Why has he stopped contacting me? Please help, I need some insight!

[Gottabestrong]

Dear everyone,

 

my bf of 2.5 years broke up with me on the 1st of October. (My post is on this site if you want to read it, it is long though).

 

Anyway, since he broke up over 1.5 months ago, he kept on contacting me via sms or email on practically a daily basis. He said that he needed time to figure out what he wants and needs space and time to himself. Therefore in order not to pressure him, I often did not reply for 4-5 days, but he still kept on writing me.

 

A week ago I sent him an email asking how he was. He said that it was great hearing from me and if I would like to meet 'even if only for 5 minutes or a cup of coffee'. I agreed.

 

Last thursday I called him to arrange a meeting. While talking I could not help it, but ask if he made any progress and knew what he wanted. Well, he said that he did not love me anymore, did not miss me, and did not want to get back together now or in the near future. Great!

 

We still met the next day because I had to give him some of his stuff back. I expected the meeting to go badly and be awkward, but it was not.

 

He was nice and sweet, and wanted me to stay longer, when I wanted to leave. In the end he gave me a kiss and a hug and said that it was great seeing me.

 

Later that evening he sent me an sms saying that it was great seeing me, and that I looked really good. Next day he sent me an sms saying that it was really good to see me and that we would have to meet again, so I could give him his mail. I replied to both his sms and said that it would be okay to meet, he should just tell me when.

 

That was 4 days ago, and I have not heard from him yet. Why?????? Ever since he broke up with me he never went for more than a day without contacting me, but now suddenly nothing.

 

I dont understand it, and it drives me crazy. When he once said that he did not want contact for a few weeks, he wrote me two days later, but now, after the first pleasant evening in over a month, I hear nothing from him. And he would have the perfect excuse (his mail) if he did not want to seem interested.

 

I can't think about anything else at the moment. I cant eat, cant focus on university or work and just feel sick the whole time.

 

Do you have any idea what his lack of contact could be caused by? Do you think I should contact him? I dont want to pursue him, but I also dont want to lose him. Will I push him away if I contact him?

 

Please tell me what you think as this is driving me crazy.

[bluechocolate]

Do you have any idea what his lack of contact could be caused by?

 

I would say that this,

 

....he said that he did not love me anymore, did not miss me, and did not want to get back together now or in the near future.

 

is the most likely reason. He probably doesn't want to give you any false hopes.

 

Do you think I should contact him?

 

No. You told him this,

 

....he should just tell me when.

 

now I think you should really leave it up to him.

 

The best way to win him back is to work on yourself - become a calm, self-assured, confident, single individual. The next time he calls & you meet up he may just wonder what the hell he was doing letting you go in the first place.

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Blue Chocolate,

 

thanks for taking the time to answer me.

 

So you think he does not contact me because he does not want to give me false hope? Why did he contact me basically daily then since he broke up with me? Do you think that he had not made his mind up then?

 

Why did he write twice after we met to tell me that he had a good time, that I looked really good and that he wanted to meet again, if he did not want to give me any false hope?

 

I am just worried that if we dont have contact he will just accept that it is over and not think about it anymore. I am not saying that he has not made up his mind that it is over, but I know that he is a head person and he believes in 'out of sight, out of mind'.

 

He told me how he ended things with his ex-girlfriends and he never contacted them again, because he thinks that once it is over it is over. He also said that he expects me to meet someone else soon, as all his exes had a new guy a month after they broke up with him.

 

I would like to have a friendship with him, but if we dont have contact, how can we build it? Yes, I want a friendship so that hopefully we can get back together in the future, but for now I just want to have contact with him.

 

I am scared that I will not hear from him for a long time, and by then he will already have someone new.

 

Thanks for any advice.

[bluechocolate]

Why did he contact me basically daily then since he broke up with me?

 

He probably thought it was the "right" thing to do & it helps to ease his conscience that he may have hurt someone.

 

Do you think that he had not made his mind up then?

 

That is entirely possible of course, but then again so are many other things one could come up with.

 

I am just worried that if we don't have contact he will just accept that it is over and not think about it anymore.

 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this,

 

....he said that he did not love me anymore, did not miss me, and did not want to get back together now or in the near future.

 

sounds to me like he has already accepted that it is over. And again,

 

He told me how he ended things with his ex-girlfriends and he never contacted them again, because he thinks that once it is over it is over.

 

he was telling you how it's going to be.

 

Like I said, it sounds to me that he has accepted that it's over. The best way for you to start healing is to accept that too. I know it won't be easy, but it is the most logical place to start because ultimately, no matter what you do or say, you cannot change his feelings. I think once you accept that it's over the road to friendship will become less rocky. (how corny was that!! )

 

...but for now I just want to have contact with him.

 

Keep calling him then, but personally I don't think that would be a good idea right now.

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Blue Chocholate,

 

thanks again for your input, and you are probably right, but right now I find it very hard to accept that this is really over.

 

I am hanging on to the fact that we really had a good time when we met last weekend and that he sent me 3 sms afterwards repeating that he really had a good time and saying that he wanted to meet again. In the past he has asked me to forward his mail to his new address, so he could have just asked me to do that again.

 

He told me about how he broke up with his ex-girlfriends a long time ago, when we were still happily dating and I just asked him about his exes.

 

The fact that he kept contacting me after he broke up gives me hope because that was different from his usual pattern in break-ups.

 

I just have to hang on for the moment to the idea of him still caring about me, but being confused with what he wants and needing time by himself.

 

It is so strange that he has not answered to my last sms, because he always has, he is just a very polite guy that even replies to messages from people he does not like.

 

I am starting to think that maybe he did not get it or that I did not get his reply. I am probably making up excuses, but I am going crazy and try not to break down right now.

 

If anyone has any opinion on my situation, I would really appreciate an answer, thanks.

[lost_in_chgo]

HE got your message.

Leave him alone or you are going to push him further away.

 

He contacts you because he feels bad about breaking it off, not because he wants to get back together. That part will take some time.

 

The most difficult thing to do is to wait.

 

My ex did the same to me, she contacted me constantly after the breakup for awhile, but I kept pushing her with flowers, etc. She enjoyed that I think, but eventually she was dating someone else and it interfered and she got angry and switched me off.

 

Now just getting her to talk to me is nearly impossible.

When she does, she will spend all day IM'ing me, but then she's gone again.

[UnicornGirl]

I think it's helpful for us girls to realize that guys PULL AWAY when things get emotional 99% of the time. It may not happen right away but it will happen, and if you do something fun for yourself and forget about the relationship for a while, HE WILL COME BACK.

 

4 days is not a long time. Don't go chasing after him or he'll think it's not cool for him to retract after a fulfilling, emotional meeting with you. He will contact you, just do something cool and go out with friends and relax until then.

 

Important: When he DOES come back, welcome him lovingly and happily. I read all about this in Mars/Venus and it is SO TRUE. Guys pull away for a while and then snap back expecting the relationship to be exactly as it was when he left. No, it's not fair, but we do unfair things to them as well. Just accept that he's a guy and he's going to go away for a little while after an emotional experience.

 

It's difficult for us ladies to understand because the only reason WE would pull away is if we were seriously pissed off at our SO.

 

Don't give up hope. My ex is doing the same sh*t to me right now and it hurts!!! Last weekend he was crying and emotional and tender-hearted, willing to talk about the relationship; NOW he's Mr. Cool and doesn't have 2 seconds to answer my e-mail or talk on the phone for more than 2 seconds, finishing with a noncommittal "I'll talk to you sometime."

 

But being nice and accepting when he comes back will elicit a positive response. I promise. Just you wait. Until then, do something fun with friends and enjoy your free time and take care of yourself.

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Unicorngirl,

 

thanks for your input.

 

While I appreciate everyone's input, I felt that I was going mad after the guys advice. Because to me it felt that we had a great evening, but according to the boys, he just did not care anymore and was just being friendly.

 

Made me feel like I cant trust my feelings anymore.

 

You have given me some hope and I will try and not contact him for as long as possible, and once he finally does, I will be loving and friendly, thanks for the tip.

 

I know I am probably stupid thinking it, but I still want to be sure that he is okay, so I will ask a colleague of mine to call him tonight and ask for someone else. When he picks up the phone I know that he is allright and just has not contacted me. My sister still keeps putting thoughts into my brain, that he might have had an accident and cant get to a phone.

 

Do you think that is a stupid thing to do and I am just deluding myself?

 

I really wish you good luck with your guy, hope everything works out for you!

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by Gottabestrong

Dear Unicorngirl,

 

thanks for your input.

 

While I appreciate everyone's input, I felt that I was going mad after the guys advice. Because to me it felt that we had a great evening, but according to the boys, he just did not care anymore and was just being friendly.

 

Made me feel like I cant trust my feelings anymore.

 

You have given me some hope and I will try and not contact him for as long as possible, and once he finally does, I will be loving and friendly, thanks for the tip.

 

I know I am probably stupid thinking it, but I still want to be sure that he is okay, so I will ask a colleague of mine to call him tonight and ask for someone else. When he picks up the phone I know that he is allright and just has not contacted me. My sister still keeps putting thoughts into my brain, that he might have had an accident and cant get to a phone.

 

Do you think that is a stupid thing to do and I am just deluding myself?

 

I really wish you good luck with your guy, hope everything works out for you!

 

You can always trust your feelings. But you can't know what another person is thinking. He's being a jerk right now no matter what the circumstances. I don't think you should have anyone call him for you, because look at it this way: he's probably fine, and hearing that he's talking to someone else like all is normal will only make you feel like crap. If he's not fine, you would have been or will be notified!

 

(Funny related story: I once thought my guy was in a wreck because he didn't call me when he got home. I was up till 3 in the morning crying. He was actually just really tired and fell asleep when he got home and when he woke up thought he had called me.)

 

But if you're sincerely worried, you can do that. As long as it doesn't seem suspicious to him!

 

If he's not contacting for a period that is unbearable for you (and that's your definition of unbearable -- sometimes 2 weeks can seem unbearable!), I suggest you send him something in the mail. A little something to make your presence known -- like a little drawing, a newspaper clipping, a beautiful fall leaf, something like that, and just write a casual, sweet note saying something like "Hope you're having a great week!"

 

That's a way of initiating contact that doesn't make him feel on the spot. Think about it -- if you call after he's not called you for three weeks, you're likely to sound pissed off and he's likely to be defensive from the very beginning about how he hasn't called you. And something like this lets him know you're not sitting there boiling over with anger, ready to pounce when he decides to come back -- it shows you think he's a good guy and you have affection for him even when he's not there.

 

I know this may sound kind of passive, like not the traditional "stand up for yourself and don't worry about that jerk!" rhetoric we get from women's magazines and friends. That may assert that we think they're jerks like Cosmo and Oprah say to do, but it doesn't help the relationship at all. I think this is a much more effective approach to getting what you want. If you yell at him or ditch him entirely or write him off as a loser, you don't have love and respect for his feelings or trust that he's a good guy doing the best he can, which is essential to your relationship.

 

In fact, I think guys stretch away in these kinds of situations, especially if there's a breakup involved, because they're weirded out and don't know what to do. Then I think they can sometimes get freaked out about coming back because they're assuming we're going to be majorly pissed and posessive and whiny. Think about what could happen if you prove his assumptions wrong?

 

He must have some sort of caring for you, even if it's only a little flame that could easily be blown out. Don't blow it out. Give it some air and protect it from storms, and care for it without smothering it, and that flame can grow into a roaring fire, even stronger than it was before!

 

I am sorry the guys' advice hurts -- I think it's just a different perspective. Things people say on this board often make me really depressed because a lot of people seem to have been hurt by breakups and insist that you can't be friends with an ex, you can't get back together, it's all just impossible and we should go ahead and give up. Well, we should give up trying to argue and fight our guys to come back, but we shouldn't give up loving them and ourselves!

[Gottabestrong]

So I asked a colleague to call his cell and ask for someone else. She did and he answered the phone all happy and cheery.

 

Still have not heard from him and it has been six days. Knowing that he is alright forces me to accept that he does not contact me because he just does not WANT to, and that is that.

 

I still don't understand how he went so fast from nearly daily contact to no contact at all, but he must have his reasons.

 

I have started believing that he has met someone else and that's why he shut off suddenly. I guess the guys were right when they said that he was feeling guilty for hurting me and therefore kept on contacting me. Now that he has met someone new, he does not want to contact me because he might be afraid of hurting me even more, when I find out. That is just my impression.

 

I am daily fighting with myself between not contacting him or sending him a text saying something along the lines of: "Hi, how are you. Seems like you want to stop contact, that's fine, but you could have told me."

 

I really wish that he would at least say goodbye, or say that he thinks it would be for the best to have no contact for a while.

 

A friend of mine thinks that his being extra nice and friendly last friday is a bad sign, as it seems like he felt guilty for having met someone else. Do you guys agree with that?

 

2 weeks of no contact being unbearable? I thought 4 days are unbearable!!

 

I hope it is really just his stretching away for a bit and trying to figure out things on his own, but somehow I believe that there is someone else involved, and unfortunately I am usually right about these things. Not good.

 

I have the rest of the month of as we both had been planning to go away for a vacation for a few months already. I have decided to not sit around at home feeling sad and lonely and staring at the phone or checking my emails 5 times a day, but instead go away by myself.

 

I really have to get away from here and put some physical distance between us. Hope when I come back he has contacted me in between, but I can not expect that. And if he has not contacted me, then it will be 12 days more since we last spoke.

 

Feeling rather depressed and sad now, but hope I will get through this.

 

Thanks for reading my posts. Would love to hear from you good people.

[UnicornGirl]

Well, if he really HAS met someone else, it sucks -- but it's not the end of the world. This happens in long-term relationships, and the less you demand and push for information, the more damage you do to the potential for getting back together if you want to.

 

I think instead of feeling bad about your "sense" that he has found someone else, you should analyze WHY you are so convinced there is someone else. Often "being sure" our SO has found another is simply a conviction that we feel bad about ourselves, that we feel unattractive and unworthy, rejected.

 

Frankly, who gives a damn if he's met someone else? He doesn't have with them what he had with you. Often if you let 'em see who else is out there, they love you all the more for it. The idea of exclusive love promotes so much resentment and pressure in a relationship. IMHO, a long-term relationship requires freedom more than anything else, including the freedom to pursue another person if the other so wishes. Usually if things are set up this way, the relationship becomes naturally exclusive of others, rather than through desperate clinging and fear.

 

I think you could text him and say, "Hey, I had a great time last Friday and I hope your week's going great. Would you catch a movie with me [insert specific date and time]?"

 

This is a way of saying hi without looking resentful, upset, or putting any pressure on him.

 

Whatever you do, and I hope you haven't already, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT SEND THE MESSAGE IN YOUR POST: "Hi, how are you. Seems like you want to stop contact, that's fine, but you could have told me."

 

No no no no no! Don't do it! That message is a loaded gun -- it may look simple and nice, but it's resentful, pressing, and unloving. I promise you. Do not send that.

 

So I'm seeing a desire for contact from you. I think you should do that if you like. I adopt that strategy with my ex. If I really desire to talk to him and he's not calling, I send him a little funny joke by e-mail and let him know I'm not pissed off or clingy, but I'm thinking about him and hoping we'll communicate soon.

 

I suggest that you send the text I recommended, and see whether he replies.

 

If he doesn't reply: Don't worry. We will talk more about what to do. Don't see it as the end of the world. If he's ignoring you, then you need to get out and do some fun and interesting things and most importantly, feel good about yourself.

 

If he does: See a movie with him. Look absolutely stunning. Laugh. Have a good time. Do not give meaningful glances or start crying. Do not expect ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING. The less you expect, the more you will get.

 

I also think you should go on vacation WITH SOME FRIENDS, or with SOMEONE, anyone! Don't go off by yourself, go out and have some fun. When you come back, if you and your bf communicate, and he asks what you've been up to, mention straightforwardly that you went on vacation with [whoever].

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Unicorngilrl,

 

good to hear from you! What has happened in your situation? Have you heard from your guy or contacted him yet?

 

Thanks a lot for talking to me about my problems, I am always looking forward to your posts.

 

So, did I misread something, or do you really think that the LESS I demand and push for info, the MORE damage I do to the potential of getting together?

 

Where do I get the idea from that he has found someone else? Well, from the fact that he has not contacted me for a week now, that he was really nice the last time I saw him (my friend thinks that's a sign for a bad conscience) and from the fact when I asked him last week what he was doing on saturday, he did not want to tell me. When I pressed, he said he was going to watch football. Something he has never kept from me before.

 

I would love to text him, but I am afraid that I will bother him if I write. Once or twice before he did not reply to a message I sent him and I felt really bad afterwards. Dont want to feel that way again, so I have not written him yet.

 

Therefore I have not sent him this other message either, the one which you REALLY dont like.

 

I still have some of his letters, that he received over a week ago. Last thing I heard from him was: "Hi Angel, we will have to meet so I can get my letters. Love, XX"

 

So I thought that I would just send him his letters tomorrow by post and add a note saying something like: Hi XX, thought you might like your letters. Hope you are doing fine. Love,XX"

 

What do you think? Is that okay, or too much lovey-dopey?

 

I would love to go on vacation with a friend of family member, but none of them have money, time or interest in going away right now. So my only other alternative is to go by myself, if I dont want to stay home.

 

Why do you think it would be bad for me to go off by myself? Would be too depressing? I think it might be good for my selfesteem to see that I can have fun by myself.

 

Thanks for your support Unicorngirl, you are a G-d send!

[Gottabestrong]

Today was the first time I received a textmessage from my ex after 7 days of no contact!

 

I never thought this day would come, and now I am so happy that I did not contact him in the last week, even though I wanted to do that soooooo much.

 

It was a nice message, he asked me how I was doing and what was new in my life. He also mentioned that Ireland was voted as the best country in the world to live in, and reminded me that we nearly moved there a year ago.

 

I was not sure why he mentioned the last part, but resisted the temptation to ask about it.

 

A few hours later I replied with a nice friendly message saying that I was doing fine and hope he was good too.

 

He has not replied yet, but I was not expecting to hear from so soon anyway.

 

Anyway, I wanted to thank everyone for telling me to wait and not contact him. I feel so much better now for him contacting me first.

 

And I also want to give everyone out there hope who is waiting for their ex to contact them and is tempted to contact them first.

WAIT! Be patient. If he/she calls first, it gives you such a nice feeling.

 

Good luck to all of you out there.

 

Oh yeah, btw. I have decided to go to Montreal for a few days. I am lucky because I have a friend there who invited me to stay at her place. So I'll get to spend time with a dear friend and save loads of money. Yeah! Lucky me.

[jones220]

"It's difficult for us ladies to understand because the only reason WE would pull away is if we were seriously pissed off at our SO."

 

Just wanted to ask about this. My now-ex did this I believe with me. I started to pull away because of emotions, and shortly after she started to pull back, right after I started coming back around. I hope we work it out b/c I miss her like crazy. She said nothing bad happened, just that it never passed for her. I'm hoping that being broken up and apart will give us both time to sort through things and work on ourselves and come back. No girl I've gone on a date with since compares to her at all.

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by Gottabestrong

Today was the first time I received a textmessage from my ex after 7 days of no contact!

 

I never thought this day would come, and now I am so happy that I did not contact him in the last week, even though I wanted to do that soooooo much.

 

It was a nice message, he asked me how I was doing and what was new in my life. He also mentioned that Ireland was voted as the best country in the world to live in, and reminded me that we nearly moved there a year ago.

 

I was not sure why he mentioned the last part, but resisted the temptation to ask about it.

 

A few hours later I replied with a nice friendly message saying that I was doing fine and hope he was good too.

 

He has not replied yet, but I was not expecting to hear from so soon anyway.

 

Anyway, I wanted to thank everyone for telling me to wait and not contact him. I feel so much better now for him contacting me first.

 

And I also want to give everyone out there hope who is waiting for their ex to contact them and is tempted to contact them first.

WAIT! Be patient. If he/she calls first, it gives you such a nice feeling.

 

Good luck to all of you out there.

 

Oh yeah, btw. I have decided to go to Montreal for a few days. I am lucky because I have a friend there who invited me to stay at her place. So I'll get to spend time with a dear friend and save loads of money. Yeah! Lucky me.

 

YAY! I'm so glad things worked out well!

 

I think you're too quick to jump to the conclusion that he's seeing someone else. C'mon, have some confidence in the guy -- he might actually be a good guy deep down. Don't torment yourself with visions of him with someone else. Like I said, imagining someone else hurts YOU, not the other person, and has to do with your self esteem.

 

Good, good. Montreal is good. Have fun! One great thing about a breakup, even if things work out in the end, is you really learn to value your friendships outside the relationship, and learn how to get your own social life without always having someone to depend on.

 

One thing I want to warn you about. I believe that guys in this situation often subtly, maybe even not purposefully, "test" you. My ex tests me by mentioning his female friends, events he goes to, things he does without me that I previously would have been jealous about. I now smile and ask questions about his friends and what they're like. I say they seem wonderful, even his freakish pot-smoking next door neighbor. I think I am passing these subtle tests very well.

 

A more difficult test might be, "There's this girl I know, she's so amazing and beautiful and smart, I'm so glad she's my friend." Hopefully that won't happen, but if it did, I'd know how to handle it -- be nice and interested, yet not so nice as to seem fake and over-sugared in a pathetic attempt to win him back by "being on my best behavior." I want to show him I love him no matter what, but to keep it from seeming fake, I keep my distance. It's like when you're first dating someone -- you play it cool, don't tell them your real feelings at first.

 

You definitely misunderstood (you referred to this in the post right before) -- I didn't mean to imply the less you push the more damage you do. That's not right at all. Whoops. I'd reread and find out what happened but I'm too lazy! So ... pushiness does not reward you at all, in any way. Not at all. You said you pressed him to find out what his plans were for a weekend -- DO NOT DO THAT! Yikes! In that situation I think it's best to play it cool and not worry and be paranoid. He'll be impressed. Any sort of pressure is bad.

 

I am glad my advice has helped you, that's a nice feeling. I have hope for all of us that want our special someones back and I know it's a difficult feat. But not impossible. And the chance for a great relationship awaits all of us, we're all learning how to love and it's a wonderful thing.

 

Originally posted by jones220

"It's difficult for us ladies to understand because the only reason WE would pull away is if we were seriously pissed off at our SO."

 

Just wanted to ask about this. My now-ex did this I believe with me. I started to pull away because of emotions, and shortly after she started to pull back, right after I started coming back around. I hope we work it out b/c I miss her like crazy. She said nothing bad happened, just that it never passed for her. I'm hoping that being broken up and apart will give us both time to sort through things and work on ourselves and come back. No girl I've gone on a date with since compares to her at all.

 

Very typical problem! We are afraid when guys pull away and it makes us resentful and nasty and we then try to make the guy feel like sh** for abandoning us ... which can led to them giving up on the relationship! Vicious cycle! Read Women are From Mars, Men are From Venus at the library or in the bookstore or something. It has a detailed explanation of the pulling away thing and how women view it. It's in the chapter "Men are Like Rubber Bands." Hopefully your ex is not misguided and immature enough to not try things again ... it sounds like you were first dating and that's a good place to be for all this. I really suggest you read the book and try spending time with her again applying what you've learned. I think you've got a chance.