I caught my fiancee cheating but she doesn't know it

[AloneNow]

Go full NC. No contact whatsoever. What she's looking for right now is to assuage her own guilt. To part on more bearable terms. Don't give her that. You don't have to shame her but neither do you have to soothe her guilt. Just give her silence. Let her stew.

Thank you and yes I'm going NC now. That was really our last conversation.

 

So far I haven't gotten any more calls nor messages. I think she gets it.

[AloneNow]

I would like to post my previous reply and ask you again if this is a possibility?

 

The fact that she would bring another person to your home to have sex with and in your mom made me wonder if she in fact wished for you to catch her cheating. It was so blatant and obvious that it made me think she wanted to get caught. By the way did you even bother ask if this was not her first time cheating on you?

Thank you for mentioning and while I was driving to her parents', I briefly asked her that and she said it was the second time but kept assuring me that the OM used protection both times. She said the first time didn't happen in my house but in a motel room.

 

Either way, she had to have known that cheating on me would be the end of our engagement and relationship overall. I don't get why she still took that risk but she lost me for good.

 

Because this may have not have been her first time I would strongly suggest that you get tested for STD's.

No, it wasn't. She said it was the second time. Yes, I'm going to get tested today.

[stillafool]

While I'm disappointed and disgusted with her action but don't hate her, I feel total hatred for the OM.

 

Alone did you ever think that this man may not have even known this woman was engaged to you? Your hatred should be directed toward her because she is the one who betrayed you not the OM. She is being slick with her response hoping you will forgive her so she doesn't have to face the shame of canceling her wedding. She can never be trusted because it takes a special kind of person to do what she did. If you hadn't caught her she would have carried on even after you were married. Block her from contacting you in any way. She is poison for you.

[Athena]

Well done for handling that as best as possible.

 

I want to warn you that it's not always easy getting rid of someone/going no contact... even though she turned it around and acted 'maturely' by apologizing (but -- it's JUST WORDS!!) and taking responsibility, it doesn't mean that she will end it there.

 

My guess is that she will try other tactics to manipulate you. If you ask me, that 'little girl act' she responded with when you told her you know about her cheating, and then turning it around a day or two later and being cool, calm, and collected, is a sure fire sign that she is manipulative. So watch out, because she may become 100% focused on getting you back.

 

I'm a little suspicious that she immediately offered to go to counseling... that old trick is used to placate an angry, hurt, partner who has given up on a cheating partner.... perhaps she is trolling the internet looking into those promises, "How to get your spouse back" sites which gives them step-by-step instructions on what to say and do.

 

My cheating husband signed up for one of those.

I'm still married to him.

Eight affairs, plus, counting.

 

My advice to you, don't pick up the phone next time out of curiosity... just like the fish that is curious about the shining 'thing' in the water, and goes to investigate, YOU will be risking being caught, again.

 

You may be resolute today, but in a few weeks she will try and try again, and you will be lonely, had no sex, and had time to rethink all the positive qualities, then she will come in for the kill with her proof of change as she's been to see a counselor a couple of times (it's not enough... she needs YEARS!) -- don't fall for that. Guard yourself. She will make you her mission, and will have expert advice on what works... watch out.

[Trimmer]

And yes, its completely understandable to be angry at the OM. But not more than your gf.

 

As far as another reason being its easier to hate a stranger than someone you loved. I can see that a little. But the one you loved f*****d you over and was responsible to you directly.

That's the analysis after the rational mind takes over again, but for some of us it's a looong time before that comes back fully, and it's certainly all messed up in the immediate period right after a discovery.

 

I remember months after my marriage broke up, seeing my wife's OM driving down the street toward me, and thinking, I could just swerve head-on right into him right now.

 

It's a fundamental instinct to circle the wagons and see the outsider as the threat, so even when it's objectively obvious that your spouse is not there with you, and the outsider really isn't the fundamental reason, your instinct still rages at the outsider. It takes a while to get past that, so I can completely understand the OP's instincts in the near term period.

[Betterthanthis13]

That's the analysis after the rational mind takes over again, but for some of us it's a looong time before that comes back fully, and it's certainly all messed up in the immediate period right after a discovery.

 

I remember months after my marriage broke up, seeing my wife's OM driving down the street toward me, and thinking, I could just swerve head-on right into him right now.

 

It's a fundamental instinct to circle the wagons and see the outsider as the threat, so even when it's objectively obvious that your spouse is not there with you, and the outsider really isn't the fundamental reason, your instinct still rages at the outsider. It takes a while to get past that, so I can completely understand the OP's instincts in the near term period.

 

Its amazing how this point is completely lost on some people, and I don't mean that in a derogatory way. I wish I could think of an analogy to explain it to people who don't get it

[ChooseTruth]

Just wanna say, I wish I had ended it this simply. sigh....

 

Great job, you dodged a LOT of mess. I know it still sucks though. You are doing great, that's present tense because I know it has to be an ongoing thing right now.

[road]

That's the analysis after the rational mind takes over again, but for some of us it's a looong time before that comes back fully, and it's certainly all messed up in the immediate period right after a discovery.

 

I remember months after my marriage broke up, seeing my wife's OM driving down the street toward me, and thinking, I could just swerve head-on right into him right now.

 

It's a fundamental instinct to circle the wagons and see the outsider as the threat, so even when it's objectively obvious that your spouse is not there with you, and the outsider really isn't the fundamental reason, your instinct still rages at the outsider. It takes a while to get past that, so I can completely understand the OP's instincts in the near term period.

 

Its amazing how this point is completely lost on some people, and I don't mean that in a derogatory way. I wish I could think of an analogy to explain it to people who don't get it

 

 

People making things to complicated.

 

The BS has no reason to ever forgive the AP.

 

So the anger and hate will always be there for the AP.

 

The BS that wants to recover their marriage can not do so if they do not let go of the anger for their WS. Can not have a recovered marriage if the BS is going to be angry forever about the affair.

 

Oh a BIG boo hoo for the AP because life if not fair. That rat bass tard BS will forgive the WS though not the poor AP.

 

Oh wait a minute a question: How fair was it for the AP to bang his way into the BS's marriage?

[AloneNow]

Alone did you ever think that this man may not have even known this woman was engaged to you? Your hatred should be directed toward her because she is the one who betrayed you not the OM.

I have thought about it but hate him either way. In my mind, he'll always be the intruder in my house. There were frames of us and also of the proposal so he had to have known we were together. I don't buy that he didn't know it.

As I said before it does sounds stupid but I have no hatred towards her. Even after what she did, my feelings for her haven't completely disappear. I still care for her but can't be with her anymore, can't trust her and can't help her. I hope she learned from this, is able to get on with her life and receive the help she needs to work on her past issues. The only people that knows what happened as of now are my cousin, her parents, my parents, my younger sister and closest friend Anthony. I haven't told anyone at my workplace nor other friends and just said we broke up for personal reasons.

She is being slick with her response hoping you will forgive her so she doesn't have to face the shame of canceling her wedding.

I do forgive her but that doesn't mean taking her back.

She can never be trusted because it takes a special kind of person to do what she did. If you hadn't caught her she would have carried on even after you were married. Block her from contacting you in any way. She is poison for you.

I agree. As much as it hurt me ending the engagement, I had to. It would have driven me crazy wondering where she is all the time I'm not around and forever having those visual images of them together if we were getting intimate again. It was over right there for me. I haven't gotten anymore calls nor messages so I think she understands by now so no need to change my number.

[AloneNow]

That was me. But nowhere did I ever insinuate, and even said leave violence out of it, that you should hit your fiance.

 

Point is, you shouldn't want to hit the OM if you would end up treating your fiance with kid gloves. She is the one more responsible to you.

And yes, its completely understandable to be angry at the OM. But not more than your gf.

Thank you for replying and you're right. I'm painting the OM as the bad person in the story but not her. Don't get me wrong. I know she is responsible for the end of the engagement and there is never an excuse to cheat but my love was shared with her, not the OM.

As far as another reason being its easier to hate a stranger than someone you loved. I can see that a little. But the one you loved f*****d you over and was responsible to you directly.

Wish it was that easy working through logic only but it's not.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Alone,

 

You continue to show a huge amount of maturity and dignity. I wish you peace and maybe you can stick around and help others?

 

IIWII

[AloneNow]

My advice to you, don't pick up the phone next time out of curiosity... just like the fish that is curious about the shining 'thing' in the water, and goes to investigate, YOU will be risking being caught, again.

She hasn't call since last time we talked.

[AloneNow]

Alone,

 

You continue to show a huge amount of maturity and dignity. I wish you peace and maybe you can stick around and help others?

 

IIWII

Sure no problem. During my spare time I'll sometimes be going to this site and help those going through the same thing I did as well as those that did what my ex fiancee did. Thank you.

[AloneNow]

I completely get the irrational thought process when its all too raw for people. Been there, done that.

I would say it's love for some of us. I loved her so much, she meant the world to me that if we were on a falling plane and there was only one parachute left, I would give it to her (it was that very moment I felt this way that I proposed). It just doesn't go away like that. I guess this irrational process is so strong.

Oh I know my brother. Its a painful and ****ty situation. I know what you are going through. All I can tell you is it will get better and you will realize in the end, as someone else pointed out, you dodged a bullet.

Just when I think it's getting better she shows up in my dream. It in, I was running through a maze trying to find her and every time I'm reaching her, I was pulled back further; I was struggling. Then I woke up and cried a bit. She used to be with me, hugging me, that tender voice saying Good morning honey, making breakfast and now I'm single again. It's like she was almost perfect: pretty, caring, nurturing, brains, mature and her sweet nature towards children.

[2sunny]

Creative outlets help so that the thoughts don't haunt us when we are sleeping.

 

Some things that may help:

Exercise

Writing

Drawing

Painting

Anything artistic - even sidewalk chalk you can wash off

Talk to a counselor if you need to get MORE emotions out of your head

 

Any expression of getting it out and onto something/somewhere else

 

Get exhausted during the day so you hardly have time to think and so hat you sleep hard enough not to remember what you're dreaming.

 

Find ways to be good to yourself.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Not worth confronting the OM. He did not have the courtesy to confront you before he banged your GF. OM is nothing more then a sneak with no values.

 

How did you catch your GF?

 

The way to handle the break up is to man up and tell that you caught her cheating. She will ask for proof. You tell her you do not have to prove the truth. She knows the truth first hand.

 

She will ask how did you find out. Never reveal your sources. It only will make it harder to catch her again. No need to make her wiser in that way.

 

I just started reading this thread so I'm not sure if this was resolved.

 

But this is awful advice. First, OP has no reason to tell her anything. She cheated on him and they are not married. I had a girlfriend of 2 years that I caught cheating on me. I simply never spoke to her again. We're technically still dating.

 

I mean seriously what could she have to say if he actually literally saw her cheating?

 

Second, don't say "man-up". That's shaming language which is never good (especially in this situation, where there is no reason to even suggest that he "man-up").

[samsungxoxo]

I mean seriously what could she have to say if he actually literally saw her cheating?

She can't say anything as that's the only way to really get busted. Though, I once read about a case where a woman was caught with the OM and she told that husband that he was trying to rape her or something and the husband got his gun and shot the OM to death. In the end, that woman not only got caught cheating but had to serve some prison time for that.

 

Now that is totally messed up; going that far crying rape when getting caught cheating. Here is the article:

http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/nation/2007-03-31-womanindicted_N.htm

Edited September 13, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Damn, this thread is awesome!

 

It really should be sticky-ed and retitled "A Guide to Handling a Situation with a Cheating Partner".

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

She can't say anything as that's the only way to really get busted. Though, I once read about a case where a woman was caught with the OM and she told that husband that he was trying to rape her or something and the husband got his gun and shot the OM to death. In the end, that woman not only got caught cheating but had to serve some prison time for that.

 

Now that is totally messed up; going that far crying rape when getting caught cheating. Here is the article:

Texas grand jury indicts woman after husband kills her lover - USATODAY.com

 

Wow what a nut!

 

Kudos to the jury for sending the wife to jail, not the husband. I'm not surprised that this happened in Texas. If it was California, he would be on death row already lol.

 

Sorry for derailing this awesome thread, OP!

[Sparta]

Alonenow Buddy the way you handled that I take my hat off to you and Bal to you... You are definitely my hero, You handled your situation of ultimate betrayal like no other. Just reading your story Had me so emotional. I almost could not believe what I was reading when you posted. You're definitely shining example of a man. And you'll probably (I would like to believe) be repaid tenfold. Hopefully by a woman who deserves you. Good luck buddy and God bless

[dreamingoftigers]

No, this is my first thread I've ever written. I heard music when I came home, that's the main reason they couldn't hear me. It was done it my bed, which I'm not sleeping there. I'm going to sleep on the couch.

 

I really feel stupid for doing nothing. But you have to understand I was really beyond hurt. Ever felt so paralyzed that your whole body goes numb and you don't know what to do at that moment? I wanted to close my eyes and count to 10, say it's a dream but it's not. As I was walking out, I really thought I would faint any moment but didn't.

 

I've had this at many high-stress moment in my life including the fallout from my husband's infidelities.

 

One moment was so awful that I collapsed to the floor and could not move for hours. Couldn't move an inch. Tears ran up my forehead because of the angle I fell and I couldn't do a thing about it.

 

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain. The recovery will take awhile.

[bcl5]

I feel like a total coward. Should I have beaten up the other guy she was cheating with? I still can't believe I did absolutely nothing.

You feel like a total coward because you're a beta male. That's why you didn't have the courage to do anything, and that's probably why she cheated on you in the first place. Women have a built in biological instinct to be impregnated by alpha males so the offspring will be strong and healthy.

 

Sad facts, but true nonetheless. Reality is harsh.

[road]

You feel like a total coward because you're a beta male. That's why you didn't have the courage to do anything, and that's probably why she cheated on you in the first place. Women have a built in biological instinct to be impregnated by alpha males so the offspring will be strong and healthy.

 

Sad facts, but true nonetheless. Reality is harsh.

 

 

It takes a strong man to control himself.

 

Your first post here and you attack someone for taking the best course of action.

 

Violence can lead to jail, hospital, law suits, and it will not get a wife or girl friend unF'd.

[painfullyobvious]

My exgirlfriends parents and family knew she was cheating on me and actually covered for her as she cheated. I give you credit for addressing them directly. That does not always happen because the cheater often rewrites or tells a far different story than what actually happened. Hope your ex learns from this and gets the help she needs.

[bcl5]

It takes a strong man to control himself.

 

Your first post here and you attack someone for taking the best course of action.

 

Violence can lead to jail, hospital, law suits, and it will not get a wife or girl friend unF'd.

I wasn't suggesting that he should have done something. There's a good chance that the OM is one of those wimps that would call the cops even though he was in the wrong instead of taking his lashing like a man.

 

What I was implying is that this is the very reason she cheated on him, because he's probably a doormat/beta. If he alphas up in the future this is probably less likely to happen.