I fell in love with my girl friends father and his wife is threatening suicide if her

[JMshine]

I will try to make a long complex story short! Please respond or tell me where to seek help elsewhere??!!!!

 

I fell in love with my girl friends father.

 

He has been married to her mother for 25 years. They have 3 children, one still 15 and gay. Being married at 17 and 19 after pregnancy, they strived to make a living and raise their children. He is very loyal to his kids and the wife had no network of friends outside of their relationship creating a dependency, she even hated the fact that he had a few friends. He worked hard to get out of poverty to now make 78k with only a GED, he stayed busy to avoid his unhappiness.

 

 

I always found him attractive but would never have thought to pursue him until he pursued me. Right from the beginning he spoke of "the man behind the mask" and how unhappy he was. He stated how he has never really did things he loved becasue she could not share them with him because of her health and did not like him to do things without her.

 

 

He did everything for me, completely opened up to me and opened me to him as well. I know it was the first time in his life that he was able to express his suppressed true being. I have never felt so deeply in love in my life.

 

 

He had an affair for 9 years in the past, and the wife being very christian (an extremist view that he tried but failed to agree with) sought to fight for her marriage and they moved from the state. She fell into a depression which ended up being diagnosed as Biploar II disorder and fibromyalgia and hypothyroidism soon followed. The past 10 years they spent nursing her back to health as she worked with the support of her employer in times she needed to stay home. She never fully recovered and he stated if she found out about us she would leave him, knowing she was unhealthy but not to this extreme.

 

 

She found out after 2 months and it has been 8 months since that they have went back and forth "trying again" at her request. She found out we continued 4 times and begged to "work it out"! She resigned from her job, is on double the medication, fell into depression and has been suggesting suicide. She does not eat or sleep and is obsessing over my moves as well as his and her childrens while she lays at home all day long. He is now convinced, although he says he has never felt this kind of love before and tried his hardest to make her realize he wanted divorce (told her many times while with me that he loved me and wanted to leave her) , that to avoid a tragedy he has to stay with her. He is going to lose his job (works half days because he cant leave her alone) and move to puerto rico to be with her sick mother at her request. (the only person she has who has 3-5 years to live). They will be leaving their children, grandchildren (which were the reason they couldnt seperate in the past) including taking the gay son from 10th grade to start over in another country. They had promised they would not leave the city until he graduated because it had been so difficult for him to become popular and he is doing well and participates in many activities as well as threatening to run away if they try to make him move.

 

 

I am very hurt that he was not able to walk away and will spend the rest of his life unhappy beacause he feels responsible for her life. I have backed off because I cant keep hurting myself..this is very difficult because I know we are happy together and his children have accepted it. I commend his loyalty but it his bringing him down and he is not happy. I am afraid all the dependency from the kids and her that he will soon explode or get sick. I am not even sure how they will finance their expenses and maintain her healthcare after she resigned and he will be leaving work soon also. It just doesn't seem logical to make these spontaneous decisions or maybe it is a manipulation on her part or even his mental condition giving in to her threats and irrational requests.

 

 

Is there something he can do for help in a situation like this or am I wasting my time even being concerned? Should she be admitted to a hospital or are they making the right choices? If he truly loved her he would not have done it in the first place let alone continue to do so, telling her he wanted divorce.

[Merin]

While all of this may be true.. IF he truly loved you he WOULD divorce her and make his life with you.

 

At this point, he has made his decision.. and it really doesn't matter what his reason(s) are..

 

So it isn't your repsonsibility to "make sure" he is doing the right thing, or to question IF his wife needs to be admitted to a hospital or how they will make it financially or otherwise.. HE has decided to stay with her, and to move his life with HER.

 

I'm so sorry this is painful for you.

[JMshine]

Very true. I guess that is the reality I am coming to terms with and just need to hear from other perspectives.

 

 

Sometimes your mind gets clouded and the reason I am concerned is that he still contacts me just to tell me how much he loves me and how close she is to going over the edge,telling me all the details. The kids also call me and express how sick their mom is and how he has no choice......I feel bad for him although I shouldn't

 

 

I always had a hard time telling someone to never call me again or be able to just move on and not look back....I feel this is the first time I have been in love and we spent so much time for it to all be wasted. I will get nstronger and have learned a valuable lesson to never get involved with a married man again!!

[Merin]

Originally posted by JMshine

Very true. I guess that is the reality I am coming to terms with and just need to hear from other perspectives.

 

 

Sometimes your mind gets clouded and the reason I am concerned is that he still contacts me just to tell me how much he loves me and how close she is to going over the edge,telling me all the details. The kids also call me and express how sick their mom is and how he has no choice......I feel bad for him although I shouldn't

 

 

I always had a hard time telling someone to never call me again or be able to just move on and not look back....I feel this is the first time I have been in love and we spent so much time for it to all be wasted. I will get nstronger and have learned a valuable lesson to never get involved with a married man again!!

 

Hang in there;)