Baby123 Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 Do any OW/OM feel guilty over their part in the A? Do you ever feel guilty over what you put the BS, MM's children, and MM through? At times I feel very sorry for the BS, other times I can't see sense and am blinding by my feelings for my MM and have seen her as competition and hated her for it, and for being first. Ultimatley I know me and him have wronged her. I use ways to justify it like, she had her own A years ago, but that doesn't take away my part in her pain. MM did leave quickly and did not string her along for a long time, but now when there reconciling he is still giving her crumbs and me all of his love and affection which is wrong of him. The children ultimately want their parents together, they have so much animosity towards me for being what their father loved, what he left them for. They say this has been the worst year of their lives. For my MM I feel guilt, he should be with his family, its the easier, right 100% safe thing for him to do, we both know it. But I always pull him back and away from his family, because I know he loves me more. I guess I feel guilty but not enough to control myself. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 Yes, I do, guilt and regret. Sometimes way more severely than others, but always. Only for his W, though. MM is choosing his part, as am I. His kids are grown, his W is not their mother and they do not have a good relationship with her. Link to post Share on other sites
hermione08 Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 I feel terrible regret for the pain I caused my ex partner. I will never get over the hurt I caused him, not if I lived to be 100. After 2 years the pain is the same if not worse. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 Guilt is counterproductive. I prefer to devote my time and energy to positive, constructive pursuits. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 Do any OW/OM feel guilty over their part in the A? Do you ever feel guilty over what you put the BS, MM's children, and MM through? At times I feel very sorry for the BS, other times I can't see sense and am blinding by my feelings for my MM and have seen her as competition and hated her for it, and for being first. Ultimatley I know me and him have wronged her. I use ways to justify it like, she had her own A years ago, but that doesn't take away my part in her pain. MM did leave quickly and did not string her along for a long time, but now when there reconciling he is still giving her crumbs and me all of his love and affection which is wrong of him. The children ultimately want their parents together, they have so much animosity towards me for being what their father loved, what he left them for. They say this has been the worst year of their lives. For my MM I feel guilt, he should be with his family, its the easier, right 100% safe thing for him to do, we both know it. But I always pull him back and away from his family, because I know he loves me more. I guess I feel guilty but not enough to control myself. Why are you pulling him away from his kids? Can't you, as his partner, encourage him to spend time with his children and foster a relationship with them? Do you want him to love you more than his kids? I find your statement that he loves you more than his kids a bit alarming. The love MOST parents have for their children is a completely different type of love than romantic love and isn't comparable. It is the type of love that is self-sacrificing and unending...I think you need to let him mend his relationship with his children. He doesn't need to be with his wife to be a good father. My exH is in a relationship. My daughters don't particularly like his chicky-poo but he makes lots of time to spend with them alone. It is complicated, but it doesn't need to be one or the other if YOU are being grown up about it. Are you? Or are you actually competing for his attention with his children? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 I felt guilt, but it was more toward God as I felt I was dishonoring the institution of marriage. Secondly, toward W, but not as much. Mostly toward God. The relationship of MM and BW is not a good one and they really need to end it for themselves even with me out of the picture. The kids are grown, except for one who has a short time left to live at home. And I doubt they really care as the family is not close at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Baby123 Posted September 7, 2013 Author Share Posted September 7, 2013 Why are you pulling him away from his kids? Can't you, as his partner, encourage him to spend time with his children and foster a relationship with them? Do you want him to love you more than his kids? I find your statement that he loves you more than his kids a bit alarming. The love MOST parents have for their children is a completely different type of love than romantic love and isn't comparable. It is the type of love that is self-sacrificing and unending...I think you need to let him mend his relationship with his children. He doesn't need to be with his wife to be a good father. My exH is in a relationship. My daughters don't particularly like his chicky-poo but he makes lots of time to spend with them alone. It is complicated, but it doesn't need to be one or the other if YOU are being grown up about it. Are you? Or are you actually competing for his attention with his children? He struggles with not seeing them everyday, he was a very hands on parent and says he feels like he's missing out on the day to day stuff. Just 2-3 days a week is not enough for him, or them. There nearly grown but rely on him aswell as a friend and parent. They would move in with him but there mom is a wreck. Its hard, when hes with me he misses them, when hes with them he misses me. They were originally fine with me, even with me being closer to their age then MM's but when the BS started suffering from heavy depression and suicide attempts have tried to do anything and everything to get their parents back together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Baby123 Posted September 7, 2013 Author Share Posted September 7, 2013 Guilt is counterproductive. I prefer to devote my time and energy to positive, constructive pursuits. So as in being friendly and supportive of the BS? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
LilGirlandOW Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 I honestly dont feel any guilt I am actually a good person and I feel guilt, just not about the A. He spends quality time with his kids everyday, puts them to bed everynight. He describes him and BS as roommates, its hard to believe that as untrue because if he's not at work or with his kids he's with me. I might feel guilty if I knew he and BS were in a lovey/hand-holding kinda relationship and I came by to swoop up her man, but they're as he describes business partners in raising the kids and merely live in the same house for now. Its like I'm dating anybodys roommate, not somebodys SO. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 I honestly dont feel any guilt I am actually a good person and I feel guilt, just not about the A. He spends quality time with his kids everyday, puts them to bed everynight. He describes him and BS as roommates, its hard to believe that as untrue because if he's not at work or with his kids he's with me. I might feel guilty if I knew he and BS were in a lovey/hand-holding kinda relationship and I came by to swoop up her man, but they're as he describes business partners in raising the kids and merely live in the same house for now. Its like I'm dating anybodys roommate, not somebodys SO. Except people can tell their roommates about their SO though.... 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Red Wolverine Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 Do any OW/OM feel guilty over their part in the A? Do you ever feel guilty over what you put the BS, MM's children, and MM through? Regarding his wife and children, I feel tremendous guilt and deserve to. I felt guilty during most of my affair and he knew that. He told me he didn't feel guilty about his wife, only his children. I don't feel guilty about xMM. I did what he wouldn't do.... Made a decision and ended it... Permanently. I wish him well and sincerely hope he has reinvested in his marriage by being honest about his marital issues. His wife is entitled to that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LilGirlandOW Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 Lack of guilt is a symptom of narcissism. Lack of guilt never made anybody a narcissist. A sociopath maybe. In my understanding a narcissist is more identified with somebody who is overly in love with themself, comes from the name of that painting "Narcissus" (sp?) where the man depicted is in love with his reflection in a puddle of water. Sociopaths feel no guilt or remorse. Link to post Share on other sites
rae_lana Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 Some days I don't feel any guilt at all .. But usually I do. Sometimes it's fleeting and I get angry or something and I don't realize it was probably caused by guilty feelings. This last week though I've been sick all week and I know it's from guilt. It's worse when I am alone. When we are all together I'm not feeling anythings wrong.. As soon as I'm alone my stomach aches and my head is filled with what everyone thinks of me. It's turning into paranoia and I'm scared he will confess because I can't wrap my head around him not feeling the same way as me. He must feel the guilt too? He says he doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 I felt guilty towards xMMs W only once, when I heard her voice as they had a casual end-of-day catching up conversation while he was on a business trip and I was sitting right there in his hotel room. Other than that, I did not really feel guilty towards her during or after the A. Regarding my own H, I had moments of guilt during my A, but honest I was do immersed in it and because it was LD, I felt like they were just two separate relationships. However, when we restarted the A underground I felt tremendous guilt. I think because I was only half in the A at that point, plus I'd had 4 months of slight NC healing. After it ended again and to today, I feel very very guilty towards my husband & my little family, plus sort of detached disbelief at the whole thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TwoTowns Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 I absolutely feel guilt, and a lot of regret because not only have I hurt my BS but my daughter too. And neither one wants to forgive me. Ultimately my husband and I are equally to blame for the breakdown in our marriage, and he has long refused to help me work through it or to "own his ****." But my choice to have an affair was totally on me, as are the consequences. My life, and the lives of my husband and kids, are forever changed. Because of me. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 Lack of guilt never made anybody a narcissist. A sociopath maybe. In my understanding a narcissist is more identified with somebody who is overly in love with themself, comes from the name of that painting "Narcissus" (sp?) where the man depicted is in love with his reflection in a puddle of water. Sociopaths feel no guilt or remorse. Actually, lacking in empathy and being unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings of others is one of the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 Do any OW/OM feel guilty over their part in the A? Do you ever feel guilty over what you put the BS, MM's children, and MM through? At times I feel very sorry for the BS, other times I can't see sense and am blinding by my feelings for my MM and have seen her as competition and hated her for it, and for being first. Ultimatley I know me and him have wronged her. I use ways to justify it like, she had her own A years ago, but that doesn't take away my part in her pain. MM did leave quickly and did not string her along for a long time, but now when there reconciling he is still giving her crumbs and me all of his love and affection which is wrong of him. The children ultimately want their parents together, they have so much animosity towards me for being what their father loved, what he left them for. They say this has been the worst year of their lives. For my MM I feel guilt, he should be with his family, its the easier, right 100% safe thing for him to do, we both know it. But I always pull him back and away from his family, because I know he loves me more. I guess I feel guilty but not enough to control myself. I often think I feel more guilty then my mm does. I just think my love for him and what we have out weighs my guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
Anna-Belle Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 Do any OW/OM feel guilty over their part in the A? Do you ever feel guilty over what you put the BS, MM's children, and MM through? No. . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tinker683 Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 My relationship with ex-Engaged Woman ended before she and her SO broke up. To this day I have no idea if he ever found out about us. I'm hopeful that he didn't as I don't wish to have caused him any pain. If I have hurt him though, then I am sorry. I don't regret the relationship but I do regret having hurting him. He deserved better than what happened to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happy stillmore Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 (edited) I do feel guilt even today. I would get such strong physical reactions when I saw pictures of his wife and girls. But, I know there were problems before I came along. The family is dysfunctional. His wife was co dependent and avoided problems. Everyone acted like there wasnt a problem. I think the wife was afraid to come out and ask him what he in case the answer was to be with me. his wife was having a hard time dealing with the situation and I felt guilty for her pain. In reality, he is the main reason for get pain. I thought their marriage was over but he is at fault for staying there and making her believe he was staying.he couldn't deal either. That is why he still there. Nobody still knows what he truly wants. I feel bad for his wife. She can't trust her husband anymore. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. I'm typing on a phone. Edited September 7, 2013 by happy stillmore Link to post Share on other sites
LilGirlandOW Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 Actually, lacking in empathy and being unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings of others is one of the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. absolutely, Although I would say empathy and guilt are two seperate feelings, empathy you feel for/understand others sorrow. Guilt, feeling bad for something you did wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
solostand Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 Yup. I try to keep it smashed down into a tiny ball inside me that's never allowed out, but sometimes it just comes out, you know? One day I was sitting with him in his truck and she phoned. He had her on bluetooth and I heard the whole conversation, it was a very mundane convo about ants in the house. But at the end of the conversation she said "Bye Dear". I thought "Holy ****! This woman has no idea that her husband is in way over his head, in love with another woman who is sitting right here listening to your call, you don't know that he is making love to her three or four times a week and seeing her every day and talking to her on the phone for hours at a time. She does not know that her husband has transferred all of his emotional life from her to me. That I know more about his internal life than she does right now." But then I think she must know, because he says she is suddenly treating him differently. . .being nicer to him. . .he says he thinks she's afraid he's going to die, but I think she knows he's having an affair. . . Anyway, when I let myself think of it - I often picture my father doing this to my mother - it does make me sick with guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
imbetteroff Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 I love your posts Pierre, they're very insightful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 I would say 99% of OWs assume the betrayed wife knows to justify the affair and to reduce the guilt (if there is any). The truth is that the wife does not know. Innocent people assume others are innocent. People judge from their own perspective. Where do you get your data Pierre? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 Lil'girl, you often speak of how incredibly "hot" you are, especially in reference to the MM's Wife. Now you are saying you are a Sociopath that feels no guilt about doing something hateful to another human behind her back, along with having the ability to empathize with someone whose situation you've never been in. I'm truly concerned for your well being and mental state. These aren't, to me, or information taught and written of a "healthy" person... I'm Not saying you should feel guilty or remorseful per-say, but to have zero emotion for what You yourself have written is "wrong", gives one (me) pause. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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