lostNconfusedx10 Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 broke up w/ ex 4 months ago and i still want her back really bad. She has been texting me every morning for months and calling me more frequntly lately. Today she text me...then called me later on. She said she had a migraine and went home from work but asked me if i wanted to go out for coffee later on tonight and that she would call me when she woke up from her nap. I havent even seen her in four months and i've tried once to see her to which she accepted...then backed out of an hour before. Now she asks me for a coffee date 2 weeks later but doesnt even call me back later on. She says she's all depressed becasue she is quiting smoking and thinks she's getting fat so she's starting to take anti-depression meds for it. She told me 3 weeks ago that she has been seeing someone. If she has been seeing someone, why would she text me everyday a couple of times a day and ask me out for coffee......but then not call me back? she sounds confused and when i ask her about the new guy she never really talks about him. But she does ask alot about my sexlife like asking if i met any girls everytime i go out which is only like 2-3 times a week. But she did say that i should try to get hooked up through a freind, not from anyone at my work (which is where i met her but she no longer works there) Whats possibly going on in her head??? Was she possibly hoping that she could try and do her own thing while stringing me along and is now starting to get nervous that i have gone on with my life? Link to post Share on other sites
shady666 Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 Maybe the anti depressants are really messing up here mind. Making her say and do alot of differetn things. She still has feelings for you but doesn't want to fully come out to show them . She may have said she is seeing someone but that could be just a lie. Who knows? She is confused, and the medicine is there just to make her happy and to that thought that means that you must make her somewhat happy if she still talks to you and takin anti depressants? What are they for the smoking thing or something else. YOu wouldn't get anti depressants from quiting smoking there has to be something else that is wrong here. Link to post Share on other sites
Puma Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 hey, thanks for replyin to my situation..i will take in consideration what you advised. now to you and your situation, id say she doesnt want to talk bout teh guyto hurt ur feelings cause obviously she still likes you. if shes tryin to go out with you sometime..then do itt. if you still like her and want to be with her..why neglect that fact? dont read too much into it..sure she is goin through problems, but her medication could be havin its side affects, but i would think it would be more negative than positive reaction, so take comfort in the fact thats shes reachin out to you..now you do the same, thats if you really care which im sure you do. when she asks you..shes testing you to see what you say..never give too much info, dont get personal with an ex. always keep it to teh basics and if she were to even go indetail about her "guy" then shine it away with another subject of your own, and never ever downplay her guy!! the more you bad talk him..the more she will like him even if she doesnt that much. remember that women tend to want what they cant have..nwo with that in mind..be confident of who you are..and appeal to her with a lil mystery she dont know. and word of advice..if she tellin you to hook up...dont tell her you cant cause you think of her too much or somethin liek that. make yourself seem like a challenge..and she will come to you g luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNconfusedx10 Posted November 17, 2004 Author Share Posted November 17, 2004 Yea...i read a couple of books on things to say and not say. i didnt give her too much info on my dating. I did tell her though that i know what i want and im not gonna settle for anything less. I told her i waited 6 months after my ex before her to find her and im not going to just jump into a relationship that doesnt fullfill everyhting i want but that who knows when that could be. So basically i hinted to her that she has what i want and that im not looking for any quick fix's but if another girl comes along with those qualities then im goin for it. And also, i know what she's like when she feels insecure and tries to stop smoking and if both those things are combined and she feels bad enough that she needs meds, any guy in that short term of a relationship would not like it. The first 6 months are supposed to be the honeymoon stage...i figure she has been dating this guy 2 months at the most and that he wont want to put up with that crap....i dont want to put up with that crap but i always did becasue i did it out of love.....a love bond that strong can't be made in 2 month's Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNconfusedx10 Posted November 17, 2004 Author Share Posted November 17, 2004 i just dont know hwy she would ask me out for coffee and then not call me back... and how can you tell if she is lieing about seeing someone?? without being too intrusive? like would there be any hints or things to listen for?? Link to post Share on other sites
murtucky Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 Lost, you replied to my "end of adolescence" post.... and well, now I can help you.... If you have to ask yourself these questions... 1. Does she love me???? Answer: IT IS NOT EQUAL TO THE WAY YOU LOVE HER... INCONGRUENT LOVE =emotional rage and torment 2. She is quitting smoking...punking out on coffee with you, texting you....what is she doing to me???? Answer: Simply, these are things SHE is doing...and it doesn't really concern you, just her. 3a. And what are you doing LOST??? Answer: Defining your world as she relates to it... b. Is she doing the same for you??? Answer: From the evidence I would say no. How do I understand what is going on???? ESSAY Look at it like this... She is wearing contact lenses that only allow her to see her agenda. It is up to her to take them out, or replace them with a newer, better pair that brings both of your agendas into focus, or not. Basically, what YOU are trying to do is knock those contacts out... But you know when a person loses a contact---they freak, lament, search for it frantically, and complain IT IS UP TO HER TO THINK "HEY THERE IS A PROBLEM HERE AND I NEED NEW CONTACTS....." You cannot, will not, and should not think that you need to get them for her... its her prescription only, not yours. Evaluation: AND THAT MY FRIEND-------SUCKS, just move on and save yourself some sleep. Extra credit....My ex WAS seeing someone else, I found out last fri...and not from her, but she acknowledged it. And said SHE WAS SORRY I FOUND OUT!!!!!!!!!Thanks dude, you were a big help and i really appreciate your input. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNconfusedx10 Posted November 18, 2004 Author Share Posted November 18, 2004 Murtucky, Thanks for the feedback. Your analogy of the contacts is awesome. To look at it that way makes alot of sense. It stinks, i know she's confused and i know she still loves me. It just really seems like she's trying another avenue but doesnt want to lose me totally. I just find it hard because every other relationship that has ended has finished with me or her not talking at all afterwards. We really never lost contact for more than week at the most and its been 4 months. I've read a whole bunch of different approaches to getting an ex back. The no contact approach just got her mad at me. im slowly working 2 other books which start out the same and depending on how she reacts i could finish off with just one books approach. The weird thing is that she seems miserable. Usually the dumper is happy especially if she finds a new man,and loses interest of any sort with the old boyfreind. but she cant resist hearing from me in some way at least 5 out of 7 days a week. My contact lens analogy of the situation seems like this: She lost one contact lense along time ago and couldnt get a new one, the other one started to get scratched and hard to see through so she just decided to get a brand new one and leave the scratched hard to focus one in. She got the new one in, can see ok with it, but is trying to figure out if she should finish out her new presciption or buy a brand new pair of the old ones where she could see me. (the funny thing is that my boss is cheep and actually non-metaphorically had to do this) Link to post Share on other sites
Puma Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 jsut keep on goin forward with life...focus on YOU! she will see that and draw more closer to you. my ex finally got contact with me today! she text me and i waited to write back and we chatted a bit..i feel better now that the silence has been broken..now i dont know what to do, just take it conversation by converstaion i guess...or if there will even be more? ahh whats in those books that can help me lostnconfused? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNconfusedx10 Posted November 18, 2004 Author Share Posted November 18, 2004 The 2 books i have been reading are "How to get your lover back" and an Ebook from http://www.exback.com The first one almost seems like its geared or biased more towards girls but all of the examples and stories in it are "guy trying to get girls back" Its generally a "love your ex back to you" strategy. Its definetly a bi-gendered book though. The Ebook seems like a better strategy. It is aimed at attracting your ex back. Both books cover what things not to say or do and both books generally lead you up to almost the same point in the process but then each taken slight variations. I would recommend the Ebook because its strategy not only sets you on the right path, it sets you up physically and mentally to where you get to the point where if things dont seem to be working out the way you want them to, you'll be ready to move on. The biggest thing that the Ebook explains to you is that even if the ex has found someone else, you are still her type. You are her type because she dated you before. They also explain what kind of subconscious tests the ex puts you through and how to avoid those questions. The web page pretty much describes everythihng in the book. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Puma Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 what subconscious tests are they exactly?? can ya give me a heads up to be ready haha..i kinda felt it already from her just want to be prepared and see what to say or not say to certain questions or comments i guess THANKS Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 I've read that the exback book is useless when your lover is "resistant" to communicating with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNconfusedx10 Posted November 18, 2004 Author Share Posted November 18, 2004 Yea, the exback book does not really help for a resistant ex, it just tells you to wait until they are ready to contact you after you have a successful phone call. But, You could always use the "how to get your lover back" techniques for a resistant lover and then switch back to the Exback techniques. As for the tests they put you through, basically its them testing you to see if you still have neediness, are unhappy with whats goin on around you, trying to get you to "push" them. (not actually physically push, its just a term they use) The ex basically tries things to reiterate why they broke up with you. If you can avoid those tests and difuse arguments, things go alot better. I went from my ex never contacting me, just me contacting her, to now she text messages me every day and calls a few times a week. Im not really that close to getting her back but the techniques and help the books give you really made things alot better between us. Link to post Share on other sites
Puma Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 she text me yesterday!! i got happy cause i really didnt think she would but after 1.5 weeks of no contact she did so thats good right, cause it shows she had to at least think of me a lil to text me at all? now i dont know waht to do..do i just let her contact me or what? Link to post Share on other sites
murtucky Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 lost, I definitely see where you are coming from...I was just there dude. The problem is- you are not focusing on you. Read the books, posture yourself in a good light, etc...is a noble way to be. No one is saying you have issues. You have good intentions. But it is all about her...I cannot stress this enough!!!! You want resolution to the problem and you want her back. You cannot give yourself this, she has to give it to you (if it is her that you want) Time = healing and wisdom. My ex told me that she couldn't stop talking to me as well. She figured that if I was gone from her life, then she couldn't see herself chasing me down when she figured things out. INACCEPTABLE. Note: How many references to herself is in the previous sentence????? IT IS ALL ABOUT HER. Just like your situation. Another important thing is that you are setting a precedent. If she can have you as a hanger on, whenever and whereever she needs you, there is no impetus to resolve this dicotomy between you too. She is getting what she needs from you without resolving YOUR issues. This equals you BEING A CHUMP and a LAPDOG. Lost, I know its hard. I just went through it. Just worry about your life and your goals. No manipulation of the situation is the best remedy. You have limited, if any, control in this situation and with this girl. That is why it is hard. You are missing the effect, influence, and rewards of your control on her. You have been dismissed and I feel you don't trust her style of control. So you are trying hard to assume control of this wayward ship...BUT IF IT IS TO WORK-SHE MUST ASSUME CONTROL-THIS IS A TEST BETWEEN YOU TWO. You cannot do it for her. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNconfusedx10 Posted November 19, 2004 Author Share Posted November 19, 2004 Murtucky, Yea i see what you are saying and it makes total sense. I have come to accept that there is nothing i can do to change her views or outlook and i have to just let her decide what it is that she wants. What i dont understand is that she has to keep contact with me. I see the contact coming more frequently now and she has starting asking about my sexlife, family, when school is done for me (which seemed to be one reason for the breakup since i never got to see her) She has just been showing a huge interest in my personal life to which i cannot understand and i know i will never understand unless she decides to come back ot me and tell me why. Basically my approach is to not contact her. I have talked to her in some form almost every day for the past 3 weeks but she has initiated contact. I know this girl and it almost seems like she is at another tipping point where she was confused with meand decided to leave, now she is STILL confused with someone else and maybe is wondering if i really didnt add to her confusion. She needed to leave me to figure things out but she has seemed to get worse without me. I'm giving her time to figure things out but im not gonna shy her away. I feel 90% of the time that i can easily move on and im trying to show her that i am moving on but still care about her. There wouldnt be a reason that i could fathom that i wouldnt take her back so im not afraid. If she wants to come back.....ill be there or i'll be with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNconfusedx10 Posted November 19, 2004 Author Share Posted November 19, 2004 Puma, i do think its good she text'd you. It obviously means she thought about you, and the thought had to be pleasant enough for her to contact you. Just keep rolling with the punches man. Be happy and cheerfull when she contacts you but only let her contact you. I started out that way with my ex and now its to the point where she texts me everyday and sometimes calls me RIGHT AWAY after i text her back. It seems that giving her her space and showing that you are content with your own life at the moment intruges her and makes her want to hear from you more. Link to post Share on other sites
Puma Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 yeah i think i will do that..jsut wait and let her do the contacting. and it is weird how they appear when we have our own agendas on mind..ourselves. but i think tahts good cause we have to be our own persons adn i think thats what our girls want too, for us to realize taht and take care of our own sh**. and yea of course i will be happy cause i dont even expect her to contact me and i appreciate the fact that she did, cause soem ladies pride get in the way. i agree with ya on that part..i think they jsut liek to know that we can do stuff for ourselves cause its manlike..and that we dont depend on them. its weird but ignorin them a lil or playin the part goes a way with women haha..they truly are confusing..but we love them right? so liek you said..we here for them when they decide they cant be without us..but we cant wait forever either so lets keep busy Link to post Share on other sites
murtucky Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 ok, i understand what puma is saying... but here is the kicker... "it is good to show her you are moving on with your life" SHOW HER NOTHING....it is not about showing her anything.. When a person quits smoking... Do they just not smoke when someone's around to give them crap about it??? Or do they completely stop smoking? If you only quit in front of your friends, you still have an issue... I DO NOT BELIEVE IN MAKING NICEY-NICE FOR APPEARANCES SAKE. There is a principle here, and that principle is why Lost posted here. Girl gone, guy hurts. Does guy want to hurt???no. Does girl want to be gone????Who cares. SHE DOESN'T KNOW. end of story. Lost, you have to decide whether you want to hurt or not. That is the only decision you have to make; period. Who cares if she texts, emails, polaroids, or lithographs....2 years from now, you are not going to concern yourself about these things...whether u are with her or not. Dude, there are so many things you want to do with your life...you lived before you knew her, you can live without her... I know it hurts, but live that life again...but for real (and things will work out for the best!!!!!!!!!!!!) Link to post Share on other sites
murtucky Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 PS-You are almost there. Link to post Share on other sites
Puma Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 i see what ur sayin murtucky, and i do agree with you on its up to us whetehr we want to hurt or not. we create our emotions..and we can control how we feel if we try. its not the choices we make, its how we react to them that matters. we are constantly in a learnin process since the day we are born till the day we are gone. adn also i agree on that we should pretend anythin..we have to actually feel as such or else whats the point? it is for our best. but we can not neglect the fact tthat we love our girls and try to move on without settling our feelings about the situation cause it will eventually come out in the future and might be hurtful in another experience. soemtiems we want to hurt it seems..because as humans, we have many emotions..and through hurt and heartbreak we tend to learn the most. it snot about movin on..its about coping and standing tall with who we are, cause taht is great Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNconfusedx10 Posted November 19, 2004 Author Share Posted November 19, 2004 Through these message boards i have come to that realization. Why torture yourself. when thoughts of her and the new guy come into your head, quickly change it to thoughts of her and her family. Instead of thinking about bad moments or instances, change them to positive ones. That helped make the hurt go away. Also, pretending to be happy or such just doesnt cut it. They know you too well and can see right through you. I have started to try and live my life, i've dated, set goals, kept busy. She does have to decide what she wants and i know nothing i do or turn out to be can change that. It just doesnt make sense that the dumper cant leave the dumpee alone. They wanted out, they found someone new, but they dont want you to go away. (in our situations anyways). I find it to be a good sign of that because other relationships i've had ended with no contact for years, then just a gentle "hello, how have you been". I think it shows that they arent sure if they have made a mistake yet, they want to have their cake and eat it too. I just dont want to not be around when she decides that she made a mistake. It took several relationships and alot of self learning to find out that this girl was the one for me. After somewhere between 4-5 months i still ahvent changed my mind about her. I'm giving her time but not counting out the possibility of someone with the same or better qualities to come around though. I dont think i'll ever move on, ill just accept that she doesnt feel the same about me. Moving on would be to assume that she was not the right one for me, and whats right for me might not be right for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Puma Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 u already sound so much better!!! thats the right attitude LnC, if i may call ya that for short i applaud ur realization of things and ur situation. it feels better when you can sit down and tell yourself "i got a lot goin for myself, she knows taht, and I know taht" so leave it up to her yes. i feel ya on past bad relationships that have molded us into who we are..and i do understand when you say you know she is the one for you cause i feel the same way bout my girl. isnt it hard to think theres someone else out there taht you can match with more and be as compatible or more than her?? i try and i cant do it..cause im that set that she is the one for me, but i realize that she has to figure herself out before she can value what she even has in a man as myself. you would think after past bad relationships that our girls would finally hold on to us as good men, but look at what happens..they get scared almost. they dont want to mess somethin that is so good to them, out of their norm. a**h***s taint a bad name for us good guys! but we have to thank them too..cause we are the type of men women want to marry..and in the end, thats what we all want im sure right? i think we have done well so far for our heartbreak..i think we see the better of the situation and understand taht we have no say in their decisions, but let us not give up either!! if you want somethin, work your way into gettin it, our situation is no exception..only the ways to obtain it are different. serisouly..i was in a mental and physical state ive never ever been b4 after she broek up with me..but this site has amazingly got me to realize things about myself, and has comforted me knowin i wasnt the only one whos girl just seemed to make that move out of the blue "sudden' when things were so great. i thank you all for ur advice and will continue to help as i can cause tahts what we all deserve Link to post Share on other sites
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