Do what you love, it will come naturally

[mortensorchid]

I was talking with someone not too long ago, she is married btw to a man she loves and who loves her. I said I was internet dating and whatnot, doing my usual things, she doesn't understand why I don't have a boyfriend. (She asked, by the way, I didn't offer nor was I lamenting things.) I said I'm not sure, I have tried just about every method possible towards meeting others and it never goes anywhere.

 

She said "Do what you love and it will just come naturally". Well, not to put her down or anything, but I have done what I loved. Some say get involved in things, and I am involved in many things. Karate, arts, theater, traveling, fan stuff, etc. And what do I see there? Mostly kids (and I mean kids who are in junior high school or younger), gays (theater), and traveling (mostly married or older couples travel). All others are populated by women (think yoga). And these women despite how much older or younger they are than me, are not interested in being friends outside of the activity.

 

I remember (and this was totally embarrassing to admit publicly on a forum such as this or to anyone else) many years ago as a 22 year old out in the world for the first time, my dad tried to take over my social life. He all out demanded that I attend things like high school football games with him which I used to do years ago like we all did before we got our driver's licenses. Then he said he was going to take me to alumni events for my high school and college alma matters, which was populated by people about his age, who gave me curious looks as to why I was there with them. And then he said he wanted me to go on Christian websites to meet people! In some ways I don't blame him, he has an interesting dichotomy about himself - childlike and nieve vs controller. He gave up years ago, he can only get so far with threats and demands that it's his way or the highway.

 

So now? I'm 38. I have not much to show for it save for a few long term relationships. This is not a pity party, but I'm sure there are others out there who are feeling just as hopeless. We're all in this together.

[Scales]

I really couldn't agree with you more. The advice your friend gave is from someone who was lucky enough to meet a good match and keep it. It seems that a lot of conventional dating advice is born from this old world theory of "Just be yourself". Acting natural and going out to do activities and not really looking for someone is old news. The dating scene these days is far more competitive and cutthroat. I wouldn't tell a guy in his 20's who plays video games a lot and likes sports to keep "doing what you love", because it doesn't bring value or opportunity. You've got to really try and compete to get a date today. Many people keep saying its easy, but they aren't being upfront about the fact that their lives revolve around getting some.

[MrCastle]

I think what the person meant by "do what you love" is do what makes you happy. Not in the hope that you meet someone, but just because you love doing those things.

 

Take karate, yoga, travel, go to theater etc because you enjoy it, not because you're secretly wishing to meet someone there.

 

Most of dating success is based on luck. Right place, right time. That's what it boils down to a majority of the time. Your number will come up.

 

Until that time comes, live your life and do things you enjoy.

[xxoo]

I do believe that if you live your life giving love, you will get love. People will love you, introduce you to people they love, and connections will be made.

[mesmerized]

I do believe that if you live your life giving love, you will get love. People will love you, introduce you to people they love, and connections will be made.

 

Really highly depends on demographics. Sometimes people don't even let you give love, not even open to friendship. With men, after moving to where I live, I find it incredibly hard to have a real meaningful friendship with men. It's all about exchanging of goods/services and for them It's usually sex that they hope for.

 

I sympathize with you OP, can't even imagine how hard it is out there as a woman in her late thirties when it's not easy even for women in their twenties!

[ChessPieceFace]

Yep, I also disagree with that advice. Do what I love? Sitting inside playing video games? Playing geeky games with other geeks? Playing golf perhaps? Not gonna meet women any of those ways. I have seen a few cute geeky girls but they are always taken, which isn't surprising since they're surrounded by guys in a 10:1 ratio.

 

Not sure how you can meet guys, but I do know the good guys (and girls) aren't out trolling bars.

[Moe'sTavern]

I have seen a few cute geeky girls but they are always taken, which isn't surprising since they're surrounded by guys in a 10:1 ratio.

I've noticed this too, unfortunately. Your right; It's not surprising. As for the OP: I think Castle said it best when he said it was more about luck and "right place, right time". You may meet someone. You may not. Not a big deal.

Edited September 7, 2013 by Moe'sTavern

[white]

I've said it's about luck here before and got shat on for it. People here have a horrible attitude about relationships in my opinion. They endlessly spew that it's a "numbers game" and you have to literally churn through men/women via dates at a rate of knots like sorting produce, like a production line, to "find a good one". It speaks volumes about their psyche.

 

In the real world nobody I even know has done dating like people mean here (I think my sister has one fat friend who uses OLD). Without exception, they are with (mostly married to in fact) people they met, by chance, in the normal course of their lives, who happened to be single and interested, while they were both not seeing anyone for some considerable time. Luck, in other words. The only slight exception is the guy who's married the girl he met in a club over 5 years ago and been with ever since, because you could say them being single and clubbing does kinda indicate effort trying to meet someone. Their circumstances are widely varied, springing from one day affairs, heroic interventions, reconnections, long term friends, even in one case long term enemies. "Dating" as in meeting a succession of people to try them on for size, is a concept alien to everyone I personally know. When I talk about it with people funnily enough they usually think it's an American thing.

 

I've tried it recently and I don't enjoy it. It's hard meeting anyone in the first place, you've got no idea if they're interested in the idea of starting a relationship at all let alone if they're interested in you (that they agree to go out together to start with seems not to be significant, all I can assume is a lot of women have literally nothing better to do than go for dinner), it's mentally and emotionally exhausting to meet and be enthusiastic about a new person all the time, talk and learn about them, be fascinated, and then watch them disappear or let you down.

 

Then I pause and look around and can't help, seeing my friends and family, feeling like I'm going about it all very wrong, considering they all essentially blundered into their happy lives together with nothing even approaching the effort and heartache and the whole method and philosophy I'm exercising, even though a place like this forum would have it that dating like I am is the only way to go. It's just that I can't bank on luck and it's let me down for too long, and my life circumstances really don't offer me other options - provincial life, no office colleagues, no city lunches and a vanishing social circle don't give Luck much of an angle to hand me any chances.

[El Brujo]

I already do what I love: writing, making things, fixing things, art & craft stuff, cooking and eating...

 

Unfortunately the things I love to do don't jibe with the things most women love to do.

[ltjg45]

I don't think the advice hold much water these days.

 

If I did what I loved, when is play card games, trying to make money on eBay, and focus on fixing my financial life, I wouldn't have the few phone numbers currently saved on my phone for texting and a possible interest from a fellow employee.

 

Nowadays, if I'm interested in a female, I make my move pretty quickly. I do get a lot of "No"s and the such but I did get a couple of bites and some texting interest as well so it's not a complete waste of time.

 

So I can't tell people that if they are looking for a relationship that they should "do what you love". It's good enough, however, if you just want to live a more fulfilling life while being single.

[GravityMan]

I think what the person meant by "do what you love" is do what makes you happy. Not in the hope that you meet someone, but just because you love doing those things.

 

Take karate, yoga, travel, go to theater etc because you enjoy it, not because you're secretly wishing to meet someone there.

 

Most of dating success is based on luck. Right place, right time. That's what it boils down to a majority of the time. Your number will come up.

 

Until that time comes, live your life and do things you enjoy.

 

This.

 

When you're happy with your life, it tends to show. People are more likely to be drawn to you and feel comfortable around you. Most decent guys are more likely to approach a woman if she gives off a positive vibe.