bbarnt Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 It has been 2 months since I last heard from my AP. Basically, she told me she doesnt have the strength to leave her H so I went NC and told her to contact me only if she is ready to be with me. Our A lasted for nearly 2 years and there have been many attempts to leave our spouses and be together. During past two months I came to realisation that my marriage is also dead and initiated divorce. For all this time I thought that my AP returned to her marriage even though there were some attempts of fishing from her such as posting statuses on FB indicating she misses me. I ignored it all. Yesterday my AP and I met for the first time after two months. It was lunch at our office (we work together) after which we went for a coffee. In her words, she can no longer live without me and wants to spend her life with me. Next week I leave for a business trip abroad that will last a month I asked when she is planning to do it. Her reply was that by the time I get back her divorce will be underway. Also, she said that she will wait for me but does not have any expectations and understands if I dont want to have anything with her after things she did in the past. I asked to remain in NC until things start to happen and she agreed with this. I am now genuinely confused. She does not have any benefit of telling me this as I am leaving next week and will be away for a month. Also, she agreed with continuation of NC. In a way I hope that this could be real but I dont want to get my hopes up high and then get hurt again. Is this some attempt of fishing or could it be that she is serious? Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 It seems women are generally more apt to leave their H for their AP, from what I've read here. I don't know how true it is and I'm sure it varies a lot. I guess only time will tell. Actions certainly speak louder than words. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 No way of telling if she'll go through with it or not. It sounds like she wants to but is too scared. Only time will tell. It is good that you are going away for a month. Stay NC and you'll know if she was sincere when you get back. My exMM often made dramatic statements of his plans to leave, but in the end, he couldn't do it. How is your own divorce going? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bbarnt Posted September 8, 2013 Author Share Posted September 8, 2013 Here is a little update. She called this afternoon saying she cant go on like this and wants to tell her H about divorce and everything else tonight. She asked if something goes wrong (him getting mad etc) can she call me. She also told me she will let me know how things went once she finishes this conversation with him. So here I am, sitting on my balcony hoping that this might be it. Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted September 8, 2013 Share Posted September 8, 2013 It is hard to tell whether this is bull**** or not. But I would say the best thing is, if she really wants to end her marriage, she has to do it because she wants that for herself, for her future, irrespective of you really. I can understand how hard it must be, but I think you need to step back as much as possible so she sorts this all out on her own two feet. Link to post Share on other sites
tiernan Posted September 8, 2013 Share Posted September 8, 2013 She may truly want it at the moment. I was there a couple of times. my exMM was claiming he couldn't live without me. He left his wife but whenever she pressued him too hard he was having doubts. Last time it was in April when I took him back. Now he still has a pang of guilty conscience and wants to come back to his family. It is a risky business. Stay away and NC until she gets a divorce. I wish I had done that. It would save me so much pain and despair now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted September 8, 2013 Share Posted September 8, 2013 Here is a little update. She called this afternoon saying she cant go on like this and wants to tell her H about divorce and everything else tonight. She asked if something goes wrong (him getting mad etc) can she call me. She also told me she will let me know how things went once she finishes this conversation with him. So here I am, sitting on my balcony hoping that this might be it. Keep us posted please. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bbarnt Posted September 9, 2013 Author Share Posted September 9, 2013 Well, apparently they did have conversation. In her words, she told him that she is unhappy for a long time, does not see future with him and wants to find her peace without him. She also asked whether he will make her any problems if she goes her own way. He said that he will not stand on her way as he sees for a long time that she is not happy. I am leaving in three days for business trip abroad and will be away for 4 weeks. She told me that she will by the time I come back have her divorce underway and wait for me. Also, she asked me if I could give her some space to finish this alone. I must admit that for some reason I am not convinced. She tried to convince me, talked a lot but part of me feels that something is not right. There is one thing though that bothers me. After our countless breakups I used to ask her "can I trust you now?" She would try to avoid answer and change topic. This time, she said without hesitation "yes, you can". Any opinions are welcome. I am not sure whether should I go completely NC now or be there for her. It hurts me a lot to talk to her and to raise this topic of divorce but I am willing to sacrifice a bit more for her not to feel pressured. Yet, I do not want to be someone's fool at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
JPMC Posted September 9, 2013 Share Posted September 9, 2013 Business as usual. Go no contact. Don't be there for her. You'll be a bridge, a doormat, a rebound etc. When the divorce is final, date. Meanwhile, date other woman and go on with your life as you would if she didn't call. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tiernan Posted September 9, 2013 Share Posted September 9, 2013 Stay NC. Tell her you will wait, but until then NC. It is the only way to check her determination to be with you. I had the same thing and he also needed a month to close things with wife and children. The problem is that it cannot be ultimately solved in any other way than divorce. Let her have her space, but NC until she files. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted September 9, 2013 Share Posted September 9, 2013 If the H gave her the green light for divorce, why isn't she filing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bbarnt Posted September 9, 2013 Author Share Posted September 9, 2013 If the H gave her the green light for divorce, why isn't she filing? Well all of this happened today. I asked her what are her next steps and she replied without hesitation that she will file for divorce over coming days and weeks and that she will be there for me when I return. She told me that her initial plan was to sort things with her H while I am away next month and then contact me. But then this coffee and lunch came last week and she could not stand it anymore. Like I said for some reason I do not believe her that she is serious. It is just a feeling despite all her words trying to convince that she is. Honestly, I do not think she will go through with this. I do not want to get hurt and thinking to go NC to protect myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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