Finally shifting my (self-sabotaging) ways

[Teknoe]

There's a new girl in my life that I'm beginning to become interested in, and my original email draft went something like this:

 

"Hey, wondering if you can stop by tomorrow to give me a hand? I need help with ____. I already asked ____ and ____, and neither can make it, so that leaves you, "the woman with a boring life" (your words, not mine).

-Tek"

 

Note: She said to me earlier that day "I have a boring life." So I was throwing her own comment back at her.

 

I was about to hit send but stopped. What's up with the lame insult? What's up with making her feel like she's a last choice, 3rd option? So and so can't make it so that leaves you? Way to make a girl feel like a gem, lol.

 

Now I don't want to chase/pursue either, but I struck a happy medium of nonchalant and casual. My sent email was

 

"Hey, just wondering if you can help out tomorrow. Would appreciate it a lot if you did, but totally understandable if you're busy.

-Tek"

 

No insults, no misc. info she doesn't have to know (i.e. two other girls said they can't make it), and no jokes. It wasn't "loud" or "try too hard." It was whatever kind of attitude. So, we'll see how she responds, if she comes tomorrow or not.

 

I think my last crush episode taught me a lot:

 

-Don't chase (once you chase, it's usually over)

-Don't confess

-Play/keep it cool/nonchalant

 

I feel like I've taken a big step in my "opposite sex game." Maybe my last "failed crush" was actually a step of success -- now moving down the right direction, and with someone who will actually appreciate all I have to offer!

[Els]

Errr, Teknoe, I really don't think that one failed crush is sufficient to draw those conclusions from.

 

My thoughts on what you learnt:

 

- Don't chase (correct, if and only if the person has already rejected you, as in the case of your crush)

- Don't confess (might or might not be true depending on the person)

- Play/keep it cool (Only works if it comes from the inside. From the way your post reads, it seems like you're still thinking a lot about the failed crush. I think you should GENUINELY try to move on from her, not just pretend to her that you are. And you are analyzing communication with the new girl a bit much, IMO - Edited for clarity)

 

Some of the guys here are going to give you heaps of lectures on how 'the game' works - and they may or may not be right.

 

But what I think would really help you, as is evident from the way your communication is phrased and the way you talk about it: Getting out in the world a bit more. I think you're taking a lot of steps towards it - as far as I know you aren't depending on your church as your sole social circle anymore, and you have a full-time job now.

 

Excellent! I think you're learning a lot, but these things take time. Next steps would be to move out from your parents' home, forge your own identity as an independent adult, and get to know even more people.

 

Wishing you all the best.

Edited September 7, 2013 by Elswyth

[Teknoe]

Thanks Els.

 

Well, I texted her after breakfast yesterday as promised, just to say "Hey, I'm finished with breakfast now. Stop by if you can."

 

She replied back, "Hey, I have to go in a bit to pick up my mom from the airport. Sorry!"

 

I texted right back, "no worries."

 

Was tempted to text back something "witty" or "cute" like "oh yeah, moms > _____ (whatever she was going to help me out on)." or "Hey wow, I am picking up my dad from the airport tomorrow!"

 

Instead, I kept it very casual and nonchalant. I kept it classy and where I didn't expect a reply or response from her. You don't want to be entertaining or "loud" ALL the time.

 

And I have not contacted her since. I won't see her until tomorrow morning for work. I'm going to try and keep this as casual and nonchalant as I can. If it's to work out, she needs to chase me.

 

Meanwhile, I know at least of 1 guy hitting on her, so I'm sure she has 2-3 more I don't know about. I'll let those guys swing for the fences, confess and do all the other horrible "just a nice guy" moves, and hopefully my casualness/playfulness/nonchalance will rub off on her as me being a "challenge" and someone she would want to chase a bit. We'll see how this goes. It's better than my past record and style which is basically like 1 for 20.