I wonder if he thinks about me

[Daisy2013]

Yes, just having a bad day after a week of being strong. Saturdays are hard because I will see him on Sundays. He seems fine and happy when I see him, like life goes on. When he would tell me how miserable he was in life and his M, I'd tell him he didn't seem so unhappy and he'd say he pretends well. It's only been 1 month past break up and 8 days NC, so the pain still rears its head.

 

Guess I'm just lamenting. Wondering if he misses me or thinks of me at all, or was I only a 2 year game.

[Red Wolverine]

It's irrelevant whether he misses you. Regardless of whether he does or not, you have to deal with your feelings of loss.

 

Don't take responsibility for his feelings. Work through your own.

[legalgirl]

Stay strong. I know it hurts like hell. I am just a day out and it sucks but I have to do this for me. I question the same thing if I was just a game. But you will find happiness, I will too!!!!

[happy stillmore]

I am more than 3 months NC and I wonder the same thing! It is very hard. Even if he was sitting around the house, staring at the walls in deep depression missing you, what good does that do for you? He is still there! He isn't making the changes that are needed to be with you.

 

I know the root of all of this pain, is doubting whether he loved you in the first place. I'm sure he did but he is feels he must stay where he is. He is afraid of losing his family, respect of others, failing like a failure in ending a marriage, fear of the unknown. face it. His life is comfortable, family around him, in a house he knows, a routine that makes him feel safe. The simple fact, and this hurts me like a knife, is that he doesn't love you enough to risk all of this. I'm sorry it sounds harsh but it is the reality of our situation. I hate it. I don't know your situation but if you are married, don't look at xMM as your only hope of happiness. Don't feel trapped in your marriage if you are not happy. I have come to see that I was too afraid to cause upheaval in the life of others that I forgot who I was. Actually, to be honest, I never knew who I was as I married when I was emotionally immature. I have been married for 20 years and never thought divorce was an option. Strict Catholic theology ingrained in me. I'm a grown up finally at 43 and can make decisions in my life. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? (My therapist would be patting himself on his back right now reading that. Ha ha.)

 

Anyway, I wish my xMM (and all APs) would be honest with themselves and all parties involved. If AP is truly unhappy in their marriage, then end it. If they are not in love with AP, admit it to themselves. They are using that person as a pleasant distraction to their boring, hum-drum lives. Live honestly! That is the only way to live our lives. I am working on making a life of my own where I can live my life my way. No more living a lie in my M. No more pretending I was living a life with xMM. I was just a small part of his life. Not enough for me. No more lies. Period. What an uplifting way to live. This idea excites me so much and gives me hope for my future. Heck, I have even realized I do not need a man. I can be happy on my own. I am enlightened!

[Daisy2013]

Agree with Wolverene. But to answer your question, yes Im sure he is thinking of you. Can you avoid seeing him tomorrow (is it work?)

 

Thank you. No, it can't be helped. We attend the same church (yes, church, lets not go there) of about 100 and our paths cross. My church is my home of many years and has been life life for a very long time. To think of leaving crushes me. To ask him to please leave would seem like sour grapes. A friend had offered to confront him several times throughout our A as he is a deacon and involved in the children's ministry...to get rid of him, but I declined. Now, it would seem petty.

 

 

To everyone else as well, thank you. I am trying not to think of him, it's just a bad day. I do ok during the week staying busy with work. I think I have to find things to do. My kids are about grown and have a their lives so now I find myself with nothing to do. And I do miss what we had. He once said he'd always think of me. But deep down I doubt it. He told me he had affairs in his 1st 2 marriages and from the way he spoke of his current wife, I don't think he values women too much. I think it is easy for him to forget about me as he goes back to live his life. I know he didn't confess so he's not feeling any pain.

 

Thank you again for your words of help and encouragement.

[rae_lana]

Yes, just having a bad day after a week of being strong. Saturdays are hard because I will see him on Sundays. He seems fine and happy when I see him, like life goes on. When he would tell me how miserable he was in life and his M, I'd tell him he didn't seem so unhappy and he'd say he pretends well. It's only been 1 month past break up and 8 days NC, so the pain still rears its head.

 

Guess I'm just lamenting. Wondering if he misses me or thinks of me at all, or was I only a 2 year game.

 

I don't think there is anyway after two years he wouldn't be thinking about you.. Maybe not as much as you are of him, who knows. But guaranteed there are things that remind him of you or the situation just like with any person..

[happy stillmore]

Daisy,

Your words are the same thoughts I have constantly too. My relationship was 3 years long. I considered him my best friend. I miss him, I won't lie. But he wasn't healthy for me. I'm better during the week when I'm busy at work too. Try to do things that you would not likely have been able to do with him in your life. Sign up for a class to occupy your spare time. A fun class, cooking, painting, photography, etc. This way, you won't dwell on him and you will receive a beneficial result: an improved skill that you can use in your life. Heck! You may even meet someone who shares your interests. But only be open to a new relationship if you are free to do so. No more hidden relationships, they are too painful and cause too much guilt.

 

Also, treat yourself like how you want to be treated. Be honest with yourself, talk to yourself in loving words, respect yourself and don't expect anything but goodness from others. If not, walk away from them.

[tiernan]

I understand your doubts. I have the same. With the difference that he seemed to prove his love for me by leaving his wife. I thought it must be love. But what am I to say about this love now, when he is coming back to her after two years of being with me????

[Daisy2013]

Well, this morning I got my answer. He came over to me talking and grinning and flirting as he used to. Twice, he touched me on the shoulder as we headed into there we needed to be ... Of course his W wasn't next to him. Said he'd tried to call me twice. I said not to lie to me and he laughed saying it was true. Whether it was those 2 times I didn't answer or other times, I don't know. I didn't ask when. Sometimes during the A he'd claim he'd call and my phone would go right to VM. Strange, it only happens to him.

 

Whatever, I stayed strong and didn't flirt back. I feel better knowing he didn't affect me this morning and I'm actually not wondering anything. I'm not stupid to fall again.

[randomwoman]

I'm sure he thinks about you.

 

When he says he's good at pretending he is happy, it also probably means that he's great at compartmentalizing you into a tiny part of his brain.

 

Throughout my EA, I experienced him saying that he was good at just shutting things out of his brain if they had the potential to be depressing and he has already been able to do that and maintain a facade with the public that everything is great. Women generally do not do this well which is why you can usually tell we're having a sucky day.

 

He misses you but it's irrelevant now. Don't worry, I think the same thoughts but logically I know that it doesn't matter because if it's the end, it's the end.

[Red Wolverine]

Well, this morning I got my answer. He came over to me talking and grinning and flirting as he used to. Twice, he touched me on the shoulder as we headed into there we needed to be ... Of course his W wasn't next to him. Said he'd tried to call me twice. I said not to lie to me and he laughed saying it was true. Whether it was those 2 times I didn't answer or other times, I don't know. I didn't ask when. Sometimes during the A he'd claim he'd call and my phone would go right to VM. Strange, it only happens to him.

 

Whatever, I stayed strong and didn't flirt back. I feel better knowing he didn't affect me this morning and I'm actually not wondering anything. I'm not stupid to fall again.

 

You talked to him, let him touch you, and listened to him lying and laughing about it.

 

I'm sorry but that's not appropriate boundaries. His behavior shows he lacks respect and intends to continue dictating the relationship.

 

I'd recommend a swift knee in the balls next time. Might wipe that smug grin off his face. Regardless, he'd know you're done then.

[Daisy2013]

The pain you feel from NC with your AP is nothing compared to the emotions of you BH and children. You still have a chance at giving it a shot. Your future with your children (and grandchildren) could very well be impacted by your affair, especially if they decide to side with their father. A torn family isn't worth the risk of an affair.

 

Read these two threads. This couple experienced an affair, reconciled and improved their marriage. A bit long but worth the effort:

 

How Much Detail?

 

Wife's affair, how to move forward?

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my thread. The A is still over, we haven't seen one another privately in 2 months, only in public where there is no option. He calls once per week, I won't go into the details here as I've written them in other threads. I'm working on pulling myself together. As time passes, the need to see him is dying down and I have accepted things, although I miss him dearly.

 

I will take a look at some books you have recommended. Am considering therapy. Unfortunately, no friends to talk through this with. Of the ones who knew, one is mad at the entire situation, and the other, who happens to be a Christian family and marriage counselor of all things, has given up on me in this area of my life after she couldn't break me out of the fog these past 2 years. She had to cut me loose to let God deal with me. We remain friends, but do not speak do this issue.

 

Thanks again.