I caught my fiancee cheating but she doesn't know it

[AloneNow]

Take a few days to calm down. Try not to hit the bottle too much. All that's going to do is make you feel worse.

This is what I want to do during this week. I feel like turning off my cell phone and don't listen to any of her calls.

[NXS]

This is what I want to do during this week. I feel like turning off my cell phone and don't listen to any of her calls.

 

Ok well do that, you don't owe her any explanation until you're ready to do so. When your fog lifts a bit then you can start thinking about extracting her from your house and your life. Keep posting.

[AloneNow]

Ok this is how is going to be next week and thank for the ideas people:

As usual she'll be excited to see me and most likely say something like this like ''Hey Honey where have you been, I've been worrying about you. You didn't return my calls, are you ok?''

 

Me: No reply

Her: keeps asking

Me: Do you have anything you want to say? Anything you've been hiding?

 

If she ends up admitting it, I'll say: Thank you but I already know it, just wanted you to tell me. It's over.

 

If she denies it say ''Are you sure''?. If still in denial, then I'll say: Ok then who was that guy I saw you ****ing with in my house, it's over.

 

Before I leave, I'll be like: I'll let everyone know what type of cheating whore you are.

[carhill]

OP, remember the old days when the guy would cheat and his wife would throw his stuff out on the lawn and kick him out of the house? Happened a lot in my parents and my generation's days.

 

Absent a cohabitation contract/her name being on the deed or mortgage, if you don't want her around right now, do the modern-day version. What worked well for women in the past when their spouses cheated can work well for you today when your fiance cheats. Equality.

 

Ask yourself: Is there one good reason for you to be nice right now? Really?

 

LS'ers often talk about the 180; look that up and see if it speaks to you. Put yourself first. Seek out the support of your friends and family. Network. Good luck.

[Bryanp]

Just tell her you saw her banging her lover in your home and you immediately took the ring and set up an appointment for STD testing. At that point you realized what type of person she is and that you are done and then hang up.

[bubbaganoosh]

Your going about this in the wrong way Let me explain

 

1. Get your head out of the bottle. It wont numb the pain. Just make it worse.

 

2. She had a sex with another guy IN YOUR HOUSE Not hers YOURS.

 

3. Your bunking out at your cousins house, no doubt sleeping on the couch. She's IN YOUR HOUSE!

 

4. By waiting until next week your only prolonging the inevitable. No doubt she will find you before your ready to talk and your plan is foiled.

 

5. By waiting until next week, if she's an intelligent woman, she's going to know something stinks in the wood pile and there's a good chance she might put two and two together and figure out that you may know which will give her a few days to come up with a story. I've read on these forums of men getting snowballed because they waited too long. You might not be an exception to the rule.

 

6. Get in your car now. Go to your house. YOUR HOUSE! When you get there don't give her any chance to talk. Just tell her what you told us. You saw with your own eyes and you can prove it by showing her what used to be her engagement ring. When she see the ring, she's going to know that you had to be there because she knew she left it on the table. Then you tell her to start packing and she has an hour to pack and be gone. Tell her to let you know where she going to be and you'll pack up the rest of her stuff and deliver it to her new residence. If she opens her mouth, look at your watch and say, YOU NOW HAVE 59 MINUETS and say nothing else. If she hesitated, then you tell her to either pack or you will and then say 58 MINUETS.

 

Do not wait. Get it over with now. The longer you wait the longer it will take to heal.

Edited September 8, 2013 by bubbaganoosh

[oldshirt]

 

 

5. By waiting until next week, if she's an intelligent woman, she's going to know something stinks in the wood pile and there's a good chance she might put two and two together and figure out that you may know which will give her a few days to come up with a story.

 

I have to agree. Right now she is deleting emails and txts and cleaning out all the evidence and working on alibis and cover stories and covering her tracks as best she can.

 

If that is your house and her name is not on the deed, she leaves.

[Toddbt12y1]

Make her leave your house.

 

No games.

 

No need to wait for other evidences. Really, at this point, it hardly matters if she deletes any emails or other. He saw her with his own two eyes.

 

That is enough to say goodbye. You can give her the reason why, so she can reflect. Or not....

 

Point being: this is over. No need to skip stones, end it quickly. If she cries, she will, keep walking in the other way. Make sure to mention, she is barred from your home..if she shows up, the cops will be called.

 

Only unless she comes for her things. Be there, don't even speak to her. Ignore her lies, and there will be lies and promises. She showed no remorse. Trust me, she already has worked a clue as to why this is happening.

 

If you have to force a person to tell you, what point is there in wasting your time? There is no remorse. Each word out of her mouth, will be poison, hindering and hurting you.

[strongnrelaxed]

There is a saying that goes something like - "the best revenge is a life well-lived"

 

I know this is not what you want to hear right now, but it is true and something you can return to when it feels bad.

 

In the long run, she will screw around - most women do. You have to look very hard for one who will not do this to you.

 

Better you found out before you had kids (I hope) and got married. You dodged a bullet brother.

 

Congratulations.

[Jonah]

Never mind the affair, the alcohol consumption is the real problem. Loose that and you will shed many a problem that goes with that lifestyle. Keep the alcohol in your life and swap gals and you will still have gal problems. Maybe not the same problems, but gal problems all the same. Read the threads, most betrayals had alcohol involved somewhere...

[whichwayisup]

I know but it hurt what she did. We had a great relationship and there was nothing missing. I put all my effort and energy to it and that's what I get in return?

 

Is it because I'm just too good that I failed? I don't really get it. I haven't mistreat her in any way. I never insulted her nor ever lay a hand on her. Why??

 

Do not blame yourself. This is ALL on her. She's screwed up and is broken inside. Obviously she is selfish and did not appreciate you or all that you did for her. Her LOSS man. Really it is. One day she'll realize what she threw away by cheating on you. The life she could have had with you, all gone because she couldn't stay committed and faithful to you.

 

I know you're hurting and you have every right to feel upset, hurt, angry, etc..etc.. Just don't beat yourself up. Again, this is not your fault, it's hers.

[2sunny]

She cheated because she is the cheating type. Be glad you know now - not 10 years from now.

 

Get her out of your house now! Go there and tell her she must be gone with everything she needs within 10 minutes.

 

The house is yours - no need to stay anywhere else - she cheated = she leaves.

 

And get your deposit money back before she does. She deserves nothing from you.

 

 

The only words you need to say besides "leave now" are "it's over, I'm not marrying a woman who cheats".

[Ebelskiver]

I have issue with all the name calling, "loser", "Whore", etc. People are people and sometimes good people do stupid things. That being said, you certainly are under no obligation to stick around. A good saying that is apropos here is, "The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference."

 

If you really want to hurt her, have her spend years in limbo and have you be the man she "Never gets over." Simply, never speak to her again. It's one of the cruelest things you can do to someone. Also, it helps you avoid being pulled back in by her excuses. If you have no interest in reconciliation then No Contact is the way to go. Have a friend tell her to be out of the house in a day. Change the locks, your phone number. If she sees you in person, tell her to leave or you are calling the cops. She never needs to know the reason.

 

If I could have done that with my cheating boyfriend we wouldn't be together now. It worked out for us, and we're happy now. Our relationship is better than it has ever been because of the cheating and resultant counseling and therapy and focus on us. I never would have thought I would have taken him back.....but I spoke to him....he convinced me of his remorse. So if you have truly no interest in that....don't give her the chance to sway your opinion.

[Trimmer]

No don't do it through email. Don't be a pu$$y. She probably already thinks you are a pu$$y and that is why she cheated on you in the first place. don't confirm it by addressing this by email.

But assuming he decides to break off the relationship (which I strongly suggest) then I wouldn't encourage him to take actions based on what she will think, or in order to create an impression in her. She no longer matters in any way, so he should break it off in whatever way works best for him, without any consideration (other than legality and the very minimal, basic human courtesy) about her.

 

His recovery from this must be completely separate from her. It must not rely upon her or her impression of him or any connection with her at all.

 

Ok this is how is going to be next week and thank for the ideas people:

As usual she'll be excited to see me and most likely say something like this like ''Hey Honey where have you been, I've been worrying about you. You didn't return my calls, are you ok?''

 

Me: No reply

Her: keeps asking

Me: Do you have anything you want to say? Anything you've been hiding?

 

If she ends up admitting it, I'll say: Thank you but I already know it, just wanted you to tell me. It's over.

 

If she denies it say ''Are you sure''?. If still in denial, then I'll say: Ok then who was that guy I saw you ****ing with in my house, it's over.

 

Before I leave, I'll be like: I'll let everyone know what type of cheating whore you are.

As others have suggested, don't even get into a back and forth with her. Don't even leave her an opening to start a discussion. If you decide it's over, that's all you need to communicate to her. Do it neutrally and without passion of any kind. Be indifferent until she's gone.

 

DANGER: I know you are hurting, and I've been in your shoes. You might be tempted to do anything that will reduce the pain in the short term (e.g.: alcohol), even if it's not in your best interest in the long term.

 

She will beg, she will offer, she will paint you an image of the future that you may deeply desire. We'll get through this, I prooooomise, I feel terrible, it will never happen again, I've learned my lesson, etc. etc. etc. She'll promise that you guys can go back to the way things used to be, which is the one shining, tantalizing fantasy that every betrayed partner just aches to achieve.

 

But it's a fantasy. Just like a dose of alcohol, this fantasy hangs out there, offering relief from the pain. But recognize it for what it is: she is grasping at straws, and probably intuitively knows that this is the thing that you will want the most. But she can't promise that - it can never again be the way it was.

 

I'm in a pissy mood, and I won't argue for reconciliation - others here may do that, but not me; not tonight. You can't go back to the way it was. The most I will say is you might start over again from scratch - with someone you now know has a deep character flaw. But you can't go back, so don't give in to the opiate of that fantasy.

 

Knock off the alcohol; keep a clear mind so you can keep a clear purpose.

[oldshirt]

But assuming he decides to break off the relationship (which I strongly suggest) then I wouldn't encourage him to take actions based on what she will think, or in order to create an impression in her. She no longer matters in any way, so he should break it off in whatever way works best for him, without any consideration (other than legality and the very minimal, basic human courtesy) about her.

 

His recovery from this must be completely separate from her. It must not rely upon her or her impression of him or any connection with her at all.

 

 

I kind of agree with you that what she thinks anymore is irrelevant. But they live in the same house and it is unrealistic if not downright impossible that they won't see each other face to face at some point.

 

Why make it easy on her? Why hide the pain and destruction? Let her see what she's done.

[oldshirt]

 

 

As others have suggested, don't even get into a back and forth with her. Don't even leave her an opening to start a discussion. If you decide it's over, that's all you need to communicate to her. Do it neutrally and without passion of any kind. Be indifferent until she's gone.

 

 

She will beg, she will offer, she will paint you an image of the future that you may deeply desire. We'll get through this, I prooooomise, I feel terrible, it will never happen again, I've learned my lesson, etc. etc. etc. She'll promise that you guys can go back to the way things used to be, which is the one shining, tantalizing fantasy that every betrayed partner just aches to achieve.

 

But it's a fantasy. Just like a dose of alcohol, this fantasy hangs out there, offering relief from the pain. But recognize it for what it is: she is grasping at straws, and probably intuitively knows that this is the thing that you will want the most. But she can't promise that - it can never again be the way it was.

 

I'm in a pissy mood, and I won't argue for reconciliation - others here may do that, but not me; not tonight. You can't go back to the way it was. The most I will say is you might start over again from scratch - with someone you now know has a deep character flaw. But you can't go back, so don't give in to the opiate of that fantasy.

 

Knock off the alcohol; keep a clear mind so you can keep a clear purpose.

 

And I agree with all of this as well. She will likely beg and plead and promise the stars and moon. It will all just be a ploy so you don't hate her and to alleviate her guilt.

 

if you saw this with your own eyes, it's not realistic to think that you will be able to overcome this and get past it. Sure she can promise not to do it again and she could be the perfect little Miss Suzy Homemaker and suck your d!ck every night for the next ten years, but you will never actually view her or your relationship in the same light ever again. It will also be tainted with the visions in your head.

 

While we are all raised up to believe that we should "work on" relationships and probably lots of people will encourage you to try to find out what was wrong and to try to "work on" it. The truth is the time and energy that you spend trying to reconcile and trying to work things out will likely just prolong the inevitable and just end up wasting time and energy that could have been spent moving on with your own life.

[oldshirt]

 

While we are all raised up to believe that we should "work on" relationships and probably lots of people will encourage you to try to find out what was wrong and to try to "work on" it. The truth is the time and energy that you spend trying to reconcile and trying to work things out will likely just prolong the inevitable and just end up wasting time and energy that could have been spent moving on with your own life.

 

..now IMHO I suppose a session or two with a counselor may help you deal with some of the pain and bitterness and it may help both of you move on with your own lives so that you don't have as much baggage and bitterness and trust issues etc going forward...

 

.. but it should be geared towards that, moving forward with your own lives without any more baggage and resentment etc and should NOT be spent towards reconciling and trying to get back together.

[road]

We've been together in total for 4 years and engaged for 9 months. No children but I we talked about having kids after the wedding.

 

I'll be seeking a lawyer because that's my house. We were already living together way before getting engaged and no I had no idea she had a cheating heart. I really didn't see that coming. Regarding cars, yes both of us have our own cars. I left in mine when I saw it all.

 

Ages: I'm 28 years old and she's 26.

 

 

Your house.

 

When XGF goes to work you change the locks.

 

Bag up her stuff and dump it at the OM house or her parents house.

[oldshirt]

Your house.

 

When XGF goes to work you change the locks.

 

Bag up her stuff and dump it at the OM house or her parents house.

 

I honestly do agree with involving the OM with dealing with her stuff. If you really want to make an impact, find out where he works and dump it front of his workplace and tell the receptionist you have a delivery for _____.

 

Or if he is married or living with a GF dump it off while she is home.

[oldshirt]

If you really want to make an impact, find out where he works and dump it front of his workplace

 

Take some buddies with you so that you can dump off as much stuff as you can before they call the police and then get out of their before the police get there because they will make you pick it back up.

 

If you are gone before the police get there then they'll have to deal with it they will likely make the OM take care of it.

[AloneNow]

You're right I'm prolonging this way too long waiting for the next week. I'm going to do today in the afternoon when I get off work.

 

No, there is no way I'll ever look at her the same. All I see is her with the OM. I don't care what she has to say or promise. You don't cheat on someone you love. If you don't love the person then breaking up is the answer, not banging someone else.

 

I'll keep you all updated. I guess I want my introduction to be that way when we talk (I'm going to dump her either way) to see what else she was to say and that shocking look in her face when she finds out I was there.

 

I like that 60 mins suggestion to get all her stuff out of my house. I still don't know who the OM was but she used to live with her parents before.

[AloneNow]

Another thing I get along great with her parents too but should I inform them about this or not? They are asked what happened anyway.

 

Right now only my cousin knows this. I was never the type of man to talk bad about a woman to everyone but after what she did, I don't know anymore.

[aliveagain]

I bought moving boxes and brought them home so she could start packing, (my ex never confessed even though she had his child). She must suspect something's up, she knows her ring is gone, that ether Other Man stole it when he was there or you must of come in and took it. I guess she's thinking that by not having her engagement ring on, it's not tainted, technically she's not cheating. Amazing, she thought to take it off before she banged him in "your" house.

 

When you tell her to get out, make arrangements for the day she will be getting her things, including the bed she banged him in. You will need to buy a new bed, linens, towels(he probably washed himself off). Have a family member or close friend there when she comes to get her things, you won't want to be there, it hurts. Inform her that the locks will be changed and wish her the best. As much as this hurts I think you dodged a bullet, cheaper to handle it now than when children are involved. At least you will never have to question the paternity of your children. When she leaves, tell her parents so they know what to expect if you have a good relation with them.

[oldshirt]

Another thing I get along great with her parents too but should I inform them about this or not? They are asked what happened anyway.

 

Right now only my cousin knows this. I was never the type of man to talk bad about a woman to everyone but after what she did, I don't know anymore.

 

Since you do have a relationship with them, they will need to be informed and at some point they will need to hear it from your lips and you will need to confirm that you saw it with your own eyes.

 

I must stress that this needs to be from a, "this is what happened and this is what I need to do.." perspective and not from a perspective of where you are trying to shame or hurt her. she is their daughter and they will ultimately stand behind her even though they know what she did was wrong.

 

It is important for you to frame it in a way where she is not being slandered or shamed or punished by you but rather that you are informing them of why you need to break off the engagement and move on with your life. Frame it in way that says you enjoyed your relationship with them and you wish them well but this is why you need to be move on.

 

If you want to be honorable you can give her the option of breaking it to them first so they can hear it from her first (as a parent, you always want to hear it from your child first)

 

But it is important that they also hear it from you because she is going to try to spin it to make it sound like she was the victim and you are the bad guy.

 

And as painful as it will be for you to say and for them to hear, it is important for them to know that you caught her redhanded and saw it with your own eyes because otherwise they are going to hold on to a thin ray of hope that this was all just some misunderstanding and that it really did not happen and that you are misinterpreting things and that his penis didn't really go into her vagina and that he really didn't cum inside her blah blah blah.

 

It really is important for all of you that they hear it from you directly. Just don't do it in a vindictive manner towards her or towards them or anything like that. It is simply informing them openly of why the wedding is off and you are no longer going to be in their lives.

[Bryanp]

I would most certainly tell her parents. There has to be consequences to her actions. This is just so amazing that she would have the nerve to have sex with another man in your home. This is the ultimately in disrespect and distain toward you. If you do not respect yourself then who will. She is an absolute pig.