Just want an opinion

[Sunshine]

Okay,I have been hanging out with a guy friend of mine for about 6 months. We work together so we have know each other for a couple of years, but only about 6 months ago did we really start talking and hanging out. Well he had broken up with his girl friend about 2 months prior to going on a date. We finally end up going on a date and hit off, so it seemed. We have always gotten a long really good. He is like one of my best friends now. When we first starting hanging out we were both not to sure about things because it just felt too good and I wasn't to sure if I even wanted to get envolved with someone from work, just because that can sometimes cause problems. So we continue and everything is going really good. I really like this guy, but about 2 or 3 months later he decides that he would like to date other people, because he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship right now, okay that's fine, but then he ends up sleeping with someone else and tells me that it happened and has gone on a couple of dates, but still wants to hang out and yes have sex...I also have gone on dates, but I haven't slep with anyone else. We hang out all the time he stays the night maybe 3 to 4 times a week and otherwise well go do something and he'll just go home. So about 1 month ago he ends up sleeping with the same girl again, note this girl lives about 2hrs away. He meet her through a friend at college. Anyways when he came home from the ski trip, he again tells me that this happened. But this time he said that he felt really really bad. Well by this point since I know that I'm not committed and he really can do what ever he want's, so I kind of just brushed it off. I asked him why he felt bad, because he can do whatever. Well he couldn't answer the question. So again he comes back. I'm trying to figure out what to do. Should I give him the time he needs?

 

Everyone of his friends have ended up in relationships with in about a year or so after going through this type of dating or whatever its called. He doesn't consider us dating. He considers me a really good friend that he occasionaly sleeps with ("friends with benifits") so they call it. But at the same time anyone who's around us thinks we are going out, because the way we act together, we get a long really good. He pays for stuff and so do I and sometime we go dutch. I feel that he really does like me, but he's just not ready right now. Yes anyone else would have kick him to the curb I'm sure, but its really hard. I'm trying to give him time, but has it been enough time. I have backed off with the sex, because after he slep with the same girl again I wasn't to sure. I told him that he has three srikes and your out, he has one more. This is long so please excuse any miss spelling. There is more but if you have questions just ask and I'll tell you. Just would like an opinion please. Sunshine

[Laurynn]

I don't mean to come across as judgmental, but don't you feel pretty USED?.....he's not ready to make any sort of commitment to you, he tells you about the other women he sleeps with, then comes back and sleeps with you? Come on girl, have some self respect! :-) Can you really feel good about yourself, when you're sleeping with someone who's sleeping with others? As far as I'm concerned, you're either really good friends (no sex) or you're in a relationship (have sex, if you mutually choose to).....

 

Sounds like this guy has the best of all worlds. Free to date whoever he chooses, sleeps with whoever he chooses, and has a best friend in you.

 

I sure hope you're using protection when you sleep with him.....though in all honesty, condoms are NOT 100% effective against things like Herpes. As well, condoms do break. HIV/AIDS and Hepatitis C aren't on the downslide, not at all. I really hope you're being careful.

 

What do you really want here?

 

All I get from your post is that you're doing a lot for him but you're getting little in return. He's not ready for a commitment right now, though he sure doesn't mind the benefits (sex)...so you acknowledge and easily accept that. What about YOUR wants and needs? In your heart of hearts, are you truly content to be someone's pillow pal?

 

Another thing to consider.......if you're hoping that in time, he'll wake up to realize he's ready for a committed relationship with you, think about this: he may very well have a lesser degree of respect for you (yes, this is going to sound like a double standard), because you're willing to sleep with him outside of a relationship. He may only ever see you as a best friend + sex partner......never anything more. This is something for you to ponder.

 

It doesn't sound so much like this guy has a sincere problem with commitment, it sounds more like he's having a helluva time getting some 'sugar' all over the place, with no strings attached. Can you really, honestly respect a guy like this?? I'm not you, but I know I sure couldn't.

 

Plus too.....with him having the best of *all* worlds, why would he *ever* want to settle down with one person (you)....he's got it made in the shade right now. He's free to come (pardon the pun) as he pleases, and even better...he has this best friend (you) who he can share his sexual escapades with, and you're okay with that.

 

If I were you, of course depending on what you truly want here, I'd put an end to the sex and fast....for eventually you're going to end up feeling used, and resenting him......and then you've lost the friendship.

 

Just my $0.02

 

Laurynn

[Deejette]

This "friends with benefits" thing only works if neither party is emotionally attached. Since you are emotionally attached and he obviously isn't, tht puts you in the positon to be hurt. If you drop out of his life, he still has the other girl to sleep with. It shows you how important you are to him.

 

So I wouldn't pin any hopes on this developing into true love. If he had those cherishing types of emotions towards you, he would not have said or done what he did. When a guy talks about being friends, he really means it. It is more of a buddy-buddy thing. If you can take that, fine, but it sounds like you are more involved than that.

 

Therefore, stepping back and letting him come forward to suggest more than just having a good time with you in bed, is the best move on your part.

I don't mean to come across as judgmental, but don't you feel pretty USED?.....he's not ready to make any sort of commitment to you, he tells you about the other women he sleeps with, then comes back and sleeps with you? Come on girl, have some self respect! :-) Can you really feel good about yourself, when you're sleeping with someone who's sleeping with others? As far as I'm concerned, you're either really good friends (no sex) or you're in a relationship (have sex, if you mutually choose to)..... Sounds like this guy has the best of all worlds. Free to date whoever he chooses, sleeps with whoever he chooses, and has a best friend in you. I sure hope you're using protection when you sleep with him.....though in all honesty, condoms are NOT 100% effective against things like Herpes. As well, condoms do break. HIV/AIDS and Hepatitis C aren't on the downslide, not at all. I really hope you're being careful. What do you really want here? All I get from your post is that you're doing a lot for him but you're getting little in return. He's not ready for a commitment right now, though he sure doesn't mind the benefits (sex)...so you acknowledge and easily accept that. What about YOUR wants and needs? In your heart of hearts, are you truly content to be someone's pillow pal?

 

Another thing to consider.......if you're hoping that in time, he'll wake up to realize he's ready for a committed relationship with you, think about this: he may very well have a lesser degree of respect for you (yes, this is going to sound like a double standard), because you're willing to sleep with him outside of a relationship. He may only ever see you as a best friend + sex partner......never anything more. This is something for you to ponder. It doesn't sound so much like this guy has a sincere problem with commitment, it sounds more like he's having a helluva time getting some 'sugar' all over the place, with no strings attached. Can you really, honestly respect a guy like this?? I'm not you, but I know I sure couldn't. Plus too.....with him having the best of *all* worlds, why would he *ever* want to settle down with one person (you)....he's got it made in the shade right now. He's free to come (pardon the pun) as he pleases, and even better...he has this best friend (you) who he can share his sexual escapades with, and you're okay with that. If I were you, of course depending on what you truly want here, I'd put an end to the sex and fast....for eventually you're going to end up feeling used, and resenting him......and then you've lost the friendship. Just my $0.02 Laurynn

[sunshine]

Thank you for the response. I do agree with you. That's why I decide to post this. I started thinking the same thing after he had slep with the same girl again. I actually even had told him that it must be nice to "have your cake and eat it too" . I started thinking about all this after that happened.

 

I guess it all seems fun for awhile but then all the sudden you find that you have those emotional feelings towards that person and what do you do? I guess as you stated let him go or just ask him how he feels, but when you ask how they feel the give you every round about answer there is. Actually about a 2 months ago I told him that I only wanted to friends with no sex and he had agreed. That lasted maybe 2 weeks.

 

See its not that we only meet up for sex. We hang alot we go out dancing or go to the movies, dinner, camping and whatever else. We hang with his friends and mine outside of work. Everyone thinks we are together, but we're not. That's what's so weird. I have never been with anyone like this before. I have always been in a long term relationships. maybe that's why it seems weird and wrong.

 

Anyways I think I'll take some of your advise and stop the sex completly and for good this time. Otherwise your right I'm just asking to get hurt and why should I waste my time. I know that I can find what I want and need. I guess I have reliezed that I'm ready for a commitment and I'm done playing around with guys like this. Thanks Sunhine

This "friends with benefits" thing only works if neither party is emotionally attached. Since you are emotionally attached and he obviously isn't, tht puts you in the positon to be hurt. If you drop out of his life, he still has the other girl to sleep with. It shows you how important you are to him. So I wouldn't pin any hopes on this developing into true love. If he had those cherishing types of emotions towards you, he would not have said or done what he did. When a guy talks about being friends, he really means it. It is more of a buddy-buddy thing. If you can take that, fine, but it sounds like you are more involved than that. Therefore, stepping back and letting him come forward to suggest more than just having a good time with you in bed, is the best move on your part.