Comments please on re-building a better relationship after being two timed!

[Sweets1919]

I will make this quick. I had been dating my boyfriend for about three months and then on Saturday I found out he has been dating another girl since late September (a month and a half). He works out of town for two weeks at a time and during his week off he would see me (spent two full and two half weeks with me) and then twice he saw this other girl (5 days he saw her in total).

 

I was devastated and told him I knew everything. He is away at work (I found out about the other girl while I was up visiting him for the weekend) and I told him it was over b/c I could never be with a cheater.

 

During our time of dating together, the face to face time was limited...when he was in town I was usually at work. So we'd be together in evenings and at night and the occasional weekend day. We didn't talk much on the phone either b/c he works 12 hr nights/days and then i work in the daytime so connecting for long calls was rare because of tiredness (although since this has happened, he has had more time than ever...staying up talking to me until 2 when he gets up at 5:30am etc)

 

He has been very remorseful since I found out. He is 25 and was in a 9 yr relationship that ended in June. We have talked more in the last 5 days than I think we did in our whole relationship (about 3 hrs of just talking each day since Saturday). He explained that he was not ready to get in a big relationship again...but liked me and didn't want to lose me... but he also didn't want to feel trapped like he had for the last few years so wanted to meet other people. He says he knows it was wrong and he should have broken up with me or at least said he wants to see other people. We have talked a lot and I know he is sorry. And I said that if he was not ready to be in a Long Term relationship now, it would have surfaced in the future in one way or another.

 

I told him that ONE DAY I may give him a chance to earn my trust back (even as a friend). Through our talks we have come to realize that we did not have a solid friendship foundation....with the long distance and lack of contact, how could we? He wants to come see me for one day next week and said he would be satisifed if he even got a hug. Neither of us have been sleeping/eating etc, and I do think he cares a lot about me and is sorry he hurt me.

 

I am wondering if we took things slow (not even dating), and really got to know each other (seeing we never did that part), and communicated about what we want....if we would be more on the same wavelength and direction. I have no idea if I could ever be in a relationship with him again, but he said if he does decide in time that he wants to be with me in a serious relationship then we could learn from this experience b/c we will have gotten to know each other better, listen, we know what it's like to lose the other, appreciate what we have, earn the relationship and the trust, communicate, be honest etc. I told him that I would only want to be with someone (not just meaning him) who knows they want to be with me...I don't need someone who is unsure and too chicken to tell me. He agrees and said that he knows he will never do this again (I told him his words are meaningless and will have to prove things by actions) and that he would never tell me he wanted to be with me until he is ready to give full devotion.

 

Any thoughts?????

[bluechocolate]

I have no idea if I could ever be in a relationship with him again,

 

I'm not exactly sure that you were in a relationship to begin with. In my opinion 3 months does not a relationship make, especially when, as you say, your time together was limited.

 

says he knows it was wrong and he should have broken up with me or at least said he wants to see other people.

 

For the first couple of months I always think that you are free to date other people, unless you have that conversation - which for me, coincidentally, always took place at month 2 or 3. When you first start dating someone I don't think it's wise to make any assumptions about "fidelity" - neither of you are owed that yet. If it's important that you know right off the bat then you have to tell the guy.

 

I told him that ONE DAY I may give him a chance to earn my trust back (even as a friend).

 

If you guys weren't communicating & weren't able to see each other very often & you didn't make it clear from the outset that exclusive dating is the only way you do things - then I think you should cut the guy some slack.

 

I am wondering if we took things slow (not even dating), and really got to know each other (seeing we never did that part), and communicated about what we want....if we would be more on the same wavelength and direction.

 

That sounds like a wise plan.

[Sweets1919]

Thanks for the insightful reply. He and I have talked a lot since this happened and we both realize that there was a big difference between what we had and the type of relationship we both envision as partnership that will last forever. He says he wants to try again with me and really commit. I told him that for now we can start by becoming real friends....and then see what happens after we build a foundation based on honesty, respect, trust, communication, fun, friendship and love (eventually). I think this incident could be a catalyst to creating a solid relationship that has been built and not just f"ended up in" or "fallen into", and that we will actually have a better chance with a better relationship.