I want a divorce from my wife

[eddieg]

I am 31 years old, same age as wife. We've dated for 8 years and have been married for 3 years. We have a 9 month old son. I have several reasons why I do not want to be married anymore. Together we run a successful online company that's outsourced with an automated process, we spend roughly around 4-10 hours a week to the business. We're 50/50 and trust each other 100%. We also have plans for another investment that will support our child for a lifetime and bring in extra income for the both of us. We both come from traditional mexican families, where divorces are extremely rare. This will be a first on both sides of our families. I am confident that it will NOT BE a nasty divorce or custody battle, especially divorcing on good terms. If we do divorce, I will get a place nearby to see my boy as much as possible.

 

Both of our families love each other and attend each others events (bdays, weddings, brunches, bbqs, etc...), everyone loves my wife and her family and vice versa. I want my kids to see me at family events having fun, even if Mommy and Daddy are not together. But I have never seen this before, even being around several families. It's unusual.

 

My wife is an excellent mother, business partner, active in church and great to me and my family. However I am no longer in love with her both on emotional and physical level. I cry everyday to myself because I do not want to break my wife's heart but she deserves better and I do not want to prolong or make the mistake of staying with children. Also the marriage helped her get her immigration status and I do not want to jeopardize that either.

 

Any advice or suggestions please, thanks.

[Balzac]

Have you met with an attorney?

[eddieg]

Have you met with an attorney?

 

No I have reached out to divorce attorney, yet. I'm scared that divorcing her will affect her immigration status. Even though we hired immigration attorney 3 years ago and it was such an easy but costly process.

[Balzac]

Arrange a consult for yourself to get the facts. Immigration staus or not, you need to get a plan.

[eddieg]

She sounds like a great wife. Why the urge to leave?

 

Everyone always tells me how lucky I am to have her and I would never ever find a woman who would cook, clean, etc. But I'm not attracted to her anymore physically and sexually after living with each other for 3 years. I have no desire to make love to her to anymore. I refuse to cheat on her

 

 

 

My advice: Don't chase the "in love" feelings. You'll be chasing them forever and probably end up old and alone.

 

I suffer from Anxiety issues, I'm a major hypochondriac. I thought about the feeling of being sick and alone (cancer, heart attack, etc.). However these are obsessive thoughts, there's nothing physically wrong with me. She was always by my side when I had these fears that lasted days. But I do have family and friends who care about me.

 

 

 

...You will always be known as that jackass that left his family.

 

I certainly hope not.

[Mystery2Me]

First let me share, that I am sorry that you find yourself at this point.

 

I agree with BeenKilled that real love, goes thru phases and will not always be the "in-love" feelings.

 

Major RED FLAG, your anxiety and hyperchondriac issues, may be falsely coloring your feelings. In essence you describe such a perfect family-life picture, but picture purfect does not always equal happiness.

 

Do see a theraptist and dicussed the impact of these issues on your marriage.

 

Perhaps you should explore instead of a perfect wife, what would an attractive wife mean for you? Take-home do get so busy making a life, that you for get to life your life.

 

Shack things up a bit in the love making, becasue it's normal that ss your marriage progress life-stressors can impact your love life.

 

Who know's there may be sexy side of your wife that you are missing.

[Dolphono]

Very sad people don't honor marriage any more.

Why do people marry again? It seems like a moronic and expensive ritual today.

 

Get ready for some real unhappy times my friend.

Wait until that karma comes back at you.

Man up and embrace yourself for regretville, it's all down hill, all down hill...

 

- $.02

Edited September 7, 2013 by Dolphono

[NXS]

Everyone always tells me how lucky I am to have her and I would never ever find a woman who would cook, clean, etc. But I'm not attracted to her anymore physically and sexually after living with each other for 3 years. I have no desire to make love to her to anymore. I refuse to cheat on her

 

I suffer from Anxiety issues, I'm a major hypochondriac. I thought about the feeling of being sick and alone (cancer, heart attack, etc.). However these are obsessive thoughts, there's nothing physically wrong with me. She was always by my side when I had these fears that lasted days. But I do have family and friends who care about me.

 

I think you're making a big mistake Eddieg, if you think there's something better out there then I'm afraid you're mistaken. It's very hard to find someone who'll stand by you "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health". What do you think will happen if you're going through this with nobody by your side? Sorry but it sounds like you'll deteriorate further and feel alone without your family.

[Dolphono]

That's admirable. BUT do you have someone else in your sights? Just curious.

Come on?. You know he do. Nice little young thang. Got dude ready to bounce on the dream life.

[eddieg]

Major RED FLAG, your anxiety and hyperchondriac issues, may be falsely coloring your feelings.

 

This does play a major role in a negative way I think it's the reason why I stayed with her so long is because of my health anxiety that causesd low self-esteem.

 

I have been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist for my health anxiety issues. It's worked so well that my confidence is at in all time high and I fear nothing. I've been working out, improving my looks and my anxiety has decreased dramatically. So Monday's CBT session will be the first time I will bring up the issues of separating with wife. For 3 months the sessions were about dealing with my health anxiety issues.

[eddieg]

That's admirable. BUT do you have someone else in your sights? Just curious.

 

 

Yes I do. I guess you could say "she's the girl of my dreams".

 

I guess I forgot to mention that

 

For years I felt ashamed to be seen with wife in public. I would literally get upset when I would see an attractive woman with an unattractive guy. I had these feelings for years.

Edited September 7, 2013 by eddieg

[NXS]

Yes I do. I guess you could say "she's the girl of my dreams".

 

I guess I forgot to mention that

 

 

Is she an employee?

[Misfortune]

Yes I do. I guess you could say "she's the girl of my dreams".

 

I guess I forgot to mention that

 

For years I felt ashamed to be seen with wife in public. I would literally get upset when I would see an attractive woman with an unattractive guy. I had these feelings for years.

 

Can't end a relationship with a pinch of "monkey barring"; key ingredient. She must be the finest piece of green grass that you've ever had in your life.

[hayewils]

im afraid your going to find that you made a mistake one day if you decide to file for divorce.

from what you said, families all get a long great, attend each others things.

Sounds like they all get a long great. It also sounds that you've married a good woman. I think you should take your time, do some soul searching, maybe talk to a therapist.

there are to many people in this world who decide to give up over nothing.

I was married before with children, and its not a pretty thing when a divorce starts. Your being naïve thinking it can be easy. What do you think the families, your parents, her parents will say. Its going to cause a stir between them as well. so its not something your doing to your wife, think about the others involved. Marriages are not perfect, you have to be happy with yourself. do something for yourself. you said your wife is involved with church. what are you involved in? I think its a very good idea for a couple to have their own life, within the boundaries that doesn't affect the marriage of course.. but to have your own things for yourself.

it does sound to me that you guys are together quite a bit. having a business thing yall run together. my current ex and I met at work, we rode to work together, ate lunch together then came home together. It came to a point I couldn't stand it anymore. it made things where we didn't talk much or when we did, it was a bickering conversation. we were together way to much. I eventually left the company and went on to do other things. in the end it didn't matter, she left me 6 months ago, we have no kids together but what I found that I ended up with was nothing more than a disposable marriage. there was nothing that bonded us for us to stay together. you don't want to end up there, its not a fun thing and it will break your heart one day if this happens. you wind up with someone else, helping with their children when you have your own from a life you gave up on. don't find yourself in a place one day regretting. think about what your thinking about long and hard before anything, marriages are not easy. they do change over time, you guys have a lot of invested time and other things together. is this all something that you are willing to throw away?

Stop and realize that this isn't all about you, it does involve a lot of other people. good luck to you

[Mr. Lucky]

My wife is an excellent mother, business partner, active in church and great to me and my family.

Given all this and that she's both given you a son and stood by you through some tough times, don't you owe her the effort to try and repair your marriage ???

 

Even more so since the issues seem to be with you and not her...

 

Mr. Lucky

[eddieg]

Is she an employee?

 

She works at my full time 9-5 job.

 

My side company is based in India and Philippines.

[eddieg]

Given all this and that she's both given you a son and stood by you through some tough times, don't you owe her the effort to try and repair your marriage ???

 

Even more so since the issues seem to be with you and not her...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes my selfish ways caused me to ask for a break when we were dating. This was about 5 years ago. We took a 5 month break. I had just started a new job, was getting plenty of attention from other women and my confidence was extremely high.

 

Then something triggered my anxiety and I came begging back. I promise if I were to leave then I would NEVER try to get back with wife, she deserves better. Even if I am at an all time low with my lame health anxiety issues.

[eddieg]

BTW guys thanks for all the replies, I read every single reply.

 

It's so crazy, 3 weeks ago I was with therapist explaining that all I want in life is to live in the moment without the fear of hypochondria. I said the perfect life for me would to get rid of anxiety and make lots of money for family. For the past few months I setup several family trips to various places and had so much fun. However I always made sure to invite loads of other family members, since going on vacation with just my wife would not be pleasurable or fun. She always asked why we never go places alone for years now.

 

Now I want to start a new life with a girl who is almost 10 years younger than me.

 

Yes it could all go down the hole for me. Worst case scenario: my anxiety comes back, the potential new relationship ends and I am all alone.

 

Best case would me to start a new life, see my wife meet the man of her dreams, see my kid daily, grow a successful business with "ex-wife" and we're all happy.

 

I do believe her family will show no resentment towards me if we divorced.

[carhill]

OP, given both the content and tone of your postings, I'd suggest assembling the legal team this week. You'll need some estate planning in the mix, as well as a divorce attorney, and likely a forensic accountant. If available in your jurisdiction, request mediation. That, if indeed the proceedings amicable, should cut down on costs. If you're both represented and mediation works, based on my own experiences, figure 4-5% of net worth in legal/accounting costs, depending on how complex the business and estate planning areas. If contested, extremely variable.

 

Plagiarizing a quote from a LS'er about my prior M, you just don't want to be married to her anymore. In addition, you appear to have another partner lined up already. So, get it done and move on. Good luck.

[lovely81]

I would get a divorce, though the immigration thing sounds tricky. She does deserve better than this. I would rather be alone than with someone thinking about me in these terms.

[NXS]

She works at my full time 9-5 job.

 

My side company is based in India and Philippines.

 

If your wife knows her or suspects you're dating another woman then it probably will end up in a nasty divorce. I can't really blame her either, she's stood by you through your bad times and will feel you've betrayed her the minute you got better.

[carhill]

OP, since you're apparently new to LS, we generally have a pretty strict rule regarding what 'cheating' is, as well as 'affairs', which may not align with your perception of those dynamics, and this disparity may result in answers which don't agree with your thought processes.

 

You've stated that you'd never cheat on your wife. Later, you mention another lady, evidently 10 years younger, whom you appear to have substantial interest in.

 

If I got that right, here's the test: Have you performed *any* behavior with her, or had *any* conversation with her that, if your wife were standing right there and taking it in, she would have disapproved of as an abrogation of your marital vows? If yes, and this has been withheld from your wife overtly, that would be classified as 'cheating'. If the behaviors are open and conspicuous, an 'affair', but not cheating, as cheating is defined by deception. Only you know what is in your mind. We can never possibly know. Reflect upon that and see how it goes.

 

If you are concerned about you wife's immigration status, any immigration attorney in your jurisdiction, or such an attorney in the law firm of your divorce lawyer, can give you the list of relevant facts to provide, as well as proper legal advice, in very little time. At my lawyer's rates, I'd pay around 150-200 bucks for that kind of advice, based on similar issues I dealt with along the divorce pathway. These guys/gals are pros and the competent ones work fast.

 

Think it through, make a decision and move forward. Since there is a third party in the picture, fence-sitting will only serve to worsen your position moving forward, IMO, predicated upon receiving no adverse advice from your legal counsel. If they make a case for waiting, then take a look at that.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

BTW guys thanks for all the replies, I read every single reply.

 

It's so crazy, 3 weeks ago I was with therapist explaining that all I want in life is to live in the moment without the fear of hypochondria. I said the perfect life for me would to get rid of anxiety and make lots of money for family. For the past few months I setup several family trips to various places and had so much fun. However I always made sure to invite loads of other family members, since going on vacation with just my wife would not be pleasurable or fun. She always asked why we never go places alone for years now.

 

Now I want to start a new life with a girl who is almost 10 years younger than me.

 

Yes it could all go down the hole for me. Worst case scenario: my anxiety comes back, the potential new relationship ends and I am all alone.

 

Best case would me to start a new life, see my wife meet the man of her dreams, see my kid daily, grow a successful business with "ex-wife" and we're all happy.

 

I do believe her family will show no resentment towards me if we divorced.

 

Eddie,

 

I feel compelled to give you a reality check. First let me say, I don't believe all marriages are meant to last. And you appear to have started an affair and checked out of yours already. But you paint a fairly unrealistic rosey picture so lets get some real perspective into your ideal outcome.

 

When a marriage ends and there is an OW involved, your wife will likely be having incredibly hostile and hurt feelings for a very long time if not forever. I also assume that she will feel blindsided since you have not been working on resolving marital issues, she has stood by you in your illness, and you have a very young child.

 

You will likely have to split 50/50 the business (and personal) assets or one of you will have to buy the other out because your business cannot be run by to warring divorcing people, especially when the OW works there.

 

I don't know anything about immigration, but while your child is a citizen, your wife is not, so she may have to go back to her native country, taking your child back to live with her, at least 50% of the time, after the child is a couple years old.

 

You and your STBXW will likely have poor relationship for some time so I would not assume she will welcome your OW as a new step mother with open arms, nor will many of your family or hers, friends, and coworkers. It's possible, just not likely. Do not assume that anyone will not know that the relationship started as an affair. People will know and that will make people very angry.

 

Your new relationship has about a 1-3% chance of lasting, if you follow the general stastical pattern, so whether or not your hypochondria returns, you will likely be alone. But if your anxiety stays under control, you said you have good self esteem so you will likely find someone else, eventually.

 

I know you want your stbxw to find someone to love her in a way you cannot, but that really appears to be more to ease your guilt since you have never been attracted to her and feel you could do so much better (or am I reading that wrong?). So don't count on that solving the issue because while it does happen, it's just not common.

 

Eventually, when she starts to heal from your betrayal, she will likely find someone who will be good to her and will be a good parent to your child. At that point, they may be living in another country, your child will fly back and forth for visitation and holidays, and things will start to even out. It may take years and years before that happens.

 

If you want to avoid that you would have had to invest in working through your marital issues, without the third party soft place to land...but I think you have already missed that opportunity by starting an affair.

 

And before you say you aren't in an affair...read the definition above and add this...how do you know OW even likes you? The fact that you can answer that question means you are IN an affair.

 

But I could be wrong.

Edited September 8, 2013 by It-is-what-it-is.

[jeddarnold]

why are you ashamed to see with your wife in public ?

 

Yes I do. I guess you could say "she's the girl of my dreams".

 

I guess I forgot to mention that

 

For years I felt ashamed to be seen with wife in public. I would literally get upset when I would see an attractive woman with an unattractive guy. I had these feelings for years.

[2sunny]

So you have it all - yet you're not happy... Ask yourself why you can't find happiness with what you currently have...?

 

The problem is within you - so no matter which woman you run to - you are still with your broken, I'll never be satisfied self.

 

Your wife deserves better - and she's been so good to you in your really bad times.

 

Yes, divorce her. Don't expect the new, younger gal to treat you right after all you aren't a happy man offering your happy self to anyone.

 

And her family? No - I wouldn't expect them to continue being kind and loving after you screw over your wife when she's been so good to you. They are likely to be flaming mad.

 

Gt counseling to help you find out why you intend to leave a woman who's been so good to you. Find out why you see beauty as a superficial presentation. Find out why you can't find beauty within yourself and others.

 

You are about to change your whole life for a young hottie who will likely bring you drama and pain in every area of your life.

 

I hope you find she's worth it. You have no idea how a woman will react after you blow up her life and dreams by divorcing her.

Edited September 8, 2013 by 2sunny