I want a divorce from my wife

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I never spoke to therapist about this issue, yet. For months we were focused on my health anxiety/hypochondriac issues. Now that my treatment is going strong I no longer worry about those issues. So tomorrow will be the first time the separation issue will be brought up.

 

Most likely. I cant imagine her accepting it.

 

I'm actually close to my boss/ceo, I have been his right hand man for over 5 years. He runs a huge successful PI law firm. I think if he found out, he would most likely have that 'father and son' type of talk and I would never lose my job.

 

But will your girlfriend lose her job?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

You certainly have some pretty crappy coping skills (hypochondria, anxiety, cheating) that's clear.

 

I think you are headed for a mistake, but it is yours to make.

 

They do say people tend to repeat the mistakes of their parents...so I guess it is no surprise you are looking to split up the family.

 

Assuming your STBXW can still live in the US then you will likely get 50% child custody, unless you don't want it. So you can still play a role in your child's life. More than what you got.

 

But it won't be daily. That's what divorce means.

[eddieg]

But will your girlfriend lose her job?

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I dont see why there is no conflict of interest, I am not her superior and there is no sexual harassment involved.

[2sunny]

I haven't seen therapist for over 3 weeks, so this new 'interest' of mines is fairly new, only about 2 weeks.

 

I will bring up these interesting tidbits:

 

1. My mother cheated on my father while he was away on business trip and I walked in on it when I was only 5. They were never married.

 

2. My mother eventually left my father and I the same year. Never visited, called or wrote. She was still living in same city. She eventually came around when I was around 14 and tried to make up for it by spoiling me rotten.

 

3. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at 42 and died a year later. Before she passed she told me she had 3 other kids who live in Texas. She had all 3 kids before she was 22. Not sure why my father never told me this. She kept this a secret from my father during their relationship and he found out from cousin in law.

 

I'm not going to blame on poor lil mommy issue...blah blah blah.

 

But I feel like my current marriage as a caretaker/mother who I never had. Someone who would take care of me and watch over me.

 

 

Nope - Mommy is only responsible for what Mommy did.

 

Same way you are responsible for you do - will do.

 

No one will be to blame but you. When you explain that your wife is a great wife but she just isn't attractive enough for you - you are to blame for that - and the will recognize you for the jerk tht you

portray yourself to be.

 

Do your wife a favor and divorce her - she deserves a man who will love her without all your judgment and ego.

[2sunny]

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I dont see why there is no conflict of interest, I am not her superior and there is no sexual harassment involved.

 

Your perspective is very skewed and off balance. It is only thinking of you.

[CarrieT]

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I dont see why there is no conflict of interest, I am not her superior and there is no sexual harassment involved.

 

As soon as this chick discovers you are married, she could easily sue you and her employer for harassment. It would be a case of he said/she said.

 

Also, you stayed this chick is about ten years younger? That would make her about 21?

 

As others have said, you are delusional on several levels... Open up to your therapist and be completely honest - stop with the trickle truth that you have depicted here.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

\

 

I dont see why there is no conflict of interest, I am not her superior and there is no sexual harassment involved.

 

Lots of companies have low tolerance for affairs, if not zero. Some companies don't care as long as the two don't work together (not on same team or clients)

 

My company transfers people who are have relationships.

 

They do this because....people having affairs or dating in the office creates a "hostile work environment" which impacts anyone who could be annoyed (there is a recent thread about a coworker outing the affair to the wife & husband of two coworkers)

 

You might be safe, based on your relationship with the owner, but I assume, unless your GF is the daughter of the owner, she is probably without much work experience and would be let go if one of the two of you needs to be to avoid a scandal or creating discord amongst the rest of the staff.

 

One of the things about being in that limmerance period is that you don't think very clearly.

 

I mean, you are thinking of leaving your wife for someone you claim you have only flirted with? Does that seem logical?

[Grumpybutfun]

I haven't seen therapist for over 3 weeks, so this new 'interest' of mines is fairly new, only about 2 weeks.

 

I will bring up these interesting tidbits:

 

1. My mother cheated on my father while he was away on business trip and I walked in on it when I was only 5. They were never married.

 

2. My mother eventually left my father and I the same year. Never visited, called or wrote. She was still living in same city. She eventually came around when I was around 14 and tried to make up for it by spoiling me rotten.

 

3. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at 42 and died a year later. Before she passed she told me she had 3 other kids who live in Texas. She had all 3 kids before she was 22. Not sure why my father never told me this. She kept this a secret from my father during their relationship and he found out from cousin in law.

 

I'm not going to blame on poor lil mommy issue...blah blah blah.

 

But I feel like my current marriage as a caretaker/mother who I never had. Someone who would take care of me and watch over me.

 

The way you feel about your mother is the way your child will mostly likely feel about you...fyi. If you are okay with that, then have fun with the greener pastures. Also, are you certain your younger, shinier girlfriend is going to stick around after she finds out you are married and a liar?

Grumps

[JJLA]

Eddie, the marriage has endured long enough that there should not be an immigration issue. It also depends on Jurisdiction. I'm a divorce lawyer in Los Angeles and I know that the [civil] court system here in CA purposefully separates itself because we want non-citizens to have the same recourse to the law as citizens. That said, if you are a citizen, the marriage was probably long enough (I believe it's two years) that she can still apply. I don't believe this will impact her status. I would reach out to an attorney in your area.

[eddieg]

I spoke to therapist yesterday. She advice me not to make any decision yet.

 

Thank you all for the advice, especially legal advice.

[2sunny]

But that's not possible because you said your not invested or interested in the M.

 

What was the reason the counselor wants you to wait when you obviously already checked out?

[eddieg]

But that's not possible because you said your not invested or interested in the M.

 

What was the reason the counselor wants you to wait when you obviously already checked out?

 

Like most people here already, I'm in honey moon phase and infatuated with the new girl. I told the counselor I feel like a sociopath, she told me not to hate myself and do not make the decision to divorce, just yet.

 

I rambled on most of the time however she pretty much repeated what was said on this board without the negative name calling like jerkwad, delusional, egotistical, etc...lol

Edited September 11, 2013 by eddieg

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Well...you aren't paying us so you get the advice for free with the added bonus of knowing what other people in real life will think but may not say.

 

So did the counselor tell you to keep on with our affair and just put off making the decision to divorce?

 

I have said before that you aren't thinking clearly. But I really don't think leading your wife to believe you love her and are committed to the marriage when you are just marking time seems fair.

[watergirl12]

Guess what, marriage is hard work. No one prepares you for that. But would you bail on your company when things gets bored like you are bailing on your wife? Somehow I doubt it.

 

There are ups and downs. There is nothing natural about marriage. Which is why it is such hard work. But it sounds like you are ready to bail at the first sign of trouble. You wouldn't be as successful as you are if you treated business the same way.

 

People hit lows in their marriage. The couples who claim to be in love for 50 years are either freaks of nature or lying. But what they did do is stay.

 

I was taught a valuable lesson from someone married to a difficult person for 30 years. There are times where you don't like your spouse very much, or feel like you don't love them anymore. What you do is fake it till you make it. If you pretend to be in love with them again, the feelings will actually follow.

 

Just like if you fake laugh for a few minutes with someone, real laughter starts. Same thing.

 

Just like to keep business fresh, you look at it from a different or new perspective, do the same for your wife. Go home and pretend you are seeing her for the first time again. Remember all the things that made you fall in love with her the first time. Than WOO her. Not only will she respond positively to you, it will start to bring up those old feelings again.

 

People always think that love is when you first meet someone and have those obsessive feelings. And they think that the relationship is over when those go away. Those feelings are artificially generated to make you breed. Sorry, but it Is nature. when the new love goes away, you get a deeper, more secure love. The one that lets you go a day without seeing them and you are ok with it. But it doesn't mean you are not in love anymore.

 

Go and start over, start anew. Get new hobbies, go on a romantic date, and woo your wife again. Stop letting it stay stale. And you will find that you love her as much as you ever did.

[watergirl12]

So you have it all - yet you're not happy... Ask yourself why you can't find happiness with what you currently have...?

 

The problem is within you - so no matter which woman you run to - you are still with your broken, I'll never be satisfied self.

 

Your wife deserves better - and she's been so good to you in your really bad times.

 

Yes, divorce her. Don't expect the new, younger gal to treat you right after all you aren't a happy man offering your happy self to anyone.

 

And her family? No - I wouldn't expect them to continue being kind and loving after you screw over your wife when she's been so good to you. They are likely to be flaming mad.

 

Gt counseling to help you find out why you intend to leave a woman who's been so good to you. Find out why you see beauty as a superficial presentation. Find out why you can't find beauty within yourself and others.

 

You are about to change your whole life for a young hottie who will likely bring you drama and pain in every area of your life.

 

I hope you find she's worth it. You have no idea how a woman will react after you blow up her life and dreams by divorcing her.

.

 

 

well said.

[2sunny]

Like most people here already, I'm in honey moon phase and infatuated with the new girl. I told the counselor I feel like a sociopath, she told me not to hate myself and do not make the decision to divorce, just yet.

 

I rambled on most of the time however she pretty much repeated what was said on this board without the negative name calling like jerkwad, delusional, egotistical, etc...lol

 

I don't see you hating yourself - in fact, I see the opposite - you seem to think you're above your wife... I don't see how the counselor can change that about you/your perspective.

 

In fact, look up narcissist... It may fit...?

 

Either way, your W deserves better. And the OW deserves a man who doesn't lie to her and misrepresent himself.

 

You could benefit from a few solid years alone - to ind out how to grow understanding and compassion for others - without your motives getting in your way. You know, become a real person with integrity.

[Mr. Lucky]

Either way, your W deserves better. And the OW deserves a man who doesn't lie to her and misrepresent himself.

Eddieg, I wonder if you've stopped and thought about this fact - you're in the process of screwing over the two women in you life that you profess to care about. That's a strange version of love...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

What have you been doing with the new gal? Any outings?

 

What have you been talking to the new gal about?

 

Are you alone with her? Has there been physical contact yet?

 

Why haven't you at least been honest with her about being married?

[eddieg]

What have you been doing with the new gal? Any outings?

 

What have you been talking to the new gal about?

 

Are you alone with her? Has there been physical contact yet?

 

Why haven't you at least been honest with her about being married?

 

We been having lunch everyday and there was kiss exchanged yesterday. Also we flirt, mainly about long term relationship and growing old together. She's not the type to have one night stand, she has never had a bf. I found out she is 18, i assumed she was 20 or 21.

[eddieg]

Eddieg, I wonder if you've stopped and thought about this fact - you're in the process of screwing over the two women in you life that you profess to care about. That's a strange version of love...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes one that I am no longer in love with and the other I'm starting to have feelings for. It's not all peaches and creme with my wife, she's no angel. She was caught have an 'emotional affair' with someone who worked at a different branch of her company. He sent her love songs in spanish, they once referred to each other as 'sweetie'. This is before we were living together but still married.

 

Once I found out I wanted to leaver her but was afraid of being alone. She claimed nothing ever happened, physically.

[RightThere]

We been having lunch everyday and there was kiss exchanged yesterday. Also we flirt, mainly about long term relationship and growing old together. She's not the type to have one night stand, she has never had a bf. I found out she is 18, i assumed she was 20 or 21.

 

So you're 12-13 years older than her and she's just out of high school?

 

No she hasn't had a BF. She hasn't had time to yet.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

As soon as this chick discovers you are married, she could easily sue you and her employer for harassment. It would be a case of he said/she said.

 

Also, you stayed this chick is about ten years younger? That would make her about 21?

 

As others have said, you are delusional on several levels... Open up to your therapist and be completely honest - stop with the trickle truth that you have depicted here.

 

I sincerely hope that this isn't true (if so, it clearly show the bias against men in our society since she is currently reciprocating his advances).

 

Anyway, OP, you sound a little crazy, based on the history you posted here. It sounds like you got married pretty young and don't have a lot of experience dating as an adult or a knowledge of the court systems. But here are some key points:

 

1) It is extremely difficult to find a halfway decent woman in the US. You have one right now. Don't throw that away (if you do, you will soon discover what I just wrote).

 

2) She will take you to the cleaners in divorce court because the courts are against men, especially if YOU are in the wrong (which you are).

 

3) You may never see your children again. You will still pay child support though.

 

Want to put your anxiety and hypochondriasis to good use? Focus on that sh*t.

 

Personally, I'm about an 8 in looks. My girlfriend is a 7. If our current conditions were more allowing, I'd marry her and never let her ago.....because she's a good woman and those are damn hard to find!

[CarrieT]

I found out she is 18, i assumed she was 20 or 21.

 

Please read THIS.

 

In short, she has half-baked brain syndrome and won't truly have a clue what she wants or who she is for another six or eight years.

 

And you think she is capable of having a long-term ("grow old") relationship with you!?!?!?

 

Remember when you were 18 and all the changes YOU went through in the past decade+.

 

Stop flirting with her. Don't kiss her. Do her a favor and let her grow up.

[nutell]

Assuming the OP is not trolling, which he could be, I think y'all are a little too hard on the man...and a little mean.

 

In my limited experience, a lot of marriages that last a long time are unhappy and have some seriously screwed up skeletons in the closet. Many of them involve cheating.

 

This guy has his problems, but I will give him one thing. At least he has not cheated, not yet.

 

If he is not happy, is there any magic "pill" that will somehow change him inside? My gut feeling is that there isn't, and prolonging this marriage might make things worse. He might eventually cheat...after all, it's certainly easier that getting a divorce.

 

Regardless; I think folks on the internet should not verbally beat down on a man with emotional problems. You can disagree with him, but please take it easier.

[Mr. Lucky]

Assuming the OP is not trolling, which he could be, I think y'all are a little too hard on the man...and a little mean.

I don't know that lollypops and rainbows are in order for someone about to throw away his family and marriage to a great partner for a fling with an 18-yr old that doesn't even know he's married. If disaster is to be avoided, tough love is needed...

 

Mr. Lucky