sometimes i feel like he's my father not my lover, help!

[betty]

i've been with this guy for about three years now and we get along good except this one thing that constantly irritates me when it comes up, which is right now!

 

he is in his mind so perfect at paying bills, not spending money necessarily, bargain shopping, thinking he is right all the time on just about everything.

 

these things don't come up "that" often thank goodness but when they do they are such a pain. example last night i tried telling him the cat had been stuck behind the dresser, his answer was "no she's not"

 

how arrogant can you get, i felt so pist, i told him 'yes she is" and again he said "no, she is not" when he didn't even see her stuck, how irritating.

 

well my problem is i don't make alot of money so i don't help a great deal with bills and food but i help with what i can so when i do buy something with my credit card he get so mad at me.

 

he tells me i'm going to end up filing bank ruptcy again within three years, i tell him, no, i wont. on and on it goes.

 

i feel like he is my father dictating my finances to me, true he spends alot more then i do, but i would if i had it, but am i wrong for wanting to buy myself something here and there as long as it does not interfere with our finances together, rent, food, bills, etc?

 

i am not nearly as "perfect" and faultless as he is, so i do screw up and heaven forbid, it's no wonder i feel like i have to keep secrets from him or i'm going to start anyway.

 

i'm so tired of his arrogance too, i want to knock him down a peg or two just to bring him down to earth, but i don't know how, he is too arrogant to even notice.

 

most of the time tho these things arent a problem, just when they come up they are a problem, then i get frustrated and he gets mad at me and i feel so incompetent and stupid, what can i say to him? if we plan on being together for a very long time, like kids, marriage the whole nine yards, then i have to find a way to handle this other then hiding what i do....any ideas?

[darla I GUESS NO ONE WANTS TO HELP ME "SNIF&q]

i've been with this guy for about three years now and we get along good except this one thing that constantly irritates me when it comes up, which is right now! he is in his mind so perfect at paying bills, not spending money necessarily, bargain shopping, thinking he is right all the time on just about everything. these things don't come up "that" often thank goodness but when they do they are such a pain. example last night i tried telling him the cat had been stuck behind the dresser, his answer was "no she's not" how arrogant can you get, i felt so pist, i told him 'yes she is" and again he said "no, she is not" when he didn't even see her stuck, how irritating. well my problem is i don't make alot of money so i don't help a great deal with bills and food but i help with what i can so when i do buy something with my credit card he get so mad at me. he tells me i'm going to end up filing bank ruptcy again within three years, i tell him, no, i wont. on and on it goes. i feel like he is my father dictating my finances to me, true he spends alot more then i do, but i would if i had it, but am i wrong for wanting to buy myself something here and there as long as it does not interfere with our finances together, rent, food, bills, etc? i am not nearly as "perfect" and faultless as he is, so i do screw up and heaven forbid, it's no wonder i feel like i have to keep secrets from him or i'm going to start anyway.

 

i'm so tired of his arrogance too, i want to knock him down a peg or two just to bring him down to earth, but i don't know how, he is too arrogant to even notice. most of the time tho these things arent a problem, just when they come up they are a problem, then i get frustrated and he gets mad at me and i feel so incompetent and stupid, what can i say to him? if we plan on being together for a very long time, like kids, marriage the whole nine yards, then i have to find a way to handle this other then hiding what i do....any ideas?

[Laurynn]

Hi there...

 

Well, there's a difference between a partner being genuinely concerned for you (your finances, money management) and your well being.......and being a total d*ck. Based on what you've written, your man is in the latter category. Belittling someone is highly ineffective.

 

You say this doesn't happen all the time, this arrogant, condescending attitude/behavior of his.......but even if it was once a year, that's too much. When you're in a relationship with someone, you should both be treated as equals. I get the distinct impression that he feels he's better than you. Can you really live like this? Would you want to marry and have children with someone like this?

 

When you really and truly love someone, you don't go out of your way to rub their past in their face (the fact that you had to declare bankruptcy in the past)....you don't focus on their weaknesses and use it to discredit or control them. Doing so, is emotional and mental abuse. It's really no different than physical abuse, except that the scars it leaves are in the inside....on someone's sense of self worth, self esteem, confidence, etc.

 

It's been my experience (including a past abusive marriage to a guy who behaved much like the boyfriend you're describing) that men (or women) who are arrogant.....that's simply part of their personality and not something that's likely going to change.

 

You're going to have to decide whether his treatment of you, regardless of how sporadic it is, is acceptable....whether you can live like this.

 

Does he ever put you down/make fun of you because you make less money than him? If so, I highly suggest you get out of this relationship, because that kind of crap is the furthest thing from a healthy relationship, or a loving/supportive partner.

 

Sometimes it helps to look at our own personal situations as an outsider.......to ask yourself, "how would I respond to someone who was in this position?"...generally the advice you give to someone else, is the best advice for you yourself to follow.

 

Take care,

 

Laurynn :-)

[Deejette]

Do you really love this guy anyway. Do you see yourself spending many years of happiness with him and the relationship? If not, then you have to ask yourself, "Why am I in a relationship with a guy who talks down to me and doesn't trust that I can figure things out on my own?"

 

If it is because of the money situation, you should get out. If he is really good underneath his personality problem of always having to be right, then it might be worth a try to sit down and tell him how you feel and what changes you need to have take place if you are to remain in the relationship.

Hi there... Well, there's a difference between a partner being genuinely concerned for you (your finances, money management) and your well being.......and being a total d*ck. Based on what you've written, your man is in the latter category. Belittling someone is highly ineffective. You say this doesn't happen all the time, this arrogant, condescending attitude/behavior of his.......but even if it was once a year, that's too much. When you're in a relationship with someone, you should both be treated as equals. I get the distinct impression that he feels he's better than you. Can you really live like this? Would you want to marry and have children with someone like this? When you really and truly love someone, you don't go out of your way to rub their past in their face (the fact that you had to declare bankruptcy in the past)....you don't focus on their weaknesses and use it to discredit or control them. Doing so, is emotional and mental abuse. It's really no different than physical abuse, except that the scars it leaves are in the inside....on someone's sense of self worth, self esteem, confidence, etc. It's been my experience (including a past abusive marriage to a guy who behaved much like the boyfriend you're describing) that men (or women) who are arrogant.....that's simply part of their personality and not something that's likely going to change. You're going to have to decide whether his treatment of you, regardless of how sporadic it is, is acceptable....whether you can live like this. Does he ever put you down/make fun of you because you make less money than him? If so, I highly suggest you get out of this relationship, because that kind of crap is the furthest thing from a healthy relationship, or a loving/supportive partner. Sometimes it helps to look at our own personal situations as an outsider.......to ask yourself, "how would I respond to someone who was in this position?"...generally the advice you give to someone else, is the best advice for you yourself to follow. Take care, Laurynn :-)