Author TwoTowns Posted September 11, 2013 Author Share Posted September 11, 2013 it seems that your husband and daughter have come to the conclusion that they were/are the consolation prize in this sordid affair..... that your true love lies with this OM. I mean, you have referred to him as "the love of my life." you go on to say- "I still love him." these are excerpts from your initial thread. pretty hard to discount those feelings. sounds like your heart lies elsewhere..... always has. I don't want to discount their feelings, I am destroyed for the hurt I have caused. Since 9/5 neither of them has spoken to me. I do not currently have any opportunity to have a sit down with either one. I can tell you that in my opinion neither will ever trust or believe me again. I never considered either a consolation prize. My marriage began to deteriorate not from a lack of love, but because I jumped in too soon with someone I didn't know. I did a disservice to both of us. I tried to compensate over the years but failed, because my husband actually loved ME less than I loved him. We were never able to communicate in an equal, healthy way. Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 I don't want to discount their feelings, I am destroyed for the hurt I have caused. Since 9/5 neither of them has spoken to me. I do not currently have any opportunity to have a sit down with either one. I can tell you that in my opinion neither will ever trust or believe me again. I never considered either a consolation prize. My marriage began to deteriorate not from a lack of love, but because I jumped in too soon with someone I didn't know. I did a disservice to both of us. I tried to compensate over the years but failed, because my husband actually loved ME less than I loved him. We were never able to communicate in an equal, healthy way. Trust can be earned again. It takes time and both people working together. Why are you staying married? It sounds very unhealthy for you before and now. I understand your daughter ignoring you as she is young. But I don't understand your husband doing it. Does he want to be married? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 Was the text your D found recent communication? Or was she searching through old, old texts? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TwoTowns Posted September 11, 2013 Author Share Posted September 11, 2013 Was the text your D found recent communication? Or was she searching through old, old texts? She found numerous texts from late last year. I have done so much damage to her. I was her hero. One in particular concerned the AP wanting to see me. Based on that and on entries in my private journal, she thinks I did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TwoTowns Posted September 11, 2013 Author Share Posted September 11, 2013 Last night I discovered that my husband has the AP's cellphone number. I went to retrieve something from his pickup and found it on a notepad inside. Not sure whether he got it from our daughter or from phone records. I will not be breaking NC to inform AP of this. In disclosing this to her dad, my daughter printed off texts and my journal entries and left them on his recliner for him to find. Today she came downstairs for copy paper. Of course my anxiety shot up again. Neither will have anything to do with me. Both seem intent on punishing me. I deserve consequences but how can this approach benefit anyone? I have a constant churning in my stomach. I start crying spontaneously. I am constantly afraid. Through it all, I continue doing school runs, cooking, household chores. Until the next shoe drops. Let me say THANK YOU to everyone who has posted in this thread. The kindness of strangers, many of whom are BS's, is helping me more than any of you will ever know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TwoTowns Posted September 11, 2013 Author Share Posted September 11, 2013 Trust can be earned again. It takes time and both people working together. Why are you staying married? It sounds very unhealthy for you before and now. I understand your daughter ignoring you as she is young. But I don't understand your husband doing it. Does he want to be married? He has long been dissatisfied with me, and honestly his biggest beef has to do with sex. Not the lack of it or infrequency of it, but that I am not as much of a rock star in bed as he would like. He also told me, about a month ago, that when he imagines himself in retirement he cannot see me at his side. The first thing he said upon learning of my infidelity was "you pick NOW to do this, right after we got a refi on the house." It was about an hour later that he took my ATM card. Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 I wanted to clarify that, even though my husband cut me off from the household money, it WASN'T because I had drained the account to perpetuate my affair (which consisted mostly of phone calls and texts). He is trying to keep me from having the means to leave. He will not speak to me or help me work through our issues as a married couple or mine as the one who strayed. Sadly, this has been the dynamic throughout our whole marriage. In any argument, there was never any healing because I was the only one who ever conceded blame or tried to effect changes that would help us as a couple. All I can do is get up, try to take care of my children, and the house and the yard - and wait to find out how my husband chooses to deal with me. If your husband is emotionally abusive why are you waiting to see what he does? He will continue to do the only thing he knows how to do........abuse. He can't work through marital issues until/unless he works through his own issue of being an abuser. Even if he wanted to he wouldn't be able to do it. No surprise he's controlling you via money. Abuse at its root is about control. Its the means people use to make themselves feel like they have control when mostly they feel powerless. It usually stems from a deep seated rage over some form of abuse/neglect suffered in childhood. For your H to understand his behavior and change it he would first need to recognize its unacceptable and then commit to individual therapy to understand why he does it and learn techniques to behave differently. Its very hard work and very few men are willing to do it. Most of the abusers in counseling are only there because they got physical and a court mandated they be there. And then there's you and why you have allowed him to abuse you for over 20 years. You could start doing that work by researching online, finding a support group for abuse, making an appointment with a counselor etc. Even if you don't stay married you need to do that imo. I don't really get a sense of whether the two of you love each other enough to put in all this work; but if you do you have to resolve the abuse issue before anything else can be resolved. Sitting around letting him abuse you is not going to solve anything and its not good behavior to be modeling for your children. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 For some reason I had read that as your affair was in the 90's - but it was ended last year. Ok. Why aren't you leaving our abusive H? Why haven't you filed for D? What would be the point of trying to get back together with an abusive man you don't love - and who doesn't love you? Start DOING SOMETHING! See an attorney. Leave the papers out on the kitchen counter. Look for apts leave your search info in plain sight. Your H should be getting the idea that YOU'RE NO LONGER TAKING HIS CRAPPY BEHAVIOR! Link to post Share on other sites
Author TwoTowns Posted September 12, 2013 Author Share Posted September 12, 2013 For some reason I had read that as your affair was in the 90's - but it was ended last year. Ok. Why aren't you leaving our abusive H? Why haven't you filed for D? What would be the point of trying to get back together with an abusive man you don't love - and who doesn't love you? Start DOING SOMETHING! See an attorney. Leave the papers out on the kitchen counter. Look for apts leave your search info in plain sight. Your H should be getting the idea that YOU'RE NO LONGER TAKING HIS CRAPPY BEHAVIOR! I was single, involved in a long distance PA with the MM from 1990-1992. Within weeks of it ending I started relationship with my now husband. We had been together 20 years with no infidelity on my part, until the now-divorced AP contacted me last fall. He and I had an EA for a few months, subsequently discovered by my daughter who informed her dad last week. My husband is doing some intel but is not speaking to me. I am to meet with an attorney tomorrow. Nervous about how he is going to react when he finds out. He will be very angry. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 Seems he will be angry no matter what, eh? Good reason not to live with him. Living with anger = you may as well not be living. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
peaksandvalleys Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 Have you considered counseling with your daughter? I don't know if this question has been asked before. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TwoTowns Posted September 12, 2013 Author Share Posted September 12, 2013 I am SO open to counseling with my daughter, and with my husband too. My husband would probably never go. If he did that would be reason enough for me to stay...because it would be so much outside of his comfort zone that it could only mean he was willing to help fix what went wrong. I made a small headway with my daughter today. She made a cake and offered me some. I almost cried. <3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 I wanted to clarify that, even though my husband cut me off from the household money, it WASN'T because I had drained the account to perpetuate my affair (which consisted mostly of phone calls and texts). He is trying to keep me from having the means to leave. He will not speak to me or help me work through our issues as a married couple or mine as the one who strayed. Sadly, this has been the dynamic throughout our whole marriage. In any argument, there was never any healing because I was the only one who ever conceded blame or tried to effect changes that would help us as a couple. All I can do is get up, try to take care of my children, and the house and the yard - and wait to find out how my husband chooses to deal with me. He's keeping you from a means of leaving? What are you, an incapable person? If you want to leave, you can leave with the clothes on your back and survive just fine. Also, I was in your daughters situation when I was 19. Your actions are completely selfish. That is fine, I don't judge you on that. You can make as many selfish decisions as you want, it's your life. Just as it's your daughter's life and she is completely entitled to her opinion on the matter. She MAY forgive you but I guarentee the relationship between you two will never be the same as it was before. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 See if you can go to a marriage counselor with your husband. Your daughter will take the cue from her parents. If he won't go, then you need to at least see an attorney. This state of standstill has to be put into some kind of motion, any motion, for it to change. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 Why are you begging a completely mean and abusive, controlling man to work on theM? You should be quickly exiting while you have this opening! Counseling with him? No way! You have the chance to begin a new and exciting life of pure FREEDOM!!! Take the chance while you have it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author TwoTowns Posted September 13, 2013 Author Share Posted September 13, 2013 It seems you and the OWs in the forum cannot understand why your H is upset. But, that is besides the point. In your very first post you stated that you married your H on the rebound after your married OM ended the relationship with you. You stated you married your H without knowing him. I sense your H is resentful because he dedicated 20 years of his life to the marriage and that is very painful. He will need a long time to heal and you want to expedite the healing. I honestly do understand. I didn't know him, I did enter into a relationship with him on the rebound. But I was always good to him. I grew to love him and i love him still. I would be willing to bet that I love him far more than he loves me. I do want to expedite his healing, but a little communication from him would help. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 I'd like to know why you want to stay when he's controlling, mean and has a temper? None of those are loving behavior. Especially his lack of affection. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 I was single, involved in a long distance PA with the MM from 1990-1992. Within weeks of it ending I started relationship with my now husband. We had been together 20 years with no infidelity on my part, until the now-divorced AP contacted me last fall. He and I had an EA for a few months, subsequently discovered by my daughter who informed her dad last week. My husband is doing some intel but is not speaking to me. I am to meet with an attorney tomorrow. Nervous about how he is going to react when he finds out. He will be very angry. I think most of us thought he had known for awhile now. A week is a very short amount of time to process what has happened. He maybe saying nothing as he does not yet know what he wants to do. Are you going to the lawyer because you want a divorce or because he isn't speaking to you? If you stay together the first few months will be emotionally hell for both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
peaksandvalleys Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 I am SO open to counseling with my daughter, and with my husband too. My husband would probably never go. If he did that would be reason enough for me to stay...because it would be so much outside of his comfort zone that it could only mean he was willing to help fix what went wrong. I made a small headway with my daughter today. She made a cake and offered me some. I almost cried. <3 I think you have to be prepared for the roller coaster. It will take a great deal of time and patience. Trust is so fragile that repairing it is not for the faint of heart. Go really slow with her. Link to post Share on other sites
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