Dating: At this point, I must be the problem and need to improve myself

[paigej91]

Seriously though, this has been weighing my mind for awhile. Given my age, I am almost certain I must be the problem, and not vice versa. I am 21 years-old, still a virgin, though I've gone on plenty of dates. The fact that I haven't had a real relationship yet in my life and that I'm a virgin is definitely strange. My reason for being a virgin is pretty simple: I haven't been in a serious relationship before and sex is cheap- I can get it anywhere and I'd like it to be meaningful. I'm not having trouble getting attention, I'm having trouble finding someone I'd like to be in a relationship with where the feeling is mutual. The types of men who are interested in me I'm usually not at all interested in (they're often plain, boring, and/or ugly), and when I find a guy I really like, he usually doesn't reciprocate the feeling.

 

There have been 2 men in my life whom I dated long enough that we had to decide if we wanted to pursue a relationship or not- and both times a relationship wasn't pursued. The first time I got cold feet and backed out. He was super nice, cute, etc. but something about him didn't turn me on sexually. With the second guy, I think he got cold feet or just didn't want a relationship with me for one reason or another. This leads me to think I may have a problem at this stage of dating.

 

I even asked a close friend of mine why I pretty much fail when it comes to dating (I didn't phrase it this negatively) and she said I need to dress more interesting and do more things with my hair to get the types of men I want (ie: mature, sophisticated, cultured types). This is great advice from her since she knows me, but I'm starting to think there might be something keeping me back on a psychological level. Maybe my schema/idea of how the dating process should go is naive and unrealistic. Maybe I am way too picky and will unlikely ever find the type of guy I'm looking for. What are some things a woman can do behaviorally or personality-wise that keep her single? I have been single essentially my whole life and have never been in a serious relationship, which is admittedly uncommon at my age. I could blame it on the fact I go to school full-time and work over 20 hours a week, but I don't want to make excuses for myself or get fed and feminist jargon. I really want to find out what it is about ME keeping me single.

Edited September 7, 2013 by paigej91

[Mr Scorpio]

I really want to find out what it is about ME keeping me single.

 

How often do you approach people?

[paigej91]

How often do you approach people?

 

Not very often. Sometimes due to situational shyness, but often because I don't see anyone I'm intrigued by/want to get to know. Sometimes I'm also too absorbed in what I'm doing to notice other people (eg: when I'm studying at a coffee shop).

[Mr Scorpio]

Not very often. Sometimes due to situational shyness, but often because I don't see anyone I'm intrigued by/want to get to know. Sometimes I'm also too absorbed in what I'm doing to notice other people (eg: when I'm studying at a coffee shop).

 

So, in the case of situational shyness, that eliminates any mature, sophisticated, cultured, yet shy guys. Also, are you presuming that any relationship must lead to marriage? Most people have several committed relationships prior to marriage.

[paigej91]

So, in the case of situational shyness, that eliminates any mature, sophisticated, cultured, yet shy guys. Also, are you presuming that any relationship must lead to marriage? Most people have several committed relationships prior to marriage.

 

True. I may have missed out on some great guys because of mutual shyness.

 

I don't have the mindset that a relationship must lead to marriage. With that said, I won't pursue a man unless I view the relationship as one which has substance to last awhile (ideally at least a year).

[Mr Scorpio]

I don't have the mindset that a relationship must lead to marriage. With that said, I won't pursue a man unless I view the relationship as one which has substance to last awhile (ideally at least a year).

 

And what of internet dating?

[paigej91]

Whenever I see things like the bolded, it always raises red flags to me.

 

It sounds like you are looking for reasons to turn men down. Are you sure that you actually want a relationship? Or are you just telling yourself that?

 

Have you tried to date bad boys? They tend to be better looking and exciting and will interest you sexually. But I wouldn't hold out hope for a solid relationship (which, I suspect, is not what you want anyway).

 

Why does the first raise a red flag? There are also women you could categorize that way. The second bolded area is something I regret.

 

I would like to think what I tell myself (ie: that I want a relationship) is true- are you suggesting that subconsciously I might not want one?

[paigej91]

And what of internet dating?

 

I make accounts on and off, but for some reason it hasn't worked for me (yet?).

[dashfinn]

I did a similar thing too, met dozens of girls in my life and pretty much self-sabotaged many of the encounters with them. I could have had relationships with many of those girls. They weren't the problem. I was.

 

You know, I think you are afraid to put yourself out there. This is what your friend is telling to you: to be more bold. And it's fine, you can absolutely do that but first you have to work on your inner self. I'm interested how you've been dressing up in your life during the last years?

 

As tomtucker said, it seems that you're turning guys down. And it might be because of this fear that you have. You might be afraid taking things forward with these guys. Usually these type of fears boil down to being afraid of not being of enough or not being loved.

 

There's no one-size-fits-all solution to this, everyone is a little different but I encourage you to find what you like and love about yourself. After you find that, let it show with every person you meet: your girlfriends, your guy friends, strangers on the street, and so on.

 

Second thing is that you could learn to enjoy the moments you spend with guys. Just enjoy your time together with him. Try to learn different things about him and see him as whole. Go on dates with him with an open mind. Have like this child-like curiosity with him. I'd say you are too picky about men , but more importantly your fears and beliefs are holding you back from seeing guys in sexually and romantically attractive way. You just need to do some inner searching about yourself and be honest about your desires when you go out.

 

You're still very young and anything can happen. I wish you the best of luck!

[mammasita]

First of all : you're only 21.

Secondly : you're only 21.

Thirdly : Life is a continuous learning process and Every day is a chance to IMPROVE and do better. Don't look at it as a one time deal.

Lastly : you're only 21.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I sort of like the effort being made by the OP, but in ways much like those relating to a recent post where a married woman wanted details about the sex her husband was sharing with the other woman, in an attempt to possibly improve herself and her techniques, etc....

 

it is quite overboard!!!!

 

 

Mammacita is more correct on this subject than the OP can ever see from here... in part because that OP doesn't yet have a sense for being twenty-two.

 

So much of it is a mere numbers game... and some of it requires a reaction aside from absolute shock when one discovers herself getting close to a real, live, male human being who sometimes farts, sometimes smells unclean, sometimes looks at porn, sometimes forgets to call, and sometimes even seems like the last person you want to see right now.

 

 

It is so easy and comfortable to be thumbing through TV channels or magazines to notice decent prospects and then to imagine yourself (enjoying all of their positive traits)... but you need to function at a place well past some of your natural resistance in order to know the fairytale and all that comes with it.

 

 

No guy ever imagines Miss December taking out the garbage, and while so much of this dating discussion is fun to banter about, it is very possible that The OP doesn't know herself well enough just yet to have mastered just what will make the ideal mate for her.

 

She's still the world's greatest authority on herself, yet she simply needs to interact and thrive a bit more before her senses are honed keenly enough to connect with just the right person.

 

And yeah, I can guess at what it's like to watch most every female classmate in high school seem to launch into a relationship, while you remain on the proverbial sidelines, thinking yourself unworthy, or the like. But I think that a certain confidence will soon come over you, and it may result from some random exchange with some guy in your circles.

 

I can't stress enough just how important it is to stay where you are on the proverbial playing field of life while waiting for the ball to be sent your way. The instinct is surely to look around and think you can chart where the ball goes most often, and then camp there with a huge number of the other women. As soon as you do such a thing, surely the ball will be hit to the position in which you'd been before.

 

So you've gotta stay on the same path, and bring back some optimism to your outlook.

[Pompeii]

This seems like another case of woman wants bad boy traits in an easily digestible Good Man™ shell. First of all, you are 21 years old and you are a female. Any lack of dating life you have is certainly your fault. A 21 year old guy can approach women and get rejected until his face turns blue, but a 21 year old female can approach guys and most likely not get shot down.

 

I mostly see this as another "too picky/unrealistic" scenario. You say these guys don't turn you on sexually. How would you know what turns you on sexually when you haven't even had sex yet. You say you don't pursue unless you see longevity. How the hell would you know if something doesn't have longevity or not when you haven't even dated.

 

At least you have self-awareness. It is entirely your fault that you're single and a virgin. Now, do whatever you can to change it.

[paigej91]

First of all : you're only 21.

Secondly : you're only 21.

Thirdly : Life is a continuous learning process and Every day is a chance to IMPROVE and do better. Don't look at it as a one time deal.

Lastly : you're only 21.

 

I'm not looking at any guy I'm dating as a "one time opportunity". I'm trying to see what I'M doing wrong in my life that's keeping me single. What behaviors cause chronic singleness?

 

I'm 21, yes. That's young. But it's old enough that's it's kinda weird to have not had a real relationship yet (I'm not counting the 1 month one I had in high school)

[FitChick]

I even asked a close friend of mine why I pretty much fail when it comes to dating (I didn't phrase it this negatively) and she said I need to dress more interesting and do more things with my hair to get the types of men I want (ie: mature, sophisticated, cultured types). This is great advice from her since she knows me, but I'm starting to think there might be something keeping me back on a psychological level.

 

One step at a time. It's easier to fix the outside first, so do that and notice if anything changes. Men are visual creatures.