rae_lana Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 (edited) I feel like he's playing head games. Tells me he wishes we had met before.. If we had we would have babies and be amazing together.. Then agrees with me it's only sex not love.. Then drops contact for weeks at a time only to come back full force saying making me smile is all he cares about.. Then tells me about other girls he wants to screw.. Then drops contact for a couple weeks, then says its all because he "feels too much"... It's a pattern it keeps going around and around. Tell me what are the common games players play.. Cause right now I feel like I'm being played hard.. And this man is my friend! Has been for years! We still have that relationship.. In public but what the hell is going on secretly I have no idea anymore. I have no back bone and I haven't even asked him why he does this in months. I just stopped initiating contact instead and he contacts me once a week or so "privately" to make sure I'm still on the leash I guess I don't know. We still are very friendly and happy to see each other every where else.. But he's sohot and cold privately I'm so confused. When I say drops contact I don't mean completely but I mean the affair side of it... The tone of context changes completely. We have never went more than 4 days without seeing each other in daily life or more than a week without private contact. Could it be he's feeling guilty? Or that he thinks I'm too far in to him? We both agreed we feel the same but it's been really weird for a couple of months. I want him to just tell me it's over but I know he won't. Edited September 7, 2013 by rae_lana Link to post Share on other sites
JustSomeoneHurt Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 He's not feeling guilty. He's some sort of bipolar. It IS toxic, you don't need to convince yourself. What kind of person acts the way he does? Either you're in or out, and the things he's saying are not appropriate for "casual." His lack of contact shows he acts on his "screwing other girls" which tells me that his romantic speeches are not true. He's either bipolar or just insanely manipulative. There are no good options here. Find someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
NXS Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 Yes you are being played, all the push/pull are his way of keeping you on a leash but not committing to anything. As is the "could've been..", that's just another way to justify lack of commitment i.e. if only... He's not going to tell you it's over because he's still getting sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted September 7, 2013 Author Share Posted September 7, 2013 (edited) He's not feeling guilty. He's some sort of bipolar. It IS toxic, you don't need to convince yourself. What kind of person acts the way he does? Either you're in or out, and the things he's saying are not appropriate for "casual." His lack of contact shows he acts on his "screwing other girls" which tells me that his romantic speeches are not true. He's either bipolar or just insanely manipulative. There are no good options here. Find someone else. I'm bipolar. He knows that. I'm married too. The four of us are best friends. It's a horrible situation. It's in control everywhere but in my head maybe. It feels though like he is being very deliberate in what he's doing. Edited September 7, 2013 by rae_lana Typo Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted September 7, 2013 Author Share Posted September 7, 2013 Yes you are being played, all the push/pull are his way of keeping you on a leash but not committing to anything. As is the "could've been..", that's just another way to justify lack of commitment i.e. if only... He's not going to tell you it's over because he's still getting sex. The emotional connection we had at the start has been the biggest roller coaster. He says its because its to intense and he wants to slow it down and I totally agree every time it gets that way but he's the one getting it there..the back and forth kills me. This last time I had myself convinced he wanted it to be over so I acted like it was.. But then he came back full force for two days only to block me out for another week. I have no idea why you would do that to a friend. He knows I love him. But I don't want a commitment I just want him to pick a direction.. Even if that's ending it. Link to post Share on other sites
psm04 Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 He knows I love him. But I don't want a commitment I just want him to pick a direction.. Even if that's ending it. Why do you want him to pick a direction? He won't, from what you are telling us. He doesn't seem as tortured by it as you are. You have the choice here too. If I waited for my xOMM to make a decision, I'd still be waiting around for his emails, hopelessly in love with him, ruining my life and marriage. In the very beginning, he ended it a couple of times because of his kids, but he never could stay strong. If it weren't for me making the choice to end it ( not because I have to but I want to), I'd still be in it, feeling disrespected and cheap. Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 Rae- i read your backstory... You're giving this guy too much power over your life. you should be the one making the choice to sever romantic ties with him. He is not your friend. Btw we can't know for sure but IME when you pull away he pulls you back to keep you on the leash, an insanely cruel thing to do since he's out screwing around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KentuckyGent Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 Rae, this is all too familiar. Yes you're being played, BIG TIME!!! All typical crap they spew (I'm an OM and my ex-MW is a master at this manipulation). I know it isn't easy to just end it. I'm still somewhat on a leash as exMW "checks in" every couple of weeks. I've heard all these things before---"If we'd met sooner", blah blah blah! It's all bull****. Every.Single.Bit.Of.It. Link to post Share on other sites
yellowmaverick Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 If you want to convince yourself that the situation is toxic, just re-read your original post. It convinced ME that it was toxic!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 8, 2013 Share Posted September 8, 2013 I feel like he's playing head games. This should be enough. If you feel he is, then he is. Listen to your gut instinct! READ ALL YOUR THREADS over and over again. Then you'll see just how toxic and unhealthy this situation is for you. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 8, 2013 Share Posted September 8, 2013 What do you expect from a relationship with your friends husband? Where do you think it's going to go? Short of causing two divorces how much more do you expect? Have you considered switching spouses, Clint Eastwood just did that after he found out about his wife's affair. Maybe it will work for you. Link to post Share on other sites
zum1 Posted September 8, 2013 Share Posted September 8, 2013 You know you are being played, you just need to hear it again. Try to gradually clear your mind and stay out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted September 8, 2013 Author Share Posted September 8, 2013 The four of us are best friends. It's a horrible situation. You are not best friends, best friends do not do this to each other- and yes, its a horrible situation, one that will end badly for most if not all involved-you really do not need this board, you need professional help to understand how/why you can do this and still face your spouse and "friend". Yes, its toxic and you need to stop worrying about what he thinks/is doing and start figuring what you are doing and why- I booked an appointment to talk to my doctor twice and canceled. I have another appointment next week if I can make it there. We are best friends. We are the best friends each other has. So yes we are whether you guys understand or not.. What I'm song is wrong and I do want to stop I just don't know how. No contact isn't an option unless we confess and we are not going to confess. I make my mind up to pretend this never happened and I get sucked back in every time. I don't know what I'm thinking other than I just want him to care about me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted September 8, 2013 Author Share Posted September 8, 2013 Yes, please go to counseling for your own good. The fact you can say she is your best friend is concerning. It's concerning that you are able to convince yourself you are a friend to this woman. When she finds out, her life will never be the same. To be betrayed by your spouse is difficult enough, I can not imagine adding on a friends betrayal as well. I know this sounds rough, but you have sentenced your friend to a long, long period of hurt and devastation beyond anything ypu can imagine all because you are too selfish and immature to do right by yourself and those you care about. Please get healthy before you do anymore damage to yourself and those around you. I just don't get how people assume everyone gets caught. There are so many affairs that go undiscovered.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted September 8, 2013 Author Share Posted September 8, 2013 I am terrified about the hurt she would go through. I think that's why I block the thought so much. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 9, 2013 Share Posted September 9, 2013 Your being given advice by people like me who have all caught their lying cheating spouse's. They didn't fair well in the end because they got caught. The one's that usually fair better are those that confess before their caught. I know you think your special and that your husband is too stupid to catch you, what you don't know is he may already suspect and only acts stupid to catch you. But you already know what's best for you, bringing another man into an already strained marriage was the right choice, banging your best friends husband only makes sense, everything he tells you is the truth and it has nothing to do with the free sex he's getting from you. You should take it to the next step, have his child and let your husband think it's his, mine did and she thought she would get away with it. I just wish I could tell you what I really believe your future is but you just need to find that out for yourself I guess. You will remember this post when your world is crashing around you wishing you had taken a different path. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted September 9, 2013 Author Share Posted September 9, 2013 (edited) Your being given advice by people like me who have all caught their lying cheating spouse's. They didn't fair well in the end because they got caught. The one's that usually fair better are those that confess before their caught. I know you think your special and that your husband is too stupid to catch you, what you don't know is he may already suspect and only acts stupid to catch you. But you already know what's best for you, bringing another man into an already strained marriage was the right choice, banging your best friends husband only makes sense, everything he tells you is the truth and it has nothing to do with the free sex he's getting from you. You should take it to the next step, have his child and let your husband think it's his, mine did and she thought she would get away with it. I just wish I could tell you what I really believe your future is but you just need to find that out for yourself I guess. You will remember this post when your world is crashing around you wishing you had taken a different path. Obviously this makes you emotional and I'm sorry. It's not something I really understood before I let it happen. I don't want to continue the physical side of it. It's hard. I'm just telling the truth As for getting caught.. There are no emails or anything. We've almost stopped texting. We don't share phone bills with with our spouses and no,. They don't suspect and anything and no... No pregnancy.. There was inter course ONE time almost a year ago. That's it. Not saying it makes it ok. I'm trying to convince myself .. I'm attempting to do the right thing. We don't all agree what that is. Edited September 9, 2013 by rae_lana Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted September 10, 2013 Author Share Posted September 10, 2013 I thought you said you only had sex with him once. We've only had intercourse once. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted September 10, 2013 Author Share Posted September 10, 2013 You do not agree that not sleeping with your "best friends" husband is the right thing? No.. I don't at all think its the right thing. That's why I came here in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted September 10, 2013 Author Share Posted September 10, 2013 Ahhh, I see... So when you say you "crossed that boundary" many times on a thread that specifically asks if you have had sex in the marital bed you meant....? Do you consider oral, sex? I do. That's all I meant. I even consider every time we just made out to be very sexual and the fact that there was no intercourse in their bed, there was in mine.. She would not care about that detail she would still consider that sex in her bed. In my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted September 10, 2013 Author Share Posted September 10, 2013 Hmm, I must have misunderstood A LOT of your story. In your last thread you said that it had been going on for about 3 weeks at the time of the posting, but now it has been a year. I thought you also said that you only had ONE physical encounter (no oral, or anything) and the rest were texts and emails, but whatever. It is all a convoluted mess, anyway. I'm not sure where I've ever said anything about 3 weeks.. we went 3 weeks very low contact this summer that's all I can think. It hasn't been a year since the physical affair started but very close too. The beginning of the physical affair it was intense and for the first couple months it was daily texting and talking and hooking up a few times a week.. Still only intercourse once and it was during that time. It was actually after that first time where communication dropped drastically from daily to weekly and I was so confused. It's when I went from being confident to so unsure about what he was thinking. We talked about how we would get caught if it went on like it was so as would slow down .. Since then it's been a lot less texting and talking and nothing physical more than once a month or so. And the pattern of hot and cold has been constant and almost like clock work.. Every time I think it's over it starts up again. It's confusing to you, it's confusing to me too. I have no idea who I am some days. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts