Am I selfish to Leave?

[KatieAnne]

I will do my best to keep this short. My husband and I have been married for three years now. We got married while in the service. I have always been a little uneasy about out relationship, we fight constantly! About anything at all. It used to be much worse with him hitting things and breaking stuff. He does not break things anymore but he still loves to scream at me and somewhat manipulate me into thinking I am wrong. Aside from the arguing we are polar opposites, which is what probably attracted me to him in the first place.

Well now we are out of the service and living across the country from my family. I have always been very close to my family. I have expressed my need to live near them multiple times. My husband just tells me to go without him, kinda heartlessly. My mother is sick as well as my Grandmother and it breaks my heart to be so far away with no money to go visit. I am also extremely close to to my sister so I want to be there for her when she has children. I also get 4 years on top of my 36 months free for school back home. So I could get my Master's without paying a cent. As well as the cost of living being a third of where we live now. But he will not move there even for my future.

I told my husband I plan on moving back there at the end of the year when the school semester is over. He initially got really upset and we fought for about 3 weeks straight. Then he begged me to give him a month to prove he can make me happy here. I agreed but he hasn't changed his actions at all. It feels like I have grown to resent him. I don't see him the way I used to. Now he just looks like the enemy always. When he says something nice I feel like it's just an act. We are not even intimate anymore. That part of our relationship was never great. He is very selfish in the bedroom. He keeps asking me what my problem is and why can't I just be happy with him. I'm speechless, I just want to be home with my family. I want to move back very badly but I don't know how to get him to understand. I feel like he does not care about me as much as he says he does, he is more in love with the idea of marriage than with me.

Anyway I am talking with my family about my move back and my dad offered me a room close to school with him. They all want me to come back and do not like my husband at all. They have seen how mean he can get. So he makes me feel selfish for wanting to move back. I am just looking for some outside views to tell me if I am being selfish or now. Oh and we have no children. Thank you!

[GuyInLimbo]

Don't confuse selfishness with being a bad person. Pay attention to your feelings. Are you happy? At all? You've given him chances to make good and he hasn't. I saw somewhere recently where you give someone three chances to meet your needs. After the third time, it becomes pretty clear they aren't the right person for you and you find someone else. Frankly, he sounds like the selfish and immature one here.

 

You're young (sounds like it to me) and have no kids. Get out now and follow your dream of getting your Master's without this clown keeping you down, Katie.

 

How old are you two, if you don't mind me asking?

[KatieAnne]

Thank you so much for the response. I am 23 and he is 24. I know we are young and I think that's why I feel like now would be the time to go.

[darkmoon]

23 yo old girls are at their best, radiant, I would not waste a day

 

I do not like this bit either:

 

"he hasn't changed his actions at all"

 

I bet you are not even looking forward to hearing him come home, my heart goes out to you, you want to be nicer to him than you are to yourself, go, pre-meditated selfish sex is unforgivable, pretty bad, he was a mistake xx

Edited September 6, 2013 by darkmoon

[pteromom]

I would go. Not necessarily because your husband is horrible (only you know that) but because if you lose your grandmother and/or your mother without listening to your heart pulling you back there, you will regret it for the rest of your life.

 

What I would suggest is telling your husband you are going to go out there temporarily to be there for your mom and grandmother and go to school, and then see how you feel when you are out there. See how much you miss him. See if maintaining a long-distance relationship brings you back together or pulls you the rest of the way apart.

 

He will also see what life is without you, and maybe it will wake him up so he will be nicer.

 

Maybe down the road, he can move there with you, or you will decide you want to come back, but you don't know unless you try.

[pteromom]

And no - I don't think you are being selfish at all. I just think that you guys have major compatibility issues.

[Mr. Lucky]

But he will not move there even for my future.

What keeps your husband rooted to where you currently live? Job? Family?

 

And was your desire to live "back home" something you discussed before marrying?

 

Mr. Lucky

[KatieAnne]

Darkmoon: Thank you, I do not want to hurt him you're right I am nicer to him. He's not a horrible person, perhaps i bring out the worst in him.

 

Pteromom: I know I would regret it forever if I was unable to see either of them before they pass. The "temporary" move is a very great Idea. I'm going to give that a try. I think your right that it will be the best of us or worst. Thank you very much for the advise!

[KatieAnne]

He just loves California, he grew up here but we are about 10 hours from his family and never see them, so its not that. He is just very set of staying here. I'm from Wisconsin so he doesn't like the weather at all. Honestly we were not sure on our living situation while we were dating. I wasn't very set of going back home probably because I was enjoying being young and away. Now that I have to think about the future of my family and where I want to be it's all different.

[vla1120]

Wow. Reading your story brought back some intense memories. My husband and I met in the service. We married on Guam. He is from the Philly area, I am from Michigan. There was never any question about where we would settle. We live outside Philadelphia. He never wanted to go see my family. I can count on two hands how many times I've gone "home" in 32 years. Yes. 32 years. I grew to resent this, but what could I say? I agreed to follow him to his hometown. My mom died of breast cancer in 1992. While I did rush home to visit one last time a month before she died, I was not there for her on her last days. My grandfather and grandmother passed a few years later. I was rushing home to see my grandfather in the middle of winter in a snow storm. I didn't make it to say goodbye - same with my grandmother. She had Alzheimer's. I saw her at my mother's funeral in '92 and she knew who I was. The next time I saw her in '98 at my grandfather'a funeral, she did not recognize me. She passed a few months after him - the quintessential couple that could not live without one another. I missed the births, graduations, and marriages of my nieces.

 

My husband and I are divorcing after 32 years. For the first time ever, I am going to a niece's wedding in October!

 

This could be you......

[hayewils]

I say definatly go.

It sounds to me that you have a lot of good things in front of you that wouldnt be fair to yourself to miss out on or put off.

You guys are young with a whole lot of life in front of both of you.

He will live and move on and so will you, sounds to me your already gone.

And understandably so.

Life is once, and its short.

Chase your happiness and dreams!

[Mr. Lucky]

I wouldn't confuse the two major issues involved. Look at it this way - would all your marital problems, including the sexual ones, be any more tolerable if you were together in Wisconsin? Regardless of where you live, the two of you have some decisions to make about the health and future of your union...

 

Mr. Lucky