt like I was ready to get married and that he was the one.

I came back last June and I was hoping or perhaps expecting to things to go well as long as I get a job in town. So I did. 2 months down the row I suggested we move in together. (I do realize now it was a mistake). He was hesitant at furst, said he wasn't ready, but within a month he gave in. (So in the end it seems like he did it for me) So now since September we live in the same place.

 

I am really scared now. I did give him hints about marriage and starting a family, when I say things like I want to spend the rest of my life with him, he gets all happy and tells me it means so much to him. While at the same time he was never clear about his long term intentions about me. We did sort of talk about it vagely but my strong impression is that he isn't ready and needs more time to decide. He says, we just need to get to know each other better by asking questions and he needs to make sure I'm the right one for him. I feel really anyoed by that idea, I feel like I am sort of at a job interview being questioned if I am the right person for the job. I am affraid of confronting him again and scaring him off, plus I am afraid that if I do, I will get the answer I don't want to her and will have to break up with him.

 

I would be willing to give him some time if that's all he needs but, first of all I am still not sure if marriage is what he's after. Second, time is what he needs but not what I need. Time will only make ME older, that's it! So I am thinking about moving out. But my question is, when? Should I wait untill the holiday season is over or after Valentine's day (so I won't be miserable during those days) Or should I wait untill we live together for a year and give him a chance to decide? Also he is 26, a bit too young to think about marriage, and I am 29, more than old enough.

 

Thank you and your advice is appreciated.

[Naive]

I think you should not pressure him into getting married. Give him time, after all it's not like 3-5 years have passed by and he is still thinking. Marriage is a big step and thank your lucky stars he takes it seriously enough to think about it before jumping the broom.

[NatoPMT]

i think those questions are absolutely necessary. Too many people ignore long term goals, this is forever, so you have to discover if yours & his ideas of forever are the same, if you know each other as well as you can, if you can communicate effectively (which includes asking questions!!). These questions still dont guarantee future success as people change and circumstances change, but if you discuss in depth your future now, its less likely to hold any nasty surprises.

 

also, sounds like your bf is seriously considering considering marrying you. Dont force his hand any further, relax and enjoy getting to know each other to the extent that marriage is the next step for you. i am envious, dont be annoyed at his foresight!

[blinkless]

Nothing personal, but you are used to getting your way, right? That is a big decision for anyone.

 

If a woman wanted to take all the time she wanted to decide to have sexual relations with a guy, it would be considered appropriate behavior.

 

The length for time you have been together is not all that long, I, personally would not marry anyone I'd only known a few years.

 

He is still good to you, I never heard one word of discontent regarding his ability to keep you wanting and loving him.

 

I think that you are unreasonable, be happy you have such a fine man, give the space he needs.

 

No one should do anything they don't feel comfortable with, and its selfish of you to be so ungrateful for your good fortune.

Good luck and I just think a million women would wait for him.

 

If this relationship is good and right for Marriage, it will still be good whenever he is comfortable with the whole thing.

[butterfly29]

Nothing personal, but you are used to getting your way, right?

 

Whew! Somehow I feel misunderstood. Ok, let me rephrase a few things. First, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to get married. One, I am really in love with the guy and two, I want to start a family, more than anything. I think those are good reasons, can anyone think of better ones?

 

Second, I would never pressure him (or anyone) into marrying me. Believe me, what I am bitching about is strictly in my head and this forum. I only gave him slight hints that weren't anything close to being pressure.

 

And finally, I was talking about moving out, getting my own place so that I can get away from this madness (my own frustrations mostly) not breaking up with him. Yes I did mention breaking up in my post, but that was an extreme decision and only in the case if he tells me that he doesn't think I am the right person for him.

 

The main reason I want to get my own place is basically because I want to be sane again. I feel like if I get away from him and take time to take care of myself my mind will clear up a bit and it will be easier for me to take things between me and him the way they are and have less expectations. Well plus that milk and cow thing I am sure everyone here heard about.

[butterfly29]

Sorry if I was a bit edgy in my last post but I feel like I am being labeled "selfish" for wanting something that's a natural desire for most women.

[alexis]

DO NOT try to make him marry you !!!!!

that just causes issues that are unneeded and fights and etc etc

 

if you still are getting along great, be happy that you are together and in love with

a faithful man who is good to you. maybe you think hes not the one because you

dont like his answers to marriage. but i would be happy together and let fate take its

course if it is meant to be it will happen, pleanty of people live together for several years

before they get married. its just a piece of paper. if you are happy with him, just be!!! that

will make the relationship stronger. if you feel deep in your heart you will find someone else

that will be more up to your standards then go with your heart. but i think you should back off

of hinting and love him. i found a lot of useful info in the feb cosmo about turning men on and

leveling with men more intellectually. age doesnt matter, although men mature slower than women

some men can marry young, just be in love and thankful you have that and the rest will fall together

it did for me. try to think of all the good things and bad things in the relationship which ever one has

more will tell you alot about the both of you as people and if you will last.

[alexis]

maybe you should contact a counselor or a close trusted friend it helps

to talk and get these things out of your head if you think you cant tell him

there are a lot of womens groups in big cities that have people in your situation

that wont judge and have been in your shoes. holding things in your head leads

to future problems, i know from experience, TALK TO SOMEONE, or write it down

if you dont want people to see the writings tear them up afterward, it helps !!!!