Nearly slept with my friends boyfriend

[remorse]

So I was at a party, and my friend wasn't there and her boyfriend was, we were both extremely drunk, and we hooked up- a friend caught us hooking up, and I know, had we not been caught, we would have undoubtedly had sex.

 

I'm not using alcohol as an excuse- what I did was stupid, slutty, and everything-opposite of a friend.

 

Of course, we are going to tell her what happend. They have been together for at least two years,and he is going to tell her first [the biggest issue right now is their relationship].

 

I've written a letter to my friend apologising for my disgustingly pathetic behaviour, and explaining that it will never happen again. Her room mates are going to give her the letter after her boyfriend tells her what happend.

 

I'm not sure what else to do, any suggestions?

 

I'm already well aware that I've been a sl*tty-whore-home-wrecker, rubbish friend, but I just want to make things as right as possible- I'm well aware that there is a huge chance that she may rightly-so never want to talk to me again [and I wouldn't blame her- I don't think I would be able to forgive her if she did something like this to me]/

 

I've never had feelings for said boy, and still don't. I wrote her the apology letter- because even if she never wants to sit in the same room as me, I still owe her an apology- because the poor girl is one of the nicest people I know.

 

I'm so ashamed I've hurt her.

 

I've bought her a cruise voucher as well, in no way do I think that I can 'buy' her friendship back- but apart from placing a HUGE stress on our friendship, my actions will have also placed a huge stress on her relationship- and I thought it would be a step toward making amends, to provide her with an opportunity to work things out with her boyfriend [if she wants to work things out with him- that's her choice and I don't think I have any right to tell her what to do, or suggest anything]

 

(of course, if she doesn't want to go on the cruise- thats up to her!)

 

I just want to do all I can to make up for my stupid mistake.

[Grumpybutfun]

Is there a reason you didn't apologize to her in person?

Grumps

[remorse]

She's overseas at the moment, she just left the other day and will be back in 3 weeks.

 

Her boyfriend is going to tell her as soon as she gets back [so she doesn't spend the next three weeks in tears]

 

I'm worried she won't want to see me in person after she finds out what I did- but in the letter, I have said that if she wants to yell/get upset with me/talk to me about what happend, to give me a call, and I will be there ASAP- I think she has a right to be upset with me in person, and I don't want to use the letter as an escape route

[Grumpybutfun]

remorse:

Honestly it is her move. If she wants to see you after she is informed, the best thing to do is be as honest and remorseful as you can be and apologize profusely. You are right that the ball is in her court.

Then, my next step would be to figure out why you did what you did. Sometimes immaturity can be the reason, but it really sounds as though you understand the consequences of doing such a thing so I don't think it is purely immaturity.

Are you going through something else at the moment? Do you feel jealous of this friend in another area like sports, a job, etc.? Did you feel lonely and need someone to validate you and your friend's bf was there?

Unfortunately, the real consequence, aside from losing a lovely friend, is that a few others will now see you as someone who has compromised her morals and integrity. It is a sad shame.

I was in the Navy for years and had my share of alcohol, but I never let it control me or my actions because I am the one who has to live with those. Perhaps alcohol is not to blame but it does lower your inhibitions and it sounds like you allowed yourself to do something you normally would not have done.

Character is something that is molded by your actions, the good ones and the bad ones.

Good Luck,

Grumps

[SubliminalSessions]

I tried to edit, I was being facetious. But, what I was saying is although your apology sounds sincere, it's not 100% your fault either. The boyfriend needs to accept some of that as well.

 

Having been in the place of seeing a friend 'doing stuff' with a guy I simply just met that night...I could never see myself forgiving a friend who crossed that line. Even after he apologized and the smoke cleared, I was not able to trust him around anyone I met. In the future, he did it again...kissed a guy who was CLEARLY into me who I'd just met that night. and TOLD me about it. We hung out maybe 2 times after that...but eventually I just stopped accepting invitations from him.

[happy stillmore]

Well, you certainly are accepting the responsibility for your actions. From what you said, it sounds like you did other things in your past that makes you think you are a "slutty, whore home-wrecker". If so, you need to change this pattern asap. As if I need to tell you that. You know you are a good person. The fact that you feel apologetic is a sign you do have values. Beg for forgiveness and change your ways. You are human. Learn from this mistake. Life is all about consequences, not just a good time in the present.

[whichwayisup]

I've bought her a cruise voucher as well, in no way do I think that I can 'buy' her friendship back- but apart from placing a HUGE stress on our friendship, my actions will have also placed a huge stress on her relationship- and I thought it would be a step toward making amends, to provide her with an opportunity to work things out with her boyfriend [if she wants to work things out with him- that's her choice and I don't think I have any right to tell her what to do, or suggest anything]

This is highly manipulative of you to give to her. If I was in her shoes, I would refuse that gesture and think 'she wants me out of the picture so she can move in on my guy again, or something along those lines. She will not believe you buying that ticket is from the heart and fully sincere.

 

Why just the letter? Why give it to someone else to give to her? You need to own up to it face to face and talk to her. Giving her a letter to try to make her understand and to apologize isn't enough.

 

I understand you feel awful and regret what happened but she will not see how awful you feel or get why this happened for a long while.

[Speakingofwhich]

Good for you and your friend's bf, taking responsibility for your behavior! What do you think about drinking to the extent you don't have good judgement now? I know a young man who drank too much, got in an accident because of it and is now brain injured. No second chances for him! So glad you have a second chance!

[Artie Lang]

what's so worrisome is had this person NOT caught you "hooking up," would you have been this honest?

 

it sounds like you and this "boy" have loose boundaries and suffer from impulse control problems. lines have been crossed and this relationship(between all of you) will forever change..... and rightfully so.

 

your friend has no reason to trust either of you anymore. if anything, she needs to protect herself. i really don't see the friendship continuing after this incident.

 

 

furthermore, including this cruise in your apology is a wee bit inappropriate. it looks like you're buying your way back into her good graces- quite insulting.

[remorse]

The cruise is booked for her and a +1 -- I've always been supportive of their relationship, and I want to slowly makes things right

 

I think the worst is knowing what I've done and not being able to tell her until she gets back! The poor girl!

 

If the cruise looks tacky, maybe I won't attach it- I'm just not sure what else to do. I've done such a horrible thing- how do I make things right.

[Artie Lang]

well..... it's a good thing that you're being honest. that's a start.

 

i see what you mean about holding off on telling her. still a gamble, though. don't think there's ever a "good/right time" to be informed of this. you should make sure to tell her as soon a she arrives, no matter what her BF tells you otherwise. don't be a party to his lies, if he should change his mind about informing her.

 

you gotta be careful right now. you should definitely stay away form this guy for the time being. at least until this is resolved. go NC with him.

 

 

the cruise does seem a bit tacky. it just reeks of insincerity given the timing: like an ill-timed joke. maybe you can give it to her later, if you two are still friends.

Edited September 8, 2013 by Artie Lang

[keepontruckin]

The only thing that you can do, is to not do it again.

 

Either control your drink, or control your actions while drinking.

 

You've apologized, so there is nothing more that you can do.

 

And your friends relationship is theirs to deal with. You were only 50% at fault. He was 50% at fault also, because he should have known better.

 

Give them space, and let them work it out on their own. It's not your business anymore...

[Trimmer]

I appreciate that you seem to fully own your behavior, and your apology sounds like a real one (like "I was wrong and I'm sorry that I hurt you." None of this "I'm sorry if you were offended" crap.)

 

I think I would hold off on the voucher. I'm sure your motives are true, but it puts her in an awkward position. If she is willing to make peace, then she can't easily turn it down, as it's a peace offering. On the other hand, if she takes it, then there's this implicit obligation she has - even if you don't mean it, there's a feeling of quid pro quo: by taking your gift, she is subtly indebted to you - to offer a bit of forgiveness or some kind of emotional consideration, and she may not be ready to be so generous right now.

 

Again, I know you don't mean it that way, but it just creates this extra emotional step that she has to navigate, and every outcome has at least a little bit of a negative associated.

 

I'm open to hearing comments from others on this issue...

[bentleychic]

Stop drinking since you cannot control your boundaries when you drink.

 

That is my best advice.

[remorse]

Thanks Grumpy- I'll have to have a further think about it- although the worst thing is, my beautiful friend didn't even cross my mind during all of this

 

I'm not jealous of her achievements in life- but genuinely proud of her.

 

I like the quote about character- I guess I just want to make some more right ones now to make up for my huge disgusting mistake.

 

SubliminalSessions- Is there anything your friend could have done to make the situation better (than of course not doing it again)?

 

I've never done anything like this to a friend/any taken woman, and I have no intention of heavily drinking around her or her partner again, but I'm really stuck as to what to do now.

 

I've talked to my friends about this- and they all know that it is well outside of my character to do this, some think its best to just wait until it washes over with time, but I've hurt a lovely lady quite badly, and I don't want to just wait around and hope that everything is better- of course if that is what she wants, I'll back off completely, but even though her boyfriend is involved, I can't just let him cop it all- he messed up, but that doesn't take away the fact that I did too.

 

This is a copy of the letter I've written [Grumpy- I might get rid of the voucher part]

I've changed the names of course. I also haven't included explicit details about what happened- because I think that is something which should be done in person, and making her re-live everything her boyfriend has just told her, would be so nasty.

 

I know for a fact, that he is going to tell her everything that happened- despite his lapse in judgement here- he has always been a very honest and upfront person.

 

------

 

7/9/13

Dear Sarah,

 

I am so sorry.

 

I know I have betrayed you, placed all sorts of trust issues on your plate and more or less been a disrespectful, inconsiderate, stupid-home-wrecking-slut.

I don’t think ‘I was drunk’ suffices as justification in this case- and I am truly remorseful. There is no excuse for my behaviour.

 

I’ve never viewed Jake as more than a friend, or seen him ‘in that light’, and I promise you I will never do anything like that ever again.

 

If I could take it all back, I would in a second.

 

You are one of the most beautiful, kind hearted and interesting women I know- and you are a first and foremost a sister to me. I can only imagine the world of hurt you are in right now because of me. My actions were disgusting, lowly and down-right pathetic. And rightly-so, I feel like scum.

 

I don’t want to lose you as a friend, and as warm and kind hearted as I think you are, I know how much I messed up, and I feel so ashamed to even ask for forgiveness for betrayal on such a huge scale.

 

If our places were swapped- I don’t think I could forgive you, or ever look you in the eyes again.

 

You didn’t deserve this.

 

Sarah, I would love to make this up to you, but I honestly don’t even know where to start. I wasn’t sure if you would want to face me or have anything to do with me after this [which would be completely understandable], but I at least owed you an apology.

 

If you want to talk about it/yell at me/ break down at me- do call/text and I will be over there ASAP. I messed up big time- and you deserve the opportunity to get upset with me in person.

 

Apart from hurting you through my disgusting actions, I know this has undoubtedly placed a whole heap of stress onto your relationship with Jake. For what its’ worth, I know he feels horrible about what happened too. He knows the one thing you never questioned was his loyalty. And even if you and I never end up working things out- I hope that the two of you do- because despite what happened, I know he does truly love you.

 

I’ve attached a voucher for a cruise- I figured you could both talk it out, or at least spend some time getting your relationship back on track [if that’s what you want], or worst case scenario; you can have some time with Liz/Avi venting it out on a ship.

 

I’m not expecting to ‘buy’ our friendship back, but this is my attempt at a start, to making amends.

 

I am once again truly sorry Sarah- I know words can’t take back what I did, but there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to make it up to you.

 

I’m also sorry I didn’t tell you about this earlier, I think this news had to come from Jake first, and he wanted you to enjoy your holiday before you had to deal with our inconsiderate stupidity and blatant disrespect.

 

Love,

 

----

[aliveagain]

I would expect that this friendship is over, be prepared for the worst. You will probably lose some of your other friends, they now know you can't be trusted around their boyfriends. Unfortunately telling her it will never happen again will mean sh*t to her, your actions say it all. You need to find out why(regardless of alcohol) you allowed yourself to do what you did with her boyfriend specially as you stated," I've never had feelings for said boy." What does that say about you?

 

You need to control how you deal with boundaries, do you have established boundaries? You need to do serious work on this issue regardless of how things turn out because you just changed how people perceive you(and not in a good way). This problem with boundaries will affect future relationships unless you get professional help now. Use the money for the voucher to pay for counseling because it will only be seen as an attempt to buy her friendship anyway. This would go a long way to show your friends that your getting help for yourself, an action and not just words in a letter.

[Trimmer]

I've inserted a couple of thoughts in bold - take 'em or leave 'em...

Dear Sarah,

 

I am so sorry.

 

I know I have betrayed you, placed all sorts of trust issues on your plate and more or less been a disrespectful, inconsiderate, stupid-home-wrecking-slut. Leave out "more or less" - no need to equivocate; own it fully. Also, I'd leave out the stupid-home-wrecking-slut. It's subtle, but it comes off as kind of gratuitous self-flagellation instead of sincerity.

 

I don’t think ‘I was drunk’ suffices as justification in this case- and I am truly remorseful. There is no excuse for my behaviour. Leave out "I don't think" - again, no need to equivocate. "I was drunk" doesnt suffice as justification...

 

I’ve never viewed Jake as more than a friend, or seen him ‘in that light’, and I promise you I will never do anything like that ever again.

 

If I could take it all back, I would in a second.

 

You are one of the most beautiful, kind hearted and interesting women I know- and you are a first and foremost a sister to me. I can only imagine the world of hurt you are in right now because of me. My actions were disgusting, lowly and down-right pathetic. And rightly-so, I feel like scum.

 

I don’t want to lose you as a friend, and as warm and kind hearted as I think you are, I know how much I messed up, and I feel so ashamed to even ask for forgiveness for betrayal on such a huge scale.

 

If our places were swapped- I don’t think I could forgive you, or ever look you in the eyes again. I'm not convinced it's useful to include this line. I know you are trying to empathize, but it just comes off odd. No need to make this so much about you, and no need to sell her on not forgiving you - I suspect that will already be her impulse.

 

You didn’t deserve this.

 

Sarah, I would love to make this up to you, but I honestly don’t even know where to start. I wasn’t sure if you would want to face me or have anything to do with me after this [which would be completely understandable], but I at least owed you an apology. Suggest you speak in the present tense here: I at least owe you an apology. You don't get to sweep it all into the past quite so quickly.

 

If you want to talk about it/yell at me/ break down at me- do call/text and I will be over there ASAP. I messed up big time- and you deserve the opportunity to get upset with me in person.

 

Apart from hurting you through my disgusting actions, I know this has undoubtedly placed a whole heap of stress onto your relationship with Jake. For what its’ worth, I know he feels horrible about what happened too. He knows the one thing you never questioned was his loyalty. And even if you and I never end up working things out- I hope that the two of you do- because despite what happened, I know he does truly love you.

I think you want to be very, very careful here, telling her how Jake feels and what Jake knows and Jake this and Jake that. This will only reinforce that you have had an inappropriate connection with him, and only draws attention to the very thing that is hurting her. I wouldn't go past the first sentence. As to the rest of it, her reaction is likely to be "Don't dare tell me what Jake thinks or feels, or how much he loves me - I don't want to hear that from you!"

 

I’ve attached a voucher for a cruise- I figured you could both talk it out, or at least spend some time getting your relationship back on track [if that’s what you want], or worst case scenario; you can have some time with Liz/Avi venting it out on a ship.

 

I’m not expecting to ‘buy’ our friendship back, but this is my attempt at a start, to making amends.

Again, my previous comments apply - the cruise idea is interesting and unique, but I'm not convinced this is a good move. My other thought about this is that if the do go on it, it kinda becomes "your" cruise that she is on, and your subtle presence remains implicit in her life, which she may just need to be free of for now.

 

I am once again truly sorry Sarah- I know words can’t take back what I did, but there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to make it up to you.

 

I’m also sorry I didn’t tell you about this earlier, I think this news had to come from Jake first, and he wanted you to enjoy your holiday before you had to deal with our inconsiderate stupidity and blatant disrespect.

Yikes, once again, don't talk about "our" anything because it just draws attention to "you and Jake" as a joined pair. And even the line about you thinking it had to come from Jake first is problematic, as if you are deciding what's best for her without her having any input. I know this is all subtle, but it's a real minefield you've stepped into here...

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Please read Trimmers comments. I had the exact same reaction to reading your statements about Jake.

 

It sure sounds like the two of you have continued to discuss her and their relationship many times after being "caught"

 

What you can do is write down the exact series of events, in as much detail as possible and any and all follow up conversations and with whom, in case she wants it. While its fresh.

[remorse]

Thanks trimmer and it-is-what-it-is

 

Those are very helpful comments and I'll make the changes now. I'm going to go drop the letter by her house today, and once I find out that her boyfriends already told her, I'll text her and so that if she wants we can talk about it

 

Honestly- from the bottom of my heart thankyou so much

[ja123]

Oops I posted in the wrong thread ...

 

Edited

[Space Ritual]

You are one of the most beautiful, kind hearted and interesting women I know- and you are a first and foremost a sister to me.

 

I don’t want to lose you as a friend, and as warm and kind hearted as I think you are, I know how much I messed up, and I feel so ashamed to even ask for forgiveness for betrayal on such a huge scale.

 

How insulting of you to even say such a thing, in a letter, no less.

 

You are about to blow this woman's world up...the last thing she will want to hear is how you find her so beautiful, kindhearted and interesting, as well as a moronic attempt to ask for forgiveness.

 

That is simply guilt tripping an injured party into forgiving you. If I got that kind of letter from a "friend" after such an incident their nose would be smelling their ear after I removed it from their face the instant I saw them!

 

You need to dial his crap right the hell down. and you and lover boy need to tell her BEFORE she gets home. You lost any right to keep any information that is life impacting from somebody you consider a friend the second you decided to mess around with their boyfriend.

 

3 weeks gives you way too much time to either get your stories straight or else you really don't give a **** about it. The Cruise voucher simply is a moronic idea of mass proportions. You need to grow the hell up, tell her BEFORE she gets home...because you can be sure her boyfriend will be more than happy to let it go and see how the winds blow. Many people in a position like that would want to take as much time as possible to control the narrative and I would bet my bottom dollar that your friend's man is working on how the hell he can minimize this as much as possible. Think of it like a Syrian Chemical Weapons cache: You and him have 3 weeks to disperse your weapons around the countryside in hopes that when the attack comes it will do as minimal damage as possible.

It gives you 3 weeks to change your mind...which is way too much time.

 

Tell her ASAP and give her the facts and only the facts. Leave it up to her to decide how she wants to handle it when she gets home...that ship sailed at the party,

 

Remorse? You have regret, not remorse. There is a vast difference between the 2.

[The Way I Am]

once I find out that her boyfriends already told her, I'll text her and so that if she wants we can talk about it

 

Noooooo. Do not text her as soon as you know her boyfriend has told her. If you do that, the first question she'll have is how you knew she'd just been told. Then she'll wonder whether you and her bf are collaborating behind her back -- or worse you, her bf, and her roommates. If she wants to talk to you, she'll let you know.

 

I do think there's a good chance she's going to be pissed that her roommates knew about this before she did and you have this thing orchestrated with them to give her the letter after her bf breaks the news.

Edited September 11, 2013 by The Way I Am

[yankees51988]

First off, you truly do sound sorry and I am glad you are taking responsibility for your actions instead of the usual "I was drunk it was a mistake" excuse. On the other hand, I would absolutely not forgive you if I was the friend, nor would I forgive the significant other. Cheating is one thing, but when it is with someone's good friend or relative it is probably the absolute WORST thing you can you can do to a significant other. I would not do the cruise thing, as her going on that cruise she would probably be reminded of you screwing around with her bf the whole time since you bought it - I would probably rip the ticket up right in front of you and tell you to stay the f out of my life, lol. But yeah, good to see you take the initiative, it is really the most you can do and just hope it heals with time and she will want to be friends again eventually.

[Dusk1983]

You're going to lose your friend, any relationship with this guy, a bunch of other friends, and your self-respect. Other than that, I'm sure it'll all work out fine.