I caught my fiancee cheating but she doesn't know it

[BeholdtheMan]

I just told her I knew what she did 3 days ago and she was confused, demanding what I was talking about.

Playing dumb until the end...sickening

 

It wasn't until I showed her the ring that she started breaking down and kept saying sorry and went on explaining about her commitment issues way before I met her, anxiety problems in her school years, how some friend once molested as a teen, etc. I understand this must be hard but what does any of this has to do with our engagement she threw away?

Nothing, just a bunch of excuses

 

I helped with moved her clothes, pictures I'm with her, her toothbrush, pencils and other utensils out and into the boxes. Once this was done, I got into the car and told her we were going to her parents' house and how I'm going to tell them while she continue crying asking to give her another chance, how I mean the world to her and would give me as much kids as I want.

LOL, I don't think you'd want to have kids with this woman...like ever

 

I thanked them for meeting their daughter, how I really wanted to form a family with her but she won't be living in my house no more and wished them all the best.

Good on you for handling this like a complete gentleman (not synomymous with pushover "nice guy"). I really hope you'll move on completely from your deceitful fiance

 

I hope she seeks help on her own. I really had no idea she had that amount of luggage. If I had known this, I might not have continue dating her.

Yes, your ex-fiance is no longer your concern. Go no contact. You're not running a charity. She has to deal with her own problems.

[2sunny]

In staying strong - I suggest blocking her number and changing the locks - so she can't reach you.

 

Any further words from her will be to explain the excuses for her bad behavior - and trying to get you to overlook what she's done.

[BeholdtheMan]

In staying strong - I suggest blocking her number and changing the locks - so she can't reach you.

 

Any further words from her will be to explain the excuses for her bad behavior - and trying to get you to overlook what she's done.

Yes, there's a good chance she'll try to worm her way back into your life while you're feeling particularly vulnerable and weak.

 

You have to go full no contact. Don't let her try to manipulate you with her tears and excuses. You have to cut her off completely in order to start your life anew

[Bryanp]

You are a very impressive person the way you handled this situation.

I have a question. The fact that she would bring another person to your home to have sex with and in your mom made me wonder if she in fact wished for you to catch her cheating. It was so blatant and obvious that it made me think she wanted to get caught. By the way did you even bother ask if this was not her first time cheating on you?

 

Because this may have not have been her first time I would strongly suggest that you get tested for STD's.

 

You truly are a really class act. Good luck.

[BetrayedH]

I'm obviously late to the thread but I also concur with one of the previous posters in thinking you did well in maintaining your composure when you walked in on them. It's difficult to explain how these kinds of realizations about your significant other can completely cloud your judgment. It can be overwhelming. I'm one that made a lot of mistakes. I don't see a lot to regret in your choices. Well done.

[Chi townD]

And, by no means, is this story done yet. She's going to try and get back with you at whatever cost. She's gonna blow up your phone, send you emails and texts that would be able to fill up a novel.

 

YOU NEED TO IGNORE IT ALL.

[carhill]

OP, glad it worked out. Kudos to you for the way you handled it. Perhaps some quiet time with family and friends will be beneficial now. If there are no immediate actions which need to be taken regarding the wedding, I'd suggest disconnecting contact for awhile and let things settle out. That means terminating contact forms with your ex-fiance. Good luck.

[Toddbt12y1]

I have to say Alone, you are one of the very few people who have stunned and surprised me with how well you are handling this. Went about this, and all.

 

You are one hell of a man! Most would want their partner shamed, or play the revenge card, and some childish crap. You handled this with respect, care and admiration for her parents. Even her...you weren't mean spirited. You didn't insult her.

 

You handled this like a man, and I am truly in awe.

[bubbaganoosh]

Alone now.

 

I was wondering. Do you know who the OM was? Have you ever seen this guy around while you were with your fiancé? Did he work with her?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Alone,

 

I would like to echo the thoughts of many other posters here. You handled this with maturity and grace and in the most dignified way possible.

 

I know for a long time to come people will reference your situation as the way it should be done.

 

I know also that it does not yet give you comfort in your pain.

 

But trust me, it will.

 

IIWII

[stillafool]

Good for you Alone. You really dodged a bullet by finding this out now. I too think you should change your phone number and block any other method of contact she might use to reach you. Talking and listening to her lies is the last thing you need right now. As a matter of fact what you need is a vacation and a change of scenery.

[Editbee]

I had the same thing happened to me with an ex bf long ago. That cheating loser did it in my bed too. I think cheaters are getting more disgusting over the years. I can't think of any other word to describe to that woman but the OP is such a good man to refrained from publicly shaming her and getting revenge. He even helped her moved her stuff. I would have thrown all that stuff out and tell her to take them all in her own car or leave out in the streets.

 

I didn't get revenge but only because he was just a bf and I was totally in love with him but had I been engaged to that loser, then he would have know what a mad woman can do when hurt deeply.

[oldshirt]

I too am impressed with how you have handled this. I know that had to have hurt and this whole thing has to be tough but how you have handled confronting her and taking care of business with her and how you handled her folks is one for future textbooks.

 

I doubt if many men would have been able to have kept their composure when walking in on what you did. You may have second guessed yourself for not storming in and kicking his ass and bitching her cheating ass out on the spot, but I gotta tell ya, how you handled getting her out of your house and how you handled her parents took some real BRASS BALLS and I am impressed my friend. Don't kid yourself, you are a man of strength and integrity.

 

You handled this well so far. The challenge now is to continue to move forward with your life and to pursue your own best interests and do what is best for you and your own well being.

 

She IS going to try to worm her way back into your heart and into your bed. You will be VERY tempted to take her up on her offers. Use that strength and integrity to take care of yourself and do what is in your best long-term interests.

[harrybrown]

You should maintain your No Contact with her. You need her out of your life and this no contact will help you get better than still having her in your life.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Alone, As so many have already said, you have handled the whole sorry situation in a superb manner. A royal salute to you my friend! Although you have conducted yourself in a fabulous way, the fact remains that this must be one of the most painful and depressing episodes in your entire life. Well all I can say is you have done well so far and you must keep your chin up and move on from this horrible experience with the resoluteness that you have shown so far. I wish you all the very best.

 

I also wanted to say that your story has great similarities with that of BryanP 37's. His ex wife too, was juvenile in her behaviour and thought that she could do things that a teenager could do and get away with it. Just a thought. Cheers!

[AloneNow]

I'm going through your replies as I haven't finish reading them all but I would like to thank you every one of you for your support.

 

Regarding if I had seen the OM prior to catching her, no I haven't. I don't have the slightest clue about where he came from and it's not someone I saw at her workplace either.

 

As of right now, I don't have a bed and will continue sleeping on the couch till I buy a new one sometime this week. At least that's better than having the one where she had the affair.

 

I believe another poster asked why I was initially more angry at the OM and not her; well I guess it's a matter of choosing who to take your anger at. At the moment, I really hated more the OM than her. After all we are taught from early ages how it's wrong to show aggression to a girl so we might think about going after the guy instead. It's wrong to hit a girl as a boy so it's wrong to hit a woman as a grown man. Another reason well I think it's because it's easier to hate a stranger than someone you loved. In that moment, you start thinking it's that stranger that got in that way. Off course it takes two to tango but that's usually what you think first.

 

I know this might sound stupid but if I saw that guy again, I would tell him a bunch of bad things. I still see him as the intruder since I never even met him before. I know my ex fiancee was responsible for this too but at least I once shared my house and life with her, not with the OM. While I'm disappointed and disgusted with her action but don't hate her, I feel total hatred for the OM.

 

I received another call from her. I know I shouldn't have answer but I got curious to what she had to say and picked up. This time she wasn't crying but

explained how truly sorry she was, wishing me well and that she wouldn't bother me anymore but asked if we can talk a bit. Once again, she explained her commitment issues, wanting to be a better person and how she was going to seek counseling starting this week but will do it for herself. She too was surprised I was calmed during all that time and said I was one of the nicest man ever. She ended with an ''Want you to know that it's my fault. I messed up, etc. I'm sorry, don't deserve you''.

 

Then several minutes, I received a message from her saying:

Hi Kent,

Thank you for hearing me one last time. As mentioned I won't bother you anymore. This isn't to ask you back. I know I don't deserve you. I got no excuse for what I did and I'm very sorry. I'll always carry this remorse for the rest of my life. You were the greatest man ever and still are. My parents missed you a lot. You know, you were a family to them and I have gotten a loud scolding from them. Once again, I'm sorry for hurting you badly. I would do anything to make you feel better but can't. I'm sorry. Well I don't waste any more of your time. I'll be seeking a counselor for myself and wish you the best.

And if you ever want to be my friend one day, just let me know. It's ok if you don't want to.

[AloneNow]

I'm wondering if her parents had some role in instructing her to say all that. She went from crying hysterical and begging me back to saying I don't deserve her and finally taking responsibility for what she did. It seemed like a quick changed. She seemed slightly more mature in her speech than how she was talking before. Or maybe she's finally realizing what she lost and is truly experiencing remorse.

[Balzac]

At this point her remorse is about getting caught and whatever shame her parents are shoveling. I'd say your inkling about parental pressure is spot on.

Don't try to figure her out. Clearly problems exist - of a long standing nature.

My opinion is she is she'll do minimal counseling until the next man steps into her web. It's sad but you cannot help her. Self sabotage at the level she's playing it can be a cesspool with tidal action.

 

Nice you shared your story and returned tonight for summary. Thank you.

[2sunny]

I'm thinking she was hoping you would forgive her and take her back... Otherwise, why would she text after she had already stated the same thing? She was fishing = hoping you would say it was ok - and take her back.

 

What was your response to that text?

[LBlanc]

OP stop wondering what happened and how and why she changed her tune. Its seemed to me your ex is doing a reverse "180" (search the forum as to what that is if you don't know). Please don't take the bait. Just shut her out from your mind. That goes for the OM too. Neither of them are worth a micro second of your thoughts.

 

Just move on and don't ever look back.

Edited September 10, 2013 by LBlanc
clarity

[Balzac]

Sadly love does not just end on a single note. Shock, numbness and a search for what signs we missed. Slowly coming to terms w the loss and the wondering of how deeply we truly knew the former partner. Shock slows life down.

 

Take all the time you need.

[AloneNow]

I'm thinking she was hoping you would forgive her and take her back... Otherwise, why would she text after she had already stated the same thing? She was fishing = hoping you would say it was ok - and take her back.

 

What was your response to that text?

I send something very short and it's this:

Well I hope you seek help for your issues and do become a better person. As you know, we won't be getting back. Bye now

 

I forgive her in the way I don't wish her ill but forgiving doesn't mean getting back with her. I'm moving on and will soon be dating other women and she knows we're done for good.

[BeholdtheMan]

I'm wondering if her parents had some role in instructing her to say all that. She went from crying hysterical and begging me back to saying I don't deserve her and finally taking responsibility for what she did. It seemed like a quick changed. She seemed slightly more mature in her speech than how she was talking before. Or maybe she's finally realizing what she lost and is truly experiencing remorse.

It doesn't matter. As mentioned by another poster, her remorse is a result of being caught and berated by her own family.

 

Keep in mind that this woman would've kept you in the dark and allowed you to marry her. She even left you messages - bullsh*t like "I'm so worried about you honey, why haven't you called me back? Blah blah blah" - while screwing another man on your bed.

 

Go full NC. No contact whatsoever. What she's looking for right now is to assuage her own guilt. To part on more bearable terms. Don't give her that. You don't have to shame her but neither do you have to soothe her guilt. Just give her silence. Let her stew.

[2sunny]

I don't think she deserves any more of your time or energy.

 

You did well considering your circumstances.

[Bryanp]

I would like to post my previous reply and ask you again if this is a possibility?

 

The fact that she would bring another person to your home to have sex with and in your mom made me wonder if she in fact wished for you to catch her cheating. It was so blatant and obvious that it made me think she wanted to get caught. By the way did you even bother ask if this was not her first time cheating on you?

 

Because this may have not have been her first time I would strongly suggest that you get tested for STD's.