Boyfriend looks at porn--help!

[shonen]

I hope that someone can help me. I met my boyfriend three years ago while we were in graduate school together. He moved back East when he graduated and I followed the next year, after I graduated. However, a couple months prior to moving, I started to notice irritating behaviors like looking at other women. When I moved here, I started discovering that he was looking at porn magazines. I was very upset by this bcs. we had had discussions regarding porn and he said that he did not look at porn while he was dating people and that he does not waste his money on the stuff. I believed him bcs. when I was helping him move, I saw the he had two porn mags that were a few years old. Anyway, once I moved to his City, I found that we were arguing a lot....in fact, though I moved here about 1 1/2 years ago, we have only started to get along like the old times for the past few months. Because we have been getting along so well, please believe me when I say that I was utterly shocked and saddened to discover that he purchased more porn just the other day. I was so angry for a number of reasons but mainly bcs. the last time I discovered he had porn (about 4 or 5 months ago), we had an agreement that he would tell me if he bought it (I wanted to gage how bad this "problem" was). He tells me that it has nothing to do with me and that it is none of my business whether he looks at porn. I disagree. He purchases very explicit porn and I feel that he learns more about those women personally than he ever sees me. In addition, I feel that I am more interested in sex and more excited by prospects of sexual variety than he is. I guess that if I can boil it down to two issues, it is that #1 I feel that if continues to hide this from me and lies to my face about it, I can not trust him and #2 I feel that he is getting something from people he will never know when he should be trying that stuff with me. He tells me he loves me, does not want to be with anyone else.....but I don't know if I can trust him. He tells me that if he has the impulse to buy porn, he is going to do it......does anyone have any suggestions or advice to help me decide whether this relationship is over or not? Do all guys look at porn and hide it? Thank you!

[Quandary]

There is a similar post a little ways down.

 

I had the same problem and the relationship came to a hault after the "no big deal" porno mags turned into worse habits resulting in cheating.

 

I would suggest either do it with him and make it a part of your relationship and or if he is not willing to stop and it bugs you that much walk away.

 

Sorry... but it's a cruel world. I think guys go through phases, but if it's more than a phase and he is lying to you and sneaking about a mag... what else is he lying about?

[Tony T]

Well, it all starts out in junior high school. A kid comes to school and starts showing the guys a magazine he found at his house. Then he brings a few more later on. Then kids start going to the stores and slipping these magazines under their shirts and running out with them without paying, since they aren't sold to minors. They take them to school and show them around because it makes them popular.

 

When these kids reach 18, they go to adult book stores to buy the more wretched stuff...or they can turn to the Internet. Porn is like drugs or any other kind of addiction...as you go along, it takes more and more to satisfy the addiction.

 

Your guy really needs help. Go to the homepage of the site, look at the top of the page, click on links, then click on addiction and recover, then click on sexual addiction. There you will find organizations that can provide you with more information on this illness.

 

It's a real problem that many people have to deal with. But they won't deal with it until they admit to it.

 

Lying about it is one of the symptoms. If you have told him how much it hurts you and he continues to buy these magazines, do yourself a favor and move on. I don't think you would want to marry this guy, have kids, and have them take his magazines to school and perpetuate this kind of crap into eternity.

 

I also think that when a guy looks at these pictures he is cheating in his mind. Since everything happens in the mind, there is really no difference between cheating on you with girls in pictures or with girls in person.

 

To answer your questions, not all guys purchase porn on a regular basis but most guys enjoy looking at pictures of naked ladies now and then.

 

As far as your relationship, our love for someone is dependent on how they make us feel. If what he is doing makes you feel nasty, inadequate and empty, I don't think your love for him will last.

[shonen]

Tony, thank you for your advice. However, I noticed that you wrote that "most guys like to look at pictures of naked ladies sometimes." Well, my question is what does sometimes mean? How little is ok and how much doea it take to be a problem. I'm sorry to ask for this further clarification but I'm trying to distinguish between my dislike for a behavior and what may be a natural thing for men to do.....I guess the problem is that I don't understand the way guys work generally. I mean, my boyfriend has been great in other aspects besides this. What I know for sure is that if we took the porn issue out of the picture, I could see a future with him. And what is the point of me moving on if I will have this particular problem with everyone. thanks!

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "However, I noticed that you wrote that "most guys like to look at pictures of naked ladies sometimes." Well, my question is what does sometimes mean? How little is ok and how much doea it take to be a problem."

 

There are no rules. However, I would think it rational to believe that when the practice starts interfering with one's relationship, it has gone way to far.

 

The average man, if presented with such material by someone else, would certainly look it over and pass it on but would not get obsessed with it. I would even venture to say that priests, nuns, and perhaps even the Pope would find it amusing if such magazines were put in front of them...but, again, they wouldn't make such a deal out of it.

 

If I had to guess, I would say that most men, that is well over 50 percent, rarely buy these magazines or look at the pictures. I base this on subscription and sales data of the magazines. I will add, however, that pornography is the NUMBER ONE money maker on the Internet, with annual sales of subscriptions to porn sites in the BILLIONS. Again, there are about 8 billion people on the planet...it doesn't take a large percentage of men paying $29.95 per month year 'round to make a multi-billion dollar business.

 

I really don't think most men engage in the regular viewing of girly magazines or Internet porn sites. As far as the one's who do, I'm sure the frequency and volume varies considerably and I am unaware of research that would be helpful to you.

 

I will assure you that you will find many men who will not make it a practice of having porno magazines around the house, of leaving cum-stained tissues and rags laying around, etc. THIS IS NOT NORMAL.

 

So you have my absolute assurance that there are many more men available to you where you will not experience this problem.

 

I am truly sorry that such a major issue would cloud an otherwise wonderful relationship. I wish there was something you could do to get him to stop. But I just don't see you being able to hang in there and tolerate a continued behavior he knows you find repulsive.

 

Maybe if and/or when you leave him, that will be the catalyst for him getting help. It is a serious problem and can get worse for him.

 

I have done my very best to clarify things for you. If you are still seeking answers, I think an excellent psychologist or sex therapist in your area could give you more answers and it would be worth the cost of one visit to get them.

[Curly Sue]

My boyfriend looks at porn on the internet. He tells me that he would never waste money on the shi*, but yet he looks at it on the internet. He does it while I'm at class or work. The only thing that bothers me about it is I know, he knows, but he has no idea that I know. I know enough about his computer to find out. He used to lock me out of the computer room and I said something like what could you possibly be doing that I can't be in there. Door is not locked anymore. Men just don't want to be honest about it, it might embarrass him. See what his reation would be if you had some. They flip out, like you can't but they can. I did it to my Ex and he told me that the magazines had to go or I did. Then I pulled his out and said I guess we are even. As long as he is not cheating I wouldn't worry about it. Think of it like the movie American Pie, use it to your advantage.

I hope that someone can help me. I met my boyfriend three years ago while we were in graduate school together. He moved back East when he graduated and I followed the next year, after I graduated. However, a couple months prior to moving, I started to notice irritating behaviors like looking at other women. When I moved here, I started discovering that he was looking at porn magazines. I was very upset by this bcs. we had had discussions regarding porn and he said that he did not look at porn while he was dating people and that he does not waste his money on the stuff. I believed him bcs. when I was helping him move, I saw the he had two porn mags that were a few years old. Anyway, once I moved to his City, I found that we were arguing a lot....in fact, though I moved here about 1 1/2 years ago, we have only started to get along like the old times for the past few months. Because we have been getting along so well, please believe me when I say that I was utterly shocked and saddened to discover that he purchased more porn just the other day. I was so angry for a number of reasons but mainly bcs. the last time I discovered he had porn (about 4 or 5 months ago), we had an agreement that he would tell me if he bought it (I wanted to gage how bad this "problem" was). He tells me that it has nothing to do with me and that it is none of my business whether he looks at porn. I disagree. He purchases very explicit porn and I feel that he learns more about those women personally than he ever sees me. In addition, I feel that I am more interested in sex and more excited by prospects of sexual variety than he is. I guess that if I can boil it down to two issues, it is that #1 I feel that if continues to hide this from me and lies to my face about it, I can not trust him and #2 I feel that he is getting something from people he will never know when he should be trying that stuff with me. He tells me he loves me, does not want to be with anyone else.....but I don't know if I can trust him. He tells me that if he has the impulse to buy porn, he is going to do it......does anyone have any suggestions or advice to help me decide whether this relationship is over or not? Do all guys look at porn and hide it? Thank you!

[iggy]

DO I HAVE A STORY FOR YOU!!!!! I WAS SCROLLING THROUGH THE MESSAGES AND CAME UPON A MESSAGE FROM JAN.7TH.I DATED A GUY FOR ALMOST 5 YEARS AND DIDN'T FIND OUT ABOUT HIS DIRTY SECRET UNTIL I WAS 3 YEARS IN THE REALTIONSHIP.I LOOK BACK IN HINDSIGHT AND THE SIGNS WERE THERE ABOUT 1 YEAR IN THE REALATIONSHIP.HE HAD PLAYBOY,IN WHICH I WAS NOT OFFENDED BY AT ALL, I EVEN ENJOY READING PLAYBOY.BUT!!!!!!!1I CAME ACROSS A PHONE BILL FOR 800.00DOLLARS IN ONE MONTH,AND IT WAS PHONE SEX,HE WAS SO INTO THIS THAT HE STARTED WRITING LETTERS AND SENDING PICTURES TO THIS PHONE SEX OPARATER.I STILL STAYED,HE SAID HE WOULD STOP....I FOUND A BOX FULL OF HARD PORN,I STILL STAYED,HE SAID HE WOULD STOP.HE WAS A MEMBER TO SEVERAL PHONELINE DATING CONNECTIONS,I STILL STAYED BECAUSE HE LIED AND SAID HE WASN'T DOING IT ANYMORE BECAUSE I WANTED TO BELIEVE HIM,PRETTY SOON WE ENDED UP ONLY HAVING SEX ONCE EVERY 3 MONTHS BECAUSE I BELIEVE HE LIVED IN SUCH A FANTASY WORLD THAT I DIDN'T TURN HIM ON ANYMORE,HE BECAME ADDICTED.WHEN I FIRST MET HIM WE WATCHED A FEW PORN MOVIES,I ENJOYED IT BUT HE CROSSED THE LINE,I COULD NEVER TRUST HIM AGAIN.HE FELT IT WAS OK TO WATCH PORN WHILE I WAS GONE,BUT WOULDN'T HAVE SEX WITH ME.I TRIED EVERYTHING ,I WOULD DRESS UP IN BEAUTIFUL VICTORIA SECRET LINGERE,NOTHING MATTERED,I TOOK THIS SOOOOOOO PERSONAL,UNTIL I REALIZED IT WASN;T ABOUT ME.THIS GUY IS SICK,I HAVE BROKE UP WITH HIM AND WITHIN 3 MONTHS OF MEETING A GIRL,HE MOVES IN WITH HER,I WONDER IF HE DOES THIS CRAP BEHIND HER BACK???I HAVE ASKED HIM A HE SAYS "NO",HE BLAMED HIS DRINKING ON THE REASON WHY HE GOT INTO THIS STUFF,AND CLAIMS HE DOESN'T DRINK ANYMORE SO THEREFORE DOES NOT DO THE PORN ANYMORE.I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE HIM, HE BROKE MY HEART,I LOVED HIM VERY MUCH AND STILL DO,BUT IT WAS ALL SO WRONG FOR ME AT TIMES I FEEL HE HAS SCARRED ME FOR LIFE,WHERE I WILL NEVER TRUST A MAN AGAIN .I KNOW IT WAS THE BEST THING FOR ME TO END IT , BUT IT WAS THE HARDEST THING I HAVE YET DONE,TO LOVE SOMEONE SO DEEPLY BUT YET HAVE TO LET THEM GO.SO THERE IS MY STORY IN A NUTSHELL.

Well, it all starts out in junior high school. A kid comes to school and starts showing the guys a magazine he found at his house. Then he brings a few more later on. Then kids start going to the stores and slipping these magazines under their shirts and running out with them without paying, since they aren't sold to minors. They take them to school and show them around because it makes them popular. When these kids reach 18, they go to adult book stores to buy the more wretched stuff...or they can turn to the Internet. Porn is like drugs or any other kind of addiction...as you go along, it takes more and more to satisfy the addiction.

 

Your guy really needs help. Go to the homepage of the site, look at the top of the page, click on links, then click on addiction and recover, then click on sexual addiction. There you will find organizations that can provide you with more information on this illness. It's a real problem that many people have to deal with. But they won't deal with it until they admit to it. Lying about it is one of the symptoms. If you have told him how much it hurts you and he continues to buy these magazines, do yourself a favor and move on. I don't think you would want to marry this guy, have kids, and have them take his magazines to school and perpetuate this kind of crap into eternity. I also think that when a guy looks at these pictures he is cheating in his mind. Since everything happens in the mind, there is really no difference between cheating on you with girls in pictures or with girls in person. To answer your questions, not all guys purchase porn on a regular basis but most guys enjoy looking at pictures of naked ladies now and then. As far as your relationship, our love for someone is dependent on how they make us feel. If what he is doing makes you feel nasty, inadequate and empty, I don't think your love for him will last.

[iggy]

DO I HAVE A STORY FOR YOU!!!!! I WAS SCROLLING THROUGH THE MESSAGES AND CAME UPON A MESSAGE FROM JAN.7TH.I DATED A GUY FOR ALMOST 5 YEARS AND DIDN'T FIND OUT ABOUT HIS DIRTY SECRET UNTIL I WAS 3 YEARS IN THE REALTIONSHIP.I LOOK BACK IN HINDSIGHT AND THE SIGNS WERE THERE ABOUT 1 YEAR IN THE REALATIONSHIP.HE HAD PLAYBOY,IN WHICH I WAS NOT OFFENDED BY AT ALL, I EVEN ENJOY READING PLAYBOY.BUT!!!!!!!1I CAME ACROSS A PHONE BILL FOR 800.00DOLLARS IN ONE MONTH,AND IT WAS PHONE SEX,HE WAS SO INTO THIS THAT HE STARTED WRITING LETTERS AND SENDING PICTURES TO THIS PHONE SEX OPARATER.I STILL STAYED,HE SAID HE WOULD STOP....I FOUND A BOX FULL OF HARD PORN,I STILL STAYED,HE SAID HE WOULD STOP.HE WAS A MEMBER TO SEVERAL PHONELINE DATING CONNECTIONS,I STILL STAYED BECAUSE HE LIED AND SAID HE WASN'T DOING IT ANYMORE BECAUSE I WANTED TO BELIEVE HIM,PRETTY SOON WE ENDED UP ONLY HAVING SEX ONCE EVERY 3 MONTHS BECAUSE I BELIEVE HE LIVED IN SUCH A FANTASY WORLD THAT I DIDN'T TURN HIM ON ANYMORE,HE BECAME ADDICTED.WHEN I FIRST MET HIM WE WATCHED A FEW PORN MOVIES,I ENJOYED IT BUT HE CROSSED THE LINE,I COULD NEVER TRUST HIM AGAIN.HE FELT IT WAS OK TO WATCH PORN WHILE I WAS GONE,BUT WOULDN'T HAVE SEX WITH ME.I TRIED EVERYTHING ,I WOULD DRESS UP IN BEAUTIFUL VICTORIA SECRET LINGERE,NOTHING MATTERED,I TOOK THIS SOOOOOOO PERSONAL,UNTIL I REALIZED IT WASN;T ABOUT ME.THIS GUY IS SICK,I HAVE BROKE UP WITH HIM AND WITHIN 3 MONTHS OF MEETING A GIRL,HE MOVES IN WITH HER,I WONDER IF HE DOES THIS CRAP BEHIND HER BACK???I HAVE ASKED HIM A HE SAYS "NO",HE BLAMED HIS DRINKING ON THE REASON WHY HE GOT INTO THIS STUFF,AND CLAIMS HE DOESN'T DRINK ANYMORE SO THEREFORE DOES NOT DO THE PORN ANYMORE.I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE HIM, HE BROKE MY HEART,I LOVED HIM VERY MUCH AND STILL DO,BUT IT WAS ALL SO WRONG FOR ME AT TIMES I FEEL HE HAS SCARRED ME FOR LIFE,WHERE I WILL NEVER TRUST A MAN AGAIN .I KNOW IT WAS THE BEST THING FOR ME TO END IT , BUT IT WAS THE HARDEST THING I HAVE YET DONE,TO LOVE SOMEONE SO DEEPLY BUT YET HAVE TO LET THEM GO.SO THERE IS MY STORY IN A NUTSHELL.

[iggy]

Hi Tony, i read your "clarification" after i wrote my story. i find your comments soothing to the soul,you seem to have much insight.thank-you very much .i think the key is "how much is to much"? and if it is interfering with your realtionship,there is a problem. like i said in my story,i wonder if he is doing this to his g/f now? he never got help and is truly obsessed.now that our realtionship has ended i still ponder the reasons why? maybe if i looked this way or that way,maybe if i would have done this and that?but i still want to know,what makes a man do this? do they feel guilty?does it make them feel bad?does it mean they will always be this way?or did i bring this behavior out in him?

YOU WRITE: "However, I noticed that you wrote that "most guys like to look at pictures of naked ladies sometimes." Well, my question is what does sometimes mean? How little is ok and how much doea it take to be a problem."

 

There are no rules. However, I would think it rational to believe that when the practice starts interfering with one's relationship, it has gone way to far. The average man, if presented with such material by someone else, would certainly look it over and pass it on but would not get obsessed with it. I would even venture to say that priests, nuns, and perhaps even the Pope would find it amusing if such magazines were put in front of them...but, again, they wouldn't make such a deal out of it. If I had to guess, I would say that most men, that is well over 50 percent, rarely buy these magazines or look at the pictures. I base this on subscription and sales data of the magazines. I will add, however, that pornography is the NUMBER ONE money maker on the Internet, with annual sales of subscriptions to porn sites in the BILLIONS. Again, there are about 8 billion people on the planet...it doesn't take a large percentage of men paying $29.95 per month year 'round to make a multi-billion dollar business. I really don't think most men engage in the regular viewing of girly magazines or Internet porn sites. As far as the one's who do, I'm sure the frequency and volume varies considerably and I am unaware of research that would be helpful to you. I will assure you that you will find many men who will not make it a practice of having porno magazines around the house, of leaving cum-stained tissues and rags laying around, etc. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. So you have my absolute assurance that there are many more men available to you where you will not experience this problem. I am truly sorry that such a major issue would cloud an otherwise wonderful relationship. I wish there was something you could do to get him to stop. But I just don't see you being able to hang in there and tolerate a continued behavior he knows you find repulsive. Maybe if and/or when you leave him, that will be the catalyst for him getting help. It is a serious problem and can get worse for him.

 

I have done my very best to clarify things for you. If you are still seeking answers, I think an excellent psychologist or sex therapist in your area could give you more answers and it would be worth the cost of one visit to get them.

[iggy]

To anyone but esp. to Carly,i responded to your story,and just wanted to share with you that i have experinced the same thing but my experince was much more involved, i hope you can read it,it will be around the messages posted "my boyfriend likes porn" write back .