Do any OW/OM feel guilt?

[Goodbye]

You need to be a cheater suspect cheating.

 

Non-cheaters, those that would never ever consider cheating, those that have never been cheated on cannot imagine that the spouse is cheating despite obvious evidence.

 

OTOH, cheaters or those that have been cheated before are very good at detecting the signs of cheating.

 

This issue was discussed in great detail here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/411568-how-can-they-not-know

 

Hope that helps.

 

 

Refresh my memory, were you a cheater?

[bentleychic]

Actually people with trust issues are someone else that would fall in that category. I suspected my exH of cheating for many years. He never did (at least that I'm aware of).

 

(You can point fingers and say that I'm a cheater, but I never was. I've never cheated on someone that I was in a relationship with.)

[bentleychic]

I agree many single OWs never cheat. Some people have lines they don't cross.

Okay, but what I am saying is that when I was married, I suspected my now exH of cheating. I wasn't cheating and never have in a relationship, I just had trust issues. (Instilled in my by my mother. Thanks mom!)

[Daisy2013]

In my prior marriage I almost always had a co-worker second wife. Work was boring if I did not have a romantic interest-------and I was married for almost 20 years. I can spot a cheater a mile away. However, innocent people cannot. This is not rocket science.

 

How can you spot a cheater? Seriously? I was friends with my ex-A partner for years and never knew he was one until he told me he'd cheated on his 2 previous wives. Is it just by the way they act or carry themselves, or how they talk?

[Speakingofwhich]

In my prior marriage I almost always had a co-worker second wife. Work was boring if I did not have a romantic interest-------and I was married for almost 20 years. I can spot a cheater a mile away. However, innocent people cannot. This is not rocket science.

 

Pierre, now that you no longer cheat have you found you enjoy your work?

 

Is it possible that the reason you didn't enjoy your work without an A partner is that you were so accustomed to cheating that you never had a chance to focus on your work and really get into it?

[Speakingofwhich]

^^^^^^^^

don't mean to t/j, but am curious about dedication to work and the ability to perform well in other areas of life while having an A

[canuckprincess]

I have the ability to spot an ow and a bs from a mile away. I can also spot a couple that are affair partners when their out in public places. Like the middle of the day in a movie theatre two people in their forties aren't that affectionate with their spouses but are with their ap's.

[sweet_pea]

I have the ability to spot an ow and a bs from a mile away. I can also spot a couple that are affair partners when their out in public places. Like the middle of the day in a movie theatre two people in their forties aren't that affectionate with their spouses but are with their ap's.

 

How exactly are you able to spot a BS or OW by themselves? What are the clues that give them off?

[ComingInHot]

canuck, my H and I love going to early shows and are affectionate as teens****

 

That aside, I totally see what you are saying there's an affection followed by a "bashfulness" and sideways glances while trying to appear oblivious to their surroundings of which they, for the most part aren't.

 

I wonder though, for those in an A, is it guilt of the forbidden A or the fear of getting caught...?

[carhill]

Do any OW/OM feel guilty over their part in the A? Do you ever feel guilty over what you put the BS, MM's children, and MM through?

 

Perhaps oddly, most of my 'guilt' came about going through MC, when I had to examine the distant past, long before my M, and understand what a fool I had been to believe the tripe which I had been handed, molding my view of the BH over time. It would only been many years later, a couple decades, when the truth was revealed, that I had to face that reality and my part in it. In the moment, absolutely no guilt at all. Definitely a misplaced psychological response, but valid. Time reveals all truths.

 

It's processed now and over with. IMO, no sense in cluttering up the few remaining years of life with such issues. Learn from them and move on.

[lonelygirl83]

I cheated on my first husband. It was a bad marriage. We had a few ppl over to our house and we were all drinking and having fun but after it was all over I went to another mans house and had sex with him and that is all it was it didn't mean anything to me or him. After I went home I told my husband. He didn't even care... needless to say though we got divorced. I am now married to a great guy and I have always told myself I will never cheat again. But here I find myself texting another man and I feel bad for it but I can't stop. The man I am texting told me today that he loves me. He to is also married(not a good marriage though). So I have been the cheater and also the other women. But when I cheated on my first H I lost a lot of friends and respect from a lot of ppl.

[Speakingofwhich]

I cheated on my first husband. It was a bad marriage. We had a few ppl over to our house and we were all drinking and having fun but after it was all over I went to another mans house and had sex with him and that is all it was it didn't mean anything to me or him. After I went home I told my husband. He didn't even care... needless to say though we got divorced. I am now married to a great guy and I have always told myself I will never cheat again. But here I find myself texting another man and I feel bad for it but I can't stop. The man I am texting told me today that he loves me. He to is also married(not a good marriage though). So I have been the cheater and also the other women. But when I cheated on my first H I lost a lot of friends and respect from a lot of ppl.

 

Lonely, please for yourself and your husband (can't rem if you have children) stop texting this man and/or get counseling. You have a great husband and this is going to ruin things for both of you and bring such pain to your husband, and actually to yourself, too! Before it's too late......stop......think....!!!

[Speakingofwhich]

I didn't even know I was cheating. They were just EAs at work. And I never took these things out of the workplace or out of work related functions. So it was stress free and it did not seem like a big deal to me. I will say, that I don't fall in love very easily, but I enjoyed the concept of having fun at work.

 

 

Thanks for your answer! We do learn and grow through the years, if we want to, it seems!

[KathyM]

absolutely,

 

Although I would say empathy and guilt are two seperate feelings, empathy you feel for/understand others sorrow. Guilt, feeling bad for something you did wrong.

Guilt is the result of being able to empathize with someone you are hurting. Without the ability to empathize with the person you are hurting, you also have no guilt. They go hand in hand.

[ladydesigner]

I had guilt for being in an A as a fMOW and also guilt for xOM's SO. I still do as she has no idea who her boyfriend really is.

 

Now MOW in the case of my WH, she personally told me she did not regret their A and she treated me this way in every convo we had. I honestly never fought for my WH. She constantly made it known to me that my WH did not want me.

 

My WH feels remorse and regret for his A. We had both lost our connection at one point, but realized we still wanted to be together. He feels guilt every time I trigger or have PTSD. I know I will never trust him completely again, but it is more realistic to think this way.

 

My WH currently feels that his A will always be his biggest mistake (choice). I feel the same about my A.

Edited September 8, 2013 by ladydesigner

[Speakingofwhich]

Guilt is the result of being able to empathize with someone you are hurting. Without the ability to empathize with the person you are hurting, you also have no guilt. They go hand in hand.

 

Although, yes, while it seems there are situations where empathy and guilt go hand in hand, it seems to me a person can have guilt about something they are doing without being empathetic toward the person they are doing it to. I.e. a person can have an intellectual understanding that they are doing something wrong which therefore results in guilt feelings without experiencing empathy for the person they're acting against.

[So happy together]

Actually, lacking in empathy and being unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings of others is one of the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

 

Um. No. Just no. I'm not a sociopath. I have great love for many. But I don't feel guilt for helping a man that I love see his real potential for love. His wife gave him nothing. I am empathetic toward HIS pain. She ultimately caused her own pain with her inner issues. Or is that never addressed? This is why I say always that BS's play a part. They do. And they love being the victim, don't they? They did nothing... psht.

Edited September 8, 2013 by So happy together

[cocorico]

Um. No. Just no. I'm not a sociopath. I have great love for many. But I don't feel guilt for helping a man that I love see his real potential for love. His wife gave him nothing. I am empathetic toward HIS pain. She ultimately caused her own pain with her inner issues. Or is that never addressed? This is why I say always that BS's play a part. They do. And they love being the victim, don't they? They did nothing... psht.

 

The notion that an OW is some sociopath / narcissist / pop psych insult de jour simply because she recognises that the BS in her particular situation has brought her situation upon herself, is at best a complete stretch!

 

Most OW function very well in the world, have normal or even greater levels of empathy - just not towards that particular person in that particular situation.

 

And if someone deserves what's coming to them, why should the OW feel guilt for her part, unless she's transgressing against her own value system in some way.

[cocorico]

Guilt is the result of being able to empathize with someone you are hurting. Without the ability to empathize with the person you are hurting, you also have no guilt. They go hand in hand.

 

Actually, guilt is the result of betraying your own morals or values. There need not be a "victim".

[cocorico]

So as in being friendly and supportive of the BS?

 

How would that be constructive or positive? It would be a complete waste of oxygen.

[threelaurels]

Um. No. Just no. I'm not a sociopath. I have great love for many. But I don't feel guilt for helping a man that I love see his real potential for love. His wife gave him nothing. I am empathetic toward HIS pain. She ultimately caused her own pain with her inner issues. Or is that never addressed? This is why I say always that BS's play a part. They do. And they love being the victim, don't they? They did nothing... psht.

 

Maybe if I let him hit me harder or more often, he wouldn't have cheated on me. I guess I deserved waking up to bruises all the time. I probably should have sacrificed my own personal morals and boundaries so that his wants could be fulfilled. I should have done things I was uncomfortable with so that he could be happy. If I acquiesced to his demands, he probably wouldn't have had to drug and sexually assault me. Maybe if I let him sleep with whoever he wanted, he wouldn't have cheated. My inner issues made him hit me.

 

I drove him to cheat. I said no when I didn't want to do something, so he had to go find another way to do it. I drove him to do it. Had I just given into all his demands, he wouldn't have had to cheat on me! I guess the only way to assure a man doesn't cheat is to be completely and utterly submissive to him, or else I might have to own some of the fault in why I was cheated on.

 

I love being a victim, after all. I love having to sleep with a gun in my bedside table every night. I love having nightmares about being cheated on. I love having to constantly doubt every relationship I'm in and constantly wonder if and when I'll be cheated on again. I love seeing the look of pain on my boyfriend's face when he touches me and involuntarily flinch. I can't wait until my boyfriend cheats, so then I can be a victim again. Maybe I'll get even better at blaming all my problems on other people by then.

 

Oh, and, lack of guilt is only ONE criteria for being a sociopath. It's not the only one.

[bentleychic]

Sure, insecure people will not trust. Some do not trust anyone.

 

However, many of these women trust the MM. Figure that one out!

 

Yeah, I can't figure that one out. LOL

 

I was raised w/ my mother constantly suspicious of my dad and super jealous so that was instilled in me from a little girl. I hated it. Thankfully have grown and moved on a lot from that. (Though no, I don't trust everything MM says at this point in time and that's a battle that I fight w/ myself b/c I'm not sure I ever would/could even if we ended up together.)

[bentleychic]

Do you consider yourself to have cheated now that you are in a relationship with someone who is married?

 

I am not in a relationship with anyone other than MM nor am I dating anyone else so no, I do not consider myself to be cheating.

[bentleychic]

And if someone deserves what's coming to them, why should the OW feel guilt for her part, unless she's transgressing against her own value system in some way.

 

Wow. Did you really just say that? You think a BS deserves what's coming to them? I could understand if you said an OW deserves what's coming to her if the BS blows the top off of everything, causing her to lose her job and family, but I don't understand how in the world you can imply that a BS "deserves what's coming to them". Even when my exH was abusive, he didn't deserve for me to cheat on him. He deserved for me to leave him, for sure, but there's no justification for cheating rather than leaving.

 

(I know, I sound like such a conflicted OW. I still firmly believe that you should leave a relationship before starting another and I will never believe that someone deserves to be cheated on. I tell MM this constantly so I know I sound like (am) a hypocrite since I am enabling him by being a willing participant in this relationship.)

[wrinkledforhead]

I do feel guilt, though its not a tremendous amount. I laid in bed the other day and felt badly for what BS is going through. In my head I envisioned myself going to a shopkeeper after having stolen goods, but without the stolen goods. I found myself apologizing, saying, "I'm sorry I took it. But you have to understand how much I needed this, how perfectly it fits in my life, how amazing it is for me to have this (love, man)." The apology was pitiful because it is not just.

 

I do feel guilt on occasion. I don't allow myself to beat myself up for the choices I've made. But it does exist. I'm conscious of the effects of the A, even though BS doesn't know there's an A.