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So I have this friend... (long post)


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Hello everyone!

 

I tried to keep this post both concise and informative but that didn't quite work out. My propensity for lengthy descriptions strikes again. I hope somebody will manage to get through my rambling and give me their advice and opinion. :)

 

So there is this girl at my workplace whom I've known for about 3 years now. She turned 30 not long ago and I'll be turning 26 in late November. When we first met, it quickly turned out that we were on the same wavelength and got along very well. We would talk to each other often and each of us clearly enjoyed the other's company. However, she made it clear that she was married and did not wish to see me making advances on her. I respected that and we continued to interact with each other in a friendly but non-flirty manner, discussing work-related things and other neutral subjects. This went on for a while. During this time I never gave any indication that I was attracted to her. Although at one point she told me that her marriage was experiencing some serious difficulties, I didn't act on it; there was still a chance that she and her husband would be able to fix things, after all. Besides, I had developed an interest in another colleague and thus my attention was elsewhere (nothing came of it).

 

Then, just over 3 months ago, she said that she's separated from her husband. It had happened a while back. She admitted she'd kept it a secret, and not just from me but from everyone at work.

As soon as I learned about this, I started giving her hints that I was interested in taking things further. As I was afraid of causing potential damage to our friendship by acting too rashly, I started out slowly, giving her subtle hints, giving myself room to back off quickly in case her reaction was negative. I picked up the pace and intensity of this by adding compliments and the occasional flirty line into the mix. I noted that she didn't flirt back but she was otherwise receptive to those, smiling and looking happy, and her behaviour towards me didn't change - she didn't start avoiding me, giving me weird looks or anything like that. In fact, when I was about to go on a two-week holiday break, she looked so sad I felt like a soldier going off to war, bidding farewell to his wife. And after I came back, she was elated to see me again.

 

That's when I decided to take decisive action and ask her out. I plucked up the courage (or so I thought :D) and had a conversation with her. The delivery was far from perfect - I soon started fumbling for words and felt myself blushing from head to toe but eventually I got there. I told her, in essence, how great I thought she was, how much I enjoyed her company and about my desire to spend time with her outside of work. I chose to avoid using words such as 'love', 'crush', 'adore' or anything with a similarly strong meaning as I think it's too much at this stage.

During my shaky confession, I was watching her body language very closely. I was looking for tell-tale subconscious signs of displeasure or unhappiness such as arm folding, frowning, clenching fists, turning away and the like. She didn't display any of these (or any surprise, for that matter) - in fact, she seemed very happy and encouraging (as I said, I had considerable difficulty expressing myself). I remember thinking there and then, watching her reaction to what I was saying: "I'm still in the game!". Only when I got to the point of wanting to spend more time with her, she gave a quiet 'aww', like the 'you poor thing' type.

After I was done, she said apologetically "I'm very sorry... but I'm seeing someone".

 

As it turned out later, only two of her 'girlfriends' were aware of that - she kept it from the rest which means that she didn't withhold this information from me specifically.

That's just the way she is - happy to talk about trivial, everyday things but being rather secretive about her personal life.

 

I know very well that this is the kind of situation that buries years-long friendships. However, her behaviour hasn't changed since my confession. She talks to me just the way she used to, doesn't avoid me, is actively engaged in our conversations and so on. I refuse to chalk it up to her being an 'emotional whore' - while receptive to my compliments and gentle flirting, she never played with my feelings, for example by flirting back (she doesn't do it now either), although I don't quite understand her reluctance to inform me that there was someone else.

 

What I'm wondering right now is this: based on her reactions to my confession and on her behaviour afterwards, do you think she would actually consider me as more than just a friend, if it wasn't for that other guy? She didn't say anything along the lines of "I'd rather we remained friends", "I don't think this would work" - just that she's with someone else. One could say she didn't want to hurt my feelings but then her body language would have given it away, and it was positive from start to finish.

So, if things don't work out for her and this guy, do you think I would have a chance with her? She may not have seen me as a potential boyfriend before, as I was careful not to reveal anything to her and was interested in someone else at the time, but now that I've laid the cards on the table, could things play out differently if she was single again?

 

Now, I must stress that I don't intend to hold my breath praying that they'll break up soon. If another girl I fancy comes along, I'll take my chances. However, I freely admit to being rather shy and awkward and thus not much of a womanizer, plus I take relationships very seriously and am very selective about who I'd like to date. All that, together with the fact that I don't go out a lot (I don't intend to change that), limits future possibilities. In other words, I may as well give her another shot if things change. As for the time being, I want things to stay the way they are.

 

I don't know if you'll find this relevant to the issue but I will add that the girl in question is rather prudish: for example, I've never heard her say "sex" (she goes like "umm, you know..." instead) and sexual jokes make her uncomfortable. I wouldn't be surprised if she expected the guy to do all the work, being so traditional and all.

 

If you've made it this far to read this line, I thank you for your dedication and hope to hear from you. Again, apologies for the lengthy post - I find that I just can't express myself in a few short lines.

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Sorry but I think your chances will be very low. She recovered enough from the separation to start dating again and chose to look elsewhere. If she was interested in you she would have gone for it because she knows its there. I think that you have been a great friend to her, but she keeps you at a certain distance never letting things go further than it should. Of course she likes the flirting and conversation, women love attention. You are someone who makes her feel good about herself. If she is not reciprocating and not sharing personal details, then I feel she is using you for support and entertainment at work. It also doesn't seem like she'll be letting you know about her breakups so it is likely she will find someone else again the next time she is single. It would good to just be friends so you can possibly connect with her friends. I don't want to say give up, but your chances are slim (I would say less than 1% and I do really hope I'm wrong). I would stop giving her free attention though.

 

P.S. Shes not actually a prude, she just acts that away around you and at work. When girls get together they have no problem talking about who is dating who, who did what, what went where, and how good this and that feels, etc.

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Thank you for your input, Scales.

 

Sorry but I think your chances will be very low. She recovered enough from the separation to start dating again and chose to look elsewhere. If she was interested in you she would have gone for it because she knows its there.

 

A fair point, and one that I considered as well. However, let me clarify a few things here:

 

-I only started actively showing romantic interest (gentle flirting, compliments) in her just over 3 months ago, and she separated from her husband over a year ago (I don't know the exact time). As I was very careful not to do or say anything that could be construed as an indicator of romantic interest while she was still with him, she was completely unaware of my feelings at the time.

 

-This is something I didn't include in the original post as I didn't want to make it even longer than it already is. Still, I think it's important.

So, my friend and I work in different departments and only come into contact with each other if one enters the other's 'habitat'. I was spending a fair amount of time around her and this riled our boss (who wasn't big on me to begin with) who told me to "leave her alone so that she can work properly". Consequently, our conversations and the time we spent together were cut short significantly. This state of affairs lasted for at least 6 months (again, I'm not sure how long exactly) and only stopped after our boss was fired by someone higher up the ladder. I don't think we had a single proper conversation during that time. Why do I think it is important? Because my friend's marriage happened to end at some point during that time...

Prior to that period of silence, I knew exactly what the problems were and what was causing them - she told me. However, after our boss' rant and the loss of contact that followed, I was unable to find out how things were progressing.

 

What I'm planning to do is just to get on with my life and see what happens. She will remain a part of it, as a good friend until/unless something changes. Now that she knows exactly how I feel, what she does in case of a breakup will answer my questions. I think she is definitely emotionally committed to our current relationship, as evidenced by her genuine sadness at the prospect of not seeing me for circa two weeks (this happened on several occasions). One doesn't react that way on account of someone one can simply discard and easily replace. But does that indicate potential for our friendship blossoming into something more, or just that she really appreciates me as a friend? I guess only time will tell.

 

Again, thank you for reading my post and sharing your opinion! It's appreciated. :)

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Hi Frowster, my brief conclusion (from what you've told us) - it's likely that she's simply a nice girl who likes to have positive working relationships with her work colleagues, and so is continuing to behave the way she is for tat reason.

 

I know, it sucks - I had a similar situation myself (I did start a thread on it a while back) - we didn't work together but had known each other for a long time. I misinterpreted his friendliness and had to let it go!

 

Good luck.

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