Wife cheated but...?

[Deeplydisturbed]

I just found out 3 days ago that my wife cheated on me. I'm still in a state of shock but trying to find ways to cope with it. So I thought I'd share it with all you good people.

 

A few days back my wife washed my phone with my clothes. So I had to use an old phone which she used to use while I get my phone fixed. When I turned the phone on, it still had her old contacts/text messages, etc. 4 nights back I just happened to look through text messages and there was this text from a number which wasn't local. So I opened it up. Lo and behold! I find a bunch of texts from 3 years ago. The messages are full of "I'd love you to f... me hard" and "my pu$$y is aching for your C..". Its hard for me to type this without wanting to puke. When I found these texts, my hands were literally shivering. I could feel my heart racing like I had just run a marathon. It was late night so I woke her up and confronted her. She had nothing to say but accept it and apologize. And of course, cry.

 

Our marriage was never a good one. We've been married for almost 7 years and we've had our share of issues right from the beginning. I do also understand that I haven't treated her like I should have nor has she treated me right. 3 years ago I had to travel abroad for work which required me to live away for around 7-8 months. We had been having issues so we thought it would be a good break and we could still visit each other within a few months. It turned out that I had to live there for almost 18 months. That is a recipe for disaster for any marriage let alone a broken one.

 

So three years back when I left, my wife made friends with some new girls who were all single. We used to chat online/skype etc and my wife was really working out and getting fit. I never thought my wife would be the cheating kind so I never even imagined that there would be a threat. It turns out that she went out with her girlfriends and met some guy who was visiting our city for 3 days. She made out with him and exchanged numbers. They planned to meet up the next day but it didn't work out. But they were texting each other even after he left. During this time they decided to start skyping. And they had some sex chats during which my wife was stripping on the cam for him. After 2 months, he was supposed to come back. So my wife booked a room in a hotel. They met up and had sex. Now I'm not new to online dating and in my time I've had hookups with married women, so I know how the game works. The guy obviously had his fun, so he didn't really respond as much after the night. He also gave the usual b s, "If we do this more, I'm worried I will fall for you!" When I was reading that text, I was so furious that my wife would be so stupid and fall for this standard bailout line. Anyway, it seems like that was the one time it happened. But the worst part of it was I read each and every text message between them. I have haunting images of them performing all these acts which were described in graphic detail.

 

Now, the part where I'm at fault. So during this 1.5 years that I was away, we had three vacations. She comes to see me with our kid after 5/6 months and even though she is excited to see me, we have very little to no sex. In fact, all the sex was initiated by me. I confront her and even ask her if she had something to tell me. She says she is tired from the trip..yada yada. I had a feeling that something was wrong. So when I had about 2.5 months left to return, I suddenly got the urge to cheat. I had had no sex for over a year and even when I saw my wife I was begging for some intimacy. I'm not justifying my actions but that's what I thought would be fair to me. So I found someone and had an affair with the intention of leaving it once I have to return. The girl eventually contacted my wife when I returned and told her everything. I was apologizing and begging my wife to not leave me. She didn't but she gave me a lot of shi t then but never told me that she had cheated on me over a year before I cheated on her. Funnily enough, my fears were true even though she denied them.

 

I read a lot of posts here and elsewhere and have decided to handle this calmly. I do love my wife and I know she loves me too. I am also aware that she has had to deal with a lot of stress and I haven't been very kind to her situation. So I sat her down and told her that this could be a "new beginning" or "the beginning of the end". She can decide if she would like to work on rebuilding our relationship or end it right away. The last two days have been dramatically different. We've had issues communicating in the past and after my talk with her that she has to communicate (she hates talking) she has been very vocal and understanding of my issues. I want to base our relationship on friendship...something we never had. And I want us to fall in love all over again so my child can grow up looking at parents who were deeply in love than a couple of bickering psychopaths.

 

Am I making the right decision here? Will I be able to get over these images that are haunting me? When I touch her my heart races up because I imagine the other guy touching her. She is really embarrassed and can't stop crying when she sees me sad in silence. I have dated many women in my life but this is the first time I've been cheated on. I have never even been dumped by anybody so the feeling of rejection is astounding. But even though all this I am quite aware that I did the same, so how can I not give her a benefit of doubt? It was a long post. If you managed to read it all, please let me know what I should do.

[Ebelskiver]

Whew, what a mess. First things first, both of you go and get tested for STD's. Sit down and tell each other EVERYTHING, just get it all out in the open. And most important..make an appointment with a marriage counselor IMMEDIATELY!

 

You've been in an unhappy and unrewarding marriage for a long time, things were ripe for infidelity for both of you. You need to discuss with an impartial professional the reasons things have come to this. Individual counseling wouldn't hurt either. Someone for just you to discuss your issues with. I can't overstate the importance of this. If you want the marriage of your dreams this is the way to go about it.

 

You also both need full transparency with each other; phone access, e-mail, Facebook, etc, etc. Until trust is rebuilt you don't get to have a private life anymore. Get some books on infidelity and start reading, both of you.

 

I've done all of the things I've mentioned and am currently in a good place with my cheating partner. Our relationship is better than it's ever been before. It can happen but it takes honesty, painful honesty, and work.

 

Good luck.

[Deeplydisturbed]

I know its a messed up state of affairs in our M. We are okay with the STD's. No issue there. We will be going to a counsellor. As much as I'm hurt by this, I do see my fault in not just having an A but in the way I let my marriage slip to this point. And so does my W. As a result of this we have had the best conversation in the past few days which we haven't had for years where we've been able to share things openly without getting offended. The only problem I see is that IF we are both doing this unknowingly out of guilt. I know I'm not because I am in love with my W. She says she loves me too. Hopefully our MC can help us find a new direction. I appreciate your response.

[dichotomy]

. She didn't but she gave me a lot of shi t then but never told me that she had cheated on me over a year before I cheated on her.

 

Reminds me a bit like another thread we all just dealt with ...

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/404837-found-out-wife-cheated-7-years-ago

Edited September 8, 2013 by dichotomy

[bubbaganoosh]

Ok. You both cheated and you found out after you cheated that she cheated a year before. The way the game is played and I've seen this with my own eyes from my ex MIL and FIL. He caught her and had a $h!t fit and rambled on and on and they divorced and it wasn't her first trip to another mans bed BUT, after they divorce he remarries and one night it slips that he had been seeing his second wife for quite a few years while he was still married.

 

Boils down to this. It's not whose doing the cheating, it's who gets caught first and that's your case. If you get into a screaming match with her over this and she does the same to you, all both of you have to do is look in a mirror and see that neither one of you has any right to point a finger.

 

I'm glad to see that both of you are going to a MC and getting help. Maybe now after this fire storm that both of you have been in you can forgive each other and put your best effort in your marriage.

 

Remember. If you get a mental movie with her and the OM, bet your ass that she has her own movie playing in her head. The slate has to be wiped clean and your marriage has to start not from when you both said "I do" but now after both of you made a mess of your marriage. I truly hope that you and your wife can put this behind you and both of you can have a stable home for both your sake but for your children. Good Luck to both of you.

[Deeplydisturbed]

There's a minor twist to this boring saga. I haven't slept for a few days now but anyway, here it is. She told me that she had sex with him in Oct 2010 when I was away (which was obvious from the text messages). She says that he was pursuing her but she decided to stop this because she was guilty. I kinda believe it because she is not a seasoned liar.

 

But I had this uncanny feeling from the text messages which didn't seem like she wanted to end the long distance skype-sex chat affair. So last night, I looked up skype data on her laptop. I found a Jan 2011 chat with her girlfriend telling her that he called her two nights back. So I confronted her again. She said she didn't know what that was all about.

 

Anyway, I started going through all her emails and stuff. When I was away, she had sent me this mildly racy picture via email. I asked her if she had sent it to him too. She admitted it. I searched for the picture on email. It was from Sept 1, 2011 to me. So i looked for the picture on her laptop and found a time stamp for the same date. So, she was sending him pictures a good 1 year after she claims she ended it.

 

When I cheated on her and she was upset, I spent 4-5 months just begging and pleading. She isn't the arguing kind so she just gave me the silent treatment. Slowly we started putting the pieces back together but we were still struggling. NOW, that her **** has come out, I told her that I understand the situation and I am willing to rebuild with her. But we have to be very open with each other emotionally. I want her to tell me what she was going through and everything else honestly. I'm not sure how I can accept this if she can't even keep up with a little story of hers. She says she barely remembers because all of this was 3 years ago. However, she said to her girlfriend on chat that he wanted to be with her but only if she got out of her marriage. Now, I'm not sure how a woman would FORGET a detail like that. Now my eyes are popping out of my head because of lack of sleep. This is agony!

[bubbaganoosh]

There's a minor twist to this boring saga. I haven't slept for a few days now but anyway, here it is. She told me that she had sex with him in Oct 2010 when I was away (which was obvious from the text messages). She says that he was pursuing her but she decided to stop this because she was guilty. I kinda believe it because she is not a seasoned liar.

 

But I had this uncanny feeling from the text messages which didn't seem like she wanted to end the long distance skype-sex chat affair. So last night, I looked up skype data on her laptop. I found a Jan 2011 chat with her girlfriend telling her that he called her two nights back. So I confronted her again. She said she didn't know what that was all about.

 

Anyway, I started going through all her emails and stuff. When I was away, she had sent me this mildly racy picture via email. I asked her if she had sent it to him too. She admitted it. I searched for the picture on email. It was from Sept 1, 2011 to me. So i looked for the picture on her laptop and found a time stamp for the same date. So, she was sending him pictures a good 1 year after she claims she ended it.

 

When I cheated on her and she was upset, I spent 4-5 months just begging and pleading. She isn't the arguing kind so she just gave me the silent treatment. Slowly we started putting the pieces back together but we were still struggling. NOW, that her **** has come out, I told her that I understand the situation and I am willing to rebuild with her. But we have to be very open with each other emotionally. I want her to tell me what she was going through and everything else honestly. I'm not sure how I can accept this if she can't even keep up with a little story of hers. She says she barely remembers because all of this was 3 years ago. However, she said to her girlfriend on chat that he wanted to be with her but only if she got out of her marriage. Now, I'm not sure how a woman would FORGET a detail like that. Now my eyes are popping out of my head because of lack of sleep. This is agony!

 

The tell her you want her to take a polygraph because there are things that haven't been answered. She might want you to take one too but if she says no then you know she's hiding something. Same thing for you. Remember your hands are dirty too.

[Mr. Lucky]

Now my eyes are popping out of my head because of lack of sleep. This is agony!

As someone who did the exact same thing - and did it first - it's hard to understand your outrage.

 

What do you think you're experiencing that your wife didn't think, feel and experience when your affair came to light?

 

And this wasn't infidelity you admitted to, your AP outed you.

 

Even the title of your thread indicates a double standard....

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

You two have a long road ahead of you.

 

Believe me - she remembers every little detail.

 

It's hard to believe someone when they aren't honest. You have nothing to work with when she isn't OFFERING her truth.

[BeholdtheMan]

She didn't but she gave me a lot of shi t then but never told me that she had cheated on me over a year before I cheated on her. Funnily enough, my fears were true even though she denied them.

She doesn't even have the courage to tell you about her infidelity after yours has been exposed. Instead she drags you through **** while keeping her earlier infidelity a secret.

 

What you did was wrong, but what she did arguably worse. She cheats, denies you intimacy, you cheat and get exposed, she keeps her secret and rakes you over the coals.

 

What's the point of maintaining this marriage?

 

Am I making the right decision here?

In my opinion, no

 

Will I be able to get over these images that are haunting me?

No, you'll never be able to fully get over these images

 

You might be able to partially supress them to a tolerable degree but that's about it

 

When I touch her my heart races up because I imagine the other guy touching her. She is really embarrassed and can't stop crying when she sees me sad in silence.

Thing is...she knows about your infidelity too. She probably has images of you licking your affair's partners pu**y.

 

Why do you want to cling to this marriage. There's been double cheating and a destruction of mutual trust. Do you just want to stay together for financial reasons? It's a myth that divorced parents can't be good parents.

[BeholdtheMan]

What do you think you're experiencing that your wife didn't think, feel and experience when your affair came to light?

Well, the wife had knowledge of her own earlier infidelity when OP's infidelity was exposed...she then proceeded to rake him over the coals while keeping quiet about her own affair

 

I don't see what's hard to understand about OP's anger. His wife cheated first and she kept quiet about it while shaming OP for his affair

[Deeplydisturbed]

As someone who did the exact same thing - and did it first - it's hard to understand your outrage.

 

What do you think you're experiencing that your wife didn't think, feel and experience when your affair came to light?

 

And this wasn't infidelity you admitted to, your AP outed you.

 

Even the title of your thread indicates a double standard....

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Actually, technically she cheated first. She just didn't get caught. I'm trying my level best to give her a benefit of doubt. I even fault myself for not taking charge of my marriage and making her happy.

 

I have no delusions that I am sinless. The fact is when I decided to cheat she had already had a year headstart. She didn't need to tell me. All she had to do was be fair and give me a fair chance considering that she erred first. I'm not kidding you, I was crying/pleading and she told me to STOP HOUNDING her.

[Deeplydisturbed]

Believe me - she remembers every little detail.

 

She remembers stuff from 7 years ago. I found out from her chat with her gf that she felt guilty about the affair but kept justifying it because she thought I cheated on her long time back. I never did. But somehow she doesn't remember some basic details. I'm not sure what to think about it.

[Deeplydisturbed]

What you did was wrong, but what she did arguably worse. She cheats, denies you intimacy, you cheat and get exposed, she keeps her secret and rakes you over the coals.

 

What's the point of maintaining this marriage?

 

Thing is...she knows about your infidelity too. She probably has images of you licking your affair's partners pu**y.

 

Why do you want to cling to this marriage...Do you just want to stay together for financial reasons? It's a myth that divorced parents can't be good parents.

 

I never thought about it this way but the way you put it makes sense. When she came to visit me, I set up a fancy dinner, arranged for a baby sitter so we can have a romantic night out. At the end of the night, she was too tired!!! She's seeing her husband after 6 months she was too tired. I knew it right then. When I asked her if she had some secret, she said NO!

 

I did speak to her very openly about my infidelity. Honestly, I was just tired of being lonely. It might sound weird but it wasn't the sex that I was really after. Just being ignored was killing me. After my affair, I realized how difficult it is to keep single women happy. It reminded me how I was with my wife when we were dating. So I had decided to bring back our old days. But it never really worked out because my wife didn't give me a chance. Its impossible to talk to her with all her unchangeable opinions.

 

I agree its a difficult road ahead. I do love her. I think she loves me too. I have this hopeless feeling that we might be able to pull this together. All I'm asking her right now is, "Don't tell me you don't remember. Just be honest!" If I leave her she is screwed. We live abroad in a middle eastern country. I own a business and its all in my name. They take infidelity very seriously here. I did my stuff outside this country so its outside their jurisdiction. She did it right here. And I have all the proof on my phone.

 

The rule here is, the woman gets the child unless she decides to get married. So basically, I get my kid back as soon as she finds someone. So she can't find someone else. The kid can't leave the country without my permission. Also, there are chances that if I prove her infidelity she will go to jail.

 

I would never do any of this to her but she will be ROYALLY screwed! I could possible walk away with money, home, kid and a new life. When I was really mad at the beginning I thought about all these options. But I will never do it.

[BeholdtheMan]

I would never do any of this to her but she will be ROYALLY screwed!

If you're not inclined to screw her over, I don't see how she would necessarily be "royally screwed" if the two of you divorced. She'd only be screwed if you wanted to screw her. Are you saying there's no possibility of an amicable divorce because of the country you're in?

 

Isn't there anyway to divorce without subjecting her to harsh Middle Eastern laws? Couldn't you divorce her in another country, divorce her in a Middle Eastern court (but leave out the infidelity of both parties)? Do Middle Eastern courts only allow divorce if there's infidelity?

[bobwhite007]

She remembers stuff from 7 years ago. I found out from her chat with her gf that she felt guilty about the affair but kept justifying it because she thought I cheated on her long time back. I never did. But somehow she doesn't remember some basic details. I'm not sure what to think about it.

 

Mine couldn't remember a phone call she had two days earlier. I say its bs. She remembers, yours and mine,they just forget when they can't think of what to say.

[road]

She remembers stuff from 7 years ago. I found out from her chat with her gf that she felt guilty about the affair but kept justifying it because she thought I cheated on her long time back. I never did. But somehow she doesn't remember some basic details. I'm not sure what to think about it.

 

She honestly does not remember some details. Not everyone has a perfect memory.

 

Though you can not be honestly sure that when a WW says "I do not remember" that she is telling the truth or "forgetting" because she is doing damage control.

[Steadfast]

So many times we confuse the FACTS with what we want to believe. Your wife is a proven liar, yet you consider her basically an honest person, This means she is a seasoned liar with much practice. You're completely fooled.

 

You failed to mention the issues that made your marriage 'broken' from the start. Common sense says cheating with another is a natural reaction to not being happy and/or a lack of love. One brings the other.

 

You love your wife and she loves you? If this is true, how would you act if you didn't? Guns? Pipe bombs? I wonder if either of you know what love is.

 

I'd cut out the drama, the crying, the anger and the wondering in favor of booking a day or two away to mutually decide. Approach this trip the same way as you'd visit a troubled client; take stock of what's good in the relationship, what's not, and see which column is longer. You don't need a councilor to do this...in fact, they'd only get in the way. You didn't need help to meet, fall in love, get married and have children did you?

 

Just you and her. Hash it out.

 

One important fact: Trust is the foundation that all good things in marriage must rely upon. No trust? No happiness, no mutual or individual success, no security and no hope for the future together. Determine if it's possible.

[Deeplydisturbed]

Isn't there anyway to divorce without subjecting her to harsh Middle Eastern laws?

 

Well, you could have an amicable settlement while you just process the divorce in the court to take care of technicality. So, let's say she decides to get married, unless I make a big deal about it, she could still have custody of the child. If I don't inform the court of her infidelity we can just divorce like western countries. Maybe I worded it wrongly before. I should have said, "She could get royally screwed if I had the desire to do so."

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deeplydisturbed,

 

I just wanted some clarification on your situation. Are you a Westerner living in a Middle Eastern country and is your wife also a Westerner or are you a native of that country as is your wife? I ask this because your wife's behaviour particularly, and yours also, is so much more likely to occur in a Western setting rather than in a strict Islamic nation where you have Shariah laws prevailing. Depending on how you answer, if I may ask without being intrusive, what religion do you and your wife profess? I would think that in a Middle Eastern nation, as a member of the majority religion, infidelity would be treated rather harshly. As always in such places, a woman is likely to be treated much more harshly than a man. As the Bible has made mention, a woman committing adultery would be liable to be stoned to death. This was in the Israel of old and this custom carried forward to nations which practice Islam. The men got off much more lightly.

 

While these practices may not be carried out these days, women are still likely to get the harsh end of the stick. Having mentioned all this, I would like to say that both of you are guilty of the same wrong doing and therefore neither of you can claim a moral advantage over the other. I know that your wife hauling you over the coals was very unfair but then your own hands were dirty and so you are NOT in a position to question her actions even though she was guilty of her misdemeanor much before you. Yes, if you had maintained the moral high ground and remained celibate during your stay abroad, you could have dictated things to her and felt hurt, insulted, betrayed et al. I have spelled out all this so as to get the context correct. If I am not completely off course, then I would say that you can make one of two choices. The first is that the two of you go for an amicable divorce without any mud raking and go your separate ways. The other is that the two of you reconcile, again amicably, shedding any bitterness and animosity towards each other, accepting that both of you are flawed, and then work on your individual issues, so that in future you can lead a harmonious and happy and contented life together. Of course this is a tall order but then if you think it is beyond you, you have option one in front of you.

 

Think this over carefully and take your time to decide what you want to do. However once you have decided, then stick with your plan through thick and thin and do not deviate from it. I wish both of you the very best in your endeavours which ever path you choose. Cheers!

Edited September 10, 2013 by Just a Guy

[turnera]

Can you get hold of the book His Needs Her Needs? If the two of you sat down and read it together, I think you would have a fair chance of surviving. It explains a LOT.

[Deeplydisturbed]

Hi Deeplydisturbed,

 

I just wanted some clarification on your situation. Are you a Westerner living in a Middle Eastern country and is your wife also a Westerner or are you a native of that country as is your wife?

 

We are both americans living in the middle east as expats. I appreciate your response. I am not seeking a divorce. In fact, this experience has opened my eyes to reality. I have very little anger towards her partially because I see myself guilty of the same act. I also see how I let thing deteriorate to the point that the woman who was madly in love with me would contemplate cheating on me and actually act on it. A lot of people out here have said (based on their experiences) that she is lying. Maybe she is. Maybe she isn't. But I do think everybody deserves a second chance. So I'm going to give my life a second chance. IF I realize that this was all a farce, then at least I can look back and tell myself that I tried without bailing on my wife immediately.

[Deeplydisturbed]

I appreciate all the responses I've received to my cry for help. When I wrote the original post, I was feeling absolutely dejected and lonely. I am feeling a lot better now although I still have sharp aches in my chest when i think about things. I am also not one to share my issues with people. I've yet to talk about this to anybody so apart from all you good people, nobody knows my pain.

 

When I first found out about my wife's affair, I was very very angry. I spent the entire day yelling at her asking her how she could do this? I forwarded her all those raunchy text messages and asked her if I even knew who she was. But that was the only day that I was mad at her. I soon realized that I was to blame equally for this situation. The more I thought about all the years that lead to this, the more I saw myself torturing her through my insensitive actions. I sat her down and we talked. And talked. And talked. She was absolutely devastated, not just because she was embarrassed by these revelations but because she was seeing me in so much pain. She has been very patient and supportive throughout this last week.

 

Now, I am going through a phase where I have mild relapses when I get overwhelmed with my thoughts. I am learning to control my emotions. I don't think I'm ready to go to a counsellor, yet. I feel like I need to realize a few facts of life before I work on rebuilding what is broken. All in all, this experience has left me shattered but it has made me look at my wife's requirements better than before. My wife also says that she sees my viewpoint where earlier, she was just oblivious to my feelings. I'm not sure what's in store for us in the future. I have always imagined us as a couple who after years of turbulence would eventually find the secret to being happy. I'm not sure if this is wishful thinking or my will to stop myself from destroying the love of my life. Either way, what do I have to lose anymore. If I lose this after trying, at least I can be satisfied that I tried.

[Coolit]

You two have a long road ahead of you.

 

Believe me - she remembers every little detail.

 

 

Actually, i will argue this. While i remember the big things (actual physical contact) the talking and emotions are growing hazy. And my A was all this year. I told H everything and it was pretty fresh but there were a lot of conversations that I forgot about and came back later. And the timeline is hazy now. I think my mind is purposefully trying to forget the whole thing as a way to cope.